There was also that time she lost control during her fifth year at Hogwarts. It was January of 1994 and the snow was piling up outside. There was a chill throughout the castle that confined most students to the warmth of the common rooms. Eleanor was studying in the library with Alicia Spinnet, who had been the one to suggest they study there rather than with everyone else in Gryffindor tower. She cited the twins' antics as her reasoning for wanting solitude, but Eleanor thought Alicia was trying to avoid Angelina. She wasn't sure what had happened between her two friends, but the pair hadn't spoken since winter break. It irritated Eleanor greatly, but she had long since given up on mending the girls' friendship, if only to maintain her own good relations with the two.
Alicia was pouring over a history of magic textbook, trying to find the key differences between several goblin revolts throughout the centuries. Their upcoming OWL examinations were giving Alicia a great deal of anxiety. She was trying to prepare extensive notes in advance to study from. Eleanor was attempting to work on a charms essay for Flitwick, but she hadn't written anything. She flicked her quill between her fingers listlessly, staring at a nearby table of Hufflepuff fifth years.
Cedric dumped Eleanor right before Christmas break, about a month prior. The girls in her dormitory were in an uproar over the event. They had taken to calling him 'Douchebag Diggory' and threw dirty looks in his direction anytime they passed him in the corridor. Angelina took her indignation at Eleanor's dumping to the next level by spreading a rumor regarding Cedric's lack of stamina in the bedroom. This led to the girls changing their nickname to 'Too Quick Cedric,' which Fred and George found highly amusing.
Eleanor appreciated her friends' animosity on her behalf, but she wasn't exactly heartbroken at the ending of her relationship. She tried to explain this one night while they sat around their dormitory comforting her.
"You don't have to put on a brave face with us, Ellie," Iris Webb, her fellow Gryffindor fifth year, had said, the rest of the girls nodding in agreement.
Eventually, Eleanor gave up on correcting their assertions regarding her breakup. She did try to put a stop to the rumor regarding Cedric's sex life, as she had never even slept with him over the course of their relationship. It was a fruitless effort, and by mid-January most of Gryffindor tower was referring to him as 'Too Quick Cedric.'
Eleanor severely hoped this rumor wouldn't make its way back to Cedric, but she wouldn't be surprised if it already had. All in all, Cedric was a good person, who hadn't done anything wrong in the entirety of their relationship. Their only real issue was that Eleanor constantly chose Fred and George over him. In the end, he couldn't stand it anymore and broke it off. She worried that if he thought she started the rumor he would retaliate by implying that she cheated on him with Fred, which he had in fact implied while dumping her. So far though, no such rumor had reached her ears.
It was thanks to Cedric that Eleanor had finally come to terms with the truth of the matter. She had feelings for Fred that were much different from those she held for George or Lee. She felt for Fred the way she supposed she ought to have felt for Cedric. It frightened her, the prospect of ruining one of the most important dynamics in her life by telling him something he had no desire to hear. It wouldn't only hurt her friendship with Fred but would most likely throw George into the middle of a very uncomfortable situation. The only thing Eleanor knew for sure was that George deserved much better than that.
And yet, a part of her wondered if Fred felt a similar way. There were moments when she was sure he must. So often he placed himself in the common room so that he could sit in a manner where they could touch. Sometimes it was simply their knees grazing against each other's, other times he would sit on the couch so that she could place her head in his lap as she read. When he was bored, he would sit behind her and braid her hair. He spoke to her differently than he spoke to most people, as though he was slightly more comfortable in her presence. But every moment she cherished might simply feel like friendship to him and she feared popping her bubble of bliss.
So here she sat, dissecting through seemingly insignificant moments they'd shared, unable to concentrate on much else other than what it would feel like to call him hers.
"When you look at all these at once, wizards really don't come off too hot," Alicia said, straightening in her chair.
"Huh?"
"The goblin revolts," she said simply. "It's unfortunate that wizards have created the conditions in which goblins are forced to revolt against the upholding's of a magical society that treats them as subservient. They've been stereotyped as gold mongering, when in reality it's just a difference in perception of the terms of possession. Possession is a societal based concept, neither wizards nor goblins are correct or incorrect in the way that they understand the ownership of material goods. Yet, we demonize them for an ideology in which they believe the maker of an object to be the sole proprietor rather than the buyer."
"You're right," Eleanor responded slowly, trying to process all the information Alicia had thrown at her, "wizard's have always been arrogant."
"It's more than just that, Eleanor. It's systematic prejudice that not even these revolts have been able to undo. Instead, they teach young witches and wizards about unsuccessful riots to push the message that wizards are the most superior beings and anyone who tries to usurp our societal norms will lose." Alicia shook her head, finalizing her notes on the subject.
"You will make a wonderful Minister of Magic," Eleanor said.
"It will take more than just policy change, it will take the dying out of an age-old ideology," Alicia said with a sigh, yet she smiled slightly at Eleanor's compliment, "but I assume that means I have your vote."
"I can think of no one better to attack age-old ideologies," Eleanor responded with a smile.
"As long as I pass all my OWLS," she bit her lip, "you probably don't even need to study."
"I'll do well on the practicals, but I'm worried about the written portion. I have trouble remembering all the details."
"If you actually studied, I think you would be fine."
"I do study!" Eleanor responded indignantly.
"You read textbooks you're interested in and completely ignore the rest," Alicia pointed out.
"Even the ones I do read I have trouble remembering, you're wonderful at analyzing and memorizing the precise wand work-"
"You're good where it actually counts – the spell itself," Alicia said with a hint of finality in her voice. "What career are you considering after Hogwarts?"
"Er, I don't know," Eleanor answered truthfully.
"You would make an impressive Auror. I also hear the Department of Mysteries look for capable recruits... maybe you could investigate that."
"Yeah, those are both reasonable," Eleanor said uncomfortably.
Truth be told, she had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. She was always expecting Voldemort to crop back up and kill her before she had time to graduate. She certainly hadn't expected to live this long.
"What do you think Fred and George will do?" Alicia asked.
"Nothing to do with the Ministry," Eleanor responded, but the mention of Fred put her back into a tailspin.
She could try to tell him how she felt, but the idea caused bile to burn in the back of her throat. She began idly playing with her quill again, her heart racing as her mind presented more intoxicating thoughts. She would feel out the situation, present it slowly. The step from the relationship they currently held to the one she wanted wasn't much of a leap.
"What's wrong?" Alicia asked suddenly.
"What – Oh, nothing."
"It's obviously not nothing. You haven't done any of your essay and you keep twiddling with your quill-"
"It isn't exactly a sign of distress when I have trouble starting my homework," Eleanor pointed out.
"Maybe not if we were in a big group, but when it's just you and me, you usually figure your shit out," Alicia said, "Is it Cedric?"
"Merlin, no," Eleanor answered a little too fast.
"Good, because he isn't worth it," Alicia grumbled, "no boys here are."
Eleanor nodded in agreement but continued flipping over the quill in her hand. If she could just get Fred alone...
"Is this about a boy?" Alicia continued.
"I-"
"That's a yes," she smirked, "who?"
Eleanor said nothing.
"Fine, you don't have to tell me," she said, "I think it would be good for you to rebound."
"I'm not trying to rebound, it's just..." Eleanor paused. A part of her wanted to tell Alicia, but the rest of her felt too embarrassed.
"It's hard to tell guys when you like them because, well, guys are confusing. They think they're straightforward, but they aren't."
Eleanor nodded.
"I can't imagine a guy not liking you though. Just ask him out."
"I can't do that!"
"Why not?"
"Well, I'm a girl-"
"Come on Eleanor! That's a ridiculous gender norm. If this boy is too coward to ask you himself, then it's up to you. You've fought a Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets, but you won't ask out a boy?"
"If he says no it'll be humiliating."
"Then obliviate him."
"Wh- Alicia!"
"I'm just saying," Alicia laughed, "If he embarrasses you afterwards then just make it like it never happened. Take the memory away, move on. At least you'll have an answer."
Eleanor thought Alicia was probably kidding, but she made a good point. Eleanor had magic. She could fix anything that went wrong.
Like it never happened.
"I could ruin everything," Eleanor said finally, her stomach churning once more.
"You're ruining yourself by sitting here and freaking out about it. Either don't say anything and move on, or tell him how you feel. You were sorted into Gryffindor, Eleanor; you can ask a boy out."
Eleanor sat with Alicia in silence for a moment, considering her words. Alicia tended to be right about most things, and Eleanor trusted her judgement above all others. If Alicia thought she should do it, then that was what she needed to do. She would tell Fred how she felt. Well, maybe she wouldn't tell him the complete truth. She could simply suggest it as a possible idea.
Alicia doesn't know who you're talking about , a cynical voice in her head taunted.
That was also true. She pondered whether or not Alicia would give her the same advice if she knew who Eleanor was speaking of. Alicia liked Fred, but only to a point. She wished Fred would take life more seriously. Yet, she wished the same thing for Eleanor. Maybe Alicia would think they were a good match.
Or maybe you're too alike, the voice continued, you both encourage impulsivity to a fault.
Or maybe, a gentler voice in her head countered, the only opinions that count on the matter are yours and Fred's.
Eleanor looked over at Alicia. She was back to taking notes, this time on the Anti-Muggle Laws of 1756. Eleanor took a deep breath before pushing herself up from the table.
"I'm going to do it," she said, though her hands were shaking.
"I'll be here until the library closes if you need me," Alicia said with a supportive smile before looking back through her notes.
Eleanor headed out of the library and walked toward Gryffindor tower. A few times she made to turn around, doubting her decision, but eventually she decided that going to see Fred was the best course of action. He was only Fred after all. She always thought she could talk to Fred about anything.
He can be an asshole.
She couldn't argue with herself on that. Although he typically avoided being an asshole to her.
Not always though.
She clambered through the portrait hole and spotted the majority of her friends sitting by the fire. George and Lee were playing exploding snap, while Iris and Katie Bell watched. Alfie Nott, another Gryffindor fifth year, was trying to write their charms essay but became distracted every time he heard Iris laugh.
"Where's Fred?" Eleanor asked when she made her way over to them.
Alfie made to open his mouth, but Lee interrupted him with a laugh.
"He's in the dormitory," Lee said with a sly smile at George.
Something about Lee's tone of voice made Eleanor more uneasy than she already was. She looked over to Iris and Katie for clarification, but neither seemed to understand any better than she did. They both shrugged before turning their attention back to the game. Alfie looked torn between saying something and staying silent. In the end, he bit his lip and hastily returned to his homework.
Eleanor started up the stairs to the boy's dormitory, her heart pounding in her throat. She could do this; he was just a boy. A boy she knew better than anyone else in the entire world. Worst case scenario, Obliviate was a pretty easy spell.
When she reached the third landing, she opened the door to the fifth-year boy's dormitory. She looked toward Fred's bed only to immediately shut her eyes.
"Shit, uh sorry, I-" Eleanor gasped weakly, turning on the spot.
Fred was completely naked, standing at the foot of his bed while he fucked Angelina from behind.
The color drained from Eleanor's face as her heart plummeted into the pit of her stomach. She felt her way out of the room, eyes still closed, slamming the door behind her as fast as she could. She thought she heard Angelina's twinkling laugh echoing behind her. She stumbled down the steps back into the common room where Lee and George were waiting for her with giant grins on their faces.
"Find Fred?" Lee asked with a laugh.
George, who had also been laughing, stopped smiling when he saw the look on Eleanor's face.
"You okay, El?" He asked.
"Yeah, I, um, ew," she replied weakly.
George smiled, but he didn't seem to find the joke quite as funny as he had a second ago. On the other hand, Lee was wiping tears out of his eyes as he doubled over in laughter.
"What's so funny?" Iris pouted, looking between Eleanor and Lee.
"I'm sure Lee will explain," Eleanor told Iris, trying to keep her voice light, "I, uh, I'm gonna head back to the library to... I should go back to Alicia."
Alfie glanced up from his essay as she passed, giving her an apologetic look. She faintly heard Iris begging the boys to let her in on the joke as she pushed her way back out of the portrait hole and into the corridor. She loosened her tie as she walked, feeling as though her throat was constricting. Aimlessly, her feet lead her as far away from Fred as she could manage.
Lee and George hadn't known why she wanted to see Fred, they just wanted to pull a prank. They couldn't have known how it would make her feel to see Fred and Angelina like that. It would have been funny, if it had been Lee and Angelina, but it was Fred and it was anything but funny.
She felt like she was going to be sick. She stopped walking for a second to catch her bearings. She realized she was close to the prefect's bathroom on the fifth floor and sped toward her newly decided destination.
"Flobberworm," Eleanor said quietly. The door to the prefect's bathroom swung open.
She was sweating, and the world felt unbearably hot. She still couldn't wrap her mind around what she had witnessed. Fred had never said anything about wanting to be with Angelina. Angelina had never said anything about wanting to be with Fred. To make matters worse, Angelina was one of Eleanor's closest friends, and although the image in her head made her sick, she couldn't hate Angelina for it. Angelina had beat her to the punch; she was too late. She didn't even know how Fred would have reacted to her feelings. Not that it mattered now.
She hated herself for feeling so pathetically sad over a boy. Fred's hands on Angelina's bare skin flashed through her mind repeatedly. She wanted to wash her brain clean of the memory. She wished she could obliviate her own mind. She closed her eyes, trying to rub the pictures playing across her eyelids away. Her imagination was getting the best of her now, and the room was even hotter than she remembered.
She opened her eyes, moving to take off her sweater, when she caught a flicker of orange in the sink mirror. Turning around, she gasped at the sight. The candles in the chandelier burned with an intensity Eleanor had never seen before. The flames flew upward, twisting across the high marble ceiling in coils of orange fury. She fell backwards against the sink, yelling out. Then, just like that, the candle's flames diminished to their original size and all was normal.
And that was the day Eleanor discovered that self-pity could be added to the long list of emotions that caused her to try and burn the world away.