a/n voila! I'm alive! And still writing this book believe it or not!
50.
TWO WEEKS LATER
It's cold in New York again.
Cold enough for me to stop ordering iced coffee. I underestimated the weather when I ducked out of the house today. Now my oversized flannel is providing no warmth. I wrap it tighter around my body, crossing my arms and clutching the piece of paper in my fist.
Emma and Kate wrote their coffee orders on the sheet of paper. I found it in my back pocket, yellowed. The words Harry is your boyfriend written neatly in faded pencil.
I'm lucky there's a coffee shop three blocks from our house. In the old apartment, the closest place to get coffee besides our kitchen was the Pho place down the street.
My boots tap at the pavement. They're cherry red, with silver sequin designs detailing the sides. I got them at Cam's thrift store. Bold, bright cowboy boots. Emma and I kind of bought them as a gag. But they're actually really comfortable. And I think they're kind of fun.
Kate teased me about them when I shoved them on before heading out the door. I reminded her that I was going outside in the cold to buy us coffee, something she could make us in our kitchen. Something she gets paid to do, and does well. She decided to be grateful and not comment on my fashion choices after that.
I finally make it to the coffee shop, bracing myself from the wind that whips at my shoulders. I pull open the door, the bell chiming loudly to signal my entrance.
A few people glance up from their laptops, but mostly folks are sucked into their screens and don't notice my arrival. The heat blasting from the radiator seeps into my skin and instantly makes me feel better. I sigh and adjust the flannel, uncrumpling the note in my hand and making my way to the front counter.
"Morning," the barista smiles gently.
"Hi there," I reread my awful handwriting. I scribbled down their orders in a bit of a hurry. "Can I get a chamomile tea, a double shot of espresso, and a coconut mocha," I look up for the last drink, knowing my own by heart. "To go."
She nods, typing away at the register. I take the moment to look around the cafe again. I haven't had the opportunity to really be in here yet. But it's so close to the house, and so cute. I'm hoping to come by more often.
My eyes land on a familiar face and I internally groan.
"That'll be $7.40, name for the order?" the barista calls for my attention.
"Quinn." I stick my card into the reader, pulling a few dollars bills out of my pocket to leave in the tip jar. She nods graciously and smiles a bit brighter.
"Thank you so much."
"Have a wonderful day," I offer and remove the card, moving away from the counter and into the sea of tables and chairs. He doesn't see me coming, his eyes glued to his screen.
It isn't until I sit down across from him, shaking the table, that he jumps and looks up.
"Quinn," he blinks.
"Wes," I respond coldly. He drums his fingers against the table. "What are you doing here?"
He shrugs awkwardly and reaches for his cup. "It's a coffee shop. I like writing in coffee shops."
"I mean, what are you doing three blocks from my new place?" I raise an eyebrow, tilting my head expectantly. He shakes his own, chuckling to himself.
"Believe it or not, my life doesn't revolve around you, Quinn. I'm just trying a new place out." His tone is dark, laced with some sort of annoyance. After overcoming the initial surprise of seeing me, now it looks like he's irritated with my presence. I lean back a little.
"I never said that. I'm just surprised you're here. That's all."
"No," he instantly disagrees. "You're upset but secretly pleased because you think I'm stalking you like some lovesick dog. I could care less about you right now. I'm trying to get work done."
I sit back even more, completely caught off guard by his tone. "What is your problem?"
"Nothing, you're the one that came over here." He rolls his eyes and turns his attention back to his laptop. Suddenly, it's like I no longer exist. He's submerged in his world again. I'm pretty familiar with the feeling. He did that a lot when we were together.
"I'm sorry about your dad, Wes."
He scoffs.
"I really am."
My mind is reeling. Trying to figure out why he's acting so cold. The last time I saw him, we were sitting on his apartment floor. That was the night he found out his dad died. He called me because he needed someone. I stayed until he fell asleep. I texted my own parents, and then they bought me a fucking piano.
My mouth twitches back and forth. "What did I do?" I murmur carefully.
His eyes snap up from the screen separating us. They're full of fire, but he looks more like a wounded animal lashing out than anything. "You weren't there when I woke up."
I can't help letting a small chuckle escape me. He winces at my reaction. "I'm never there when you wake up. That was our thing."
"Was?" He spits out the past tense verb. I pause, taking a breath.
"I'm not really at that place in my life anymore."
"That night was different and you know it." His voice is tight, dead. His words stab at me, cutting through my argument. He's right. Why didn't I stay?
"I'm sorry, Wes," I murmur again, this time not about what happened to him, this time about what I did.
He just hums to himself and looks back down at the screen.
A wave of self-loathing washes over me. I shrink down in my chair and fold my arms across my chest. After a second of silence, he tilts his head to the side and stares daggers into the laptop before him.
"How's Harry," he asks curtly.
"He's good."
"Good enough for you to be at a different place in your life?"
"Yeah," I mumble, looking down at my hands.
"That's not the Quinn I knew."
I wince. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean," he rolls his eyes. "You don't let people change you like that. You don't let people get to you like that, because that's when you end up hurting them, or they end up hurting you." He pauses, running his tongue over his front teeth and reading my expression. "I know you, Quinn. I know you, and that's not you."
I sit frozen, taking in his words. And then I slowly lean forward, until I feel the edge of the table between us digging into my ribcage. "You don't, not anymore, not like that," I rasp. His mouth twitches back and forth like he finds my words amusing.
"Twist the narrative however you want," He leans back in his chair, tracing his finger along the edge of the cup. "Deep down you know I'm telling you the truth. I always tell you the truth. It just hurts because I don't sugarcoat things. He's changing you."
"Quinn?" A voice calls from the counter. I don't move, the table still pressing against my stomach. There's a small smirk on his face. He knows he's won, even if I'm not on my knees begging for him to take me back. He's planted a seed of doubt in my brain.
"Good," I finally huff, wanting to wipe the smug expression off his face before I leave. "Maybe I want to change."
I stand up abruptly, the chair screeching across the floor as I push it back.
I don't turn to see his face as I'm leaving. But I hear him call out softly.
"Nice boots," he chuckles.
I stare straight ahead at the door, pushing it open and stepping back out into the freezing cold.
Fuck him. Harry's right about him, he's a snake.
I feel so gross. I try to shake it on the walk back to the house. But he's in my head now. He's got a hold of me. I hate it, but I can't help it. I hate myself. I hate how much I let him toy with my emotions.
I kick open the front door, which sends Leo scurrying for cover. Emma and Kate are cuddling on the couch, laughing together. When they hear me come in, Emma sits up. She looks concerned.
"Hey there," she starts cautiously. I huff and slump down next to them, setting the coffee down before us. My hands reach for the cowboy boots, yanking each of them off and throwing them back towards the front door. Are they dumb? Do they look stupid? I thought I kind of liked them but now I'm not so sure.
"Wes was there," I huff.
They're quiet, and then I feel Emma shift. She hesitantly rests her hand on my shoulder.
"Quinn, Wes is a dick. Don't let him get to you," Kate offers. I roll my eyes and nod.
"I know. He just always knows what to say and do to make me feel shitty about myself."
Neither of them really know how to respond to that. I'm staring down at my socks, but I can sense they're having a silent conversation through their eye contact. Emma's hand moves softly back and forth on my shoulder.
"Do you guys think I've changed?" I ask. Emma's hand stops moving.
"Yes," she declares. "Since this time last year? We all have. Everything's changed."
I turn my head to look up at her. Her long blonde hair cascades from her head and piles on her shoulders. Her eyes are laced with concern. She bites her lip and watches me, waiting for me to respond.
"Doesn't that scare you?" I whisper.
"Wow Miss Unpredictable sure is changing her tune. I thought you loved change, hated being tied down." Kate teases. Emma hits her gently on the shoulder.
"Exactly," I sit up straight, shrugging Emma's hand away and reaching for my mocha.
"Wes got to you," Kate observes. I nod a little. She huffs and sits back, staring off into space. "Is he still at the coffee shop? I'll go beat him up if you want."
Emma's lips draw into a thin line and her face grows pale. But she reaches forward and grabs her tea. "Quinn," she begs for my attention. I turn my eyes back to her. "The way I've seen you change, it's not just change. It's growth."
Her words provide surprising clarity. I freeze, mid sip of my coffee. Emma smiles gently.
"I know it can feel scary at times, but I want you to know, I'm really proud of you."
I set the coffee down, my eyes never leaving hers. I bring my flannel sleeve up to my lips to wipe away the mocha mustache I've given myself.
Kate slinks her arm around Emma's waist and places her chin in the crook of her girlfriend's neck. She grins at me. "Me too, kiddo. For the record, I like you better the way you are now."
"That makes one of us," I force a laugh.
"Growth is awkward, it makes us do silly things. It makes us hard on ourselves. Have some grace. You're figuring it out." Emma tilts her head into Kate's, lovingly patting the arm hugging her.
"Thanks moms," I joke. Kate chuckles. Emma gives me a stern look.
"Now go hang out with your boy," she teases.
I stand up from the couch, reaching for my coffee.
Resting next to it is the yellowed piece of paper. I stare at it for a moment, before picking it up and reading the scribbled words.
Harry is your boyfriend.
This is what Wes means. I would not have done shit like this a year ago.
But that's not necessarily because I didn't want to. I didn't do shit like this because I couldn't. I physically couldn't be in a relationship.
It took meeting Harry for me to realize what I was missing out on. It took meeting him to realize I hated how I was living. I was lonely. And it's probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm finally at a place where I'm feeling a difference in myself. A change. Even if it's a small one.
It's big enough for Wes to notice.
Fuck what he thinks. I'm really proud of myself. So's Emma. That's all I need. Even if the growth is uncomfortable, even if it's making me despise who I used to be. I want this. I want Harry.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket. I pull it out and glance down at the screen.
H:
Still want to walk? It's fucking freezing.
I smirk and begin slowly walking away from the couch.
"What did he say? Why are you smiling?" Emma demands, leaning toward me as I disappear into my phone. I brush away her inquiries with my hand.
"Nothing," I sing, typing out a response and sliding my feet back into the cowboy boots. "I'm taking the car."
"Don't crash it!" She instructs. I bat away her comment again. "I love that car," she murmurs to herself.
"I won't! Bye Leo!" I call out before grabbing a coat and keys from the hook by the door, waving and stepping back out into the freezing cold again.
Fifteen minutes later and I've pulled up to his apartment building. Emma's alternative punk-rock radio plays quietly behind the wall of sound the heater makes. Harry dances out the front door wrapped up in a familiar puffy green coat. He waves shyly at me through the car window. I chuckle and unlock his door so he can slide in.
"Good morning, Anna," he grins, buckling his seatbelt.
For a second I hesitate, watching him strap himself in, trying to keep his smile under control. My mouth twitches back and forth.
And I reach for his chin, tipping it up so our eyes lock. He seems pleasantly surprised, his pupils widening. And I kiss him.
This is the first time I've seen him since Halloween. Basically a month of thirty minute phone calls and texts goodnight. Neither of us really dove into everything said and what happened. But I want him to know I meant it, as much as it scares me. I don't think sober me was prepared to tell him everything I did that night, but it was real.
And now he's sitting in Emma's car with me, grinning ear to ear like an idiot while I kiss him, because he knows exactly what I'm trying to say. His hand moves to rest on my knee. He can't straighten his face out. Everytime I try to kiss him deeper, I knock against his teeth because of his smile.
Eventually I pull away, stopping a few inches from his face to give him breathing room. His eyes dart back and forth between mine, his face is lit up like a Christmas tree.
"Good morning, baby," I stick my tongue into my cheek.
"I like your earrings." He mumbles.
Now it's my turn to grin. The sentence is so simple, but it carries a lot of weight for me. It's a compliment for me, and for Emma. It's something he knows both of us care about, and he pays attention to it every time. Without fail, he praises each pair he sees.
I shake my head back and forth to make them dance. They're little blueberries coated in resin. My eyes dart down to his hand still burning against my knee. "I like your rings," I counter, seeing the ones he picked out for the Lights Up shoot. He drums his fingers, making the jewelry glint in the sunshine, and hums in gratitude.
"Shall we?" He proposes, looking back out toward the road.
We drive a few miles out of the city. He keeps his hand on my knee, staring out the window pensively, only to turn back to me smiling. It's a genuine one too. It makes his eyes crinkle, his dimples deepen. Knowing it's a real smile, makes my chest erupt from happiness even more.
He's happy because of me. I gave him that smile.
Eventually we find a quiet park, a few vehicles in the lot, people willing to withstand the cold like us. We climb out of the car. I sling Cherry over my shoulder, and as I make my way around the hood of the car, he automatically reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers. I smile shyly at the gesture.
"Nice boots!" He exclaims when he glances down.
I lean my head against his shoulder and let him lead the way down the path. It's worn and gravelly, the trees immediately swallowing us up.
The sun filters in through the birch trunks, creating fun patterns of yellow light on the ground. Harry sways our hands back and forth, slowing our pace down to a meander. There seems to be a silent agreement between the two of us. We're trying to be as quiet as possible, hoping not to scare any animals.
We haven't made it ten minutes, and I'm already pulling Cherry off my shoulder to film him.
"What do you see?" He whispers excitedly, glancing around the trees. When he notices the camera pointed at him, he rolls his eyes and grins. "Me? That's boring."
"I think you're the most interesting thing in this forest."
"That's bold of you. We haven't even seen a mile of the trail yet."
"Fine," I laugh, adjusting the zoom to a close-up on his face. He looks forward and continues walking. Cherry bobs occasionally with our pace, focused on his silhouette. I can barely fit his features in the frame, I'm zoomed in so close. "You're the most interesting thing within a fifteen foot radius."
"Sure," he concedes, turning to make a silly face at the camera. His eyes grow wide and he sticks his tongue out at me. "What do you want me to do?" He whines, spinning in a circle.
I know he's only faking annoyance. He loves when I film him.
"Tell me about Italy," I decide. His mouth twitches back and forth, and he looks back at the trail again.
"It was warm," he finally says. I chuckle. "And it was fun, but apparently I sounded sad."
"Sad?" I murmur, trying to match his pace as it quickens. I have no idea what sounding sad means.
"That's what Mitch told me," he shrugs. "On the phone, apparently I sounded sad."
I bite my bottom lip, "Were you?"
"Yeah, a little bit I think," he nods more to himself.
"Do you know why?"
He purses his lips and squints, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets. After a moment, he turns and looks at me over the camera lens. "I do. How was it here?"
I'm not going to push for an answer. There seems to be a reason why he's not responding. I shrug. "Nice. I had a week off, and then a project in Toronto. So I was there for a bit."
He swallows and nods, looking away, down at his feet.
I turn off the camera, suddenly worried that I actually am making him uncomfortable. His shoulders relax a little when I do. "Do you still have the purple?" He nods toward my hair. I shake my head.
"No, it was just a temporary color."
A sudden cacophony of barking comes from up the trail. Our heads snap forward at the noise, trying to discern what's ahead.
After a moment, they come into view. A mass of dogs, different shapes and sizes, straining at their leashes. They bite each other's ankles, yipping and barking. You can tell the walk has just started from how much energy they have.
At the other end of the leashes is a frazzled young woman, curly brown hair shooting out in a million directions under her green knit hat.
"Dogs," Harry hums happily to himself. I don't think he realizes he said it outloud.
"Excuse me!" The woman calls desperately to us. I nod and take a step forward.
"Hi there--" I raise a hand to wave.
"Would you two mind? I'm sorry, it's just. I dropped my phone somewhere over here, and I have all these crazy, gosh dang dogs. Ah, if one of you could, I'm sorry--"
"No, no, of course we can help," Harry brightens up, reaching to take the leashes from her hands. She graciously accepts, transferring the burden. Harry runs his tongue over his bottom lip, crinkling his nose and smiling smugly at me. I grin back like an idiot. He's just too fucking cute.
"You said somewhere over here?" I turn away and bring my attention back to the frantic woman. She nods and tucks her hair behind her ears. "How about I try calling it?"
"Genius!" Harry exclaims from where he holds the animals at bay. She gives me the number.
Even the dogs seem to quiet down for a second. Harry has bent down to hold his hand out for them, running it over each of their coats. The forest silences itself so we can pick out the ringtone.
And then I hear it, a soft buzzing several feet from where I'm standing.
"Over here I think," I call, moving in the direction of the noise. She hastily follows after me. I squat down to fish through the wet leaves, and then my fingers touch something cool and hard. I grin and pull it out, a vibrating phone.
"Oh thank God, thank you," she sighs, taking the device from me and shoving it into her pocket. She zips it closed and pats the spot lovingly. Then her head turns back to Harry. "Thank you both so much."
He shrugs. "Oh, no problem at all. In fact I should probably be thanking you for letting me pet all your dogs."
She laughs, relief relaxing her body. He reluctantly hands over the leashes, bending down to scratch one of the animals behind the ears, before making his way back over to me. The woman begins moving with the pack, barely able to hold them back. "Your boyfriend is very cute," she calls sweetly to me.
Harry tenses next to me. His jaw sharpens.
I smile and nod. "I think so too," I joke. She laughs again, and lets the dogs tug her away, back down the path in the direction we're heading.
They've disappeared around a corner, and with them, the noise. The peaceful bliss of the forest filters back into our ears.
I reach down to hold Harry's hand. It rests limply in my own. I look up at his face, my eyebrows knit together in concern. "What's wrong?" I murmur.
His jaw has gone slack, his lips slightly parted in shock. His eyes are wide. When I speak, his head snaps to meet mine.
"What? Baby?"
"You just...um, you just called me your boyfriend," he mumbles, stuttering over the words like he himself can't believe them.
"I mean, technically she said it," I chuckle, my heart beginning to pound when I realize what just happened. "But yeah," I squeeze his hand. "I did."
"Why?" His face crumples up. The teasing tone I have drops. I step so I'm facing him more.
"To confess something, I've been calling you my boyfriend in my head for a while. I just hadn't mustered the confidence, or, well," I feel my cheeks heating up at how childish I sound. "I don't think, it's just--"
"I know, Quinn," he gently interrupts. "That's a really big word for you. That's why I'm so surprised."
My mouth twitches back and forth, and I reach into my back pocket to pull out the yellow piece of paper. I unfold it, my hand trembling a bit as I hand it to him to read. He snatches it from my fingers, hungrily taking in what I'm presenting.
He reads it silently, and then his eyes stay glued to the words. He can't look away from the faded pencil marks. I bring my hand up to touch his arm, wrapping my palm around his bent elbow. His nose crinkles. He's blinking furiously now, eyebrows folded together.
"Harry," I murmur cautiously.
"How long have you been carrying this around?" He looks up, trapping my eyes in his.
"Since the tabloid," I can barely utter the sentence, knowing what memories it resurfaces for both of us. "Since my therapy appointment that day."
He takes a shaky breath and hands the paper back to me, his eyes never leaving mine. I fold it and stick it in my back pocket again.
"Harry, are you okay?" I want to reach inside his mind and try to figure out how he's feeling. He seems hurt. It's making my heart break. I squeeze his arm. I watch his pupils slowly expand and contract. I want to hug him. I don't want to hurt him.
He runs his tongue over his lips. "You have no idea...how long I've wanted you to use that word," he rasps, his voice breaking. I tilt my head. "How long I've called you my girlfriend in my head."
A cold wind blows over us, making me shiver with the trees. I reach both my hands up to hold his face, running the pads of my thumbs over his cheekbones. He closes his eyes and takes another shaky breath. And then a small smile breaks and he softly laughs.
"I never imagined it would involve that many dogs."
"Me neither." I smirk. He opens his eyes and looks down at me.
"Will you say it again?" He asks sheepishly.
"Harry, you're my boyfriend."
"Again," he orders, eyes gleaming. I tip my head back and laugh.
"You are my boyfriend and your name is Harry." I bring my chin back down to look at him.
"One more time," he begs, bringing his forehead down to press against mine.
"This is my boyfriend, his name is Ha--" He closes the remaining distance between our lips, cutting off the words.
He kisses me so intensely, I forget my own name.
My phone buzzes in my back pocket. I ignore it the first time, but by the third call, I pull away groaning.
"What is it?" Harry breathes. I reach into my pocket and pull out the device, bringing it to my ear.
"Hello?" I pant. Our breath fogs up the air, disappearing in a trail of steam above us.
"Quinn!" My agent's voice rings.
"Hey, Grace," I side-eye Harry. He nods, crinkling his nose and stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket. "What's up?"
"Are you sitting down?" She speaks tightly, like she's holding back a tidal wave of information. My eyebrows fold together.
"I'm not really in a sitting environment, kind of on a hike," I laugh nervously. Harry's eyebrows perk up. "Why?"
"Quinn," Grace takes a deep breath. "Grammy nominations were just released."
My heart drops in my chest. She's right, I do want a chair. "Oh," I squeak, reaching to Harry for balance. He grabs my arm firmly, holding me in place. "Okay."
"Quinn," she begins again. She's drawing it out, taking pleasure in my sudden anxiety. I want to reach through the phone and shake her. I just want her to tell me. "You're going to want to sit down."
a/n
Whoa a cliffhanger! Haven't done one of those in a while haha.
Song: "The First Time" - Miki Fiki
I HIGHLY recommend listening to this song because it is literally the exact vibe for this chapter. The lyrics, the music, just AH.
(I also just love this song ahah)
Anywhooo, thanks for stopping by, hope you enjoyed, see you soon :)