"Can we talk?" I whispered, remaining reserved and suppressing the urge to throw myself into his arms.
I had decided to go and speak to Remus early the next morning, before breakfast, in an attempt to fix the mess we had both equally created. It had been well over twelve hours since we last spoke, and as far as I can recall that was the longest I had ever intentionally gone without Remus, and it was a lot more draining than I anticipated.
Despite the heavy thoughts toying with my mind, I drifted off rather quickly the night before. I would assume contacting your incarcerated father for the first time in your entire life can be fairly overwhelming to say the least.
But regardless of that seemingly significant step, my mind still wandered back and forth from what I had said to Remus.
"the only thing on your mind, ever, is Sirius"
I didn't mean it, I realise that now.
I pushed the door open haltingly and rested my head between the crack in the entryway to Remus's living quarters, as I spoke. He sat in the corner of the well lit room upon his large burgundy armchair, his tired eyes looking up at me as I entered, with a large mug of tea in one hand and a book in the other.
He motioned with his head in response for me to come in, his smile was as gentle as always and I couldn't help but feel immense guilt for shutting him out. But I was here now, wasn't I?
Remus placed his cup of tea down on the counter next to him and opened his arms wide whilst shuffling in that colossal chair of his slightly to make room for me to slide in next to him. Any nerves I had preconceived now melted away, leaving just the feeling of contentment settling within my stomach.
The scent of the room was enough to evaporate any anger. The warm almost sickening smell of tea and the subtle scent of parchment was so homely.
"I love that book" I whispered, as I nuzzled into his side and he held me in a nurturing manner, glancing down and noting Charlotte Bronte's Wuthering heights resting lazily in his hand. "Can you keep reading?" I questioned.
An ungagable look etched its way onto his features, what appeared to be almost a sense of nostalgia washing over him. Almost as if he had heard that before. However he soon allowed the feeling within him to fade, just as quickly as it arose, and he nodded faintly to my question.
And so he read. And all was good once again. It wasn't until twenty minutes later he broke his concentration on the pages and rested the book nonchalantly upon his chest before glancing down at me.
"I'm sorry" he muttered, a look of suppressed guilt tumbling out along with his words.
"Me too" I agreed sheepishly before swiping a tear that escaped me and rolled down my cheek before I could stop it.
"We don't have to speak about it" He started, noticing the emotions brimming within my eyes. "But if you want to talk about Draco, I'm here" His tone was sympathetic and remorseful, I could tell he knew he should have done this weeks ago.
I didn't verbally respond, just simply nodding along with his words. Truthfully I had already resolved the internal conflict surrounding Draco. Draco Malfoy was not his father, in the same way I wasn't mine, I needed to acknowledge the possibility that Draco was a satisfactory human being. Satisfactory, yes. That would be enough.
I began hauling myself out of the chair that had now partially engulfed my body due to its size, bringing myself out of my thoughts.
I had thought about telling Remus about the letter to Sirius, maybe he would understand. Should I have spoken to him first? Maybe I made a mistake. The notion of telling him proved to be far too anxiety provoking and I decided against it. I would tell him when I was ready.
That was until...
"I wrote Sirius" The words tumbling out of me before I could catch them.
He didn't say anything. Instead just stared at me, his eyes glazed over with pure shock, his jaw practically audible as it hit the floor.
"Say something" I was nervous now. He didn't appear angry, not that he had any reason to be, but he was clearly astonished.
"That's great pup, um.. any particular reason?" His words came out broken and laced with complete disbelief.
"It was time" I said simply before turning my attention towards the door and began walking towards it slowly, unsure if I was ready to leave.
I slipped out the door, closing it softly behind me but not before briefly pulling my head back through the crack.
"I love you dad"
"Love you too pup"
~~~~~
I made my way to the great hall for breakfast after departing with Remus, walking timidly, still slightly not sure about my way around the castle. I watched the floor as I walked, seemingly lost in my own thoughts, a concoction of Sirius and Malfoy and that ridiculous redhead I still couldn't escape.
I most obviously should have been paying more attention to my quickening strides and I turned a sharp corner only for my forehead to come into contact, full force, with someone's chest.
"Someones in a hurry" he joked, his voice beautifully thick and sweet.
I step backwards slightly, looking up at him cautiously.
There was no indication of inner angst or animosity in his hazel-brown eyes, rather a look of warmth spreading its way across his features. His mousy locks were tousled slightly and a few lonesome strands of hair fell over his eyes, disrupting his gaze. I watched him for a moment, as he did me.
"I am so sorry" I quickly blurted out, realising that I hadn't actually spoken yet.
"Not to worry, honest mistake" He reassured me with a bright smile, the type of smile that seemed to radiate happiness.
"I'm Ardelle Black, by the way" I admitted reluctantly, expecting to see his features washed with disapproval. But rather he stuck out his hand plainly, and waited for me to take it.
"I'm Oliver, Oliver Wood," He said kindly. "Mind if I walk with you to breakfast?" He questioned, pointing to his Gryffindor robes, and I motioned for him to take the lead as we walked towards the great hall.
As we walked toward the Gryffindor table, the twins, Harry, Hermione and Ginny were all in excited conversation, Ron simply just observing as he shovelled food into his mouth. I couldn't quite pick up what they were saying until I sat myself next to George and heard the mention of a party.
"Did I hear someone say party?" I interjected, watching all eyes fall to me and there once busting conversation screeching to a halt.
"Yeah, Gryffindor common room tonight" Harry muttered in a nonchalant and muted tone, likely not wanting to attract the attention of the Slytherins seated behind him.
"We wanted to give you a proper Gryffindor welcome" Ginny added, a proud smile tugging at her lips.
"Even though it's a Monday" Hermione tutted as she perked up from the herbology book in front of her and interjected.
"Merlin's sake 'Mione loosen up, it's nothing big, just some Gryffindors and music" Ron groaned between mouthfuls, clearly fed up with Hermione's level head.
She muttered something about immaturity before sticking her nose back into her book.
"So you in?" I heard a deep voice rumble from a few people down the table and I snapped my head in that direction.
Fred was staring at me eagerly and I gave him a curt and reserved nod, masking the blush that crept onto my cheeks before tucking into my breakfast.
~~~~~
We huddled around the back of the classroom, the room was dark and dingy, the smell of damp and painfully strong herbs slightly sickening and harsh on my senses. My heart was racing rapidly and I wasn't sure I could support my own weight for a substantial length of time.
"What are we waiting for?" I nervously questioned Hermione, who I was now practically using as support so my weakening legs didn't snap underneath the pressure of my heaving torso.
"For Snape to come in and assign the seats" She reassured me, extending her arm to support my frame, clearly aware of the volatile energy radiating off me.
"Snape?" I asked as the sickening feeling intensified.
"He is the potions professor after all" Ron chimed in after a few seconds.
Fuck, I was done for. Surely my composure would crumble under the presence of that man.
My eyes scoured the room, searching for an element of safety. A book that reminded me of Remus perhaps or the cordial grin on Hermione's face that would elevate some fear. But instead my gaze locked with the harsh stare of a blonde slytherin situated against the wall to my left. His eyes met mine, the pale blue waters drowning in the harsh fire of my own.
But before I had a chance to study his face further, the door to the classroom swung open rather abruptly followed by a tall dark haired wizard, the room succumbing to the pained atmosphere he dragged in with him.
He pointed his wand harshly on the front desk, the snapping noise silencing the room.
"Granger'' He snarled as he moved his wand to the seat next to that one. "Potter" His voice was breathy and adenoidal as the sound seemed to escape his noise rather than his mouth.
Hermione and Harry made their way over to the desk he had instructed without hesitation. Snape preceded by moving to the desk situated just next to them and snapped his wand down harshly again.
"Black" He practically spat, almost shuddering slightly as the words left his lips, but he continued nonetheless making his way to the chair next to mine. I held my breath as I waited anxiously for the name that followed.
My mind was submerged in uncertaining, every fibre of my current being praying for the word "Weasley'' to follow. But it never did, instead the only words I wasn't sure I could cope with fell from his curled lips and hit the floor, shattering like glass. "Malfoy"
Snape proceeded around the class, placing everybody around the room, everytime you thought you had picked up on the pattern he was creating he would change his routine and you would be left bewildered by his seating plan once again.
"I'm Ardelle by the way" I gulped, breaking the harsh silence lingering in the dense air.
"I know" He muttered, not meeting my gaze, his tone muted in an attempt not to disrupt our stable surroundings.
My words from just yesterday had seemingly impacted him greater than I intended, but he was a person after all, and I suppose I would hold a great deal of exasperation at the expense of being compared to my 'father'. He clearly did too.
But I wanted to know him, there was more that met the eye, that I was sure of. I needed him more than I realised back then, I needed someone broken too.
Ironic that someone so damaged could eventually make you feel so whole.
He shifted his stance and turned to me, his gaze meeting mine.
One simple glance of his ocean-deep eyes told of a lifetime of struggle that had never been voiced. I knew nothing closer to a mirror at that moment. I watched the ghosts of my broken past drown within his heavenly deep eyes, being pulled in by the harsh currents. The scars that burnt within him so raw, as did mine. The marks so far from neat and painless, yet the impulse to drag a heavy finger along the surface so suffocating, would it burn like I told myself it did?
Would I feel pain?
Would I feel anything?
"You don't have to shut me out because you don't think you have another choice. I know how that feels, loneliness is exhausting" I was taken aback by my honesty and he seemed to be too, although his eyes held a certain level of admiration as they observed mine. "I'm not asking you to let me in, but consider the possibility that you and I, I think we're deeply similar, more than either of us will admit"
To that he heavily released the pent up air burrowed within his lungs, an ever so faint shadow of, what appeared to be, a smile brushed his lips before he turned his attention to Snape who was now prepared to start the lesson. "Thank you" he hummed and a genuine sense of gratitude followed his words.
We sat in comfortable silence whilst Snape began to explain the lesson.
"I have placed on each desk a selection of ingredients, you will need to create Exstimulo in your pairs using said ingredients. You may need all the ingredients, some may be there to trick you, so be warned" He snarled sharply, narrowing his eyes at me.
He sat down at his desk and began shifting through a stack of parchment as people started examining the ingredients placed on our tables.
Draco didn't speak to me, simply just handed me a vile of liquid and gestured for me to start brewing it whilst he scanned through his textbook for a recipe. I watched him for a moment, a needy expression on his face, desperate to do this right. I knew how that felt, Snape was already testing us, and tests are just another opportunity to fail.
"No, we don't need that" I said suddenly, shattering the silent lingering between us as Draco went to drop a leaf of dittany into the cauldron.
"The recipe says we need this" He questioned, a slightly condescending tone laced in his voice.
"I don't care, your recipe is wrong. The dittany will react with the bitter root and it will take days to brew" I retorted in a collected manner.
I knew what I was talking about, I was well aware the book said otherwise but I trusted my own intuition over an a hundred year old textbook.
"But-"
"No, no buts. If you want to do this right please listen to me" I insisted as I began pulling apart the petals of a snowdrop flower and sprinkling it into the cauldron.
He didn't say anything after that, instead just let me proceed with the potion, although he did shoot me a look when I added in the Re'em blood that could only be translated as 'If this goes wrong, on your head be it'
That was a risk I was willing to take.
And it was one that paid off, as after just a few short minutes the clear liquid fizzled before transforming electric blue. Draco's eyes lit up light fire in water, if you envision such a sight, at the brewed potions.
"Told you" I muttered smugly as I took the potion off the heat, Draco simply glaring at me, although the look of admiration did not go unnoticed.
"Right, class ends in 5 minutes, has anyone successfully brewed the potion?" Snape questioned from his place behind his desk.
No one spoke up just yet.
Snape made his way over to Hermione, floating as he walked. "Not even you Miss Granger?" she shook her head at his words. "How very disappointing"
He scanned the room before continuing. "I have to admit that it is mildly concerning, might I say pathetic that a class of 5th years can not brew a simple potion. Although I am not surp-"
"We did Sir" I interjected, cutting his sentence short. His head snapped in my direction, his lip curled as he took a couple paces towards us.
"I beg your pardon?" He spat
"I said, me and Draco successfully brewed your potion. It was rather easy" I quipped back, not in a position to be belittled by this man.
"Is that so Miss Black?" He said stirring my potions back and forth attempting to find a fault, although I knew he would fail. "Well done Draco, Ardelle" He uttered reluctantly, not wanting to admit my triumph. "Do see that you don't get too full of yourself Miss Black, a quick brew of Exstimulo is nothing to be proud of"
I audibly tutted at his words, he underestimated my abilities and that was his first mistake.
In response to my loud display of agitation he spoke again. "You think you could do anything better than a simple potion?" He scoffed, clearly trying to test my patience.
"Try me" I stated plainly, well aware of my extensive knowledge in his field.
"What would I be trying to concoct should I use powdered Root of Asphodel, infusion of Wormwood, Valerian root and a Sopophorous bean?" He demanded
"Well if you also intend to add a Sloth brain and Moondew, then draught of living death" I bluntly remarked.
"State the length it takes to brew Veritaserum" His voice was sharp and laced with condescension.
"One lunar phase, so 28 days" I spat as an attempt to put him in his rightful place.
"Wolfbane relieves the effects of what?" He questioned with a knowing look.
"Lycanthropy" I scolded, unsure of the intent of his question.
"I suppose you have an unfair advantage in the knowledge of werewolves, don't you Miss Black?" He claimed, a smirk plastered across his face.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I replied, as I felt a noticeable sense of panic rise within me, strong enough to buckle my legs below me as I reached for the table in support.
"I am sure you are fully aware the connotations linked to my question Miss Black, class dismissed"
~~~~~
I had managed to prevent the invasion of a full blown attack, taking steady breaths as I followed the others back to the common room.
"Sorry about him Ardelle, he can be a bit intense" Harry explained comfortingly as the group seemed to have noticed the effect of Snape's words on my demeanor.
"Yeah, intense and a total ass" Ron added causing the group to release a light chuckle.
"I am going to head to the library, I have a study session with Nev" Hermione exclaimed as she broke off from the group just before the common room.
"Yeah we need to head off too, Oliver has us doing crazy drills before dinner" Harry groaned before heading toward his dorm to presumably collect his quidditch gear. "Ron you coming?"
"Yes," Ron replied, through gritted teeth, clearly not thrilled about the training.
So I placed myself on the couch of the empty common room, nowhere particular to be, simply just sumberging my senses in the crackle of flames.
"All alone?" A gruff voice questioned from across the room, a voice I had recognised to be none other than Fred Weasley.
"Not against company though" I chuckled and he sat himself down next to me.
We sat in safe silence for a moment, he watched the flames in front of us dance, and I did too although I did not look directly at them, instead I viewed them from the reflection they made within his golden eyes.
"I never got to thank you" I expressed, snapping the heavy atmosphere.
"For what?" He questioned, unaware of what I was referring too.
"For yesterday, outside the great hall. I wouldn't have been able to pull myself from that without your help" I stated honestly.
"Of course you would have, your strength is admirable. I barey know you Ari" my breath audibly hitched at the use of a nickname. "But I know you have been through enough to last a lifetime, but yet here you are, still fighting" He shifted his seat on the couch as he spoke, turning his chest to face me and leaning in slightly as the words feel from his lips, almost uncontrollably.
"Thank you, Fred" I expressed, genuinely shocked at the appreciation of my persistence through everything.
"Of course" He smiled "Oh shit I almost forgot, look at this!" He exclaimed as he slipped his hand into his robe, and displayed a small vile, containing a clear liquid.
"Veritaserum?"
"Yep" He grinned, his expression resembling that of a giddy child. "It wouldn't be a Weasley party without some good old fashioned embarrassment and heavy confession that you ultimately can't escape" He chuckled darkly and I joined in but mostly from nerves. "But you're an open book from what I can gage. You don't have much you won't say I take it"
And whilst what Fred had observed was partially true, there was the small matter of not wanting to confess my obnoxiously huge crush on the redhead just centimeters away from me.
Fuck. This was going to be an intense night.