Sidharth
"The longer you wait for something
The more you appreciate it
When you get it
Because anything worth having
Is always worth the wait."
The last two days had been weird. My mood was constantly fluctuating. I'd be alone most of the day, only sitting beside the few people I talked to when being called for conversation or bored out of my wits. I lay awake before the song rung through the room, putting a smile on my face. The smallest of connections to her made me do just that. I get out of bed humming along to the song, walking straight over to the kitchen to fill my bottle of water. Taking a dragged sip I walk into the washroom, quickly freshening up before heading down to the garden letting the croaks of the crows fill my ears along with the song. I wondered if she was watching, or if they'd shown me specifically. The thought that she had the power of seeing me 24/7 even whilst constricted behind the 4 walls seemed unfair. I was made wait to even hear her voice and she being outside had the option to watch the entirety of my day through her screen. Pondering about the same further, I got rid of the unfair thought. She was definitely facing the social media worlds as well, right now for the both of us. I wipe away a soft bead of sweat from my forehead, looking up at the crows. The gym lay empty, making me ponder over if I should or shouldn't not wanting to be late for the weekend episode. It was seemingly starting earlier than usual, or what I was used to at least. The memory of lazing around while Shehnaaz got ready last year filled my mind. She'd complain about it almost every week, although she knew it'd make no change. If anything I'd seen her letting herself be more laid back and not rush into it.
After taking a quick walk across the grass, picking up my breath from the workout I pick up one of the stools from beside the table. I needed something to sit on whilst working out. Assuming it was strong enough to hold up the weight of both myself and the changing weights I pick up. I was proved wrong shortly, the side of the stool cracking the minute I started. I let out an internal laugh, looking around the area to see if anyone was outside. Gladly there wasn't. I kick the side back into place, stupidly sitting back on it before fixing it back up and placing it where I'd found it. I wasn't to sure it'd be there until someone else sat on it or not but I hoped it did, the sight would be funny. I walk back across the grass, stepping on to the little path looking at my reflection in the mirror. I sighed running a hand through my fairly dry hair. I'd let HK oil it once but I was used to having Shehnaaz do it for an hour or so at a time, without a mention. All while telling me stories or memories that perhaps calmed me more than how her hands brushed through my hair. I close my eyes, remembering all of that wasn't going to help. I thought back to the vanity, how she'd somewhat held back from crying and then burst the moment she stepped into a mere distance. She hadn't wanted to leave, I didn't want to let her either but sometimes desires can't be priority. Her warning of heading back to punjab had flooded my mind more than it should although I knew she wouldn't leave. Not with the "kasam". But I couldn't help feeling like she'd get fed up and do just that to get back at me. The task, how the episodes were edited or what exactly was shown, I knew nothing of but I knew that her favourite social media would keep her on her toes in a bad way. I throw my head back looking up into the sky,wanting her to have agreed and come her with me. I knew why she hadn't but I felt myself loosing control and will, the most unusual feeling I'd felt. It felt like I wasn't doing enough. Enough of what was a good question. The answer lay in the depths of my mind that only she'd understand. I groan moving back to the gym. Yet her void was impossible to fill. I was missing her mere presence. Thinking of what she'd currently do If she was here. Most probably she'd be enjoying breakfast or bugging me about not giving her complete attention. Or perhaps she'd watch. I'd be delighted with any of those. Any other than what I currently had. On the latter side however I also liked that she hadn't come. I wouldn't be able to hide being the clingier one on a 24/7 live stream. Nor would I be able to reason why I only wanted to share a bed with her without giving everything away. She'd probably blabber about something too, let out information and then bring the cutest of her sullen faces to apologize. Grunting I lift up the bar higher, securing it into place before grabbing weights.
I see everyone scattered around as I enter. Rubina seemed to be the only other person not ready. The obvious reason of not having most of her clothes. I dismiss the thought removing off to grab my own. I had yet to iron them. I pick the suit out of the bag, it was really light and simple. Unlike most of my last years darker hues. I pick up a simple white shirt to go under it, grabbing the shoes I needed. The lunch and dinner seems to have arrived, the boxes already sorted to the people. I let the conversation continue gesturing Gauhar to put mines away for now. I frown getting to the steam iron, I hadn't done this myself a lot, having almost no clue on what to do with no one to hold the clothes up. Figuring out a quick way, I put the clothes on the bed, stretching the wire to make it reach. I missed being treated like I was last year. That seemed more selective treatment than being a senior.
The weekend shoot goes good. A few laughs and a lot of being told off. I manage to stick through the same, having my food in portions during the breaks. I myself had almost reacted like the rest of the crew to the "shaadi" statement, having almost forgotten the Balika Vadhu episodes having reaired. My mind had gone back to Shehnaaz instantly. As if that wasn't already obvious enough. Salman sir had seen her on set that day, having kept it to himself and I, assured that he'd figured out we were more than what we'd been last year. I let the thought pass focusing back to what he was saying.
The next evening :
"Tu itna dead kyun hai?.. come out of that zone" Hina mumbled rubbing her hand against my outstretched leg as she moved away. I simply gave her a slight nod. They'd done exactly what I'd thought they would, making me wait longer for the calls by giving random excuses, the latest one being that she hadn't received the call. I doubted that was true but alas from all I knew it might as well just be. She may have been rightfully angry, disappointed perhaps... there was nothing I could assure myself with. I get up moving back to the smoking room, giving up on trying to refrain myself. My head was aching, the thought of how things were outside, especially for her, leaving me pondering my days away. There wasn't anyone in the house that could distract me from that either, the contestants were simply trying to all be people pleasers except Nikki. I liked her for at least holding her stance, playing for herself and succeeding as well. However I'd heard things being said inside itself, a few of them having thought that I was siding with her, I hoped there wasn't a havoc regarding the same outside though I was sure it wouldn't have been brushed off. Inhaling a dragged smoke I lean back into the chair, taking another, letting the flame finish it off. Rahul came outside a few minutes later, eyeing me from where he sat. I'd taken a seat on the sofa beside the pool, looking into the silent garden area. Our season was all in all so much more fun. The games and pranks we did hadn't been telecasted but there were definitely a few to remember. I smile at the thought, continuing to think on to the night I'd returned from the hospital. We'd sat outside for so much longer, having had an easy conversation if everything I'd seen. She'd seemed so elated that day, simply listening to whatever I had to say while her eyes darted all over the bandages and my seemingly sullen face. I sigh, coming back into the moment as Gauhar takes a seat upon the chair in between where I and Rahul sat. I shook my head as she passes me a concerned look, there was no way I could blurt out what I was feeling or even thinking for the most.
I stay seated awhile, answering questions Rahul put forward about the last season. The conversation however was quick to transition back to bb7 and the tasks that used to take place back then. I took the time to go back into my thoughts, wishing to be called into the confession room before the lights were put out. I hadn't been able to sleep at all for at least the last 2 days, constantly waking up to my thoughts even if I dozed off. Sighing I try to focus back into the house I was living in, analyzing what I'd thought the people would do in my own mind, missing being able to discuss it without being constantly intervened. I return to my bed watching as HK and Nikki slipped away, perhaps discussing something they wanted to keep between them two. I don't stop them or pass a comment like I would usually, instead I pull my covers over my legs, adjusting the three extra pillows I had against myself before laying back.
Later that night I lay in bed completely awake. I'd changed and ate my food far more quietly than any other day the last week. It was usually a fun affair, me teasing either one of the other 2 or the other way around but today they let me be. I was glad for the same, wanting nothing else more. Everyone seemed to have found the rest they'd been in search for except me and Eijaz who was currently setting something up in the kitchen. I turn the other way, letting my eyes close. They felt heavy, the lack of sleep definitely going to take a toll if I managed to stay up tonight as well. Digging my head back into the pillow I try to remind myself of her shoot, making it an excuse for not being able to talk. However it seemed to do the exact opposite. I let out a soft groan as my mind came up with more things to worry about. The shoot was far from home, safety precautions I wasn't too sure of and I wasn't too sure of how she was doing herself either. She'd tire herself with work if anything I did had disturbed her enough. Right then though, as if they'd read my mind, I was called to go to the confession room. I sprung out of bed, masking the smile under a firm frown. I saw a few people shift, thanking the fact that they hadn't cared enough to wake up. Eijaz and Shehzaad however did the opposite. Shehzaad seemingly woke up hearing the announcement and Eijaz looked over at me curiously continuing to stir whatever drink he'd made. I couldnt care less, ignoring the peering gazes I move down the hall, opening the doors hastily. I let out a soft mellowed breath sitting down in the confession room seat, watching the dark screen in front of me. It made me not so surprisingly desire a FaceTime call. The same guy as earlier stepped into the room, smiling down at me through the face shield he wore as he handed me the phone. "2 ghante ka time mila hai" he murmured stepping back, seemingly being told to stand by the door. I gaze up at him, wanting to talk in private. He seemed to understand, gesturing that he'd be behind the door he stood against. I smile, giving him a stiff nod.
"Hello?" I murmur hearing simple silence on the other side of the call. She hummed softly, the mellifluous sound enough to confirm it was her. "Baby..." I whisper, a soft murmur leaving my throat. She let out a breath, one she'd seemingly been holding the entire time. "Kaisa hai" she chimed, the small sob she'd stifled not going unnoticed. I look down at the floor, letting her voice seep into my ears. I'd missed it way too much. "Tu dekh nahi rahi?" I ask, leaning into the pillows they'd put against the chair. "Shoot pe hoon na bebu, thoda sa dekha. Kal se pehle tak poora din dekha maine. Aur tu so kyun nhi raha hai? Aise tabiyat kharab hogi na?" She said, composing herself evidently.
"Iske jawaab tujhe pta hai. Nahi aati neend yaha... woh chhod Maa kaisi hai? Dawayi aur sab pahunch gya tha na?" I counter, not wanting to talk about the place in all honesty. I wanted to know about her, about what was going on and if everything was fine.
S - "Maa perfect hai ek dum, unhone bola tha tujhe kehne k liye ki tension mat le aur bas poora mnn lga kr tasks kr. Aur gussa mat kr, tu already meet chuka hai, abhi tasks unke hai. Jo bhi jeete farak nhi prhna chahiye. Unhe smjha, strategies bna lekin khud mat ghus"
"Gusse wala teri taraf se hai ya Maa ki taraf se?" I ask smiling knowing the answer with how she'd gotten into the details. "Dono ki taraf se. Unhone bola ki gussa krne ko mnna krna aur maine add krdiya" she responded, sounding slightly in the jollier side. "I miss you" I confess, direct and unhindered, staring into the screen that now stated the time I had left. "I'm sorry agar kisi bhi cheez ne tujhe hurt kiya ho... mujhe pta hai ki tu stressed hai. I can hear it in your voice baby." I continue, letting out the rising feeling of something being wrong. She silenced, the smile I earlier imagined assumingly fading. "Woh..."
I hated the hesitation in her voice. It wordlessly confirmed my guess to have been right. "Shehnaaz.. we'll sort it out once I'm outside. Abhi please kuch mat krna-"
S - "Maine krdiya... sab kuch aur gandha krdiya maine. Main sachi mean nhi krti thi woh krna lekin ho gya"
"Relax baby.. kya hogya? Kya kiya tune?" I ask sitting up more alert. Her slight sobs almost pushing the worry to another extreme. I hoped she hadn't done anything severe, or hurt herself or let her reaction get to the people. They'd make her life miserable, the half they'd managed to leave alone before.
"Woh main shoot de aate waqt episode dekh rahi thi aur woh end mein tera aur Nikki ka dikha rahe the. Mujhe nhi acha lgga woh. Mazaak bhi tha toh bhi... tune kbhi bhi I love you ya she loves you ka jawaab aise nhi diya tha last year, humesha Aise hi kuch na kuch excuse bna deta tha lekin an tune bola. Aur woh shaadi wali baat? Mere liye Bohut serious hai woh... tujhe pta hai. Fir end mein woh atv wala promo aagya aur maine gusse mein Twitter aur instagram set tujhe unfollow krdiya. Mujhe pta hai nhi krna chahiye tha lekin mujhe woh sab nhi dekhna tha tab. Baaz ko bhi kiya, almost sab ko kiya lekin tere wala news bnn gya" she voiced, both leaving me at ease and disturbing me further. I was glad it was fairly minor, at least for myself. But I knew that wouldn't be the case outside. Not with all the negativity theyd directed to her without a reason. Now they seemingly had one in their own minds of course. "Twitter se door reh thoda time. It's okay, bahar aa kr dekh lenge woh sab." I mumble not having it in me to get mad at something I knew would effect me the same way if not worse. I hadn't been much too cooperative with her telling me about MSK. And back then I hadn't even said anything, given no assurance and yet she'd left for me. "Theek hai na tu?" I ask hearing her continue to sob. She hummed, not giving me enough to believe so. "Hmm bas Dard hota hai yeh sab dekh kr." She murmured, she sounded more relaxed now that she'd let it out. I heard the soft breeze behind her confirming that she hadn't had slept before the call either. "Shoot khatam hogya?" I ask diverting the conversation into something more of what I wanted to hear. I'd let the other words fall into the back of my mind, making sure I kept those in consideration for the rest of my stay. I had absolutely no intention of hurting her further. "Nahi abhi nhi, subah hai. Aaj boat mein shoot kiya hum ne" she murmured, her voice uplifted from the dull mumbles before. "Dar nhi lgga tujhe?" I ask, remembering when we'd shot bhula dunga or any other time I tried talking her into going into the water. "Lgga na, aur woh Arjun keh raha tha ki agar girr gyi toh main nhi bachaunga... rabba maine sach mein drama kr diya tha" she said letting out a soft chuckle as she tried recreating the same. I do the same almost being able to imagine her and the fright on her face. "Gaana kaisa hai?" I intrigue, the boat although having made it pretty obvious. "Bohut pyaara hai sachi. Mujhe Bohut acha lgga, tere baare mein socha maine act krte waqt" she answered making me smile wider.
"Mere baare mein kyun?" I ask amusedly. Her smile was almost audible as she goes on to tell me how the lyrics reminded her of me, denying to tell me a few. "Be professional baby, gaana leak krdiya tune toh sab ko pta Chal jayega ki maine btaya. Vaise bhi aaj Kal Bohut song sunn raha hai tu" she giggled singing a bit of my new favourite. "Ghar kab jayegi?" I ask more so to shift the topic off of my sudden song interests. "Parso Shaam mein pahunch jaungi" she replied almost immediately.
"Sidharth.."she murmured pausing before continuing. "Tu please bahar ki tension mat lena. Maine tujhe bta diya kyun ki dimag mein nhi rakhna tha lekin fandom Aur yeh sab ka mat sochna. Main dekh lungi woh. Kaushal bhi hai. Main bhadak gyi thi tab lekin mujhe pta hai ki task hai, an Aisa kuch nhi karungi. Tu sirf Relax kr. Tu iss season ka bhi king hai, sbse zyada log tere liye hi dekh rahe hai. Live ka bhi sirf tere clips kat Te hai. Tere na Sone aur Channa mereya pr pta nhi kitne memes bn gye already. Ghar ki bhi tension mat lena. Yeh shoot k baad poora time waha hi hoon main, Ek do ghante hi jaana hoga agar gyi bhi. Maa ka poora khyaal rakhenge hum. Preeti di udhar hi hai abhi. Sab acha hai, hum sab ko Bohut acha lgta hai tujhe dekh kr. 2/3 din se tu tension mein lgg raha hai, Kaushal de bol kr ek baar Maa ki bhi baat krva dungi pakka lekin tu aise mat ho. Mujhe tujhe enjoy krte huye dekhna hai. Aur yeh night suits mein sach mein bohut zyada cute lgta hai tu" she ended, giggling at the last of what she said. I relaxed, her voice doing the usual trick. We'd make it out of it, no matter what was yet to come.
"1 more week baby" I huff, the way she'd summed everything up, gotten rid of the worry in my mind wanted me to be back at home. Wrapped up with her, or perhaps having dinner with the rest of the family. "Ho jayega, fun kr.. tasks krva ache se. Aur Jaan Bichare ko baksh de. Itni baar same gaana sun liya tune usse." She chuckled going back to the topic she evidently found the most important. "Aur tu jaane na ko daru ke saath kaun sun ta hai kutte?" She continued picking up the topic almost as if Itd just recently entered her mind. I laugh in response letting her continue to talk about the way I'd analyzed it's lyrics and then trailing off to Jasmin.
"Sir 3 minutes upar ho gye" the man in the PPE suit announced. I look up at him in exasperation not having realized when he'd stepped foot inside. Giving him a short nod I get back to the phone, Shehnaaz having silenced hearing the same. "Dhyaan rakh na apna aur please apne handles Kaushal ya Mehul ko de de kuch din. I don't want you to be a part of all of that. Bahar aa kr sort kr lenge." I mumble wanting to simply end the conversation at that, a small piece of assurance for the both of us. "Okay, tu tension mat le. Hum kr lenge sab. An ache as jaake so jaana, poori raat jaagna mat and I love you" she answered, almost cooing her words. I smile focusing back on my slippers. "I love you" I mumble cutting off the call. I give my phone back to the man that stood still at the door, thanking him before moving inside. The house at just as much rest as it was before. My own peace however seemed to have doubled.