CHAPTER 34
SARRAH'S P.O.V.
To my beloved daughter Sarrah,
How are you my love? I hope you are doing good? How's is Yonggi? I am sure that he has grown into a very bright and cheerful child. I wish I was there to see him grow. I wish I was there with you, to be able to be a grandfather to him and a father to you. I know that it's too late for regrets now because we can never turn back time. I am sorry for being a failure as a father to you. I wasn't able to protect you and your child. I am sorry if I was also the reason why you left the only man you love and the father of your child. It was never my intention to hurt you, but things, as you have known, because of our status is never easy. I didn't know that I became the very person I hated the most, my mother.
I met your mother when a friend and I watched a musical during our college years and your mom was the main actress. It was love at first sight. I did everything just to gain her attention. It was tough, because a lot of man are courting her at that time, but in the end, with my perseverance she noticed me. You can't imagine how happy I was when she accepted my invitation for a date. It didn't took long before we fell in love with each other.
I thought everything was going okay, I was ready to introduce her to your grandmother but then things happened. That night I was supposed to introduce her was the night I met my wife. It was an arranged marriage. Your grandmother was against your mother because she came from a family with no name in the corporate world.
I felt devastated and so did your mom. Our only thought was to elope. I loved your mother so much that I am willing to risk everything I had just to be with her. Sounds very cliché but it is the reality we have to face and so we flee. We hid in the province for two months. I tried finding a normal job but unfortunately no one will accept me. It was tough finding money enough to feed the both of us and because I can't find a decent job, your mother started helping out. She accepted odd jobs like doing laundry, baby-sitting, picking tea leaves and cleaning houses.
I saw how your mother suffered and it broke my heart. I never wanted her to suffer and so I have no other choice but to leave her. Little did I know that it was the worst decision I have ever made in my entire life.
Months passed, Lee Soomin and I got married and I was back to my boring corporate life. I feel miserable. I still can't stop thinking about her. Then one day I accidentally run into her in a café. She is one of the waitress. It took me a while to process that the woman I love is now standing right in front of me. I never felt so happy since the day I left her. I was about to approach her when suddenly she walked away and hid behind the counter.
I noticed something in her changed. Gone was the smile I see on her face every time she sees me, instead I can see cold hostility. It was too painful to see. It felt like thousand of ice picks were piercing my heart. Then I also noticed the small bulge in her belly. I felt my heart skip a beat. I saw how her hand covered her stomach before she went away from the counter. I know that it is mine. She is pregnant and I am sure I am the father. I wanted to talk to her.
I waited for many hours until the café closed but alas! She was nowhere to be found. From then on, I kept coming back to the café but later on I learned that she already resigned. I felt like the world was falling apart. I can't lose her again. I was so devastated that I spend many hours getting drunk in the bar. I lost not the woman I love but also our unborn child.
When I regained my sanity back, I tried using our connections to look for her but unfortunately no one could find her. She vanished without a trace. Later on, I learned that it was all my mother's doing. She threatened her to leave you in the care of our trusted house helper. She wanted you hidden from the prying eyes of our society. She was afraid that it would cause a scandal and ruin our family's name. She was selfish and I was stupid because I let her control my life. Because of her, I lost the both of you. The only cause of my euphoria.
The moment she died, I did everything I can to find you and your mother, and luckily after a few years I was able to find you first. I was so happy when I met you. I can't forget that day we met at Bang PD-nim's office. I knew right there and then that you are mine. I wanted to hug you then, but I stopped myself because I was afraid that I might scare you. I felt like I found a missing piece of my life and I will do my best to keep you where you are.
I talked to Bang PD-nim and tried to arrange everything so you won't have difficulty while I fix everything I had to just to welcome you in our family. I was ecstatic but like you already know Lee Soomin didn't like the idea. Not at all. I tried talking to her, I thought we had an agreement but then things got worse, she tried fixing you an arranged marriage like what my mom did to me and then history repeats itself. You left without a word.
I felt so lost, I felt like I am total failure. I was so depressed. I filed for divorce. It is about time for me to stop pretending. How can I be with someone who hurts my family? One day, a young man came to my office. His name is Min Yoongi and he told me that he is your husband. At first, I didn't believe him, but after showing me your marriage certificate, I believed him. Everyday he kept coming to my office asking me your whereabouts, but unfortunately I have no answer. Everyday he looks more miserable than he did the day before.
My heart was in pain in losing you but I know that he is in pain so much more than I am. I see myself in him. I knew then, that he loves you as much as I love your mom. I did my best to find you but you left no trace. It took me years just to find where you are and when I did I told him but I begged him to let me see you first. It took me a lot of convincing to make him agree, but little did I know that I already have a limited time. A few months ago I found out that I have Stage 4 Colon Cancer. I tried making appointment to see you but you never agreed. I was heart broken, and so I decided to fly myself to Los Angeles to see you.
I wanted to talk to you, to approach you but I was afraid that you will flee again and so I get contented just to see your face as I think of ways to get close to you again. Then I learned about your son. My grandson! I was so happy to know that I had a grandson and my thoughts went back to Yoongi. He had no idea. On my frequent travel to the U.S. just to see you I luckily bumped into your mother in one of the streets of New York and I was happy to learned that she never got married. She told me she could never loved another man besides me. I thought we could start over again but in a span of a month my health deteriorated it got harder for me to travel. I was happy because she never left my side.
She begged me to let her see you too but I stopped her, because I know that there are too many deep wounds and that you will not listen to her words easily. And when I felt like I my time is coming to an end I had no more choice and so I informed Yoongi. Ah, Yoongi, that man, he loves you so much that he was willing to give up everything just to see you again. He was quite feisty that young man. I salute him for his determination in finding you. He is willing to fight for you not like me to your mother.
Before I told him your whereabouts, I asked him if what he will chose, you or his status as a Celebrity and he answered YOU without any hesitation. With his answer, I felt complacent. I know that he will take care of you and your child. You will be his priority. He will love you more than anybody else will and with that thought I can die in peace.
By the time you are reading this, I know that I am already gone. With this letter I hope, I was able to explain my part. Please forgive me my dear child, I wasn't good enough to be your father. If only I can turn back time, I will do my best to be a good father to you. Please forgive your mother, she had no choice, and please forgive Yoongi. The only fault he did was to love you.
I wish you nothing but happiness, my love. Please let go of the past. Look forward to the bright future you Yoongi and your son will have. I don't want you to live the kind of life I had, full of regrets. Always remember, I may not able to show it to you, but deep in my heart I have always loved you my dear one. I love you my dear daughter. Please be happy.
Lovingly Yours,
Appa
I had a hard time reading the letter my father left because my vision is clouded with tears. My chest feels heavy and it's getting harder to breathe. It hurts. It hurts too much. Why did I just knew this now, now that he is gone? I wish I have talked to him sooner, but instead I ran away like a coward. I look at the picture perch on top of his coffin and I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
"I'm sorry, I am so sorry Appa." I cried as I fell on my knees feeling the pain on my chest. I don't care what people around us think, all I know is this immeasurable I am feeling right now. I have lots of regrets but what can regrets do now? It can't bring him back to life.
I was drowning in tears when I felt someone embraced me. "Cry, just cry Noona, let it all out. I am here. " Yoongi lovingly whispered in my ear, and so I cried more. I cried until there were no more tears left to cry. I cried until I feel numb. I have never felt so thankful for having Yoongi in my life. From now on, I will follow my father's last wish. I will be happy with Yoongi and our son, with my own family. "Appa, I forgive you. Please Rest in Peace." I whispered as I stare at his picture for one last time.