"When is your birthday?"
I glanced over to Alex who walked beside me along the canal.
Spring had begun in mid March, the wind wasn't as harsh or Arctic-like and rain didn't pummel the earth every day. The sun shone as we walked, clouds splattered across the blue and a calm breeze blew, sending small ripples across the surface of the canal, disrupting the serene stillness. Flowers had started to bloom, daisies and dandelions grew along the green path beside the mirrored plane. The grass was greener, the trees were lighter and healthier, not looking like skeletons as green started to sprout out of the brown.
Our escapade along the canal felt new, a different walk to what we had been taking for the past several months. There was more colour, a chirp to the air as the birds sang loudly and happily in the trees, a melody that hadn't been quite as charming a few months ago. It was refreshing, warm and anew. This was what Spring was. It brought some kind of hope to the world, to me.
Ducks and swans quacked and honked happily from their home. Nests hidden in the shrubbery caught my attention, the flatness being hidden mostly by the long green grass.
"January twenty-third." I answered quietly, staring at a Swan in the shrubbery. Its perfectly white and elegant feathers caught my attention among the green, its wings expanding like a crown.
"Wait. I missed it? Why didn't you tell me?" He demanded, disbelief masking his tone.
I shrugged, my eyes focusing on two ducks, one brown and the other with an emerald green head. "I don't celebrate my birthday."
"Why?" I kept quiet. "It reminds you of your mum?"
With a sigh, I nodded. "Partly."
"What's the other part?" He prodded gently.
The anxiety in my stomach pooled at the thought of telling him everything. How my anxiety started, why I don't celebrate Christmas or my birthday, why I keep to myself, why I have Loki, why I only spend twelve days a year with Morgan. It would all make sense if I told him but my anxiety wouldn't let me. It caused my throat to constrict and burn, making me physically unable to say the words. Instead I settled for something easier, something simple.
"I just don't celebrate my birthday or Christmas. I haven't since I was seven, my dad didn't want me to."
He was silent for a long time and I started to regret saying anything about my past, even if it was incredibly vague and didn't describe any details whatsoever.
"You shouldn't let your dad control your life, especially now since he's not in it." He said finally. "We should celebrate your twenty fifth birthday today since we missed it."
I breathed out a laugh. "I don't know if you've noticed but I'm not a regular person. I can't be around a lot people. Birthdays and Christmas's are just things I don't do. It's better that way."
"That's Bullshit." My eyes widen at his language. "I'm sorry but it's true. We are going to celebrate your birthday. You only turn twenty five once, believe me I know. I'm thirty one and you should celebrate your twenties." He saw the skeptical look on my face and continued. "It will just be us. No one else."
Only us two. It will be Alex. There won't be anyone else there to cause a spike of my anxiety. I'm comfortable around Alex.
"Okay."
We carried on our walk and I listened while Alex spoke about his company, anecdoting what happened yesterday in meetings and with his staff. I listened carefully, gasping, smiling and letting out a small laugh at the perfect times while my eyes focused on the new scenery.
I didn't like colour, I thought it to be too bright and too harsh, sticking to nudes and naturals that helped with maintaining my serenity but being outside, surrounded by nature as it started to blossom again after the rough and life sucking winter, I couldn't help but admire it. The colours were prettier, I noticed them more, I smiled as I passed a daisy, studying the delicate white petals as they blew gently in the wind.
I had only just noticed the beauty in nature, the path I walked everyday, never noticing the fragile but beautiful details nature held. Maybe it was because my eyes were open and I was studying and noticing, not just passing by with skimming eyes. Or maybe it was because Alex was next to me. As spring rolled on and nature blossomed, Alex was by my side, pulling me out of my rock, making me notice every little detail.
Like spring, I felt alive when I was with Alex. I wasn't just surviving anymore.
Alex left me with the instructions to dress in a dress before he left to plan something for my belated birthday.
I didn't own many dresses, mainly because wearing one made me incredibly uncomfortable because of my pale and short legs that reminded me more of stumps than legs. But I had one particular one that I liked but hadn't worn.
It was old, at least six years old and only worn once when I tried it on in my bedroom and stuffed it back in my wardrobe.
I smoothed it down as I looked in the mirror, the soft and flowing material stopped just before my knees, a respectable length. It was light pink with tiny little pink, white and red flowers all over it. I left my hair how it was, naturally straight down my shoulders.
My pale skin stood out against the dress and my dark hair, making me look ill and I was glad the dress wasn't too tight so the pudge on my stomach wasn't as noticeable.
I turned away from the mirror before I started pointing any more of my insecurities and my anxiety rose. I looked nice. I was okay.
Loki stared up at me when I walked in to the living room, his golden eyes locking on to mine.
"Do I look okay? Not too bad?" I ask him with a smile. Loki barked, jumping down from the sofa and sitting down before my ballerina clad feet.
I kneeled in front of him, scratching behind his ears. "You're my best friend Loki." He whined and licked my face. "Yep. Love you too."
My heart stopped when a knock rang through the apartment and it was only when Loki's cold and wet nose nudged my bare leg that I realised I had been standing there, staring at it for five minutes.
Another knock came.
I hurried over, opening the door with an apologetic smile on my face. "Hi I'm sorr- hi Zeus? Um- what have you got?"
I opened the door wider for Alex and Zeus to walk in. Zeus bounced over to Loki when he got let off the lead and I stared at the wicker basket in Alex's hands.
His tall frame was covered with dark navy trousers and a white button up shirt, the first few buttons undone with no tie or blazer. It was the most casual I had ever seen him, but of course his casual was other peoples dressed up.
"Well." He started with a smirk. "I know you have trouble with people and you have anxiety and I knew you really wouldn't like to go to a restaurant, even if I rented the place out because that would still mean your anxiety spiking over talking to the wait staff. So, instead, I decided we would have your belated birthday meal in your apartment. An indoor picnic. And of course what is an indoor picnic without our doggos."
I stared between his eyes and the basket in his hands, an overwhelming feeling starting in my chest and spreading throughout my entire body. I was warm all over. A shake occupied my body and my breathing accelerated.
I was okay.
"Shit- I'm sorry if I said something-"
I cut him off, wrapping my arms around his abdomen. He froze, his entire body locking and stiffening until he relaxed, returning the hug hesitantly. "I love it. It's thoughtful and kind. Like you."
"You're welcome Oaklee." He whispered, his hands resting high on my back, his fingers playing with the ends of my hair. I tried not to flinch at the feel of his hands on me.
It was Alex. I'm okay.
We separated. I watched as he moved the sofa nearer to the kitchen and slid the coffee table along the floor, to the wall, so there was a large space in the living room.
He laid down a large blanket on the floor from the basket, kneeling on it to take out all the food. Posh squared sandwiches with lettuce and tomatoes; bowls of chopped colourful fruit; a variety of little pastries and cubes of cheeses. Along with it, he pulled out a bottle of red wine and a carton of apple and blackcurrant juice and two wine glasses. I smiled at the juice.
I grabbed the pillows from the sofa and positioned them on the blanket, sitting on top of them with my legs out while Alex mimicked me, the food separating us.
We ate while we talked, low music playing in the background from his phone.
"Your anxiety." He started after a moment of two of silence. "When did it start?"
I swallowed both the bite of pastry in my mouth and the lump in my throat that arose. "When my mum died."
"I shut everyone out when my mum died as well." He muttered, staring down at his glass of wine. "She died in a car crash. I was in the car with her. The other car drove in to her side of the car and it killed her instantly. I saw the driver stumble out and walk away." His hold on the wine glass tightened. "Apart from a concussion and a cut on my head, I was unscathed."
"That must have been hard." I whispered, staring in to my glass like he was.
"It was. I just didn't want anyone in my life apart from my family. Even now I don't want anyone in my life. Apart from you Oaklee. You're the first person I've let in since I was fourteen." I looked up at him when he said that and he met my eyes. The vulnerability swirling in the shocked me. "I push everyone away except you. I don't like pushing you away."
"Me neither." My lips turned up just a fraction.
His hand found my free one, his fingers entwining with my own. I liked the warmth his touch provided me with. "You are one of the most important people in my life. I love how I can talk to you and be with you and not have to worry about you having any alternative motives. To you, I'm Alex. I'm not Alexander King, the CEO of King Industries."
"I've never really liked the name Alexander." He laughed as I said it.
"Me neither."
A content sigh left my lips. "My mum was my best friend. I remember her showing me pictures of her when she was my age. Now that I'm this age, I remember those photos and when I look in the mirror... I see her. I look exactly like her."
"She must have been beautiful then." He mumbled, a soft look on his face.
I smiled. "She was." That smile faded when I thought about that day. "It broke me when she died. I lost my best friend. My whole life fell apart from that day onwards. I've only really just got it back."
I couldn't believe I was revealing so much about myself to him. It might not have been much to anyone else, nothing really important, but to me it was the start of opening up even further.
I trusted him. He had my whole trust. But no matter how much I trusted him, I couldn't share my past.
"I know what you mean."
I told him about my mum, about how she used to tickle me to make me laugh when I was sad, how her laugh used me to make me laugh and how I used to play with her dark brown hair every single evening while we watched TV. I told him how it felt when she died, how broken and alone I was and how I pushed everyone away except Morgan.
What I didn't tell him though was my mum died in a car crash too.