A/N—some angst, mostly fluff and soft Kylo
TW—mention of ableism
There were not many people to whom Kylo Ren owed his life. But you... you were one of them. He had never truly wrapped his head around the fact that you saved his life. More specifically, why you had saved his life. Why you had sacrificed yourself when you were practically nothing to him. No one to him. He didn't even know you.
Kylo could still remember that day like it was yesterday. He had been fighting alongside some Stormtroopers and a band of officers he had been traveling with at the time before the attack. They all meant nothing to him; expendable fools who barely even regarded him unless they had to. Then the first bomb went off.
There was immediate chaos. Screaming, billowing smoke, shots whizzing past their heads. Stormtroopers and officers falling limply to the ground. Kylo hadn't seen the second charge landing at his feet. The last thing he knew, was his feet had left the ground and he was laying flat on his back several feet away. At first there had only been rage towards whoever had thrown him, but then his eyes landed on you.
You with your hair freed wildly from the uncomfortable First Order-issued caps. You with your dark grey uniform torn and tattered. Eyes widened, chest heaving, Blaster clutched in a trembling hand. Kylo didn't even have a chance to react before the charge exploded. He remembered seeing your body flying and hitting the ground. He remembered the faint ringing in his ears as he uncharacteristically dragged himself over to you.
His gloved fingers had found your slow, unsteady pulse. Kylo didn't know why he had bothered carrying you all the way back to the transport. Had it been anyone else, he'd have left you there to die. It hadn't stopped there. Once the transport arrived back on Starkiller Base, he had insisted on carrying your weakening body all the way up to the medbay. Kylo had sent you to one of the best doctors—one that was usually intended for superior officers—and sat at your beside, unable to look away.
He had been there for every second of it. Doctors telling him, "Commander, she doesn't have a family." Nurses insisting, "Commander, return to your quarters. We have everything handled." He didn't listen. Kylo Ren was by your side through every surgery, every test, and every brief flicker of hope when you so much as shifted in bed. The doctors had told him that you would wake soon. Excitement had coursed through him. But then the galaxy seemed to remember that it never liked to do anything kind for Kylo Ren.
"Commander," they had said, "she's never going to be able to see again."
The excitement had been placed by rage. Kylo had risen so quickly, that his chair put a dent in the wall. He had screamed at the nurses, screamed at the doctors, and done all he could for demanding that they try to save your vision. When they told him it was impossible, he had taken out his aggression on everything he could get his hands on. Destroying walls with his saber, breaking windows, crushing furniture.
He had never been so furious in his life.
All of the tears he had spilled were for nothing. All of the surgeries he had sat through for fear that the doctors did something wrong, meant nothing. It was all meaningless to him if you couldn't see his face in the end. He had wanted nothing more than to see your eyes flutter open and fill with gratitude. Fill with love. To look at him like he wasn't just a monster.
But that would never happen.
The months had dragged by and Kylo still couldn't manage to let you go. He had watched you figure out how to maneuver properly now that your vision was gone. He felt the pride of seeing you learning to read by dragging your fingertips over little bumps. Kylo had found himself utterly and hopelessly captivated by you. Whenever he had the chance to walk past you through a corridor, he took it. His eyes would linger on you as long as possible, drinking in your features. Your eyes never found his. And that broke his heart.
Things went downhill quickly when Snoke found out. After the distraction of Starkiller, Kylo had spent days trying to find out if you were alive. The biggest relief he felt was when he saw you walking through the Supremacy. But, everything came with a cost. His broken concentration had not gone unnoticed by Snoke.
"She's making you weak!" The old man had spit. "You cannot afford distractions."
"It won't happen again." Kylo had lied that day.
"You're right. It won't. I'm having her executed this evening."
There had been so much rage flooding Kylo's system that day, that he didn't notice what he had done until it was too late. He had cut Snoke's head clean off his shoulders. The panic quickly turned to relief. A weight had been lifted from him; freedom. Freedom was all he knew now. That evening, there was no execution. There was only a declaration of Kylo Ren taking the throne as Supreme Leader. A part of him felt like he had done it for you. He would move mountains for you and you didn't even know it.
It was then that Kylo realized he was free to go to you. That there should have been nothing holding him back anymore.
And here he was now, storming his way up to the command deck, around which he knew you would be lingering. His arrival certainly was unexpected to say the least. The officers that had been so carelessly lounging around, quickly snap to attention and continue to work in more precise manners. Beneath his mask, Kylo's eyes scan the bridge for you. He takes an involuntary step forward upon seeing you on the top deck. The flickers of joy quickly fade to anger upon seeing another officer speaking with you.
It was one of the stuffy generals who came from another ship and thought they could order everyone around as they so pleased. The old man was obviously new around here, judging by the way he was snapping at you.
"Do you even know who I am?" His face was practically beet red from frustration. "You will speak when being addressed by a superior!"
"Sorry, Sir." Your posture doesn't falter. There were no signs of nerves, fright, or disappointment with yourself. Kylo always knew you were strong, but he had never seen you handle something like this. It was impressive.
The general scoffs, looking you up and down. "Useless, arrogant little brat. Can't even look me in the eye. Who allowed you to be on this deck?"
That was the last straw for Kylo. He storms over towards you, heavy boots thudding against the shiny floor. The sound was enough to send officers scrambling. The general who had been barking at you, straightens up and stands at attention.
"Supreme Leader," the two of you chorus.
You had recognized him? Kylo tilts his head slightly before staring back at the general. Had he not been wearing his mask, the man would have gotten a deadly glare.
"What makes you think you can address this officer in such a way, General?" The word sounded demeaning.
The general sputters a few times. "She-she dares to ignore me! Look at her now, barely even looking at you."
"You're filling in for the lieutenant, are you not?" Kylo deadpans. "You are new to this shop, are you not?"
"Y-Yes, Sir."
"In your ignorance, you have failed to realize that this woman is blind." At those words, the general deflates like a balloon. "Report to your superior, General, I'm having you demoted." He turns to you. "And you, officer, come with me."
Kylo turns on his heel, pausing momentarily so that you could walk beside him. The sheer closeness was making him dizzy. This was the only real interaction he had had with you since the day you saved his life. Kylo had spent so many nights blaming himself. So many nights knowing you had cried yourself to sleep. He had been plagued by guilt for so long.
As the two of you reach the throne room, Kylo stops and turns to face you. He admires your beautiful face, unsure of what to say.
"Are you alright?"
A flicker of surprise crosses your features. "Yes, Supreme Leader. Thank you."
"It's Kylo," he corrects stiffly. "You... you can call me Kylo."
You nod, gently biting your bottom lip. "Is there a reason you pulled me aside?"
Kylo takes an uneven breath. It sounded strange coming from the voice modulator in his mask. "I wanted to... thank you. And to apologize."
"What for?"
"You saved my life months ago." He explains slowly. "It's my fault your vision is gone. If I had just been paying attention...." he closes his eyes. "Since then, I haven't been able to stop thinking about you." Admitting this might have been one of the most difficult things in his life.
"I see. You should know I don't blame you." You shift your weight. "And... I know that you've been following me."
Kylo felt like a fool for asking, "how?"
"Your footsteps are very recognizable." You admit with a small laugh. "I appreciate the gesture but you should know by now that I can take care of myself."
"I do understand. I just... I just wanted you to know. When you saved me, I carried you back to the medbay. I sat by your side for days. I was never angrier than when they told me you would never see my face. That you would never know." Kylo admits as he rolls up his fists.
Your lips part as you gaze up in his direction. "Take off your mask."
"What?"
"I can... touch your face to see your features, in a way." You quickly add, "if you allow me, Sir."
Kylo hesitates. His gloved hands reach up, thumbs slipping beneath the cold metal. The mask releases with a soft hiss. He gently sets it down on the ground, as not to startle you. He doesn't know why, but he removes his gloves next. His hands slowly extend towards yours. The warmth of his skin radiates into yours, causing you to inhale sharply. Kylo pauses for a moment, before continuing. The contact of skin on skin made his heart explode.
"You have rough hands," you announce to no one in particular. "But... strong."
Kylo forces his lips to stop trembling as he extends your hands out towards his face. He nearly shudders as your fingertips and palms begin to dance over his features. No one had ever touched him so gently before. No one had ever gotten close enough to try. You were different. You weren't afraid.
A smile quirks at your lips. "Strong features."
"To your liking, I hope." Kylo gently captures your wrists as your fingertips skim over his full lips.
"Your eyes. What color are they?" You question curiously.
He takes in the color of yours before answering. "Brown." A pause. "With flecks of gold."
Your smile widens. Kylo couldn't help himself. A sensation he hadn't felt in ages begins to burn in his chest. A smile crosses his face. He feels your hands automatically drop to his cheeks, thumbs grazing the deep dimples that so rarely made an appearance.
"Can..." he trails off uncertainly. "Can I kiss you?"
Your hands fall to his broad shoulders. There was a moment of hesitation from you. You knew this man in ways you never thought would be possible. He loved you from afar; watching your progress and your triumphs. The feelings you had for him should have been impossible; you had never truly met, but you couldn't fight them. Breathlessly, you nod.
Kylo gently cups your face and begins to lean down. Your breaths intermingle momentarily, lips gently grazing over one another. Your eyes sink shut, as do his, when your lips meet in the center. Kylo had never experienced a more gratifying kiss.
"I wish..." his lips tremble, "I wish you could be mine."
You looked taken aback. "What's stopping you?"
Kylo brushes your hair from your face. "You don't deserve a monster. What I've done... it can't be fixed."
"I don't see a monster. I don't feel a monster." Your hands brace against his chest, feeling his heart flutter beneath your palm. "I just feel you."
Kylo bites his lip. Perhaps the galaxy had a plan for him after all. And perhaps that plan involved you. Even if it didn't, Kylo would make it his mission to make you his.
And he did.