‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
I stayed awake all through the night, waiting in silence. Waiting for a flap of wings in the distance, waiting for the shadows to shift, waiting for something. Anything. I felt sick to my stomach as I curled up in a ball on the bed. Sable's words kept echoing around in my head, over and over again.
I killed my father. I killed my father after he killed my mother. Sable was an orphan, his parents had died. But...but he killed his father. How? How could he do such a thing? I thought of my own father, with his soft smile and kind eyes. The thought of bringing a blade to him...it made my stomach turn enough that I had to leap to the bathroom to hurl my guts up. Or that could've been the alcohol.
I stayed by the toilet for most of the early morning hours, every movement I made brought along another wave of nausea, and every bright light made agony slice through my head. I kept the door cracked open, in hopes that I'd hear Sable moving around in the room, but over my vomiting and the loud thoughts booming along the inner walls of my head...I heard nothing.
"You're such an idiot," I muttered, resting my forehead against my arms. My skin felt warmer than usual. I brought my palms up to my cheeks, cooling them thoroughly, but it didn't stop the sick feeling from taking root in my gut. I had forced those words out of him, I knew I had. Nazira told me he'd tell me about his skeletons when the time was right. If it was ever right. Who in the hells was I to force those words out of him? I didn't know him all that well, certainly not well enough to expect to know all his dirty secrets? I had just...I wanted to understand him. Sable felt like a labyrinth, every turn I made, every tunnel I went down had me thinking I was making progress only to reveal I had gotten to a deadend.
But...this? Him revealing he killed his father only worsened things. He didn't want to see me, that much was evident from him not returning to his room. What an asshole I was, kicking him out of his own gods-damned room.
"I'm such a fucking idiot," I groaned, resisting the urge to smash my head into the toilet seat.
"Rough morning?" a voice said. My heart leaped for only a moment, until plummeting downwards as I realized the voice was not Sable's. I looked up to see Caspian leaning against the door. I hadn't really ever said much to Caspian during my stay at Vellichor House, he was always quiet, and I wasn't much of a speaker either. He seemed kind enough though. Him and Nazira were always whispering to each other. She always made him smile, and whatever he whispered to her always made her gasp and hit his chest. They were cute. I wonder if they'd ever done anything, took that extra step.
"And night, and year, and life," I said, drawing my knees up to my chest. I was still wearing Nazira's white dress from last night, though now it was wrinkled and looked worse for wear. My hair was thrown up into a knot at the top of my head, something I had just barely managed to do before tossing my stomach contents up into the toilet bowl.
"I can relate," he crouched down beside me, handing me an empty glass and a white vial.
"Um...I appreciate the effort, but I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be water or something-" My words were cut off as water flowed out of his palm and into my cup. I watched in awe as crystal clear liquid slowly filled to the brim.
"I thought it'd be a little dense to walk up all those stairs holding a glass of water," he said.
"Right," I muttered, laughing.
"Drop a few of those onto your tongue and take it down with water, it should help with the nausea and pain," he nodded at the vial and I did as he asked. It tasted foul and sour in my mouth and I quickly washed it down with water.
"Thank you," I said. "Is it weird that I expected that water to taste...weird?"
"No," he said, shrugging. "Ayaz refuses to drink anything from me because it's exactly how I said...from me. He thinks it's akin to sweat or something." He chuckled and I snickered, leaning my head against the wall. My smile dropped as soon as it formed as I thought about what Sable was doing. He probably wasn't laughing and joking.
"You alright?" Caspian asked.
I pressed a hand to my forehead, exhaling loudly. "I fucked up,"
Caspian laughed. "We've all fucked up, it couldn't have been that bad."
"I forced Sable to tell me that he killed his father," I said in one big rush. I peeled my hand away from my face to see Caspian staring at me. He looked away, letting out a hefty sigh. He ran hand through his crop of blue-black hair. Today he was wearing a blue sweater and pants, though both looked like they were about to pop at the seams everytime he moved.
"Yeah that is fucked up," he muttered.
"Is Sable back?" I asked, straightening up in eagerness for his answer.
"No," Caspian said, he scratched at the back of his neck. "I haven't seen him all morning." I let out a groan, letting my head thunk back against the wall.
"I think he hates me," I said.
"Didn't he already hate you?"
"Yes but...but now I think he loathes me." I picked my head off the wall. "I just wanted to understand him, really. He confuses me so, so much. I thought knowing him better might help but now..."
"Now you're even more confused?" Caspian asked.
"Yeah," I said, letting out a breath. He sat down curling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around him. He smelt like saltwater and a seabreeze, I could smell him from where I was.
"Sable's always been confusing," Caspian said. "Always. And I've known him for two hundred years." I gaped at him and he chuckled. "I'm not nearly as old him, but yes...two hundred."
"Oh gods," I muttered. "What am I to you then, a child?
"No, no," Caspian said. "Well, technically yes, but I don't see you any differently." I let out a huff and he laughed, scooting closer to me. "My point is that I've known Sable for two hundred years and right now he feels like a stranger to even me. He's secluded, he likes to close himself off a lot. It's like a defense mechanism. And right now...after what he did, all his defences are up."
"And I'm probably not helping either," I mumbled. Caspian frowned, but nodded.
"It's not your fault, Eira. His mother died by his fathers hand, and when he found out...he...he couldn't stop himself. None of us were mad at him, of course, we knew what he did wasn't wrong. But Sable was...horrified of himself. I think him building such strong walls and separating himself from us, his family, is like a form of punishment."
"He's punishing himself," I breathed, wrapping my arms around myself.
"Last night, you just did the thing we've all been thinking about. He's been like this for months. As time goes on, all of us want to slap him in the face and tell him to snap out of it. But it's not our place. He's our friend, my best friend, but he's in a place that I can't even reach him." A pain I had never seen before skittered over Caspian's face before it was gone in a blink.
"It was bound to happen at one point. What you did was a long time overdue," Caspian said gently.
"Then why do I feel like shit?" I asked.
"I think you care about him," Caspian said. I jerked my head up, forcing a rough laugh out of my throat.
"The moment Sable Deidre and I start caring for each other will be the day the sky falls down," I said.
"I've seen your tattoos," Caspian said, his voice soft. "That's what happens when he heals. He's done the same thing to me." He suddenly pulled up his shirt to reveal a patch of swirling black on his abdomen. The black markings weren't his only tattoo though. On his right side was what looked like a sea serpent coiling up his side and around his arm. It was inked in gold and glimmered even in the low light.
Caspian lowered his shirt. "When Sable healed you, he gave you a piece of himself, a bit of his magic. Hence, the marking. He doesn't do that for just anyone, Eira." His words struck me like tiny little glass pieces, embedding into my skin. Stinging and throbbing where they hit.
"But...but he hates me," I whispered.
Caspian chuckled. "He sure does act that way doesn't he?" He slowly rose to his feet, his entire mass hovering above me. Even when he was being kind he was intimidating. "But I know that you care about him too."
I straightened into a standing position, fighting down the nausea bubbling up inside of me at his words. "What do you mean?" I asked, my voice nothing but a whisper.
"You just said you wanted to understand him, didn't you?" he asked. "I don't think you'd take the time to try if you hated him as much as you say you do." I sucked in a sharp breath, crossing my arms tight around myself as if that would stop myself from getting sucked into the gravity of his words.
"Who knew you'd have such good advice," I mumbled.
He laughed. "Well I'm ancient for one," he said. "And second, I think it's our powers."
"Our powers?" I asked.
"Your ice, I'm water. We're practically one and the same," he said, shrugging.
"Oh right...how could I forget?" I said, smiling up at him. He walked out of the bathroom and I followed him. I couldn't help but glance at the place Sable and I had fought, now awash with the light of day. I didn't care about him...him? I couldn't. He was literally the worst person to care about. He'd take my heart right from my chest and smash it in front of me without even blinking. Caspian was wise, I'd give him that, but he wasn't that wise. I hated Sable and I was ninety-nine percent sure that Sable felt the same about me.
"Wow, you look like death," Caspian said as Ayaz came shuffling into the breakfast parlor. He did look a bit like death. His normally spiked brown hair was pressed at his head and going in strange directions. The gray sweater he was wearing looked inside out and he had large circles under his eyes, his complexion pale.
"Don't even start," Ayaz said, plopping into a seat. He reached over for a roll, wincing the entire while. He put it onto his plate with what looked like a great effort, and then reached over for a pallet of butter with even more effort.
"Gods above," Caspian muttered. He got out of his chair and grabbed different plates of food and jam and placed them all in front of Ayaz.
"Gee, thanks man," Ayaz said.
"I'm not saying you don't deserve to be punished for the hell you unleashed on yourself last night, but I'll be damned if I have to listen to you groaning as you work your way through every bite." He sat back down in his seat, stirring his tea with flourish. I grinned into my mug of coffee.
"Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by the amount of affection you show me, Cas," Ayaz said, squinting at him. "My gay ass is overcome with it. I could make out with you right on this table."
"I can't help myself, Az." Caspian said, taking a sip from his teacup, the little thing dwarfed by his massive hands. "It just pours out of me."
"Oh I'm sure it does," Ayaz said, popping a grape into his mouth.
"Good morning." We all turned to see Nazira breezing through the doors. She had a bright smile on her face, her eyes bright. She clearly wasn't hungover, unlike the rest of us. Nazira was wearing an orange dress that billowed around her as she moved, and her hair was hanging in curls around her face. Caspian suddenly choked on his tea and I turned to look at him. I raised a hand to his back, clapping it.
"You okay there, bud?" Ayaz asked, looking over the brim of his cup. His eyes looked...devilish. I shot him a confused look but that only made him grin wider.
"Hey," Nazira said, completely ignoring Caspian as she sat down next to me. I smiled at her, moving the plates that were clustered around Ayaz over to her. She immediately began spooning fruit onto her plate.
"Hello there Ms. Azar," Ayaz said, grinning at her. "How was your night?" He suddenly seemed rather chipper for being so grouchy before.
The look that Nazira gave Ayaz was nothing short of fire. Ayaz dropped his grin, straightening in his seat. "Stop it," she said, her glare was sharp enough to cut steel.
"I'll stop," Ayaz said, shuffling in his seat. He took a deep drink of his coffee, practically burying his face in the mug.
Nazira suddenly turned to me, her smile bright. "How are you today, Eira?" She propped her chin on her hand, practically beaming at me. I swallowed down the bit of egg I hadn't finished chewing.
"Where do I even start?" I mumbled.
"Oh, you have a lot to talk about?" she asked, perking up in her seat. "Great! Let's go to the balcony, we can talk there." She grabbed my hand and started to pull me up. I was just about to tell her I wasn't done eating yet when the doors suddenly slammed open. I jerked, ice splintering across the table.
"Shit," I muttered. But my ice outburst was overshadowed by actual shadows. None other than the shadow-wielder himself was storming into the breakfast parlor. Sable was wearing all black, but not his usual button down shirt but...armor. He was wearing that same night-black fitted armor that he wore the night I tried to escape. His shadows were inkier than I had ever seen them before, and his face...his face was stone cold. But his eyes...his eyes were sharp, angry. And were anywhere but on my face.
"Sable, what is it?" Nazira said, on her feet, as was everyone else. I scrambled to stand as well.
"I'm leaving," he said, standing at the head of the table. He pressed his knuckles against the wood, and I glanced down to see they were peppered in cuts and bruises, scabbed over. Worry tugged at my gut and I felt ice stir inside of me.
"Leaving?" Caspian asked. "Where?"
"Mirk," he said simply. I furrowed my brows. I had no idea where that was, but apparently everyone else did because they all paled. I knew Mirk was the country that Hiraeth was waring with, but I didn't know it caused such tension in the group.
Flames erupted on Nazira's shoulders and I flinched away from her. I hated fire. "You can't," Nazira said. Her hands left black marks on the table.
"I don't have a choice, Naz," he said gently. I was surprised by his change in tone. His eyes were soft as they looked at her. His hands were worrying at the table though, his shadows curling around his fingers.
"He's never made us go there before," Nazira said. I didn't know why she was so...stressed.
"It's not us. It's just me," he said. "I'm going to spy on a gathering of officials. If I hear them plotting against us I'll..."
"Yeah we know, Sable," Caspian said, his jaw clenching and unclenching.
"It's too dangerous," Nazira said slowly.
"Why is it dangerous?" I asked quietly. Nazira sucked in a breath and I saw Ayaz and Caspian share a glance.
"Eira, don't-" Sable started, but I cut him off before he could finish.
"I'm a part of the cadre now too," I said. "Tell me why it's so dangerous." I was surprised with how fierce my voice sounded. I sounded...strong. I hadn't sounded like that...ever. Especially since Tellie's...I cut that thought off before it could fester.
"It's a warzone for fae," Ayaz said, turning to me. "Fae are seen as monsters in Mirk. It's overrun with magical beings that hate us. They'll kill any fae on sight...brutally. Heads on spikes, torture sessions for months, burning alive...that sort of killing." My stomach dropped, as did the temperature in the room. I watched as snow flurries began to fall down in the middle of the breakfast parlor, collecting on half-eaten meals.
I whirled towards Sable to see his breath clouding out in front of him. Everyone's was, except for mine. "You can't go," I said.
"And you can make those decisions for me?" he asked, his brows furrowing.
"It's reckless,"
"It's my job."
"Fuck your job. It's your life that matters."
Shadows flickered and the lighting in the room dimmed. My snow collected, gathering on the table in white clumps. "You'd probably rejoice if you found my head on a spike."
"Only if I was the one to put it there," I growled.
"Exactly my point," he said, his eyes boring holes into me. He took a step back from the table. "I'll see you all in a day, maybe longer." His voice was rough and he avoided my eyes now.
"Sable-" I started, but then he stepped behind the curtain close to the window, disappearing into the darkness.
"Turn off your damn ice," Nazira said slowly, turning towards me. "Or I'm going to burn it out of you." I stared at her, a wad of fear forming in my throat. Her eyes seemed to be glowing orange.
Ayaz was suddenly at my side the same time Caspian was at hers. "Time to go, Eira," Ayaz said, spinning me away from Nazira. I could feel her heat emanating from behind me and I quickly followed Ayaz's lead, nearly sprinting out of the ballroom.
"Hold your breath," Ayaz said as we burst through the doors. I was about to ask why, but then he was wrapping an arm around me and bringing me down to a crouch. The air was sucked away from the space around me the same time bright orange plumes of flame erupted around us. I wanted to scream but I didn't have the air to do so.
Fire moved around us, and I could feel its heat pulsating around me. Agony ripped through me and I bent down, pressing my forehead to the ground. I was melting. Burning. Dying. And then it stopped.
Ayaz released me and I stumbled to the ground, ice bursting from me as I tried to soothe away the burn. "Eira, we gotta go," Ayaz said. I opened my eyes to see I had turned the entire hallway into a winter wonderland. Snow was everywhere, and icicles were hanging from the ceiling. Snow was collecting in Ayaz's hair and in his eyelashes.
"What in the blazing hells was that?" I asked, my voice scratching against my throat.
"Uh...exactly what you said. Blazing hell," Ayaz said, grabbing my wrist. He hauled me to my feet. We ran down the hall and into a room far away from the breakfast parlor. I realized he had brought me to a library. It was filled with bookshelves rising miles high into the air. It was more books than I had ever seen before in my life. It was my version of heaven. Or would have been had I not been so distracted.
"What was that?" I asked, turning towards Ayaz, who was slumped in a seat, his face in his hands.
"Nazira was born in Mirk," he said, his voice muffled. I felt the air whoosh out of me at once. I stumbled to a seat, forcing myself to sit.
"Oh," I said. It was all I could think to say.
"She...she has a lot of trauma from that place," he removed his hands from his face, looking at me. "She can't fathom the thought of it. Sable is her friend, her family, and it's like...like shredding the skin off her back to see him go there...nevermind going alone."
I pressed my knuckles to my forehead, sucking in a sharp breath. "I had no idea," I whispered.
"She didn't mean to hurt you or blow up at you like that before," he said. "She's not a violent person, but Mirk...Mirk changed her, the stuff she went through there-" He blew out a breath. "That shit doesn't just go away. It changed her."
"I know, believe me. I know," I muttered.
Ayaz looked up at me. "What is your story, Eira?" My mind flashed back to Rame. To two happy sisters and two happy parents. To blood dripping between floorboards. To my sister's screams as she worked through the pain of her leg injury. To the last goodbye we shared. To the news of her death. It all threatened to come out of me then. I wanted to tell Ayaz all my secrets. I just wanted to tell someone.
Instead, I simply smiled a sad, little smile. "You don't want to know."