Why is this happening to me...?
It was a chilly spring morning in Fukuoka. School had just begun a few weeks ago. Finally, I started my life as a third-year.
Every morning I took my usual path to school, as I had done the two years prior. The path was pleasant. Not too many traveled on it and it was away from the street noise. I never had anyone to accompany me like the other people walking to school. I don't think I've ever had a friend to be honest. Being alone wouldn't be too bad if because of it I hadn't become a target for bullies. And today was especially wretched.
Everything was normal for the first few periods. I stayed in my own bubble away from everyone, jotting down notes for homework. The sounds of people laughing and talking amongst themselves were a grim reminder that I had lost my place among them. Instinctively, I got up from my seat to find a place to eat in silence. As I rounded the corner, I heard it.
Two girls were gossiping to each other. "Do you know Nichi Hachiya from class 3-C?" One of them whispered. "I heard he got creepy with one of the girls in his class"
Then the other one started up, "Ewww, I always got creepy vibes from him..."
What?! I didn't do anything like that! I haven't even spoken with any of the girls in my class... I thought.
If I wasn't so timid I would've interjected and cleared up any misunderstanding, but instead I stood out of sight, listening. Apparently, someone was spreading rumors about me. I had allegedly tried to sexually assault one of the girls in my class outside of school. And not just any girl, possibly the most popular one, Yuki Kikuchi. She was apparently warning everyone about me.
Throughout the entire day, I got menacing stares, disgusted looks, murmuring as I passed, whatever you can imagine. I already had a stigma surrounding me. As if I didn't feel outcast already, this was a whole new level. The rumor had spread like wildfire. Everyone so desperately wanted to claw onto the idea of "the creepy outcast boy," and by the end of the day, nearly all the school's third-years knew of what I had "done."
People were the last thing I wanted to see anymore. As soon as my final class ended, I was out of there. I desired nothing more than to be home. However, on the way home I was stopped by a group of gruff male students and one girl. The one who I "assaulted," Yuki Kikuchi.
One of the students walked up to me, his head reaching far above mine. Yuki peeked out from behind him.
"You Nichi Hachiya?" The gruff student snarled.
"Yeah..." I reluctantly answered.
"I think we've got some business. Yuki here tells me you tried to take advantage of her." The look he gave combined with his cold, guttural voice sent chills down my spine.
"I haven't done anything like that...!"
"You think I'd believe a creepy bastard like you over my girl?" He growled.
He grabbed me by the collar and pushed me up against the brick wall, eyes glaring into mine.
"W-Wait..!" I yelled in a last ditch effort to stop him. But it was to no avail. He chuckled and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, beaten up.
He bared his teeth and leaned in close to me, "Don't you dare creep around Yuki again, got it?"
He then walked off, Yuki smiling with satisfaction behind him.
That sadistic whore... I thought, She just wanted to cause someone despair, didn't she? Why did it have to be me? What did I do to her?
My thoughts bounced around towards any possible explanation. I eventually landed on one, that she just wanted to ruin somebody's life. She realized I was the reject and took the opportunity. And she succeeded. Not only was I lying on the ground, dejected, she had planted the roots for me to become the scum of the school.
For the next few weeks, more and more rumors began to circulate around the school, and more and more people began to hate my guts. I needed an out.
I craved death. Just the thought of it comforted me. I didn't care how I died, I just wished for it to happen. It was the only way I knew how to escape. One day, I decided I couldn't take it anymore.
I walked home, careful to avoid anyone I might go to school with. God knows I wouldn't want a repeat of Yuki's boyfriend and his gang. I luckily arrived home without incident and walked inside. My mom greeted me as I took off my shoes. I half-assily returned her greeting, barely having any energy to do that much. I made my way to the kitchen and quietly stole one of the bigger knives, careful to sneak around my mom and dad. I locked myself in the last place I felt safe, my room.
My mental decline affected my room greatly. It was a mess, clothes and trash strewn across the floor, the only light illuminating the space came from my computer. I refused to ever draw the curtains.
I sat down on my knees and raised my shirt up, holding it in place with my mouth. I carefully aimed the knife toward my abdomen. I took a deep breath and with only a moment's hesitation, I plunged it into myself. I clenched down on the shirt in my mouth with my teeth. The pain was unbearable, it felt like my insides were burning up. I couldn't have been prepared for the pain, even if by now I had become used to sharp objects cutting open my skin.
I slowly pulled the knife out, fully anticipating to become too weak to sit up straight. However, the pain started quickly subsiding. I touched my skin.
What the hell...? Am I dreaming?
To my surprise, my wound had healed. Though the knife was stained, my wound hadn't even bled. I sat for a minute, head spinning. I took another deep breath and prepared myself for a second attempt. Just like last time, the pain surged through my veins, but my wound closed up almost immediately.
I have to be dreaming... this can't be happening...
Was this some sort of cruel joke from the universe? The only escape I knew for me was death, and now even that was taken away from me.
Why is this happening to me...?
No amount of questioning and contemplation got me anywhere. What was going on was completely out of my mind's grasp.
I set down the knife, hands shaking, and lied in silence, curled up on the floor. Tears ran down my face as I wondered what I'd ever done to receive this terrible punishment. I never lived up to anyone's expectations, my grades had dropped substantially, and now I couldn't even kill myself. I was a failure, through and through, and there was no way I could escape it.
Why do I have to suffer while everyone else laughs at me?
I came to no conclusion.