Ellie had been in this position before - standing before a mirror in a dress she probably wouldn't wear in any normal circumstance.
But this wasn't any normal circumstance, this was the day of her mother's funeral, and suddenly wearing a dress didn't feel as awful as it used to. Instead, there was some solace in it, knowing Adelaide would be happy to see her in one. Though that didn't make the prospects of the day any better.
Black had never been Ellie's colour. She stuck to brighter ones instead, happier ones, for those ones made her smile. But now her dress was the dullest of colours there were, reflecting the darkness that seemed to be spreading everywhere. In Ellie's soul; seeping into the walls of her home; following closely behind wherever she went. Painting vibrant flowers of the purest pinks and reds made her momentarily forget that everywhere else was grey. Even her mind felt absent of any light. So, in many ways, the black dress she wore was a good representation of how she felt. Yet, Ellie found herself not wanting to have to display that so openly with everyone.
It was the first time she'd had been in her room since she'd returned home, having Clementine bring her clothes down to the Orangery, but mostly living out of her Hogwarts trunk once it arrived. The white of it all was quite blinding really, the pure colour seeming so wrong now such a pure soul had been taken from the world. And the black dress looked odd against the colour of fresh snow everywhere else. It made the dress feel uncomfortable, as if the brunette was out of place in her own room. But then, Ellie wouldn't really call this her room anymore, the Orangery was her space now. And whilst the room she stood in housed her bed, and her possessions, and was decorated exactly to her taste. It was also decorated exactly to Adelaide's taste.
Like everything in Ellie's life.
In fact, the brunette had never despised her own appearance so much, looking so much like her mother as she did. The soft curves of her features which she got from her mother; her stance and posture which was taught to her by her mother; her smile that matched Adelaide's so perfectly; every single one of her mannerisms, right down to the way she blinked, which looked like mirror images of how Adelaide was. Used to be.
The only thing that wasn't the same, were her eyes - the only safe thing to look at in the mirror.
There was no way to be free of her, when all Ellie had to do was get a glimpse of her reflection to see her mother again. And that was the difficult question she'd pondered over for a while: whether she wanted to push the memories of her mother away or just feel everything and try to live on that way. Pushing it all away was easy, but clearly that meant pushing everything Ellie knew about herself away too. Not only did she look like the splitting image of Adelaide, but she was so much like her, that trying to forget her mother only called for a complete change in personality. Ellie didn't have the strength needed to take such a different direction in life. That only left the feeling. But that wasn't an easy task either.
Euphemia had picked out the dress she wore, for Cyrus had no knowledge of anything of the sort, and Ellie did think it was pretty. But pretty dresses hardly seemed important anymore. Mum would want only the prettiest of dresses - she told herself, trying to keep in mind that right now, everything was for Adelaide. And if she was going to try and continue with the memory of her mother, instead of trying to suppress it all away, that was something she was going to have to get used too.
Pretty dresses for mum - which surprisingly didn't seem like too much of a chore. Now there wasn't anyone forcing her into the dress, being in one wasn't so bad, she figured. In fact, Ellie craved the works of art which hung carefully in her wardrobe, usually never having eyes lay on them. Anything other than this depressing colour.
Crossing the room, to her wardrobe, Ellie slid open the half that always stayed closed. It was the half where Persephone Eloise was tucked away, out of sight and out of mind until there was a big fancy event which called for being perfectly pureblood. It was the half of her wardrobe that she always used to hate, but now she found herself riffling through it, desperately wanting those times back. Even the dress she thought looked like a tapestry from the last party they had, looked worlds more elegant than it did then. Something about the fact it was the last dress Adelaide would ever force her into, the last dress Adelaide would ever see her in... It made it special.
Perhaps, Ellie would now say she wasn't as against pretty dresses as she once was.
One problem that wouldn't go away though was her hair, and it had been dripping down her back as she'd been getting ready. Leaving a trail of water droplets on the carpet as she padded back over to the mirror, Ellie questioned what an earth she was going to do about it. At school, she was able to cast a mediocre drying spell and have Lily or Marlene help with the rest, and at home Adelaide would sit for nearly an hour detangling, drying and styling it for her. Yet now, Ellie was on her own with it for the first time in her life, with not even magic to help. She knew for a fact that if she left it to air dry, it became puffy and an even more unmanageable mess, something she couldn't let happen. Whether she felt up to it or not, the brunette knew she was going to have to put on a show today, look good for appearances so that no one worried about her. Turning up with a bird's nest for hair, didn't seem like the best way to do that.
After many minutes of continuous brushing, pondering how she was going to go about making it look nice, Ellie finally gave in. Cyrus would be no help, and she was sure he was off doing last minute preparations before everyone arrived, so the only other option she had were the Potters. And not Fleamont either.
There was no haste in Ellie's steps as she made her way next-door, keeping her eyes on the floor so that she didn't have to see chairs and flowers being set out on the lawn. Having the funeral outside seemed like an odd thing in the middle of February, it was cold and the day wasn't a particularly nice one, but she figured that Adelaide's favourite place was the garden, and so it made sense in some ways. Whoever the people were setting up payed the brunette no attention, and Ellie weaved her way through the woods, glad to be getting a little further away from the reality she'd have to face today.
Something about the stillness of the woods was peaceful, even as her thoughts swirled dangerously, and so she took her time. Time which she didn't exactly have, but time she needed. Crossing her arms around her tightly to combat against the chilly air, she let the rustling leaves be the only thing she listened to, shutting out all the noise in her head.
Everything was always so loud at the moment, and it was starting to get maddening. Quiet wasn't something she used to like, revelling in how easy it was for everyone to get hyped up when people yelled enthusiastically. But now, all her thoughts constantly screamed at her, and anything above silence was deafening.
Only when she stepped on a particularly sharp rock, did Ellie realise that she'd forgotten to put any shoes on. A stupid thing to forget, but overlooked in her crowded mind. Her steps faltered briefly, as she looked down to see how muddy her feet had gotten, concerned there was a now a stinging throb in the bottom of her left foot. It's probably bleeding, she concluded, cursing herself for being so absent minded. However, she continued to stumble along, ignoring the shooting pain that shot up her foot every time she placed it down again. There are more important things.
"Ellie, honey, what are you doing out and about with wet hair? Get inside you'll catch a chill."
She almost went colliding with Euphemia as she went to open the Potter's front door, the loving woman seemingly coming outside herself. Flapping her hands immediately, she ushered the brunette inside, but Ellie wouldn't step off of the doormat. The vacant look on her face panicked Euphemia no end, having been under the impression she'd been getting a little better recently, but now, she looked as lifeless as she had done a month ago.
"I forgot." Ellie mumbled, eyes glassy as she pointed at her feet, "I think I'm bleeding."
Euphemia didn't need to be told anymore and with one wave of her wand, all the mud on the brunette's feet disappeared. Smiling gently, she placed an arm around Ellie's shoulder, guiding her through to the living room and onto a cushioned stool so she could check her feet over. She was, in fact, bleeding, a small gash down the centre of her left foot dripping blood down her heel as Euphemia lifted it up to inspect. Pursing her lips together, eyes full of pity whilst she crouched in front of the girl, the loving woman waved her wand once more and a thin pink line replaced the gash.
Ellie didn't acknowledge she'd been healed, gaze fixed on the far wall and all colour drained from her face. It seemed any ounce of strength she thought she'd mustered up for herself had dissolved away as quickly as the mud did from her feet. She was a shell of herself again - the life she'd managed to grasp a hold of by throwing herself into her art and writing back to her friends, was gone.
I can't do it...
"Why have you got wet hair, honey?" Euphemia asked gently, placing her hands on Ellie's cheeks to bring her empty eyes towards her. The brunette just shrugged, not truly seeing despite her looking at the loving woman before her, "Do you want me to dry it for you? We've not got much time left."
Ellie just nodded, not wanting to admit she didn't have the skills to sort it out herself. It was ridiculous, she knew that, being fourteen and not able to do her own hair. But Ellie had never had to learn. Her mother sitting her down in front of her dressing table was their thing, and now Adelaide was gone, the brunette felt abandoned.
Abandoned and so pathetic.
She didn't pay attention to what Euphemia did, she just sat there, her gaze fixed back on the wall. The moment was looming nearer and nearer, the moment where she'd have to put on a brave face for everyone and say goodbye.
Brave - such a strange concept. What her family was founded on, courage. Gryffindor and proud. Yet, Ellie didn't feel like she had even a fraction of bravery left. All of it had been used up by now and having to face everyone for the funeral was beyond daunting. Everyone expected her to have more than enough strength, the courage of a lion, but she didn't, and pretending she did was exhausting. That's why it was so easy to shut herself away in the Orangery, because in there, no one saw her cry.
Smoothing the chocolate waves down once they were dry, Euphemia kissed the top of Ellie's head before letting her stand. She brought her into a tight hug, refusing to let her go until she felt she'd squeezed the brunette back together somewhat. Ellie was like the daughter she never had and seeing her so lost was heart-breaking. In many ways, it felt like not only had they lost Adelaide but the beautiful girl they all knew before too. Euphemia just wanted to hold her until all evil in the world had been abolished, and Ellie didn't want to let go either.
The loving woman was the closest thing to a mother she had left.
They were interrupted by the fireplace erupting into huge green flames, and the pair shuffled around to watch as a familiar man came striding out, brushing down his robes. Euphemia reached forward to grab Fleamont's hand briefly, and he brought it to his mouth to kiss the palm of her hand, but she didn't let go of Ellie as the brunette stayed clinging to her. The couple shared a knowing look, before Fleamont reached a hand out for Ellie to take, sending her a kind smile and giving her hand an affectionate squeeze. Where he had been, Ellie didn't know, but she was glad he was here now, and he stood watching the fireplace too - someone else must be coming.
As if on cue, the green flames roared again, and another figure came stumbling into the living room. Hair messy and glasses crooked, Ellie didn't have to think twice about who it was, and she leapt forward into the boy's arms immediately.
Tears were streaming down her face uncontrollably, as she wrapped her arms around James Potter, tucking her face into his neck and not letting go. The messy haired boy sighed once his mind caught up, hugging her back as tightly as possible, relieved to finally be there to comfort his best friend. It had been too long without seeing each other, and the way Ellie was crying into his neck broke his heart. The beautiful girl never cried. Or at least she never used to. James never wanted to let her go, giving his parents a worried look over Ellie's shoulder, but all they could do was send him sad smiles in return.
In all the emotion, another person stepping out of the fireplace went unnoticed, but he wasn't entirely sure he'd be welcomed anyway. The beautiful girl's reply to his letter was encouraging, but whether she'd want him here was a whole different question. Yet, he still found his feet itching to rush forward and hug her like James was, for everything shattered around him to see Ellie crying.
James pulled away gently from the hug, remembering that Sirius had probably arrived by now. As badly as he'd wanted to return home to be with Ellie, he knew that Sirius had been just as desperate too as well. He'd never vocalised it, but James saw the vacant look in his best friend's eyes without the beautiful girl around. He'd also woken up early some mornings and found Sirius clutching the letters Euphemia sent to his chest, looking like he'd fallen asleep whilst reading them - the messy haired boy never said anything about it, and pretended he didn't know. Ellie being gone had effected Sirius more than he'd let on, and James knew how important it was that they saw each other, regardless of whether they'd made up or not.
"Cubs..." Kissing her temple gently, James' voice was cautious, but so comforting after it had been void from Ellie's life for too long, "There's someone else here to see you."
He backed away, unwrapping Ellie's arms from around him and nodding back towards the fireplace. She momentarily screwed up her face in confusion, sniffling and wiping at her cheeks to rid them of tears.
But then she saw him standing there.
There was a moment where no one was sure how Ellie was going to react, and Euphemia took a step forward, ready to intervene if she needed to. The brunette just stood staring at Sirius as if he was a ghost, or a complete stranger. Usually, she'd rush forward and hug him as tight as possible. But she didn't.
She just stood.
And he just stood.
Both waiting for whatever it was that would heal what had been broken.
In the grand scheme of things, Ellie knew how insignificant their argument had been. She knew that it was petty and pointless, for her eyes had been opened to what the true bad things in life were. Just over a month ago it would've felt like them fighting was the end of the world, that everything was coming crashing down and there would be no way to move past it. But now, things really were coming crashing down and Ellie was somewhere lost amongst it all. Their argument was unimportant - just a small bump in a road full of potholes, just a smudge of grey on their colourful canvas. It was something that could be filled in or painted over, it didn't have to ruin everything. For Ellie knew, if she let this tear them apart, her whole life would become one huge smudge of grey.
How could she expect to move forward from her mother's death, if something as pointless as a falling out made her crumble?
"I'm exhausted." She whispered, words barely audible, but eyes still fixed on the handsome boy.
A tortured expression washed over his features, and that was enough for Sirius to cross the room to her immediately. He came to a halt right in front of her, hands hovering awkwardly at his sides as he decided whether to hug her or not. All he wanted was to wrap her up in his arms and tell her everything would be okay. But those were words he couldn't promise.
"How do you live with so much pain?"
Slowly Sirius brought his hands up to her cheeks, cupping her face carefully and rubbing his thumbs over the dark circles rimming her eyes. They were so flat, dull, far from the dazzling sea green he was used to. Emptier than they were that first week back at school after Christmas. Now they were hollow and so soulless.
"You get numb to it after a while." He whispered in return, words catching in his throat as his heart threatened to shatter.
Ellie leaned into his touch, shutting her eyes tight and trying to pretend they were just back at Hogwarts, being ridiculous as they always were. But it wasn't as easy as that. Tears slipped down her cheeks as she placed her hands on top of his, clinging to something that would keep her grounded, for she was sure everything was going to consume her.
"It's going to eat me alive."
"Don't let it." Lifting her face up slightly, Sirius made her open her eyes as listen properly, "There are some ghosts we have to make friends with."
"How do I do that?"
"You let them walk with you."
He finally brought the beautiful girl into a hug, letting her tuck herself as close to his chest as possible - two souls that needed each other reunited once more. As always, they had a way of drifting back together, nothing being spoken aloud for them to reconcile. They both just knew. They could disagree and fight and completely fall apart, but they'd always need each other, and that was more powerful than any harsh words that were spat back and forth.
They perhaps needed each other more than either of them needed James, and the messy haired boy was their rock.
"I've got a letter for you from Reg. I'll give it to you after."
Pulling away from their hug, Sirius wiped the remaining tears from Ellie's cheeks, checking her over to make sure she was as okay as she could be. She just nodded in reply.
Sirius Black wasn't gentle by nature, he was brash and forceful, but James watched as his best friend was so cautious with the broken girl. His voice had never been so smooth and velvety, his touch so careful and tender - it was as if he were handling broken glass. As caring as James could be, he knew there was no way he could piece Ellie back together like Sirius could, not with the way he was looking at her as if she was the most precious thing on the planet. He could try his hardest, but ultimately, she'd only be okay again if Sirius was there to be okay with her. James knew he couldn't compete, despite having known the beautiful girl all his life, but he also knew that was fine.
He might not always be able to be there for Ellie, but he could count on Sirius taking his place if he couldn't be.
The funeral was a beautiful one, befitting for the beautiful soul that was lost. Kind words were spoken, and more tears shed, but Adelaide was lay to rest peacefully in the graveyard in Godric's Hollow.
Only close relatives were invited, and everything was shielded carefully, in case a prying Daily Prophet writer decided they'd try to get any pictures. Ellie saw her father cry for the first time in her life, and nothing could be said to make things better, for she was sure if she had any tears left to spill, she'd be crying too.
The pair stood for a long time in their garden after they'd returned from the graveyard, staring out across the lawn and to the ever-luscious plants lining all the gravel paths. Cyrus held his daughter until it became too cold to stand outside any longer, and whilst neither of them could form any words, the silence was enough - as it always was these days. Losing Adelaide made them realise just how important it was to be together, for it was something they took advantage of before. Even if they both preferred to grieve alone, the time they spent as a family now, would never be taken for granted.
"Keep talking to me about how you feel." Cyrus squeezed Ellie tighter briefly, before pulling away to stroke her hair, "Never think we can't talk. I know your mother was better with words than I am, but it's just us now..." He paused briefly, looking at her intently, "And we can't abandon each other."
"Never." Ellie replied vehemently.
Her father was spinning the ring on his right middle finger anxiously. It was something Ellie had seen him do only a few times in her life, but she remembered Adelaide telling her once that he did it when there was something of importance on his mind - like a nervous tick. The ring was in the shape of a lion's head, golden and chunky, but Cyrus never took it off. Ellie had never seen him without it, for it was a family heirloom, one passed down to every child. It'd be hers one day, and she'd always admired the jewellery, but the fact it was an indication that her father was worried, unsettled her. He did have things to worry about, she knew that, but his words that followed only made her believe there was something else going on that she wasn't aware of.
"I know it's not necessarily important to you, but our family is a sacred one." Cyrus looked very serious as he began, "Before you tell me that I am turning 'pureblood' on you, I just want to remind you how vital it is that we look after each other. I don't doubt you heard Dumbledore speak about the replica sword being stolen?" Ellie nodded in reply, "Why it was, I cannot tell you, but it is testament to what lengths people will go to have a piece of our heritage. We have to protect what is ours to preserve."
It seemed like there was more her father wanted to tell her, but Ellie could see he wasn't going to. Instead, he waited for her to agree.
"There aren't many of us lions left now." She whispered, "...It's all down to me isn't it?"
"One day it will be, but for now it's our burden to share."
Dearest Ellie,
I have many things to apologise for, but I will start with how sorry I am for not writing to you sooner.
I'm ashamed it has taken me so long to send my condolences, for you are my kindest, and perhaps only true friend, and I have done wrong by not being by your side.
Please don't think I am making excuses, but you must understand how difficult this is for me. And by this, I mean our friendship. I am not my bother, nor am I a Gryffindor, and so us being friends comes at a great cost for me. Every moment we spend together, I risk a fate similar to Andromeda, because I truly care for you.
Perhaps too much.
That is the second thing I must apologise for. My feelings aren't your responsibility, and I promise you that they will no longer play a part in our relationship. I was foolish and I am disgraced by my behaviour, and so if you can't be friends with me anymore, I will understand. You were Sirius' friend before you were mine and it is selfish of me to think you will care for me more, and so I will respect your boundaries from now on.
Nothing I can say will make up for how poorly I acted, but I want to put it in the past. You mean so much to me, whether that is right or not, and I don't want to let my gormless ways come in between that. But as I say, I will understand if we can no longer be friends. And I do want to be, regardless of how my family can be.
You are worth it to me.
I do hope you are well, though I understand it must be difficult right now.
A hopeful friend,
Regulus. A. Black
•••
My favourite snake,
I will always be your friend, Regulus, never think am I not.
Your apology has been accepted with nothing but open arms, and I appreciate all the courage it took for you to do so. I am sorry that the conversation got out of hand the last time we spoke face to face, but I really was willing to hear you out, and not once did I want you to feel humiliated.
Whilst I can't reciprocate your feelings in the same way, and much of me wishes I could, for you are worth it to me too, it would be cruel to pretend that I was able to. I understand how superficial it seems for me to say that I would like to remain friends regardless, but I do mean it, for I really don't want to lose you. Your friendship is precious to me, and I may have known Sirius longer, but I care for you the same.
Recently, it has been easier for me to reflect on how much tension I have caused in the past by sharing my time between you two, but I refuse to pick a side.
And I know what it would mean for you if your family found out we were friends, please don't think I am dismissive of this, because whilst Sirius is good at rebelling, I respect your want to stay close to them. I will not share my opinion on whether I think that is a wise choice, but family loyalty is something I understand.
We all have lines to continue and inheritances to earn.
Stay in contact with me as best you can, and I hope we can move forward from this as friends once more.
Even if we have to keep it a secret.
Your friend always,
Ellie
Sirius was going to deliver the letter to his brother for Ellie, and whilst he complained that he wasn't some form of owl, he chose to do so willing.
True to his word, he wasn't going to come in between Ellie and Regulus anymore. It bothered him still that they were so close, especially if there were still some romantic feelings on his brother's part, but he now understood how much unnecessary conflict it caused. Of course, Sirius couldn't promise it would never wind him up again, but for now, he'd made peace with the fact. Being friends with Ellie and having some form of relationship with Regulus, was far more important than them all arguing all the time, because the little devil on his shoulder liked to still remind him that if he messed up again, the beautiful girl would probably leave him for his brother, and he'd lose them both.
That would hurt more than them getting together behind his back.
Ellie put her quill and ink away whilst James riffled through all her sketches on the workbench in the Orangery. It fascinated him no end, and in truth, he was slightly jealous he didn't have a summer house of his own. He received a light shove when he started disorganising all of her work, though the messy haired boy would argue it didn't look organised to begin with - Ellie told him that her chaos had an order, and he stopped being so careless then.
Sirius made himself comfy on the bed, nestling amongst the unmade duvet and clutching one of Ellie's pillows to his chest, as he lay staring at the vines trailing across the ceiling. He would never have said that a space like the Orangery would make him feel happy, for it wasn't done to his taste, but something about the space felt so peaceful. Just being under bedsheets that smelt of coconut shampoo was enough to lull him into serenity, despite the emotionally draining day. Sleep that wasn't tainted with nightmares didn't come to the handsome boy without Ellie by his side, but now he was ready nod off immediately. In fact, it felt safe to rest, knowing that he had his shield back temporarily.
"Is this Moony's?" James asked, picking the ugly mustard jumper off of the stool in front of the easel.
"He sent it, like you sent your Quidditch blanket." Ellie snatched the jumper back, quite protectively. It wasn't hers, and so she didn't want him damaging it somehow, but it had also become a well needed safety blanket. Precious, "Don't touch it."
After she set it down again, further out of reach from James Potter this time, Ellie padded over to the bed. Sirius opened his arms out to her as she crawled in next to him, letting her get as close as she'd like, which of course, was as close as she could get. Rolling on his side to face her, Sirius put the pillow he was holding back in its spot, so she had something to lay her head on.
"Comfy?" Ellie whispered, hoping for some form of distraction now she was left to mull in her thoughts about the funeral.
"It smells good here." Brushing stray chocolate waves out of her face, Sirius replied with his voice just as low.
Ellie wanted to laugh, but the sound wouldn't come out. His words gave her a glimpse of how things used to be, before she spent her days shut in the Orangery away from the world. It gave her a glimpse of how ridiculous things once were, now that they were trapped in a world that had become all too serious. What she would give to go back to that time where things seemed so easy, where things were chaotic and she loved it that way. Now things were messy in a way that became jumbled and difficult to navigate. All Ellie wanted, was to capture this moment that held some form of peace, and never let it go, for everything else was too difficult to bear.
"Persephone Eloise..." Sirius' voice was even quieter as he spoke again, his lips barely moving.
It wouldn't have been clear he'd spoken if Ellie wasn't gazing at him so intensely, though she was slightly caught off guard. She couldn't remember the last time he'd called her by her proper name, if he ever had done to her face before. It succeeded in distracting her enough to keep her swirling thoughts at bay.
"Sirius Orion..."
Copying his movement, Ellie brushed the strands of hair that always fell forward in his face away, letting her fingers linger on his cheek for longer than normal.
Everything seemed to shift briefly, like it did that day they went out in the torrential rain, and both of them found themselves holding their breath. They couldn't have torn their eyes away from each other if they'd wanted to, stormy grey whipping up sea green like it never had done before, and the rest of the world melted away. It was just them, whatever emotions were bubbling away, and...
"James Fleamont."
The messy haired boy collapsed onto the bed, squishing himself as close to the pair as possible and pulling his Quidditch blanket around himself. He had to set his glasses straight again, turning to face his friends who had firmly grounded in reality once more.
"I feel like I drew the short straw on fancy names."
Whilst James had potentially ruined the peace, Ellie was glad he was there all the same. It might have been a very sad day, but the two black haired boys had somewhat managed to raise her spirits and breathe some form of life back into her again. They'd be gone by tomorrow evening, and things would get more difficult again, but the beautiful girl would count down the days until the summer holidays arrived and she could see them again. Returning to school this year didn't seem like an option for her, and as much as she was missing Remus and Peter, Lily and Marlene, she still needed time until she was ready to face the world once more.
For now, the Orangery was her world and that was okay.