Today was still our last day in Texas and a lot has happened today. I did not feel good about my parents getting into a fight because of me. I just want them to be happy together, I felt like this was my fault. Even before today, I heard myself brought up in their fights a few times. I know they have issues but I really was not helping their marriage. Papa and I have not spoken to each other since he yelled at me, It has only been a few hours but I am worried he is mad at me and that is why he has not talked to me.
"Anyone want to play cards?" Dad asks as he holds up a deck of cards.
"Sure." Zack smiles.
"Uh, yeah." I reply. I was not really in the mood to play but I did not want to say no.
"No." Jack says abruptly. He sounded exhausted but also sad.
"Are you okay, Jack?" Dad says suddenly concerned.
"Yeah I'm fine, play cards with your family." He says bitterly before disappearing into the back lounge.
"Jack!" Dad gets up and quickly follow him to the back lounge.
I could feel Zack's eyes on me as I looked down at my hands folded in my lap, he knew exactly what I did. I felt so guilty, I know I caused this. I never wanted to hurt Jack, he did not do anything wrong, I was just upset. I'm glad papa wasn't here right now, he would probably be so mad at me.
After a few minutes I hear the back lounge door open back up. I scoot as close to the wall as pollisble and pull my legs to my chest, still not looking up. "Stella." From dad's tone I could tell he was upset with me. I think I might be dead.
I do not look up at him, I can not bring my self to. "Yes?" I reply quietly.
"What did you say to Jack?" He demands.
I felt so small compared to him. I hear Zack get up and leave the bus quietly. "I-" I feel tears well up in my eyes, "I'm sorry." I start crying.
"Stella," His tone softens, "You need to tell me what you said to Jack." He explains as he slides into the seat across from me.
"I'm sorry." I continue to cry.
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to." Dad informs me.
"I- I did-idn't mean to." I stutter out, "I- I was upset and I- I just said somethings I didn't mean." I admit.
"What did you say?" He asks.
"H-he came to see if I was o-okay," I start before I cry more, "Oh gods, I am a terrible person." I felt so guilty and full of shame, "I'm so sorry, it's all my fault!" I was hysterical.
"What is?" Dad asks in shock.
"I ruined everything!" I admit, "Everyone would be perfectly fine right now if it wasn't for me." I was sobbing.
"What are you talking about?" Dad asks, very confused and concerned, "You haven't done anything wrong." He informs me.
"You and Papa fight because of me," I cry, "You never come home because of me," I felt like everything was my fault, "Jack is sad because of me."
"Sweetheart, everything but the last thing just isn't true." Dad begins, "Our fights have nothing to do with you, and I'm so sorry you had to hear them, we always try not to fight in front of you." Dad sighs, "I'm really sorry that I made you feel like I didn't want to see you or I was avoiding you, I love you, and I am so sorry. You mean a lot to me, I'm sorry I wasn't spending enough time with you." He admits.
I slide out of my seat on the dinette and go over to his side. I take a seat next to him and hug him tightly. Dad hugs me, rubbing circles into my back gently. I cry into his shoulder quietly for a few minutes.
"You need to tell me what you said to Jack." He says softly.
I felt guilty still, "I-I said something along the lines of, you're the reason my parents have been fighting lately," I sniffle, "you're the reason I didn't get to see dad a lot, you're the reason he ignored me." I bury my face into Dad's chest, "I'm so sorry, dad."
He sighs, "I'm sorry too." He replies, "But I am not the one you need to apologise to." He informs me.
"I know." I felt so guilty, " I-I'm scared." I reply.
"Why's that?" He asks.
"What if he hates me?" I ask with a sniffle.
"He doesn't and he won't, that isn't like him at all." He explains, "He loves you, you're like family to him, you have this entire band wrapped around your finger." He explains.
"Now I feel worse." I bury my face further into his shoulder.
"Are you going to apologise to Jack?" He asks.
"Yeah." I sniffle.
"You should probably do that sooner rather than later." He informs me.
"I know." I mumble.
"Why don't you go talk to him." Dad suggests as he nudges me to sit up.
I sit up with a sigh, "I'm just worried." I admit.
"Don't be, it'll be okay." He encourages.
I was about to stand up when a thought came to my mind, "Where's papa?" I ask as I look up at dad.
Dad gives me a frown, "I don't know, he's with some friends." Dad explains, "He'll be back soon."
"Okay." I reply sadly.
"Hey, focus on one thing at a time." Dad suggests as he nudges me to get up.
"Okay." I sigh.
"Okay." He confirms.
I make my way to the back lounge door. I paused for a moment, not knowing if I should really go in there or not. The wait felt thick and heavy, I could cut the tension with a knife. My lungs felt shallow, I was panicking, I did not want to go in there. I took a moment to compose myself, I attempted to take a deep breath but the air was so thick I felt like I was drowning. I was stressed and I knew that I had to talk to him otherwise the weight of this guilt would never stop crushing my shoulders. My collar bones felt like they were about to snap from the weight. I took one more deep breath, this time the air did not feel nearly as thick.
I grab the handle of the door and hesitate for only a moment before pulling it open slightly. "Jack?" I ask quietly as I peek into the room. He was sitting on the couch, doing something on his phone.
"Hm?" He asks without looking up.
"Can I talk to you?" I ask quietly, hoping this goes well.
He glances up at me from his phone, "Yeah." He replies with no emotion in his voice.
I open the door just wide enough for me to enter before closing the door behind me. "Jack, I-" I cut myself off not knowing exactly what to say, "I'm sorry." I hang my head in shame, "I didn't mean what I said," I explain, "I was so sad and angry and you were trying to be nice, I should have never said those things to you." I felt so much overwhelming guilt I was worried I might cry again, "I said it was all your fault but it isn't, none of it is, I just wanted someone to blame and that was wrong of me." I was close to tears, "Please forgive me." I start crying, the tears were streaming down my face and I felt pathetic.
He does not say anything, however, I hear movement in the room so I know something is happening. A moment later I feel his arms wrap around me in a hug. I hug him back tightly, "I'm so sorry." I sob, "I'm so sorry that I said all those things, please don't hate me."
He hushes me softly before speaking, "It's okay, I forgive you." He explains comfortingly.
"I'm sorry." I cry.
"I know." He replies softly.
"I'm a terrible person." I admit.
"No," Jack replies, "You're not, you were upset." He explains.
"I feel like it." I reply.
"I'm sure you do but that doesn't mean you are." He explains.
"I'm tired." I inform.
"You should get some sleep, you've had a long day." He explains as I pull away from the hug.
"I can't, Lydia said she would call me." I explain.
"I'm sure she wouldn't be upset if you explain what happened." He explains.
"I need to talk to her, she said we would talk every day." I explain.
"Why don't you sleep with your ringer on?" He suggests.
"Because then I would wake everyone else up." I reply.
"Then just call her first." He suggests.
"She was busy when I called her earlier, I don't want to bother her again." I explain, "I'll just sleep later." I declare.
"Okay," He gives me a sympathetic smile, "Wanna play cards while you wait?" He asks.
"Yeah." I reply as I wipe any moisture from my eyes.
"Let's go see if Alex still wants to play." With that, we left the back lounge.
"Hey, dad." I saw as I take a seat across the dinette from him.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Wanna play cards? Jack and I made up." I explain.
Dad glances between Jack and me, "That's great." He smiles, "What do you want to play?" He asks.
I let out a yawn, "Go fish?" I ask.
"Not either of your favorites, spoons or nasty neighbor?" He asks.
"Nah, too high energy." I shrug.
"You sure you don't want to sleep?" He asks, I shake my head, "Okay." Dad shrugs before passing me the deck.
I shuffle the cards before dealing seven to each person playing. I set the rest of the deck in the middle of the table before picking up my hand. I had one pair so I set them down as a match in front of me.
"Got any sevens?" I ask Jack.
"Go fish." He replies.
I reach over and draw a card from the deck that gives me a pair of fives. I set down the pair as Jack takes his turn.
"Alex, got any threes?" He asks.
Dad hands Jack a three he had in his hand. "Stella, got any sevens?" He asks.
I glare at him knowing he already knows the answer. I hand him my seven and he places down his pair. Zack had come back to the bus some time during our game but he dissapeard somewhere in the back.
We continue to play cards until someone finally goes out. When that happens we count up how many pairs we all have.
"I'm going to go to bed." Jack announces after a few rounds of go fish.
"Yeah, I probably will soon," Dad adds, "What about you, Stella?" Dad asks as he turns his attention to me.
"I'm waiting on a phone call." I reply.
"Okay, don't stay up too late." Dad suggests before leaving the dinette table.
"I wont." I reply, not knowing if that was a lie or not.
I just sit at the table, extremely tired, scrolling through social media waiting for a phone call. Not long after everyone had gone to sleep Papa re-enters the bus after being gone for a while. He does not say anything he just walks past me to the bunk area.
Eventually, I run out of things to do on my phone and I just sit there staring at the screen in silence waiting for it to ring. I thought about texting her to see if she was still awake but that idea scared me, I did not want to bother.
I felt the bus start to move, knowing we were finally leaving for the next venue. The phone still did not ring. I was getting really tired and my back was starting to hurt. I decided to lay down on the dinette bench in order to spare my back. I held my phone to my chest hoping it will ring soon.
After a while, I felt my eyelids start to droop. I realized that if I continued to lay here I would fall asleep. I sat up and continued to stare at my phone, ignoring the pain in my spine. It was really late at this point but I did not want to fall asleep only to wake up and find out she called me a few minutes later.
I put my head in my arms on the table as I waited. Eventually, tiredness overwhelmed me and I fell asleep at the table.