"Oh, fuck that," I say with an eye roll as I watch yet another girl walk into class with a lovesick smile on her face and an early Valentine's Day gift in her hands.
"Angry that others are happy again?" Margot asks from behind me.
"It's the 13th. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. On this fine specimen of a day, we should be commemorating the date that we collectively named unlucky as a Western culture, Friday the 13th,"
"I don't think commemorate's the right word. Maybe ignore and hope nothing bad happens...."
"You see, that's strange because I feel the same way about Valentine's Day,"
"And that has nothing to do with you being single?"
"Hell nah. Seventeen years and still going strong. They can't break me with their stuffed bears and cheap chocolate,"
"Who's they?" Margot asks me. I pause for a second, not having realized what even came out of my mouth.
"All my suitors?" I respond, though it's more in the form of a question.
"Oh yeah. You mean the imaginary ones lining up out the door," Margot says as she nods her head as if understanding me.
"Of course I do. But they're all getting jealous right now because I'm talking to you. They think you're gonna steal me away," I reveal to her.
"Oh. So I have a chance?" Margot asks me with a wink.
"No. I believe I said that the suitors think you have one," I remind her. Margot just shakes her head at me as I turn back around in my seat, my cheeks flaring up due to the way the conversation ended. What the fuck.
It's been nearly a week since the night of the Coming Home dance. Consequently, it's then also been nearly a week since Margot and I....
The image of Margot pinned underneath me flashes through my mind and my stomach does a flip. The picture is still crystal clear, as if my brain took a snapshot of the moment so that it could be kept forever. Her curls were splayed out on the floor like a crown encircling her head. Her eyes were wide from the shock of being tackled, but eventually softened as they locked with mine. Her lips were slightly parted as she let out heavy breaths and despite that, she was extremely still beneath me, frozen in place. But we both were. The hesitancy was deafening. And that's the moment that's stuck in my mind.
And yet I can't help but wonder what would've happened if I leaned in a little further, if my lips touched hers. Butterflies erupt in my stomach at the thought and for some reason I push myself to think further. What if she had responded to my kiss and began to move her lips against mine? My hands would move so that my fingers would get tangled in her hair. She would loosely wrap her hands around my waist, but she would use her grip to hold me in place if I tried to pull away. When we'd pull away for air, she'd flip us over so that she would hover over top of me and send me a smirk that would make me feel lucky that I was lying down as my knees would immediately buckle if I had been standing. Margot would then go back and place another kiss on my lips, but it would only be a peck as she would move over to my jaw and then my neck and-
As I turn around in my seat to glance at Margot, she sends me a small smile that I don't even hesitate to return and the way my cheeks heat up as I turn around is something that's completely out of my control.
Shit.
————
"Code pink. Code fucking pink,"
"What?" Naomi asks me as she looks up from untying her cheer shoes as she sits on the locker room bench.
"Did I say the wrong color?" I ask her, tilting my head as I try to recall what each of the colors actually mean for the codes that Naomi and I came up with freshman year.
"Pink was code for a problem having to do with a break up," Naomi remembers perfectly.
"Shit. That's not what I thought it was,"
"What did you think it was?" Naomi pushes me.
"I...." I trail off as I look around the empty locker room, the rest of the team already having left for the evening, and Tori waiting outside for the two of us because she wanted to get a snack from the school vending machine.
"Is it about Ivy?" Naomi asks me, lowering her voice slightly. I let out a pained laugh as I shake my head.
"I wish," I confess to her which only makes her more confused.
"What...."
"Would it be possible for me to be over her already?" I ask Naomi quietly, not completely sure if I'm ready to admit what might just be the truth.
"Over.... Ivy?"
"Yeah," I say, only hesitating slightly.
Naomi lets out a sigh, but doesn't say anything further, likely waiting for me to explain instead.
"What if.... what if I like someone else? Is that even.... is that even possible?" I ask her.
"Margot?" Naomi asks in return, causing for me to stay silent as I look down at my feet in response.
"So you finally realized?" Naomi asks me.
"Realized what?"
"Don't play that game with me,"
I let out a sigh as I shake my head.
"You like her. As more than a friend," Naomi states. I don't respond as I begin to pace back and forth.
"You won't admit it," Naomi says softly, almost as if she's talking to herself rather than to me.
"I should still be getting over Ivy," I say quietly as I finally take a seat on the bench next to Naomi.
"Why?" Naomi presses me. I let out a sigh as I shake my head.
"She's my fucking best friend, Nao. She's pretty, smart, loyal, caring.... shit,"
As each word I use to describe Ivy escapes my lips, two more appear in my mind to describe the things I love about Margot.
Naomi stays silent for a few minutes as I rub my eyes with the heels of the hands.
"It is possible, Aspen," Naomi says to me quietly.
"What?" I ask her, pulling my hands away from my face and looking up at her.
"To like someone else now. And it's ok,"
Naomi's words trigger a feeling of a weight being lifted off my chest, yet it's only temporary relief before other thoughts and "what if's" begin flooding into my mind and just double the weight that was there before.
"What if I'm just using her as a rebound?" I ask Naomi, my voice almost lowered to a whisper.
"What do you mean?" Naomi asks me.
"I don't want to do that to Margot. I can't just want to be with her because Ivy doesn't want to be with me. That.... that wouldn't be fair to her,"
"I thought you just said you're over Ivy,"
"I.... I don't know. I think I am, but how can I be sure?" I ask Naomi.
"Picture yourself with her," Naomi tells me.
"Dude, I've done this a thousand times,"
"So it shouldn't be hard to do it again,"
With a sigh, I allow the same image to be conjured in my mind, of Ivy and I as more than friends. Except this time, I don't get any butterflies in my stomach. I choose to think about what the Coming Home dance would've been like together. A slow song would've come on so she would pull me close. I would've swayed back and forth in her arms and felt comfortable because it's just Ivy. Then towards the end of the song, she would've lifted her head off my shoulder, causing for us to lock eyes. Then, she would lean in and I would.... I would've leaned away. I would lean away.
I furrow my eyebrows at my thoughts as I try to refigure the situation and just get the same answer in response. The butterflies in my stomach are gone and replacing them is just the feeling of comfort and trust I've always had for the girl who's always been there for me.
What results in butterflies in my stomach now is the thought of a memory from a couple months ago, instead, occurring again. I can still hear Margot asking me if I want to dance and I can still perfectly picture what she looked like on that night. A smile subconsciously slips onto my face, but I quickly put a frown back on instead as soon as I notice.
As I look up at Naomi, she's looking at me rather expectantly, waiting for my response.
"I.... that can't be the only proof," I tell her.
"Aspen, I can't get inside your brain," Naomi tries to reason with me.
"I know that. I know...."
"So why do you even think you need more proof?"
"Because Ivy is my best friend who I've known for years. She's probably the person that I trust the most in the world and yet I meet this other girl a few months ago and now all of a sudden she's making my stomach do flips and for some reason I'm telling her stuff that it took me years to even tell Ivy. Fuck, she keeps showing up for me and making me smile and making me laugh. She fucking hates horror movies but I still find it to be the most adorable thing. She says what's on her mind and isn't afraid to voice her opinion. And I don't even know everything about her yet, but I think I want to. Because I see how she interacts with her little cousin and how caring she is despite telling me otherwise. And I know she wants to make a career as an artist, which she could totally do.... I want to be there for her to see that happen. And I want her to keep trying to show me new music even though my loyalties will always lie with One Direction. Shit, I'd be willing to risk her finding out my greatest fear and using it against me as revenge if things go poorly just to try to make it work with her. And.... fuck,"
I'm over Ivy and I like Margot.
I'm over Ivy and I really fucking like Margot.
"I...." I completely trail off as thoughts swim around my brain as if they're part of a hurricane, causing chaos and destruction wherever they land.
"You're over Ivy and you like Margot," Naomi tells me.
"Fuck,"
Memories come flooding in of my times with Margot and how she would make me laugh and how I could just be myself around her, something not everyone surely gets to see.
I try to imagine a relationship together and a smile almost instantly slips onto my face. We would argue over where to go on dates like an old married couple, but one of us would give in eventually just to see the smile on the other's face. Margot would come to all my cheer competitions and I would find her in the stands just so I could send her an obnoxious wink that would definitely cause her to roll her eyes in response. We would have movie marathons at my house and I could help watch Vivian at hers. We would hold hands under the table while we study and I would try to do everything in my power to lessen the amount of time we were supposed to spend studying. I could come over her house while she's working on a painting and would try to stay quiet for her, but it wouldn't necessarily work. She would then pull me into a kiss to shut me up when I start rambling about who knows what. And as soon as our lips touch, I would completely forget about whatever I was talking about because I wouldn't want to focus on anything else but her. I couldn't.
"You should tell her," Naomi says, interrupting me from my thoughts.
"I don't know...."
Even if I only hold feelings of friendship towards Ivy, the wounds are still rather raw from her so suddenly leaving me after I told her how I had felt. I don't think I could bear Margot doing the same.
"Margot won't leave you, even if she doesn't feel the same," Naomi says, as if reading my thoughts.
"How do you know that?" I ask her.
"Because Margot and Ivy are two completely different people and you can't base the actions of one off another,"
"I don't know...."
"Aspen. This is your senior year. I'm not going to let you bottle up your feelings for who knows how long again to the point where you get so used to liking someone that you don't even know when you stopped. So either something good will come from this, or nothing will and things can stay the same. But I think there's a pretty good chance that something good could happen and you should take it!"
I think back to all the good times I've had with Margot and how I wouldn't want to risk anything. But then I think back to last week, when our lips were mere inches away. For some reason, that's enough to inspire a surge of hope within me. Is there actually a chance that she could like me back?
"Ok," I agree.
"Aspen, seriously. You never know until- Wait, you agree?"
I nod in confirmation which brings a smile to Naomi's face.
"Then text her!" Naomi says.
"What?"
"Text her and ask her to hang out tonight!"
"She probably has plans,"
"Well, it wouldn't hurt to try," Naomi insists.
With a sigh, I walk over to my cheer back and pull my phone out of the front pocket before quickly unlocking it and typing out my message to Margot.
Me: Hey. Wanna hang out tonight?? Movie and sleepover at my house??
As soon as I send the message, I give Naomi a look filled with desperation to which she just shrugs in response. Bitch. However, once I feel my phone vibrate in my hand, all thoughts cursing Naomi for encouraging me to do this leave my mind as I become completely focused on Margot's response.
Margot: Sleepover? Trying to get to me first thing on V day?
Me: Why else??
Margot: Ok count me in.
I smile down at my phone at Margot's response.
"So she-" Naomi gets cut short as the sound of the locker door being slammed open resounds throughout the room.
"Are you guys fucking or something because no way in hell does it take that long to get your cheer shoes off," Tori's voice echoes as she approaches us with an empty Cheezits bag in hand.
Naomi's eyes widen in shock, leaving me to come up with a response.
"No. Sorry, dude. I accidentally spilled my water everywhere so we had to clean it up," I cover for the two of us, not wanting to say we were just talking and have Tori ask what about.
"Oh good, because otherwise I would've been jealous," Tori says as she sends a wink in Naomi's direction before turning on her heel and walking out of the locker room.
"Is there something going on between the two of you that I don't know about?" I ask Naomi once I hear the locker room door close.
"What do you mean?" Naomi asks me in response before gathering her school bag and cheer bag and leaving the locker room.
With a shrug, I do the same, and as I catch up with Naomi and Tori, I can't help but completely block out their conversation as I fully realize what might just happen tonight. However, one thing's for sure: this is either going to go really good or really bad.