The fifth time it happens—well, it's more like the fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and on and on, but Toni prefers when things are simple—is another few weeks later, during Christmas break. Martha and her mother take a two-day trip to visit Martha's dad, who Toni has virtually no relationship with given Martha's parents' early divorce, so she stays behind and has the house to herself.
At school, she and Shelby still act like they hate each other—or maybe they really do, Toni doesn't fucking know anymore and with basketball season finally in full swing she can't be bothered to focus too much on anything else.
But when Shelby comes over to visit Martha and it's just the three of them, sometimes she and Shelby sit in the same room together for hours, and though they don't speak to each other a lot, they don't really argue, either. Toni's wary of how perceptive Martha might be and barely looks at Shelby when they're all together, but it's different somehow, even if it's not by much. She isn't sure how to feel about that, because it's not like she and Shelby have had some big come-to-Jesus moment and talked out all their problems; they're just kind of fucking occasionally.
She gets a text from an unfamiliar number early in the morning on the day before Martha and her mom are due to return. It says: "Martha says she's away with her mom?"
Toni stares at the message sleepily and tries to figure out who it's from. Martha has a few friends Toni doesn't really talk to. "Yeah," she replies, too eager to go back to sleep to bother asking who she's texting.
Then her phone starts ringing, and it's the same number. She groans and eyes it, considering letting it go to voicemail, then sighs and answers it just to get whoever it is out of her hair. "What?" she answers flatly by way of greeting.
Shelby's voice is on the other end. She sounds out of breath. "Sorry, I'm on my mornin' run. Forgot not everyone gets up this early."
"Jesus, Shelby," Toni mumbles, burying her face in her pillow. "Why the fuck are you calling me?"
"My daddy reads my texts even if I delete them," Shelby explains.
"That's fucked," Toni tells her, but she still isn't sure why it's relevant unless Shelby has something inappropriate she wants to say, which she literally never does, not even curse words, not even when Toni's deep inside of her trying to coax them out.
"I guess. It's always been that way." Shelby's still breathing hard and Toni can distantly hear her feet hitting the pavement. They both seem to be waiting for the other to say something, and Toni's just about to bite out that Shelby called her when Shelby asks, "Are you doin' anythin' today?"
It's a bizarre question, coming from Shelby, and Toni is very confused. "Shooting hoops with Rachel."
"After that?" Shelby presses, and Toni gives a heavy sigh and pulls the comforter over her head.
"What do you want, Shelby?"
Shelby takes a moment to answer again, but when she does, Toni's sleep-addled brain finally gets it. "To come over. Is one o'clock okay?"
"Yeah, but just say that next time instead of trying to have a fucking conversation with me," Toni complains, already halfway to hanging up. "You're so fucking shy about it." She ends the call and rolls over to go back to sleep.
She showers after she gets back from unmandated practice with Rachel, who by her own admission joined the team to boost her college applications. Normally that kind of thing disgusts Toni, given her own love for the game, but Rachel's really athletic and really fucking good, actually, and she also kind of hates everyone in the same way that Toni does, so they've become fairly close for teammates in the past month. Not enough to like, actually bond or anything, but Toni doesn't feel like blowing her brains out when it's just her and Rachel, and that's kind of nice.
Shelby shows up right when she said she would and Toni's already prepared to pull her inside and press her against the nearest wall when she opens the door, but Shelby's holding what looks like takeout and Toni just winds up staring at her instead, wondering what the fuck she's doing.
"Are you hungry?" Shelby asks her, and Toni realizes she hasn't eaten today. It's weirdly thoughtful of Shelby, Toni lets herself think, but she doesn't want to linger on it.
She scarfs the food down mostly to avoid making conversation with Shelby, who she still doesn't really like very much even if she sort of understands her a little better now, because the praying and the refusal to curse and the whole goody-two-shoes routine all seem to be genuine so far, secret attraction to girls aside. Their whatever-it-is, which might be the only thing she likes about Shelby, seems to be a slight detour from the path that is Shelby's personality rather than an indicator of some whole other secret road to someone Toni might actually get along with.
Shelby doesn't offer much in the way of conversation either, thankfully, and Toni finishes eating first and then sits back and watches her. They're on the living room floor together with the television off, and there's not much else to distract herself with. Shelby slurps the last bit of a noodle into her mouth and it swings around a little and sauce splashes off of it, leaving a spot on her cheek. "That's so hot," Toni snarks, and Shelby looks around for the napkins and doesn't meet her eyes. "So, are you gonna admit that you came here to get laid or nah?"
Shelby colors behind the napkin she's using to wipe at her cheek and stutters, "That's—I thought you shouldn't be alone on Christmas—"
"It's the 21st," Toni deadpans. "Also, we can't stand each other, so you definitely didn't come here to fucking hang out and talk out of holiday pity, Shelby."
"I brought food, for eating," Shelby tries half-heartedly, and Toni laughs genuinely at that, hoping Shelby meant it to be as funny and pathetic as it sounded and that she's laughing with her instead of at her. Shelby purses her lips to suppress a smile and Toni feels relieved.
"Can't you just say it?" Toni asks.
"I don't know how to talk about that stuff," Shelby admits. "It's not—I was taught it's not very ladylike. Not that I should be with anyone other than my husband, anyway, but obviously that ship sailed a few months ago."
Toni stares hard at her, an uncomfortable flutter in her stomach, because that timeline checks out with Fatin's party. "Because of Andrew?" she asks hopefully, and Shelby suddenly looks somewhere between a deer caught in headlights and a prisoner being interrogated.
"We don't have to talk about that," she mumbles, and Toni sits up straighter and looks Shelby up and down, really studying her.
"The party wasn't your first time having sex," she insists, more to herself than to Shelby. Shelby won't look at her. "Shelby. Was it?"
"Does it really matter?"
"Yes, it fucking matters. It really fucking matters, Shelby." She pauses, her stomach dropping, when Shelby still refuses to deny it. "Who else have you slept with?" she asks, shifting the goalposts, and again Shelby doesn't respond, just looks at her and then looks away.
In hindsight, Toni would later think, this shit was probably a huge fucking neon sign that everything was going to wind up fucked up one way or another.
She looks at the food anew, taken aback, and asks, "Okay, Shelby, what the fuck is this?"
"Would you relax?" Shelby finally bites out, and Toni listens for once. "Nothin's changed. I'm just only doin' this with you. There's nothin' wrong with that, Toni." Toni opens her mouth to argue but Shelby goes on anyway, "Do you want me to tell you you're not special? Would that help? You already know too much, so can you just shut up and stop pushing? You already know how I feel."
"About Becca," Toni clarifies, just to check, and Shelby swallows hard and goes noticeably silent again, visibly uncomfortable. "Okay." Toni tries to make herself relax, but it's different, knowing that she's taken Shelby's virginity in what was ultimately a really fucked up way and that everything they've done together is also everything Shelby's ever done.
"I'm here because," Shelby starts suddenly, and it takes Toni a moment to realize she's trying to do what Toni asked, that her cheeks are pink now not because of Becca but because of Toni, "...because you're." She pauses, lets out a breath. "Good at things, and I like that you're good at them."
It's a pretty pathetic attempt, Toni thinks, but maybe not half bad for Shelby.
"Why do you keep sayin' yes?" Shelby asks her suddenly, and Toni blinks at her and tries her best to act like she hasn't been asking herself that question since the second time, especially given that she hasn't even gotten off once with Shelby, and in fact has actively prevented it on more than one occasion.
"I like watching you come," she finally says, unsure if it's the reason—maybe it is, and this is all really that simple—but it's definitely a reason—and it certainly gets Shelby to shut up and stop asking questions. Toni watches her turn red with the calmness of watching paint dry and suddenly Shelby seems interested in browsing the food laid out in front of them again. "Not happening, Shelby," Toni warns her, done fucking around, and then she's sweeping the paper boxes and Tupperware aside and practically mounting her on the living room floor, and Shelby, as always, seems content to just go along for the ride.
Toni should probably feel bad that they kind of have sex all over the house, but she doesn't. They start out on the floor, where Toni takes pity on Shelby and tries to teach her what to say to girls during sex, but it all just makes Shelby blush and she can't bring herself to repeat any of it, though she comes pretty hard to descriptions of how wet she is and how much Toni loves touching her and Toni files that information away for the future, then mentally berates herself for being so sure they're going to do this again sometime.
Shelby has carpet burn after that and so they make out for a while in the shower and then Toni goes down on her for a couple of minutes but doesn't finish it, so Shelby's still trembling a little by the time they're back in the kitchen and Toni's raiding the fridge for chocolate syrup. She's long since decided that this day may have been Shelby's idea but it was still a really fucking good one and she's going to make it as memorable as possible, so she puts a towel out on the kitchen floor and makes Shelby lay down on it, and they both kind of laugh their way through Toni licking chocolate off of Shelby's stomach and ribcage. It's less funny when Toni puts some on her chest and her inner thighs, and they have sex on the kitchen floor, too, and then once on the couch and again during another shower, and finally three more times in Toni's bed, and it's Shelby every time, arching her back and shamelessly moaning out Toni's name instead of Becca's, clearly worn out but keeping up with a determination that reminds Toni of some of her favorite times with Regan. Toni gets the sense that Shelby had known what she was signing up for when she invited herself over for the full day, and part of her is flattered by the high expectations.
Shelby kisses her hard after the third time in her bed and Toni feels her hand sliding over Toni's abs, between where Toni's clothed in a sports bra and underwear, and she isn't sure what to make of Shelby then; it's physically impossible that she isn't exhausted and it's been dark for a while now. She should really be getting home, and instead she's pushing for more in a way that seems to indicate she really means it.
Toni isn't sure what to make of herself, either; she's pretty sure she wants Shelby to touch her, because who wouldn't in this state, but this whole thing between them started out as a weird power play and the idea of falling apart beneath Shelby's hands and mouth feels alien to her, like something she'd only witness herself do as part of an out-of-body experience. Shelby Goodkind fucked Toni Shalifoe sounds horribly wrong to her, like it's against the nature of things, like Shelby having any sort of hold over her would be unnatural and she'd be weak for giving in and letting it happen.
She places her hand over Shelby's to stop it and Shelby pulls away from her mouth with an abruptness that startles her, her voice sharp and firm. "Toni," she huffs, and she actually sounds a little angry.
"I'll just masturbate later," Toni suggests, and God, she would, so much, to all of it, just like she has to memories of everything else they've done, but this time Shelby isn't having any of it.
Toni visibly sees her change tactics; Shelby kisses her neck instead, slow and teasing—she really has been learning quickly, Toni realizes—and while Toni's trying not to react Shelby kisses up to her ear and mumbles, "I wanna feel what I did to you today," and fuck, it shoots through Toni like lightning and goes straight to where she's so ready, and Shelby's clearly trying so hard and doing so well. It almost physically hurts to turn her down.
She swallows hard and tries to throw her a bone, turning onto her side and pulling Shelby's thigh between her own, then rolling her hips into Shelby's, letting her feel everything against her thigh with only the material of her underwear between them. Shelby rocks back into her and buries her face in Toni's neck. "Feel it?" Toni asks her, breathing hard with the effort of not grinding her hips against Shelby again, and she feels Shelby nod against her and then lips brushing across her neck.
"Can I touch you?" Shelby whispers, and when Toni doesn't answer right away, Shelby's hand slides around to her back and pulls her closer, and Toni feels Shelby's teeth scrape the shell of her ear. It almost makes her shudder. "Please. I want you to feel good." Shit, there's something about that one that hits Toni right in the chest and between her thighs all at once, and she lets herself fantasize about at least fucking Shelby while she grinds on her thigh, like maybe it might be an acceptable compromise, but then Shelby adds, "You can trust me, Toni," and Toni realizes Shelby's solved it before she could solve it herself.
She doesn't trust Shelby for a damn thing other than to keep this all a secret for her own sake. She doesn't even trust her to not scowl at her the next time they see each other, because however casual this is, even basic acknowledgement of it dies the instant they're back in public, where Shelby's beholden to her father and her peers and her pageant judges and the FCA and whoever the fuck else—all the other people Toni can't name because to be fair she still doesn't really know all that much about Shelby beyond the basics that had made them enemies in the first place and what she likes in bed.
It's not that sex has to be meaningful for her to want it, because it absolutely doesn't; Fatin's always a welcome partner and Toni's never had more meaningless sex than that in her life, because even with Shelby at least there had been some kind of goal there the first time outside of having an orgasm, and with Regan it had been about feelings and orgasms, especially because Regan was her first. Still, there has to be some standard, Toni thinks, and drawing the line at expecting her sexual partners not to stand back and watch a bunch of her friends call Toni a sinner or a dyke seems like a fair bar to set. The idea of Shelby seeing her at her most vulnerable and then laughing at her for liking girls the next day makes her stomach turn. No, she does not trust Shelby not to do that to her at all, no matter what she might be claiming in bed.
It makes her so angry, even imagining it, because although she can't recall Shelby ever saying anything directly about Toni's sexuality and she's not stupid; Shelby likes girls and certainly doesn't judge Toni for it deep down, her standing by and doing nothing and even cracking a smile at Toni's misfortune if she thinks other people are watching is a very real and fairly frequent occurrence.
"Stop talking, Shelby," Toni orders, sitting up to look down at her, and Shelby looks disappointed but says nothing. Toni flattens her to the mattress, kisses her roughly, and fucks her hard and fast until she's calling out Toni's name like a prayer and clawing at her back—with her real nails now, her fakes for her pageants done away with, and Toni tries not to think too hard about that without feeling a little disheartened on Shelby's behalf, because God, she can tell Shelby really wants to be inside of her so badly, even if just to have the experience with another girl before her dad expects her to marry some boy from her church like Andrew.
They haven't talked details about Shelby's sexuality, but it's actually so fucking sad if she's a lesbian, Toni thinks, and it's also sad that Shelby has to hide anything about herself at all, whatever it may be—Toni can certainly have empathy for that even if they don't get along, she just wishes it didn't have to come with a thinly homophobic front to it. When Shelby's recovered enough to go again, Toni works her up much slower and when Shelby comes it's with Toni whispering to her that she's so fucking gorgeous, and it's probably the last time Toni's honest with her for a while, because her feelings about Shelby and her situation are very quickly becoming too complicated for her to want to sort through, especially when she's still got so many issues of her own to deal with.
Shelby confesses sometime later that she told her parents she was spending the night at Becca's and told Becca to cover for her because she'd be at Andrew's, and it sounds really fucking messy but it isn't like it's Toni's problem, so she just shrugs and doesn't ask Shelby to leave her bed; Martha and her mom won't be back until the early afternoon anyway.
Shelby falls asleep first and Toni goes for her fourth shower of the day; it takes thirty minutes and she works herself over four separate times before she feels even a little bit sated. She towel-dries her hair and pins it up before she slips back into bed, naked now, and Shelby shifts a bit but doesn't stir. Eventually, Toni falls asleep.
She wakes up the next morning cuddled up to Shelby, her arm thrown over Shelby's midsection and her face buried in Shelby's neck even though Shelby herself doesn't seem to have moved all night, which means that all of this is on Toni.
And in hindsight, if Shelby's whole secret virginity thing was a neon sign that it was all going to go horribly wrong eventually, then this shit, Toni imagines, may as well have been a fucking five-alarm fire.