"Everyone heals in their own time and in their own way. The path isn't always a straight line, and you don't need to go it alone." - Zeke Thomas
Chapter 35
Tulala ako kay Fifth habang ginagamot niya ang iilang sugat na nakuha ko nang bumagsak kami kanina. Ang mga luha ko ay natuyo na sa aking pisngi. I feel so exhausted. Sobrang haba ng araw na ito.
"It's done, you should rest now.." he murmured.
Tumango ako ngunit hindi naman gumalaw. Nanatili rin siyang nakaluhod sa paanan ko at nanonood sa akin.
"What will happen now, Fifth?"
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at marahang pinisil, "Ryan and Alorica are now both in the custody of the police. We will begin with the hearing immediately. They will be given their own attorneys."
Tumango ako, "Makukulong sila kung ganoon.."
He nodded slowly, "I will make sure of that."
Pagod ko siyang tinignan, "Can we.. can we just.." Hindi ko mabuo ang gusto kong sabihin. For me, letting them away will sound fair. But I know it's different in the eyes of the law, and I know he won't let me.
Napatunayan ko iyon nang nagdilim ang kaniyang mga mata na tila nahulaan na ang gusto kong mangyari.
"Don't try to let them get away from this Reese, hindi ako papayag.."
Tumango ako at yumuko sa kamay niyang nakahawak sa akin. "I'm just guilty.."
I can remember the pain in Alorica's face, I can remember everything that she told me. I can feel where she's coming from and even when I hated her for years, I still can't do this to her because to me, despite everything that happened, she's still my sister.
Nangilid ang aking mga luha at agad ko iyong pinunasan gamit ang isa kong kamay.
"Why should you be guilty? It's you who they treated badly, it's you who they abused."
Umiling ako, "It's only fair for what I did to their family."
I heard him sigh. Hinuli niya na rin ngayon ang isa kong kamay. "Look at me.."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko bago siya tinignan. I saw the blazing fire of determination in his eyes, salungat sa kawalan ng pag-asa sa aking mga mata.
"Your parents' fault is not your fault. Stop taking all the blame, for being born as their daughter, for ruining a family. Because you never wished for it."
"Anong gagawin ko?" Iyak ko. "Alorica is Papa's precious daughter. Look what happened to him.."
I know he's right, I shouldn't blame myself. But it's what my heart feels.
"Anong mangyayari kay Papa kapag nalaman niyang nakakulong si Alorica, Fifth?"
His jaw clenched, "So you are willing to just let them go? Just because of your guilt?"
Hindi ako nakasagot.
"Baby.." he sounds so helpless. "Do you remember how much you struggled because of what they've done to you? Do you remember crying yourself to sleep every fucking night? Do you remember wanting to die on that Christmas eve because you were so lonely? Do you remember the fear that you kept on running from?"
Ang tahimik kong pag-iyak ay nauwi sa paghagulgol. I saw the pain and anger in his eyes and I remember how it looked on me back then.
"Kung nakalimutan mo na ang lahat ng iyon, ako hindi ko makakalimutan 'yon Reese." His eyes are bloodshot. Nangingilid ang kaniyang mga luha.
"I won't ever forget how cold your hands were on that Christmas Eve. I won't ever forget the pain I saw in your eyes. I won't ever forget the fear and helplessness I saw in you, when you begged me not to leave you. I won't ever forget how these people tried to hurt and abuse you." Umiling siya, tila kayhirap para sa kaniya ang mga sinabi. "Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang lahat Reese, paano ko makakalimutan ang mga 'yon?"
"Yes, I can remember them all clearly. Pero tapos na ang mga iyon at kung kaya kong magpatawad ngayon, bakit hindi diba? Fifth pagod na pagod na ako, gusto ko nalang matapos ang lahat ng ito.." I tried to get away from him, pero sinikop niya ang dalawang kamay ko at pilit akong niyakap.
"Pagod na pagod na ako.." Iyak ko.
"No.. kung pagod kana, ako ang lalaban para sayo."
Umiling ako, "You don't understand me.. kung makukulong si Alorica, lalo akong magdurusa. Papa will get hurt and it's gonna double my pain. Kaya handa akong magpatawad Fifth, kaya ko silang patawarin!"
Still, he shook his head. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap nito sa akin. "Ako, hindi ko kayang magpatawad Reese, kung tungkol sayo hindi ko kayang magpatawad.."
Hindi ako nagsalita.
"Please.. you're just guilty.. don't decide now. Ang tagal mong hinintay ang hustisyang ito.. ginawa ko ang lahat para sa hustisyang ito.. hindi ako makapapayag na hindi mo 'to makukuha.."
Still, I didn't answer. Dahil hindi ko alam kung dahil lang ba sa nararamdaman ko ngayon kaya ganito ang gusto kong mangyari o ito na talaga ang desisyon ko. I know he did everything to serve me the justice I deserve but if that justice will only make me live in guilt for the rest of my life, what's the purpose of having it?
"Please baby.. magpahinga ka muna.." Marahan nitong hinaplos ang aking buhok. "Rest and decide tomorrow. And I promise you.. anuman ang maging desisyon mo.. rerespetuhin ko.."
Tumango ako.
Isiniksik ko ang mukha ko sa kaniyang dibdib at dinama ang marahang paghaplos niya sa aking buhok.
Indeed, he's my savior, my knight in shining armor. Ang taong gagawin ang lahat para sa akin, ang taong tatanggapin ang lahat ng imperpekto sa akin, ang taong mamahalin ako sa lahat ng oras, ang taong pipiliin ako ng paulit-ulit.
Siguro nga ay siya na ang kapalit ng lahat ng paghihirap ko.
Nakatulugan ko nalang ang mga haplos niya sa aking buhok at ang init ng kaniyang yakap.
I woke up the next day with a lighter feeling. Hindi na ako nagulat nang nakita si Fifth na natutulog sa tabi ng kama ko, hawak ang kamay ko na tila ba kahit sa panaginip ay hindi niya ako bibitawan.
Tumagilid ako upang makita ang kaniyang mukha. He's sleeping soundly and I've never seen him like this. Kahit tulog ay hindi maipagkakaila ang kaniyang tikas at tapang, like he's always in a war, he doesn't just lay down his guard even when he's sleeping.
I smiled a bit when his eyebrows furrowed. Dinama ko ang mga iyon gamit ang aking daliri.
He always looked ruthless and arrogant, a combination that makes you fear him, that makes you curious but scared at the same time. He's like someone you can't touch, someone you can only look at.
Kaya lagi ko siyang ikinukumpara sa mga anghel na nahulog mula sa langit, pakiramdam ko isa siya sa mga iyon, pakiramdam ko itinapon siya dito dahil masyado siyang arogante para sa isang anghel.
My idea of angels are those of with soft and angelic features, those who radiates brightness, those who can make people smile just by seeing them. And Fifth is the exact opposite of angels in my mind, the only thing I think that is soft in him is his lips, and his heart. He doesn't have that angelic features, he has more than that, that it makes him too hard for an angel. And you don't smile when you see him, you open your mouth in awe, you question your own eyes, is he human?
To me, a man like him is only made for a perfect woman, making them a pair that people will look up to. In my point of view, that is how life is, an almost perfect man deserves an almost perfect woman. There's no place for people with a lot of imperfections like me.
But he came to my life and made me understand that there's no such thing as meant to be. A man is made for himself and not for a woman, just like how a woman is made for herself and not for a man. You both can live alone just by yourself, but life is worth living with someone. The point is, you decide if you need someone, if you want someone in your life, it's not just because it's what it's supposed to be. It's not because the society says a man needs a woman or vice versa, but because you decide you need each other in order to live.
Unti-unti siyang nagmulat ng mga mata at nang natagpuan ako ay agad siyang naupo.
Ngumiti ako, "Good morning."
"Good morning,"
I can't believe he looks ten times better when he just woke up.
Pinagmasdan ko ang naniningkit niya pang mga mata, ang magulo niyang buhok, ang lukot niyang t-shirt. He looks so good.
"Kanina ka pa ba gising?"
Umiling ako, "Just a few minutes earlier."
He nodded, pinisil niya ang kamay ko. "How are you feeling?"
Huminga ako ng malalim at nabalik na sa reyalidad. Right, I have problems to face today, at hindi ko alam paano sisimulan ang araw na ito.
"I want to see Papa.." Because maybe forgiving each other first thing today will make me feel better and stronger.
Tumango siya at sumulyap sa kaniyang relo. "I will call them to advice that you're coming. Mag-breakfast muna tayo.."
"Maliligo muna ako.." sabi ko nang medyo na-conscious nang nakita kong bagong damit na ang suot niya habang suot ko pa rin ang damit ko mula pa kahapon nang nagtungo sa studio.
"Alright, I will prepare breakfast.."
Naligo ako at nagbihis ng isang light brown puff sleave ruched detail dress. Pinatuyo ko lang ang buhok ko at hinayaan nang nakalugay. It's gonna be a long day again I'm sure, so I want to look natural.
Nang natapos ay naabutan ko na ang nakahandang almusal sa dining. Si Fifth ay nagkakape at bagong ligo na rin. Compared to me, he looks more formal on his white buttondown longsleeves polo that's folded to his forearm, and a black slacks. Nagtagal tuloy ang titig ko sa kaniya, iniisip na baka may trabaho siya ngayong araw.
Lumapit siya at ipinaghila ako ng upuan. Napakurap ako.
"May iba ka pa bang gagawin ngayong araw?" Tanong ko nang nakitang pinapanood niya ako ng mabuti.
"Ikaw, kung anong gagawin mo, sasamahan kita, kahit saan.." Marahan nitong sinabi.
I nodded. Ibinaba ko ang mga mata sa pagkain at inabala na ang sarili doon.
Even when I want to focus on my problems for now, I still can't deny my attraction towards him. Nadagdagan pa iyon dahil sa mga ginagawa niya para sa akin. Every small detail of the things he do, tumatatak iyon sa isip ko, it becomes nostalgia.
"Can you please text Coleen and tell her you're alright? She won't stop bugging me.." he said while putting food on my plate.
Kumunot ang noo ko. Naalala ko ang tawag niya kahapon, she's aware of what's happening and she even warned me.
"How did she know what happened to my father last night?" I asked curiously.
I haven't watched the news, baka ang pamilya ko na ang laman ng balita? O ang rape case?
Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko kung sakaling kumalat sa publiko na isa akong rape victim. Pero naisip ko, anong nakakahiya doon? Ako ang biktima at bakit ako pa ang mahihiya? I realized if I want to empower victims like me, nothing should make me ever feel scared or less of a woman I am today.
"I brought Alorica to my condo yesterday for a confrontation, I had it recorded using my phone. Biglang dumating si Coleen sa condo, she was angry, she was asking me what did I do to you the last time we saw each other because you don't want to accompany her to her driving lessons anymore. She got furious after seeing that Alorica's with me.."
The last time we saw each other was at Coleen's driving lessons and yes we argued a bit that day, and it was the mere reason why I avoided Coleen for a few days. Hindi ko alam na maiisip niya pa iyon at lalong hindi ko expect na kukumprontahin niya ang kuya niya tungkol sa bagay na iyon.
"W-What happened?"
"She triggered Alorica until she spilled her doings. She didn't know I was recording. After that, she left. Coleen tried to go after her but I stopped her and told her about my plan. She calmed down a bit but she wants to run after her. I told her to stay at home and I will look for you."
Napatango ako. Is that why he was desperately asking Dylan about me?
"I sent the record to the police to issue a warrant of arrest while I tried to find you to protect you just in case Alorica has plans to attack you."
"H-How did you know I was at the studio?" Pakiramdam ko ay alam ko na ang sagot pero gusto ko lang kumpirmahin at hindi niya ako binigo.
"Rivers called me.." He said matter of factly.
I sighed, I knew it. Rivers is loyal to his friend ofcourse. "You have ways to find me.."
He sighed too. "I will always try to find you. Hindi ako makakatulog kung hindi ko alam ang ginagawa mo sa bawat araw." He smiled at me sadly.
"Did you watch me too, while I was away?"
He nodded, "I hired a private investigator to follow you. But there are times that I go there to see you on my own.."
Alam ko na ito pero hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. I can't believe he went that far just to see me, and I wonder how he felt every time he sees me with Dylan, he must have seen too much for him to assume that we're living together.
The thought of him hurting alone while trying to love me from afar hurts me like hell.
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at tumitig na lamang sa aking pagkain. Habang nalalaman ko ang mga ginagawa niya para sa akin, lalo kong napapatunayan kung gaano katotoo ang nararamdaman niya.
"I'm sorry about your father.."
Nag-angat ako muli ng tingin sa kaniya.
"I didn't send him the audio though. Ryan found out I was investigating and he admitted on his own. Bago pa man dumating ang mga pulis sa mga Valdez ay alam na ng Papa mo ang totoo. The police's presence only confirmed it, resulting to his heart attack. Thankfully, he was brought to the hospital right away."
Napatango ako. Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil pakiramdam ko ay guminhawa kahit paano ang pakiramdam ko sa nalaman. Ryan admitted on his own, isinuko niya ang sarili niya kay Papa.
"Alorica was on the loose so I was desperate to find you. Gustong-gusto kitang itago sa condo dahil hindi pa nahahanap si Alorica at natatakot akong baka kung ano ang magawa niya sayo." He sighed, lumambot ang kaniyang ekspresyon. "But I couldn't say no when you said you want to be home. I just can't say no.." He looks so weak, I can't believe it.
"My men were just around the building, thinking that we'll catch Alorica once she tries to get in. But she was already inside the building before we came. She was waiting for you."
Kitang-kita ko ang pagsisisi sa kaniyang mga mata. It was just a small failure but he looks so disappointed.
"It's okay, you came at the right time, you were able to save us.." I tried to make him feel alright.
He shook his head, "You don't know how scared I was. If I was a bit late, I don't know what might have happened."
Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong sabihin para mapagaan ang loob niya. Bigong-bigo siya habang nakatingin sa akin at sinasabi iyon.
I smiled a bit to ease his tension, "I'm safe, Fifth, you were able to save me and that's what matters."
Nagtagal ang titig niya sa akin. I hate that I can see his frustration through his eyes, I hate that he feels this way, dahil kung tutuusin ay ginawa niya ang lahat para sa akin at wala siyang dapat na pagsisihan.
"At nabigla lang si Alorica sa mga nangyari, she was stressed because Papa was brought to the hospital. She might have ruined my life but I don't think she can harm me more than what she's done before. If she planned to kill me, I was out there all along Fifth, she would have done it."
He sighed, "She couldn't do it because I was with you for months. And I kept her busy when you left the country.."
Kumunot ang noo ko, "What do you mean?"
"I made it look to her that we're dating so she'd open up her activities to me, so that I'll know if she's planning for something suspicious. Because I think she has further plans to destroy you. I couldn't protect you because you don't want my help so I went to the root cause.."
Halos hindi ako makapaniwala sa narinig ko. He made Alorica assume that there's something between them so she'll be open about her activities, so he'll know if she's planning something again. Hindi ako makapaniwalang naisip niyang gawin iyon. Hindi ako makapaniwalang ginawa niya iyon para sa akin.
"Y-You did that?" I asked unbelievably.
He nodded slowly. His eyes show his sincerity. And all along I thought he dated my sister to get even because he thought I was with Dylan. Hindi ako makapaniwalang kinamuhian ko siya habang ginagawa niya ang lahat masiguro lamang na ligtas ako, kahit alam niyang wala nang kasiguraduhan na magkakabalikan pa kami.
"Why Fifth? Why do you have to do that.." Nangilid ang mga luha ko. I still can't believe it.
"Because I can't stand to just watch you. Kung ikaw ang nasa usapan, makikialam at makikialam ako. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan na sa akin ka pa rin, kahit walang kasiguraduhan na mamahalin mo ako, gagawin ko pa rin lahat para sayo.."
My tears started falling.
What did I do to deserve him? Bakit mahal na mahal niya ako? His love for me is unquestionable, his love for me is immeasurable, his love for me has no limitations. He can give everything without assurance, he just loves me so damn much.
Tumayo siya sa kinauupuan at dinaluhan na ako. He knelt down infront of me, hinawakan ang mga kamay ko at pinunasan ang mga luha ko.
"I'm sorry.." I cried.
"Why are you sorry?"
Umiling ako, "I judged you, I hated you for dating her and now you're telling all of these to me.. I can't believe.. I can't believe I hated you for only wanting to save me.."
"Hush.." He leaned so he can kiss me on my forehead. Hinawakan niya ang magkabila kong pisngi. "I didn't tell you that so you'll feel sorry, I told you that so you'll know, that I can do everything for you, that I will do everything even if it means I have to sin. I don't care if my love for you will bring me to hell someday. I am glad that I'm your devil."
Umiling ako, "I won't let you go to hell alone though.."
He chuckled. He kissed my forehead and pulled me for a hug.
Ilang minuto pa muna kaming nanatiling magkayakap bago kami nagpatuloy sa pag-aagahan. And he pulled his chair beside mine so he can be close to me.
He would watch my every move, maging ang pagnguya ko sa aking pagkain ay pinanood niya na parang may kwenta iyon sa buhay niya. He looks so drawn at me, hindi naman ako mangkukulam, ewan ko bakit nabaliw na yata siya sa akin.
He cleaned the kitchen after our breakfast habang bumalik naman ako sa kwarto ko para mag-toothbrush at mag-handa na sa pag-alis.
Like what is planned, una naming tinungo ang ospital kung nasaan si Papa.
Sa kotse palang ay hindi na ako mapakali, ilang beses akong nagpakawala ng buntong hininga, iniisip kung ano ang magiging sitwasyon kapag nagkita kami ni Papa, kung ano ang mangyayari.
Nilingon ko si Fifth nang naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa aking kamay habang nagdadrive.
"It's okay.. your father is longing for you.. he won't get mad.. he will understand you.."
Tumango ako at muling nagpakawala ng isang buntong-hininga. Hindi niya naman binitiwan ang kamay ko hanggang sa nakarating kami sa kwarto ni Papa.
Hindi ako halos makapaniwala nang nakita ko siya sa kaniyang kama. He looks so thin and stressed, malayo sa itsura niya noong huli naming pagkikita, nang umalis ako sa mansyon.
The dark circles under his eyes proved me that he's been ill. Halos hindi ako makahakbang palapit sa kaniya, halos hindi ako makapaniwalang siya iyon.
I saw Tita Trisha on the other side of the room and unlike before, she only looked at me with sadness, malayong-malayo sa nanlilisik niyang mga mata sa galit sa akin noon.
Binitiwan ni Fifth ang kamay ko at pinakawalan ako.
"Nicaseane.. anak.."
I swallowed so damn hard to stop myself from crying. Nangilid ang aking mga luha pero nilabanan ko iyon.
"Papa.." My lips trembled.
It's been a long time since I said that word. I didn't even imagine us both in a situation like this. Isinumpa ko sa sarili ko na kailanman ay hindi ko na siya gugustuhin pang makita. Isinumpa kong kahit sa araw na.. mamatay siya ay hinding-hindi niya ako muling makikita.
But I regret it all now. I regret that I hated him. I regret that I focused on my pain alone, without thinking about their own feelings, that it's just not me who's suffering. Na doble ang sakit at bigat na dinanas niya dahil dalawang pamilya ang minahal niya at ayaw niyang pakawalan.
I realized how hard it is for him too, na hindi porke siya ang nagkasala ay hindi siya nasasaktan. Na masakit din para sa isang ama na makagawa ng kasalanan sa kaniyang pamilya. Na nasasaktan din sila sa kabila ng kasalanang nagawa. Na kailangan din nila ng kapatawaran dahil tao lamang din sila at nagkakamali.
"Papa.." Lumapit ako nang tuluyan at niyakap siya. Ang mga luhang pinipigilan ko ay hindi ko na naitago pa.
"Anak.. patawarin mo ako.. hindi ko alam anak.. hindi ko alam.."
Umiling ako at yumakap ng mahigpit sa kaniya.
"Patawarin mo ako.."
"I'm sorry too.. Papa I'm so sorry.." Iyak ko.
"I didn't know your sister can do that to you, I swear to God I didn't know. And I know it's all my fault why she became like that and why you all suffered, it's all my fault, forgive me Nicaseane.."
Tumango ako, "I forgive you Papa, I forgive you.."
Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal kaming umiyak sa isa't-isa. At nang pareho kaming kumalma ay sobra-sobrang gaan ng aking dibdib. I realized I've been living with my hatred for years at ngayon ko lang iyon napakawalan.
Pinunasan ko ang aking mga luha nang nagbitiw kami. Lumapit si Tita Trisha at pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi ni Papa. I watched how she take care of my father. Kitang-kita ko sa kaniya ang pagmamahal para sa aking ama, na sa kabila ng lahat ng kasalanan ni Papa ay mahal na mahal niya pa rin ito.
Nag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin at nagtama ang aming mga mata.
"Tita.. I-I'm sorry too.."
She smiled sadly, "I should be the one apologizing Nicaseane.."
Malungkot din akong ngumiti sa kaniya. "I'm.." Sumulyap ako kay Fifth na nanonood lamang sa akin. He nodded when he realized what I'm thinking.
Yumuko ako at nagpatuloy, "I'm planning to forgive Alorica for what she's done, I don't want to sue her.."
Nag-angat ako ng tingin upang makita ang kanilang reaksyon. Tita Trisha's eyes glinted with tears, nakita kong ganoon din si Papa.
"Iuurong ko po ang kaso.."
"Nicaseane.."
My tears is falling helplessly. "Aaminin ko po na sobrang sakit ng dinanas ko, na nasira po ang buhay ko at nadungisan ang buong pagkatao ko pero.. mas matimbang po sa akin na kapatid ko si Alorica at ang gusto ko nalang po ay matahimik tayong lahat."
"Anak.." Si Papa.
I nodded and smiled at him with assurance.
"No Nicaseane, hindi ganoon ang gusto naming mangyari." Tita Trisha said. "We want your forgiveness and we also need our daughter to forgive herself."
Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ang mga kamay ko. "Forgiving is a process, it won't happen overnight, it won't happen in the next few days, it will happen slowly. What Alorica did is inhumane, and it's only right for her to pay for it so she will learn her lesson. Ayaw ko, bilang ina, na kunsintihin ang nagawa niya dahil kung anak kita, masakit para sa akin kung malalaman ko ang ginawa niya sayo. I learned my lesson before, that your pain is not a reason to cause other people's pain. Pinagsisihan ko ang nagawa ko kay Alorica at gusto kong pagsisihan niya rin ang nagawa niya sayo. That is the only way to learn."
"But.."
She smiled at me, "Don't let your guilt be the reason for you not to claim the justice you deserve. Let the law punish my daughter, let them pay for what they've done. And you.. free yourself from the guilt and from all the blame. Your mother's fault is not your fault Nicaseane."
"Tita.."
"I already forgave your mother and your father. So please forgive them too.."
Hindi na ako nakasagot at niyakap ko nalang siya.
"Thank you.. thank you Tita.."
Indeed, a mother's love is the purest kind of love you will ever find on Earth, it is the most soothing and the most comforting, irreplaceable and the most supreme love.
**
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