When my parents arrive in the morning, I come clean about my encounter with Chloe last night and what she said.
"Oh, Leah," my dad breathes when I finish speaking. He strokes my now-unbandaged head, avoiding my scar as he does this.
"I'm glad that Chloe told you the truth. We didn't want to believe that it could be true, especially after Tanner swore nothing happened."
"And the story he told us matches hers, so it must be true," my mom adds.
"That's some good news, at least," I sniffle. "Has he come by the hospital again this morning?"
My mom nods her head and tells me that all three of them are back in the waiting room again.
"Can you ask Ben if he'll come to see me? I really need a friend to talk to right now."
"Of course," my dad says.
They go retrieve Ben for me and stay in the waiting room as Ben comes to see me alone.
When he walks in the room, a feeling of relief washes over me, and happy tears flow down my cheek as I finally have one of my friends with me.
He delicately kisses my cheek when he greets me and sits on the edge of my bed and holds my hand. I waste no time and tell him everything that has happened since I woke up, including the part about Chloe and how my parents confirmed her new version of events. He lightly squeezes my hand and sighs. "I can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now. I was pissed as hell myself after I found out that Tanner and Zara kept this from you."
"You were?"
"Yeah. And not only me. Toby told them they made a dumb-ass mistake, and you should have heard the yelling Jake gave Zara after they wheeled you in the hospital."
He shivers. "I've never seen Jake that mad before, and from the look of Zara's face, I don't think she had either."
My chest hurts when I hear this. Even though I'm still mad at them, hearing that they haven't been having an easy time doesn't sit right with me.
I gulp and ask the question I shouldn't even be wanting to ask. "How has he been?"
"Honestly, he's been a mess. It's been killing him that he hasn't been able to see you.
"He's been asking your parents for updates every time he sees them, hoping that you're doing better than the last time he spoke to them."
When he finishes speaking, Ben puts his hand behind him and pulls out something white from his back pocket. My eyes lower to the item he is holding onto tightly in his hands, and realize that it's an envelope. "What's with the envelope?"
"It's er, a letter from Tanner." He lifts the envelope higher and twirls it around in his hands. "It's for you. He asked me to make sure you got it."
My eyes widen when I hear this. I can tell he's getting desperate at reaching out to me after I declined to see him when I woke up yesterday. I wasn't ready to face the music at the time, so when my dad asked if I wanted to see my friends, I said no. Plus, waking up after recovering from being hit by a car sure takes it out of you, which gave me another good excuse to refuse seeing anyone.
"Did he say what's in it?" I ask hesitantly.
"No. He didn't say much. But I have a pretty good idea what's in it."
He chews on his bottom lip. "I think you should read it. You've only heard Shawn's side of the story.
"And well, Tanner may have been a complete idiot with the way he handled it, and that's putting it nicely, but he's told me his version of events, and it's not as bad as you may think."
Ben places the envelope in my hand and squeezes both of his hands gently over mine. I gulp as I stare down at it, feeling the full weight of his unread words.
I look up at my friend, torn about what to do with it. He can tell from my face that I'm unsure and gives me a warm embrace and whispers in my ear that I've got this. He then hops off the bed and exits the room, leaving me alone with Tanner's letter.
For the next ten minutes, I stare at the white envelope, tears flowing down my cheeks as I try to figure out what to do with it. If I read what Tanner has to say, there may be something in there that can help me forgive him. Yet, all his letter could do is break my heart even more.
Taking a deep breath, I ease myself slowly up the bed and turn the envelope upward, seeing my name scrawled neatly across the front. My thumb traces over Tanner's writing, knowing that at some point, this was in his possession. I get a small sense of comfort touching something that Tanner has. It's a small part of him that tells me he existed. Just like the black leather jacket he gave me the night after the first frat party where it still sits in my closet.
I flip the envelope back over and remove the paper and unfold it. My hands are shaking so much that I have to focus on calming myself so that I can see the words. Black ink fills the entire page in an elegant slanted script. I've never had a handwritten letter look so neat before. I'm scared to read Tanner's words, but I know I need to do this; otherwise, I may never get closure from this.
Leah,
Would you believe me if I told you I've held this pen to the paper for so long, thinking about how to put my thoughts into words that the sun has risen in the time I begin writing?
You're currently in the ICU because you're not able to breathe by yourself just yet. And it's killing me that I'm the reason you're in there.
The only solace I can selfishly get is the drip of information the doctors and nurses feed me every few hours. Waiting for them to tell me you're awake is pure torture. So to try and keep my mind from thinking about the absolute worst, I'm writing this letter to you. I'm not even sure if you'll have the chance to read it as you may tear it up the moment you know of its existence. I can't say I wouldn't blame you if you did.
Yet even with the possibility of you never reading this, you deserve an explanation why I never told you about Shawn and Abby. I'm afraid it's not even a good excuse.
It happened after the day my school played against yours for our hockey tournament. If you remember the game, then you know it got heated. I ended up in the penalty box after fighting with Shawn on the ice for a foul hit he made on my teammate. You were so angry with me and chucked your drink on me as soon as you spotted me at the party, so in retaliation, I went after one of your friends and openly made out with her just to piss you off even more. (Again, I'm sorry about that.)
Anyway, as the night went on, I went upstairs in search of the bathroom. But instead of finding it, I walked in on Shawn and Abby making out on the bed together. It took all my strength not to pull him off the bed and beat the living shit out of him. I may not have particularly liked you back then, especially that night, but I would never condone cheating. Never.
Now, I have no idea what Abby has said to you exactly about that night, but from what you said to me when you came to my house afterward, I got the impression that you think I saw them having sex. But I swear that I saw nothing like that happen. I left that room with the full intention of telling you. I went to every part of that fucking house trying to find you before he did. I didn't want him to get to you and somehow make you not believe me.
Unfortunately, Shawn found you first and had his tongue down your fucking throat. I saw red, Leah. All I could think about was him upstairs with that girl, so I walked right up to him and punched him in the face.
I blacked out at that point and only remember my friends pulling me off of him after. You ended up shouting at me, saying that I should have let what happened on the ice go. But that's just it, Leah. I didn't punch him because of what happened on the ice. I punched him for being unfaithful to you.
I should have said something then about what I had seen. To get you to understand why I did what I did, but with my temper being bad, I got even madder as we argued about everything that had happened that night. I was so furious that I left the party straight away, keeping what I saw to myself.
It will always be the biggest regret of my life. I never should have allowed that prick to get away with what he did and let him stay with you.
The day you told me what had really been going on between the two of them, I felt physically sick. I kept thinking that if only I had told you what I saw, you may have broken up with him and would not have to be going through this pain right now.
I wondered whether to tell you after you found out, and I tried, Leah. I want you to know that. When I tried to bring it up, you no longer wanted to talk about it.
The only reason Zara even knows about this is because I wanted to see if I should try to tell you again. And after a lot of back-and-forth discussion, she said it would be better for you if you didn't know my part in it because she didn't want to see you unhappy. So please don't be mad at Zara. She was only trying to look out for you.
And as for whatever Chloe told you about her and me, I want you to know that nothing ever happened. Like I said earlier, I would never cheat, especially on you. You probably don't even realize how much I love you.
That precious night we spent together at the beach house, do you remember what I said to you? My heart is yours, Leah. Only yours. And I meant every single word. I still do.
I know you're angry with my actions, and probably even hate me. Yet, I still pray for the day that I get to hold you again. I only hope that some part of you misses me too.
I am truly sorry for everything. For all the lies, and for all the hurt I have caused you. Given time, I hope you can forgive me.
You will always own my heart,
Tanner.
I wipe away the tears that keep on flowing as I hold on to Tanner's letter. There's so much new information that I didn't know before that I read it once more just so I have all the facts.
How did I not click that Tanner's punching Shawn in the past was because of all of this?
Until this moment, I believed Tanner attacked him that night because he was still hot-headed over what happened on the ice.
As I replay the memory over in my head now, I see it from a new perspective. No longer do I see Tanner acting irrational and unjustified, but acting protectively.
This leads on to my second thought. Tanner is right that I assumed he walked in on them having sex. When I read his words, I realize that Abby never explicitly said that he saw them having sex. All she said was that he saw them on the bed together. I had only jumped to that conclusion because she said she had sex with him while upstairs.
One of the hardest parts I found about Tanner's betrayal is thinking that he had witnessed something so intimate between the two of them. And even though I am still disappointed in Tanner for not telling me, a big part of me is relieved that he honestly didn't know how far they had taken things and that he said he tried to tell me after he found out the extent of their deceit.
So many new emotions flood over me as I see things in a different light. Yes, Tanner has fucked up in so many ways, yet am I not partly responsible for the way things panned out?
If I hadn't had told Tanner to let it go, maybe he would have told me. Though even if he had, would my reaction have been any different? I'm not entirely sure on that point, but I know one thing for sure. I am happy he is not lying about that part.
However, even with all this knowledge, I still can't make my mind up on what to do with it. I know my heart still aches for Tanner, and I miss him every day that I am not with him.
But am I able to look past everything that has gone on and find myself able to forgive him?
I guess the only way I can figure this out is if I talk to him myself.
So what do you guys think? Should Leah forgive Tanner & Zara? What do you want to happen next? 🤔🤔🤔
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