The bat flew across the mountain, and into a world of tall buildings. It circled around the tallest of the buildings – Tyro's palace. If it had looked inside, it would have seen two people in the highest, most magnificent of its rooms.
Tyro's throne was as shiny and hard as the palace walls. Even Tyro himself seemed hard and shiny to Sleech, looking up at his master's helmet, with its three spikes, the middle spike pointing at the high ceiling. Looking at his silver suit, studded with bright jewels. Looking at the all-powerful ruler of Bartyronis.
Sleech wore a dark robe. His teeth were bared in what he hoped was a smile. But he was not happy. He wanted to get this business over and leave.
'Your Mightiness,' said Sleech, 'it gives me the greatest pleasure to report that you are now the most powerful individual that ever lived on this planet.'
Sleech hoped his master would be satisfied with this. It was entirely true, if not the whole story. Sleech backed away to leave. He wouldn't stay talking with Tyro for longer than necessary. Tyro was not somebody who liked details. The rest could wait. Better to bring it up when Tyro was otherwise distracted.
But before Sleech could reach the door, Tyro spoke. His heart sank.
'Yes, it's quite an achievement isn't it?' Tyro said. 'My grandfather would be proud. A great man.'
Tyro's large chin jutted towards Sleech, like an arrow pointing at a small, round balloon. No escape now. Sleech took a step towards Tyro, choosing his words with care.
'He was indeed a very, very great man, Your Excellency. He conquered half the world.'
'Yes, conquering half the world is quite a difficult thing to do, wouldn't you say?'
'Extremely difficult,' said Sleech. 'Your grandfather was incredibly courageous.'
'Not just courageous,' said Tyro. 'He was also very... very – what's that word?' Tyro didn't wait for a reply. 'He was very dextrous.'
'Dextrous?' said Sleech.
'Yes. Dextrous. Don't you know what that means?
'Oh, yes indeed. Good with his hands.'
'Good? He was amazing! A-ma-zing! My father told me that grandpa could hold up a glass of water, turn it upside down, then catch all the water in the glass – before it hit the ground!'
'That is indeed, extremely difficult,' agreed Sleech, 'Now, Your Highness, I must...'
'Yes, but not as difficult as what I've done. My father would be very proud.'
'I am sure your father would be very proud indeed, Your Greatness.'
'Yes,' Tyro said, 'my father achieved more than anybody before him...'
'He was a great conqueror,' said Sleech. He shuddered, remembering of some of that conquering.
'More than that,' replied Tyro. 'He could tie his own shoelaces at the age of two...'
'Yes, Your Highness. That is, indeed, incredible.'
'That's not incredible, Sleech. I bet there are loads of two-year-olds who can tie their shoelaces. But my father, the Great Tyranno Tyrannosus the Second, could do it with his eyes closed, wearing silver-plated gloves and standing upside down in a swimming pool.'
'Your father was, indeed, mighty, ingenious and dextrous.' Sleech said. 'Now, Your Mightiness, I must...'
'But he never managed to do what I did.'
Sleech realised he would not escape quickly.
It was important to avoid giving Tyro bad news, whilst not actually saying anything that was strictly untrue. Well, being untrue wasn't so bad. Being caught saying something untrue was the problem. Flattery was also essential. And with any luck Tyro would soon get bored.
Sleech looked around the room. Such a big room for such a small man.
'He did not manage to do what you have done, Great Tyro. Nobody else could match your achievement!' Sleech hoped this would end the conversation.
'Nobody. Nobody else. There is not, there never has been, there never will be anybody else as mighty, as powerful, as clever, as... as... as...' Tyro slowed to a halt, and looked almost pleadingly at Sleech.
'Brave?' suggested Sleech.
'Yes, brave, of course. That goes without saying.'
'Indeed.'
'Yes, goes without saying.' A thought passed through Tyro's brain. His expression changed from enjoyment to anger. He looked fiercely at Sleech. 'Goes without saying,' he repeated, quietly. Quietly was a bad sign.
'Yes, Your Highness. Master of the Still Stars and of the Flaming Door,' said Sleech, nervously.
'So why did you say it?' barked Tyro.
'Say what?'
'That nobody has been as brave as me. It goes without saying, so why did you say it?' Tyro raised his voice. 'Are you actually saying that I'm not all that brave? That nobody would say I was brave unless forced to?'
'Oh no Great Tyro! I merely said it because, as you say, it goes without saying. But on the other hand, it cannot be said nearly enough. You are, indeed, extremely brave. Brave, brave, brave. I could say it more, if you like?' Sleech tried to smile, without success.
Tyro looked quizzically at Sleech. 'No need for that, Sleech. But you must be very careful what you say. If something goes without saying, but you still say it, people might think you don't actually believe it, and are saying it to make sure other people think you believe it. Understand?'
'Oh, yes, Your Awfulness. You put it extremely well. I understand precisely.' He wasn't sure he did. 'I should have said that it goes without saying that you are the bravest person who ever lived, and it also needs to be said as often as possible.'
'Yes, I suppose so,' said Tyro, calming down while he considered Sleech's compliment. 'Yes. Well, what is absolutely clear is that I, Tyro Tyranno Tyrannosus the Third, am the very first person to have conquered the whole world.'
'Absolutely,'said Sleech.' You are indeed the first person to conquer...' Sleech hesitated, then coughed. But the cough was a strange one. It sounded like a word, though it was difficult to tell which word. Then Sleech continued '... the whole world.'
'What was that?' asked Tyro.
'What?'
'What did you just say?' demanded Tyro.
'I said, "the whole world"' answered Sleech.
'Yes, but before you said "the whole world", you said something else.'
'Did I?'
'Yes. You said "You are the first person to conquer cough-cough the whole world"'.
'Cough-cough?' said Sleech.
'It was a word, but it sounded like a cough. Or a cough that sounded like a word.'
'Ah, yes, Your Most Wonderfulness. Yes. Hmm. You know, it really is the greatest of achievements, to be in control of so much of this planet. From the frozen south to the frozen north, you are in charge of it all...'
'I know that.'
'All...' Sleech coughed again.
'What are you saying, Sleech?'
Sleech whispered, 'Al... most.'
'That's it,' said Tyro. That's the word. What you were saying under your cough. You should get some medicine for that cough. It sounds...'
Tyro stopped suddenly. 'What do you mean, "almost"?'
Sleech started speaking quickly. 'You are more in charge than anybody else, ever. Whatever you say, the people of the world must do. Every one of them.'
'Every single one, yes.'
Sleech paused. Did he really need to say the next word? He had paused too long now. He had to say it. He swallowed, then spoke.
'Except...'
'Except? EXCEPT?' Tyro's voice rose.
Tyro stood. Strangely, he looked smaller standing than sitting. But Tyro standing was an even worse sign than speaking quietly. 'Except whom?'
'Except, hardly anyone.'
'Sleech, are you saying there are some people that I can't order around – people who will not do what I tell them to do?'
'Not exactly people,' said Sleech.
'Not people? Are you talking about animals?'
'Well, no, Your Angriness. Strictly speaking they are people. But they're not our sort of people. They resemble animals in some ways.'
'If they are people and they live on this planet, then I am their Boss of Bosses. I, I,' Tyro hit his chest, rather too hard, almost knocking himself over. Sleech was about to run to catch him, but Tyro recovered his balance and continued, 'I am their rightful ruler, and they must know that.'
'Yes, Fountain of all Power. But there are very few of them.'
'I don't care how many or how few they are. Until I've conquered them, I can't properly say I'm ruler of the entire world. Everything will be spoiled. I won't have what I want. I'll keep thinking about these... these people who can do whatever they want.' Tyro's anger was mixed with sadness. He was almost in tears. 'Where are they, anyway?'
'Where are they?' Sleech was sorry that he'd told Tyro any of this. But if had found out some other way, Sleech would be in even bigger trouble. Giving bad news to a tyrant was difficult. They blamed you for the news, whether or not it was your fault. It's no good just telling them what they want to hear, because if there's something they don't want to hear, and you don't tell them, they get even more furious later. Tyro's father had been the same. Probably his grandfather too.
'Where are these people who I can't boss about?'
'Well, Your Magnificence, that is the problem. This group of organisms is in a rather inaccessible location. There are about ten thousand of them, but at present we have no means of actually reaching them.'
'Ten thousand?'
'Or twenty thousand. A tiny number, compared to the millions under your control.'
'I don't care how tiny the number is. People must say "Tyro Tyranno Tyrannosus the Third conquered all the people of the planet Earth". All the people. Not all except ten or twenty thousand. I must be the greatest ruler that has ever been or will ever be. Understand?'
'Of course, Your Mightiness. But...'
'But? BUT? BUT! I want no "buts"! These people, these things, this country must be conquered. Put under my control. Where is it?'
'To the west, Your Wonderfulness, in the Grabble Mountains.'
Tyro stopped still. He looked surprised. He sat down again.
'The Grabble Mountains?'
'Correct, Great Tyro.'
'You mean those volcanoes?'
'Yes, O Master of Masters. These people live surrounded by spouting, active volcanoes.'
'So they almost live next door! It's ridiculous. How have they survived? Why haven't we conquered them already?' Tyro screamed.
'Well, Your Greatiness,' Sleech began.
'Greatiness?' said Tyro, 'What's "Greatiness"?'
'I, erm, I, er, I meant to say that you are very great, and mighty, and greaty...'
'Greatiness and greaty are not words!' shouted Tyro. 'Stop saying things that have no meaning!'
'Yes, Your...' Sleech returned to the most familiar phrase, 'Your Highness. The Grabble Mountain people, the Grabblers, have remained unnoticed precisely because of those volcanoes. They have been hidden by the ash clouds, though they have managed to live a fairly comfortable life in the middle of the mountains.'
'Fairly comfortable? What do you mean? Comfortable without knowing anything about me?' Tyro's face grew red.
'I mean,' Sleech quickly corrected himself, 'in their ignorance they believed, believe themselves comfortable. They have no understanding of the benefits of your rule.'
'How do we know they're there? How did you find them?' asked Tyro.
'We discovered them with the thought-scanners,' Sleech replied.
'Of course,' said Tyro, 'my invention.'
'Yes, yes,' agreed Sleech, hastily.' And what a wonderful invention! The thought-scanners have ensured that any sign of wrong thinking is quickly corrected. And we now know that all of our citizens are very, very happy with you as their ruler.'
'Perhaps,' said Tyro, 'but it's a terrible pity that we aren't able to listen in on everybody's thoughts all the time. There might still be some people thinking very wrong thoughts.'
'Absolutely, Your... Mighty Tyro,' said Sleech.' I am sure eventually we will be able to listen in to all the thoughts of all the people. But our sampling programme is quite effective, and it encourages everybody to think very carefully... before they think.'
Confusion showed in Tyro's face.
'What do you mean, Sleech – "think before they think"? People mustn't think before they think. They just have to think properly in the first place.'
'Yes, Tyro.'
'How did my thought-scanners catch these Grabblers, hiding behind their ashy wall?'
'Over the past five years the thought-scanners have checked thinking patterns all over the globe, zooming in on any thoughts we found unacceptable.'
'I don't understand why there are unacceptable thoughts. Who could be unsatisfied?'
'There are some very sick people around, Your Magnificence, but their numbers are fewer and fewer. In the past, we have only turned scanners on inhabited areas, but by an oversight...'
'You mean a mistake?'
'Not exactly, Master of the Air and Water, because it told us something we had not known until then. A scanner was pointed to the middle of the Grabble Mountains. It turned out that there were some strange thoughts emanating from that area.'
'The thoughts of these Grabblers!'
'You have understood completely, Your Quickliness.'
'Well, Sleech, Grabblers must be made our subjects. Put to work for the glory of Great Bartyronis.'
'Bu... b...' Sleech had almost let the dreaded word "but" slip, out. He quickly corrected himself: 'B... Better for them if what you say comes to pass, Your Wiseness. However...' Sleech hesitated, 'there is a problem. Although we can scan some of the thoughts of the people in this valley, the place itself is inaccessible.'
'Why?'
'Our air-travelling machines cannot cross those mountains, Great Ruler. The constant dust from the volcanoes stops the machines working properly. We are working on the problem, in fact...'
'No, no, no!' Tyro stood again, shaking his fists and stamping his feet. 'It cannot be. We must cross the mountains. We must reach them! How is it, Sleech, that in ancient times, the people of this world were able to fly all over the planet, even to the moon, and yet, here am I, the most powerful ruler that has ever been, and I can't even get across a fiddly-giddly mountain range?'
'Your Terrificness...'
'Stop making up words. Answer the question!'
'The stories of ancient, powerful flying machines, and moon ships are almost certainly untrue. They are legends. Nobody has ever been cleverer than you, and since you have not invented a moon ship, it cannot be possible.'
Tyro seemed calmed by this. He sat down. He didn't like standing for long. Sleech continued.
'If ever there were primitive flying machines, that must have been at a time when the mountains on this planet were much smaller. Perhaps, then, the Grabbles were ordinary mountains, not constantly emitting dust and smoke.' Sleech was not sure Tyro was convinced. 'We know that terrible changes happened to this planet. It was probably then that the people of the Grabble Valley became cut off. They have lived separate lives for so long, they are almost a different sort of creature from us. Perhaps – consider that you have conquered the whole world, even if these creatures are not included. They are not part of our world, Great Tyro. It might be best if we just left them alone. They'll die out before very long.'
Now Tyro lost all semblance of calm. He stood again. 'Leave them alone!? No, no, no, no! They must be conquered! Controlled! They must be my subjects! I don't care how it happens, but their land must be reached, and they must be taken! Do you understand? Or do I have to use the thought-scanner on you?'
This was the most terrifying of threats. Sleech was horror-struck at the suggestion that the thought-scanner might be used on him. Could he trust himself to think the right sort of thoughts? He must avoid that at all costs.
'Your Most Magnificent Geniosity,' he proclaimed, 'you are, of course, absolutely right. I was merely testing my own argument, and knew you would put the only possible strategy. These Grabblers will be taken. I will ensure that our flying machines are made better, faster, higher, or whatever. The mountain dust will be no obstacle; we will reach the Grabblers and ensure that their thoughts will only be of you.'
'Good. Get on with it. I want these wrong-thinkers under the control of Great Bartyronis by... by...'
'The tenth year of your reign? In two years?' ventured Sleech.
'My birthday! This year!'
'But, Great One, that is only ...'
'I know very well how long it is. Plenty of time.'
'Y... y... yes, O Great Ruler, I will...'
'Go now. I'm tired. All these decisions. It's hard work, you know.' Tyro slumped into his throne.
Sleech backed out quickly, nodding and bowing. How was he going to manage this? He must get the builders of the flying machines to create something impervious to the dust that had cut off the Grabblers for centuries. And he must do it in time for Tyro's birthday. Sleech had very effective ways of persuading people to do things they didn't really want to do. Getting them to do things they couldn't do was rather more difficult.
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