A/N: Discussion on mental illness and hints of suicidal ideations in this chapter. you've been warned.
"So.. we have to know. Who is your newest song aimed towards." The interviewer asked. I held my breath. Begging Billie not to name drop me.
"They know who they are." She said with a shrug.
"Can you give us some insight on the song?"
"Oh yeah." she chuckled bitterly. "Someone I trusted let me down. And I mean like.. really trusted with something super personal."
"I'm sorry to hear that.. so next question."
——
I watched the interview with tears in my eyes. "I wish you would just tell me what I did wrong..." I mumble to myself. I wiped away the tear drop and huffed. I guess I'll have to take this into my own hands. Since she refuses to talk to me.
You:
hey can I talk to you
Finn:
Yeah ofc, what's going on hun?
You:
Do you have any idea why billie is so mad at me...??
Finn:
Oh, I guess she told me a little bit. It wouldn't be right for me to say. She takes things harder than the average person. I think it's best you wait for her to come around.
You:
you think that'll happen?
Finn:
It always does. don't worry yourself too much.
You:
thank you, it means a lot to me that you're still my friend. i would hate to lose you, billie, and claudia all at once
Finn:
you didn't lose her y/nn, trust me. give her time.
So that's what I did. I buried myself into my work. I spent all my time with Kells and Pete. I did everything I could to not think about her. This went on for another two weeks. Until something in the news caught my eye.
BILLIE EILISH BREAKS DOWN AT CONCERTS WHILE PREFORMING HIT SONG "listen before i go"
caption: singer billie eilish cuddles into her brother Finneas O'connell for comfort after she has to pause performance to cry.
I skimmed the article. It wasn't much. The pictures are what I spent what felt like hours looking at. She looked so broken... What was going on with this girl... I wish she would let me talk to her. I huff. I guess I can get her attention the only way I know how to right now.
@Y/UN
liked by @machinegunkelly, @trevorproject, @girlinred, @PeteD, and 698,000 others.
@Y/UN: You know I'll always be here when you need me.
@Y/NHasMyHeart: This is so beautiful.
@IamHalsey: I've never heard a more perfect cover of Sign Of The Times.
@HarryStyles: This is incredible. Thank You.
I don't even know if she saw it. I hope she did. I did it for her. I wish I could understand what she could possibly be going through. I wish I could be there for her. I don't know for sure or not if she's hurting because of something I did, or if there's something deeper going on. I was pulled from my thoughts by a notification on my screen.
@BillieEilish has gone live on instagram
I debated for a solid three minutes if I should even click on it. I figured it couldn't hurt. She probably wouldn't even notice my name pop up when I join anyways. I don't even know if she follows me anymore.
fuck it. i click the notification. my heart broke at what i opened it to see.
"So i just wanted to come on here and talk to you all." her voice was raspy and she was sniffing, tears stained her cheeks.
"I know you all saw the pictures from my shows." she sighed, taking a moment to glance at the incoming comments of support and we love yous.
"I love you all so much so I think it's best I explain myself." I inhale deeply. Afraid of what's to come next.
"I have been struggling with depression since a young age. You all know that, I've talked about it, I've wrote songs about it. But it's not just depression." she takes a deep shaky breath.
"When I was 15, they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I go through a lot of ups and downs. I take things really hard."
oh. so that's what finneas met...
"I hurt people, i do impulsive things. I'm reckless." she continued. "I hurt someone who tried really hard to make things right with me. I feel like shit over it. I get angry and I do stupid shit bro like I don't even know why I do the shit I do. Then it catches up with me and I just break down." She starts to cry more.
My heart aches. I can't take this anymore. I was about to click off the video.
"i know you're watching. You know who you are. I'm sorry. I want to talk. I don't know if I can. I know I said harsh words to you. I don't expect you to forgive me. Just listen before I go" she ends the live quickly without hesitation.
I immediately jump out of my seat and grab my keys. I don't know what she meant by that, but I know how I took it. I didn't want to lose her before. I especially don't want to lose her to herself.
I texted her. I told her I was coming over. She didn't answer. I noticed her private story had a post on it from just before her live video. I clicked on it as I sprinted out the door
The caption read "i miss you, i'm sorry"
I drove faster than I could even process. I'm lucky I didn't get pulled over. I practically jumped out of my charger when I got there. I banged on the door. Minutes went by without an answer. "fuck billie come on open up please!" I begged, tears swelling in my eyes. After a few moments with no reply I tried the handle. It was unlocked. I slowly opened the door, no one was there. I immediately ran up to Bil's bedroom. I haven't been here since that night at the party, but I remember every detail. When I opened the door I could've cried at the sight.
She didn't look at me when I ran in. She stared blankly ahead of her. I ran over and pulled her into my arms. She didn't say a word and neither did I. The only noises that came from her were choked out sobs.
I ran my hands through her now blue hair. It looked beautiful. "Shh it's okay babygirl." I rocked her in my arms. Her whole body shook with cries.
"Y-you." She tried to talk.
"Calm down hun. We can talk but you need to breathe first." I cooed softly.
She took a deep shaky breathe as I wiped her tears away.
"I-I'm sorry" she sobbed harder as she spoke. "I-I overreacted. I always do that." Her words were broken and hard to understand through her cries, but I understood her.
"about what babygirl?" I stroked her hair back.
"i-i saw a text from a girl that morning, after we hooked up." she looked up at me finally. Her eyes were blood shot and tears continued to pour out of them.
"what?" I thought back to that morning. I do remember waking up to a text from an old fling. "Oh hun.." I cradled her cheek in my hand. "I haven't spoken to her in years. I don't even know how she got my number..."
"I-i thought you were seeing her while we had a thing going..." She said sadly, looking down at her hands. I wrapped mine into hers.
"Babygirl... I don't want anyone but you... It's been months and I waited for you... I didn't want anyone but you back then either. I texted her back that day and told her that I was involved with someone."
She looked up at me and sobbed harder. "A-and I fucked that up..."
"No... no bils you didn't. It's okay... you can't control how you process your emotions" I rubbed my thumb over her finger. "You don't have to answer this if you don't want to... but are you on any mood stabilizers?" she nodded her head, not looking up at me when she did. "Are they working?"
"y-yes... i just, haven't been taking them..." I huffed. "i'm sorry please don't be mad" more tears started to fall
"I'm not mad babygirl. Just...please don't skip out on things like that.."
"Y/n" she whispered softly.
"Yes bils?" I responded laying my head on the top of hers.
"Don't let me leave you again." she said breathlessly, having finally stopped crying, just trying to catch the air she couldn't before.
"Only if you promise not to leave me again." I chuckle. She returned a small sad chuckle in return.
"Promise."
I smile. "come on." I place my arms under her armpits and help her stand. She doesn't respond or even say anything when I carry her over to her bed and lay her down gently. "You should rest." I kiss her on the forehead and turn to leave, she grabbed my hand softly.
"stay." she whispered. I nodded, crawling into bed beside her. "Hold me.." she whispered sadly again. I listen, wrapping my arms around her waist and pulling her close to me. She buries her head into my neck and curls her legs up to fit them in the crook of my tucked body. Curled up into me with my hand gently playing with her hair.
She was fast asleep quickly. Her soft snores proved as much.
"I think I might be in love you with you." I whisper to her sleeping figure.
"me too" i heard her mumble into my neck.
A/N:
Ooooooo shit that's what up.
anyways before y'all start coming for me, i have bipolar 3 otherwise known as Cyclothymia. I wrote this character based on real issues and not stereotypes. Pinky i know what I'm talking about.
sorry again if it's ass. i never like my writings but you guys seem to be enjoying it so far.