A shill noise that sounded like it was emitted from a 1950's alarm clock woke Toni. When she opened her eyes it was pitch black outside. "What the hell was that?"
"My alarm clock" Shelby answered, sounding distressing alert for the morning.
Toni moaned and ducked her head under the covers once again, "Why can't you just use your phone like a normal person. You could wake to the sound of whale song if you wanted; a world of opportunity and you choose that?"
"It wakes me up properly. Isn't whale song used to put people to sleep?"
She was so tired. "Did we even go to sleep?"
There was a ruffling of sheets and Shelby's feet appeared in front of Toni's face. "Yep! For two hours."
That woke Toni up. She sat up. "You're saying it is 6 in the morning? Why? Why do you want to be awake right now?"
Toni was beyond disturbed. This was not a time of the morning that she ever wanted to see if she could help it.
"Go back to sleep if you want."
It was a good suggestion. And Toni tried. But for half an hour there was the shower in the ensuite, the clamouring of draws, the slamming of doors and then the hairdryer, which was the last straw. Toni rose with a frustrated groan slash yawn combination.
"Hey Shelby?" Toni called out, drawing the attention of the girl when there was a momentary silence from the hairdryer.
"Oh, sleeping beauty's risen. Good morning."
"Shelby it is literally 6:30 in the morning, I'm not sure that applies," Toni laughed to herself softly. "But I'll take the compliment."
Shelby's head swung around to face Toni. "What compliment?"
Toni just cocked an eyebrow in response and waited for the other girl to work it out herself.
"Oh!" Shelby laughed halfheartedly, "You're welcome I guess. You are beautifu- I mean, Your face is symmetrical- Like, your features..." She trailed off and rapidly changed the subject, "The shower is easy to work, don't use all of the hot water."
Toni chuckled as she stood and put on a Texan accent mocking Shelby, "But then how am I going to complete my 6 step beauty regime. You don't get facial symmetry from no work at all."
"Hilarious," Shelby deadpanned, but Toni could see her holding back a smile.
Toni considered asking Shelby for clothes but she had only changed into these at 2 in the morning so they were hardly dirty and no one other than Shelby would know that she had worn them overnight. She also highly doubted that Shelby would let another girl publicly wear her clothes. It was obviously a sensitive issue.
When Toni turned off the shower she heard voices coming from Shelby's bedroom. She dried herself off and listened for a moment to see what Shelby was going to say about the situation.
"-A bed on the floor? And who's in the shower?" That was definitely Shelby's dad.
Shelby stuttered slightly before answering, "I'm so sorry daddy," Daddy? Toni shuddered at the nickname. "-It's Becca. She got in a fight with her parents and needed somewhere to stay. She is super upset and doesn't want anyone to know-"
"Say no more," her dad interrupted, "take her out the back door, no one will bother her that way." Toni breathed a sigh of relief. "But Shelbs." That didn't sound good
"Yeah?"
"I don't like you hanging around with that girl. Between you and me, her parents confided in me about her being tempted by the homosexual lifestyle. Now I have spoken to her parents and I've agreed to help her but, as you know, this mindset can be somewhat transferrable. I've seen it happen before." There was a moment of silence and Toni wondered if he had left but then he carried on, "Just promise me you won't let yourself be tempted by such things. It is not the Lord's way."
Shelby responded immediately, "I promise." What the fuck? Toni felt like she was listening to an induction interview for a cult. No wonder Shelby has such messed up beliefs, her dad literally just implied that gayness was contagious.
Toni's mind instantly shot to the kiss. If that kiss had been something other than a drunken mistake, Shelby would be in a horrible position. Suddenly that was all Toni could think, What if it wasn't a stupid drunken thing? What if Shelby was actually not straight? There was no way right? But if she was... Despite having no confirmation of that thought, Toni couldn't help her heart breaking for the girl.
Never in her life had she wished someone was straight more than in that very moment.
There was a quiet knock on the door followed by, "Did you hear all of that?"
Toni quickly got changed and opened the bathroom door. "Yeah, I heard." She walked out of the bathroom and sat on Shelby's bed, looking up at the other girl she asked, "Are you sure that kiss meant nothing? Because... What your dad said, that's really fucked up."
Shelby's whole body tensed. "Toni, you are making something out of nothing. I'm sorry if I led you on, I know that kind of- that stuff means something to you but it means nothing to me."
"Really? Because I was thinking last night, surely if even the thought of being something more with a girl was off the table, you'd let a platonic friend sleep in your bed; It's not like, an intimate thing with someone you're not attracted to." Toni stood up again and walked up to Shelby, who looked furious with the line of questioning.
"I am not gay Toni. And honestly, you're doing exactly what my dad was talking about, trying to force your lifestyle onto me," Shelby said forcefully. "Even if I did allow myself to feel temptations, I would go and get it fixed."
Toni was speechless. The way Shelby was looking at her, the sick twisting feeling in her stomach, Mr Goodkinds words; all of it was telling her that the way she lived was disgusting.
She couldn't help but believe it.
The shook the thought out of her head as quickly as they came in. She gathered the coat and hat she had loaned Shelby the previous night and opened the window. "I'm gonna go, God forbid I tempt you." She started to climb out of the window.
"Toni, that's not what I meant!"
"Don't bother." Toni looked over her shoulder. "I know exactly what kind of person you are. I don't know how I let myself think you were better than that. I'll text my notes for the assignment."
She didn't wait for Shelby to respond before shutting the window behind her.
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Toni was elated to finally see someone that didn't hate her on some level. "Marty!" She called out, running towards the girl in the school parking lot.
"I feel like I haven't seen you in ages!" Martha exclaimed, wrapping Toni up in a hug.
"You literally saw me yesterday."
"Oh the fight. How did Regan take it, someone recorded it so I saw the whole thing. Who knew huh?" Martha pulled away from the hug and the second she saw Toni's face her eyes widened in horror. "Toni, what happened to your face?"
Shit, She had been in such a rush to leave Shelby's that she had forgotten to cover up the cuts with makeup. "It's nothing, Regan broke up with me after school so I walked home but face-planted because of the ice." Toni chuckled half-heartedly, "So all up a pretty embarrassing sequence of events."
Martha didn't seem fully convinced but dropped the topic. "Aw Toni, but you two seemed so good. Why did she dump you?"
Weighing out her options, considering she was lying about so much, she decided to tell Martha the truth. "She thinks I'm like- you're not gonna believe this - in love with Shelby?"
"I thought you hated Shelby... Honestly with the whole homophobia thing- Are you?" Martha cut to the chase.
She definitely felt something for Shelby. It wasn't hatred but it also wasn't love; that would be insane. She would probably call it more of a fascination? Either way. Whatever it was, it's over now if their last argument was anything to go by.
"No, of course I'm not in love with Shelby, she's s-" Straight, She was going to say, but stopped herself; it hadn't gone over that well last time. Why was that the only argument she could think of in her defence? She thought back to their fight mere moments before. "She's a high-strung homophobic bigot that needs to just chill the fuck out."
"Because your-" Martha raised an eyebrow and continued, "-so mellow?"
"That is not the same thing," Toni laughed walking towards her first class. "People expect it from me. She's just stressful and confusing to be around."
Martha laughed but grabbed Toni's arm before she could disappear through the door of her 1st period math class. "Are you okay? With everything that happened yesterday? Like, with Regan?"
Toni didn't really know how to respond to that. She was not okay, but Regan was really only a small part of the problem. She had never really let herself get too invested because, given her life, it was doomed to fail. "It was inevitable. Don't worry about it, we weren't in love or anything."
"Of course not, you're in love with Shelby Goodkind remember?"
Shushing Martha loudly but unable to keep the smile off her face, Toni went through the door.
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Martha dropped Toni off at home.
Shelby did not say a word to Toni in science class and that was perfect for her.
Without Regan taking up her lunch times, Toni sat with her friends and caught up on all of their lives. Apparently Leah had dumped the guy she was seeing and according to Nora, had eyes for Fatin. Toni wouldn't believe it coming from anyone else but Nora was usually pretty spot on with these things. Dot's dad was stable and the nurse, Mateo, had been staying longer than required and picking up extra shifts which gave Dot a lot of free time. For everyone else it was business as usual.
She was on a bit of a high when she arrived home, having almost let herself forget all of the bad things happening in her life. But when she arrived in front of the door, the dread came flooding back in for the conversation she was going to have to have with Carol now. Or, at least. hopefully it would be a conversation.
"Carol?" She said timidly, opening the door.
"In the lounge. I need to talk to you." She sounded fine. She didn't even sound drunk. Maybe it would be okay.
Her bag thudded to the floor and she hung up her coat. The television was muted when she walked into the lounge which was also highly unusual.
Carol patted the sofa beside her indicating for Toni to sit down next to her. Toni tried not to show how terrified she was as she perched herself on the edge of the sofa, far enough away from Carol as possible. "So," Carol started, her voice a bit gruff, "I may have overreacted yesterday, but disrespect me and physically assault me like that again, you're out."
Toni nodded and waited for Carol to continue. "That's it. Go," Carol snapped, waving her hand as though attempting to swat a fly.
Just as Toni got up and rushed to her room Carol yelled, "Also, I paid that microscope from your temper tantrum in class the other week. Cost me a bomb."
Toni just muttered thanks and skulked to her room. Panic fluttered in her chest. If it was anyone else, or any other situation, Toni would be elated for someone paying an expense for her. But for Carol? No. This meant that Toni owed her now.
Toni collapsed to the floor crying. What more could Carol possibly want from her? She didn't have anything left to give.