Ive been at my mothers house for around a week now.I felt so unbelievabley guilty for letting things get so heated at her wedding. I felt like I had ruined the entire night but Kim was persistent on assuring me that it was the best night of her life.
I left Molly at the wedding completely forgetting that I was the one who brought her with me. She rang me the day after the wedding apolagizing for what happened and asking if we were still ok. I wasnt upset with her because she was the one who stopped anything from happening. As much as I used to despise molly I liked her company and I wanted her as my assistant.
I havent spoken to Hardin once and knowing I ended things with him made it hurt so much more. I kick myself everyday for not saying those 3 words back to him. It broke my heart seeing the look on his face when I said nothing back. I love him more than anything in this world and for him to think I dont feel the same after all of these years pains me more than ever.
"Tess are you okay?" My mother sits next to me on the couch watching some day time TV show that she has recently become obbsessed with.
"sorry im just...distracted." I sigh as I avert my eyes from the floor to the TV.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"No. Im fine mom" she wraps her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into her waist.
"Tess I know you better than that and trying to ignore everything that happened between you two is just going to make it worse.Why don't you just give him a call and see if he's okay?"
"Mom i promise you he does not want to talk to me right now. Nor ever again most likely." I take a deep breath and shake my head trying to rid the burdens from my head. I plaster on a smile and try to act like im interested in this show.
Im supposed to be leaving today and Kim's agreed to pick me up. She drove my car back to her house the day after the wedding knowing I wouldnt be in town for a few days.
"Tess your the most stubborn person I know. Maybe more so than me but I've never seen you so devastated over an argument between you two before. Back in college you were all over eachother and you forgave him for his mistakes no matter what."
"BUT WE ARE NOT IN COLLEGE ANYMORE! And it wasnt an argument I ended things with him." I snap getting off the sofa a bit too quickly that all the blood rushed from my brain giving me an instant headache.
"I am not the same person I was back then mom and you know that. I am an adult now with responsibilities and a job I dont have to keep giving people chances all the time." I storm off and make my way up to my old room to be alone. I sit on my small bed still in the exact same position it has been in since I was 6. I missed my old room. This house held so many memories for me good and bad. I wish I hadn't snapped at my mom,I know she just wants the best for me. She used to hate hardin. And I mean HATE him. She would call me all the time just to remind me but it went straight over my head because i loved him and I still do. A big part of me knew that the only reason she didn't like him was because hardin reminded her of my father. When mine and hardins relationship was at an all time low thats when she got really worried and told me to leave him. I did and it was MY decision. I didnt let anyone else's opinions influence that decision. Then my mom fell ill and I came home to take care of her for a while.
I stayed with her for roughly 6 months but then she told me I had to leave because she didn't want to hold me back. I knew she was right so I put myself in debt to provide her with a carer. By then I was suffering from depression and anxiety at the possibility that hardin was dead. The guilt consumed me because I knew he was gone because of me. Suicide was a daily thought but I could never bring myself to do it. Something about taking my own life to stop my own internal pain seemed selfish. I would be causing pain to all those that I loved while doing so. Im snapped out of my thoughts by the sound of knocking at my door.
"Tess?" My mother walks in and sits next to me on the bed.
"Im sorry I yelled." I apolagize.
"I have something for you." She gets off the bed and kneels down on the floor pulling a box out from under my bed.
"Whats this?" She hands me the box and I put it down next to me. It feels quite light but there is definitely something in there.
"Just open it." I take the lid off the box and I immediately want to cry.
"You kept them all" I swallow back the lump in my throat. Inside lay my charm bracelet,the letter that he wrote so many years ago all taped up,my religion journal,photos of me and hardin and my kindle.
"I thought you threw it all away?" When I had left i got all my stuff including sentimental value and brought it with me. Then I decided to move on from my past and wanted to throw it all away but I couldn't do it. It physically pained me to think about throwing any of these things in the trash but I was determined to forget about him so I told my mom to do it while I was out. When I came home the box was gone and the trash had been emptied. I cried myself to sleep. I wanted it all back. I wanted to read the letter again and put the bracelet back on but I was under the impression it was on its way to some dump site to be forgotten. My religion journal had more value to hardin than me and I saw it as a way of getting back at him. Destroying something that he cherished so much from the very early days of our...whatever it was.
I liked to read it because it reminded me of how much I loved him back in college. I was so confused by my feelings and too stubborn to admit them but hardin was also too much of an asshole for me to even picture what a relationship would look like between us.
"Oh I was ready to erase him from your life. I was standing next to the trash but I couldn't do it. For some reason I always had this gut feeling that you two would end up together for the rest of your lives regardless of wether I approved of him or not." I sit in silence for a few seconds looking at the objects in front of me. I pick up the bracelet and put it back on my wrist. I cant help but smile at having it back on my wrist.
"Tess tell me after all of these years since you two met and all the years that you weren't together did you ever feel the same amount of passion for someone as you do with hardin?"
"No. Not even close and I tried really fucking hard to fall in love with someone else. I didnt care who as long as it wasnt Hardin but I kept comparing it to how I felt with him because I knew that's what love felt like." The amount of dates I went on was ridiculous. I knew within the first 5 minutes of meeting them if it was going to turn into anything but then I had to endure an hour long dinner of small talk. When I first met hardin he intrigued me and made my stomach turn with nervousness. Even making eye contact with him would make me fall into some kind of trance. It scared me how willing I was to trust him.
"Has Hardin?"
"Not that I know of. He wasnt with anyone in California. He said it made him sick to think about." I find myself moving my finger over hardin's face on the photo of us dancing at Karen and Kens wedding. I remember getting the photo as a gift from Landon that he found when looking through the photographers pictures. It was my favourite photo of us. He was looking at me with so much intensity and adoration.
"Dont you think that theres a reason you two haven't been able to find other people to love but eachother. It so clear to me and everyone around you that you were both meant for eachother."
"Really?" I try not to think about other peoples opinion on our relationship because they all used to be bad. I heard 'be careful' more than 'you two are so good together'
"Yes. You've always gone back to eachother not to mention that theres no one else in this world that would put up with his shit. And yours." Shes right i just never really saw it like that.
"Look it's inevitable that you two will get back together so why prolong it. Stop wasting time and learn to forgive him by the time you drive back to Washington. Im sure that whatever he did was stupid but one thing I know about hardin is that he would never want to purposely hurt you." Every other time we have 'broken up' it was clear to me that we would get back together. As much as I hated him for it I needed him in my life.
"What if he hates me." I was going to listen for once and try and forgive him quickly but there's no saying that he won't forgive me. He always relied on my love for him to bring us back together but I said I dont love him anymore without actually saying "I dont love you anymore"
"He could never hate you tess. He loves you and he knows he won't ever love anyone else. You bith just need to apolagize and hug it out or whatever other...stuff you do." I cant help but laugh at her addition of the words 'other stuff' on the end of her sentence. In other words 'makeup sex' highly unconventional but feels great.
"I love you mom. Thank you for keeping these." I give her a hug and get my stuff ready to leave. I've had enough time to think over the last few days and I would rather argue and fight with him than not have him at all.
"Call me when you arrive ok." I start the long drive back home to good old Washington thinking about everything. What am I going to say? Will he talk to me? Does he hate me? What about everything that happened with molly? What if he won't answer? What if there is a girl there? What of molly is there!
I sit outside the apartment for at least an hour. I was nervous as fuck to go in there so I decide to go see Kim first.
"Tess! What are you doing here?" Her voice went from excited to slightly worried.
"I just got back. I wanted to talk to you before I go and talk to hardin." I go to walk in but she closes the door closer to her. Im confused.
"Whats going on? Why can't I come in?" She doesnt say anything she just turns her head to look back into the living room.
"Kim? Is he in there?" My stomach tightens.
"Um no he's not but we are busy right now. Can you come back in about an hour." Im thrown off by her answer. He's not here but yet she's awfully stuck in the doorway stopping me from seeing who is there. I can see all over her face that shes hiding something from me and doesnt want me to know. I push the door open and walk into the room. Vance,Kim,Landon,Ken,Karen and molly are all sat on the couch. They turn to me and they all tense up.
"What the fuck is going on here?" I look back at kim who sighs and closes the door knowing that im not leaving until I get an answer.
"You might want to sit down."
"I dont want to sit down Kim I want an answer. What is happening?" I know something is wrong from their faces but no one says anything.
I hear people talking from the kitchen so I follow the voices. Apparently people have lost their voice in the living room.
"Who are you?" I ask the man standing next to the kitchen counter with files spread out everywhere.
"Michael. Nice to meet you" he puts out his hand for me to shake. I accept out of politeness. I was a bit bount with asking him who he is.
"Im sorry but why are you here?" Before he can answer Molly calls my name from the other room.
"Someone needs to explain what is happening right now? Who is that?" The couch is facing me and everyone is just looking at their hands. I feel sick because I know something is wrong.
"He's a private investigator." Kim answers me.
"Why the fuck is there a PI here?"
"We didn't want to worry you but no ones heard from hardin since the wedding. He won't answer any of our calls or texts. We called everyone including Trish and he won't answer her either. We had to break into the apartment to see if he was there. All of his stuff is gone. No one knows where he is." My heart immediately starts to pound against my chest. This is all my fault. He would still be here if I just forgave him.
"So he's left again? Without telling anyone where he is?" My voice cracks at the realisation last time this happened I didnt see him for quite litteraly years.
"Tess try and stay calm. Weve got a private investigator and the police know of his disappearance. We will get him back ok."
"You want me to stay calm? Are you joking! He left because I basically told him I didn't love him anymore. This is my fault. Yet again." I leave the house in a rush for my car. I drive back to the apartment but I remember that I dont have a key anymore. I knock the neighbours door instead.
"Hi sorry to bother you but do you know where the guy next door went?" She looks at me confused because she still thinks we are together.
"Um no sorry. He left about a week ago in a rush." Great i have no idea where he's gone or if he's coming back. I drive back to my own apartment trying not to have a panic attack until im in my safe place. I fumble with keys in my shaky hands dropping them twice before I actaully open the door. I stumble over my mail and notice his handwriting on the front of an envelope.
Again im sorry I didn't update yesterday I know a lot of you were desperate for it. I wanted the chapter to be good and I know it won't be if im stressed.
Anyways let me know your thoughts. A lot of you guys commented ideas of what they want to happen next. I plan on including some of them but it will be spread out over several chapters not just one chapter. Dont forget to vote and comment xxx