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I had begun playing the kazoo version of Don't Stop Me Now while my viewership grew, it was go time.
"WOO! Chat- okay, okay-! I'm sure you've all heard the news...!" I said all giddy, watching my viewers blow up into well over a hundred thousand. My heart huge, a shit-eating grin that went from each ear was shone while I shifted the stream's focus from the waiting page to my webcam. It was a happy day, maybe even the best day ever actually as one basically lifelong achievement was reached and I was hopelessly overjoyed. "Ten million subscribers? Seven Milion Twitch followers? I'm sorry guys this is..." I wiped an invisible tear from my eye, though that may have been fake the way I felt certainly wasn't. It was inane... To have this many people care about what I do, which is playing video games and yelling at the camera may I remind you. Their support, their love was so immense I... I just couldn't believe it as the beginning of every stream chat was flooded with Amazon Prime subscriptions.
"Guys, guys okay this stream will be a little special today since obviously this is something that doesn't happen often-..." I started, as most people had already realized the guitar that sat in my lap ready to be played. "I thought-! Okay and chat hear me out, that we'd have an 'all sorts of random things' type stream, so I have a couple of things planned tonight...! We will not be holding a raid..." I held the end of the sentence for a minute, seeing the disappointed messages roll in. "...until tomorrow. Four pm pacific standard time." And the messages were quickly shifted and flipped on its head while it was beginning to be hyped up, my grin growing larger as I had to start by going on and saying. "Okay, okay but guys... That's tomorrow, aight? I just thought we'd get all the sickly sweet personal stuff out of the way and then we can start playing games and everything... I can even maybe call in Karl and maybe George since I think they're free..." They were completely losing their minds, and chat was passing by so fast I could barely read anything.
And then my first donation came in,
Piepie418 donated 20$
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Congratulations Quack Man, so proud of you <3 My question; who was your biggest supporter when originally starting?
I smiled towards the camera letting the text to speech actually take over to read for me, my heart stopped before it was even done reading. "Woah jeez, that's a huge question without even thinking about it. As much as I have to say, my mother... There was someone who was there for me way before that." A bittersweet laugh escaped my lips when I realized it. "Storytime I guess chat get comfy, it's a little bit of a long one if you want to hear the full story." My energy levels completely just dropped, my eyes directed towards the floor when I began speaking. "So... I had a best friend growing up as one usually does." I was taking my time telling this story, even that sentence piercing holes in my heart. "She was the nicest, most beautiful singer and woman you could ever imagine. Like picture the prettiest girl ever, and scratch that because she was ten times that... No, a thousand times that." My breath caught in my throat, I felt like I almost couldn't breathe while I realized it more and more. "Always had a crush on her, and she's not probably watching this because we lost contact after I... After I got busy. I should actually call her up." A quick sniffle was let out, and looking back up they seemed really excited and hyped at the thought of me having a girlfriend.
I wiped the pricks of tears away from my eyes, I hadn't spoken to her in a while, maybe two-three years ago. The last time I saw her in person was... When I left home. I wondered if she was okay, I mean last time I spoke to her she was, granted that was so many years ago. It's just how people are, drift away after time. It happened to... Me and Aksel, though that was otherwise prompted. With me and her, it was a sort of natural progression. I wonder if she still remembered me, I wondered if she was the same as she used to be. "She was a pleasure, chat. Always caring about me, I remember when I was sick one time... She snuck out of school when she realized I wasn't coming in order to come over and take care of me." I shared, I had a lot of those little situations of her being my guardian angel. Like when she'd stick up for me, or when a girl started to flirt with me to only use my glue stick, she was there. I remembered every word she said, how she would make me feel so sheltered and comforted.
I remembered how apprehensive I got when other guys hit on her, and how superior I felt when she turned them down. I'd smirk at them, even if we were only best friends for just a moment I pretended to be something more as she'd make fun of me for making up my face. And bringing myself back to the present moment, donations and questions flowed in about her as they really wanted to know. I mean, yeah, I was a bit of a thirst trap if I had to be honest, and the prospect of a girlfriend or at least crush probably crushed or at the least piqued the interest of at least half my audience causing the impromptu response. The most popular reposted message was the simple text of 'CALL HER.' "Guys I... No, I couldn't. What if she's busy or..." I stayed quiet for a moment as my viewers were beginning to split in half. One side of people saying I shouldn't be forced into it and the others who think I should after how long it's been. Both sides I could understand, and taking a breath I knew today was a good day and not a better one to call her. Maybe tell her about what's going on? Hear her voice again... "You know what? Yeah, I think I might call her." With the confidence growing in my voice, and with my supporters cheering me on I thought having this be the start of the stream would be a delightful way to start the evening... Reconnecting... I liked the sound of that.
"Wait chat... I have an amazing idea okay..." I started, a childish grin growing to my lips as I clutched my treasured guitar a little closer to me. "So chat, I'm sure you all know Hey There Delilah right? You guys even liked it enough to have me sing it on stream one time goddamnit..." I let out a lighthearted chuckle, opening up another tab to get out the cords and lyrics since I had forgotten them over the years. And seeing it again, a warm chill was sent through my spine when I still remembered my altered version regardless of how many years it's been. "Well anyway, that song does mean a lot to me and the day I left her... The last time I saw her chat... I sang this song to her, recorded it for her in case of anything. I always wondered if she kept the recording... Though I gave her a special version." I played around, doing a quick practise as I tried to sin out the iconic line... "Hey there Y/n..." I creaked out, and I immediately tried clearing my throat as they immediately caught onto her name. My singing was nothing like it usually is, or really what it used to be. Probably the constant straining of my voice from my streams, the fact I haven't been singing that much either and the song itself was kinda demanding. I sort of skipped the whole song skipping to one of the most touching parts just to make sure when I got there it would really hit home.
"Hey there Y/n... You be good and don't you miss me, a few more years and I'll be... Back to you? And we'd be making history, like we do..." I wasn't even sure anymore, my voice cracking as I messed up numerous times in just three lines. I was so nervous, my heart was bouncing out of my chest as it was really messing me up. I stopped there, a nervous, dry chuckle falling off my lips as I was afraid of what she'd think. "Okay, not as good as I used to be haha..." Though, essentially every last message I saw countered that and helped build my feeble confidence back up that I literally just tore down myself. "You know what I've been stalling too long." I breathed out, still feeling all fuzzy when I picked up my phone from my desk. My eyebrows were raised though when I saw that Mamá had been trying to call me a lot within the past... Five minutes. Messages from her, trying to get my attention as she seemed to be watching my stream right now, begging me to close it and to pick up the phone. My smile fell, a dreadful feeling crept into the corners of my heart, as I breathed out to my viewers. "Guys something isn't right." My persona gone, shattered entirely as something extremely grave was forthcoming. The calm before the storm is what it felt like as I was dead quiet with eyes completely wide, turning my desktop sound completely off to not hear any of the donations that came in for the minute.
But before I called her back I quickly transitioned my viewers' screen to the landing page, "I'm sorry something is going on I..." I tried explaining to them while my Mother tried video calling me again, this time I actually picked up. "¡Hijo! Dios mío, gracias a Dios que recogiste." Her voice grief-stricken and I saw her face filled with tears, she wasn't at home from what I could tell as the deafening sound of a heart monitor was going off. "¿Mamá? ¿Dónde estás? Estás en el hospital, estás bien...?" My heart sunk, she looked so tired and so worn out I feared she may have gotten seriously injured. But she denied it, as in ecstatic movements pointed the camera towards someone I didn't expect to see as when I did I immediately became winded. Her gentle features, sunken in as she looked so frail and skeletal. She was hooked up to so many machines, so many monitors as I saw the look in her eyes when it looked like it took all her force to even move her glance. Tears built up in her eyes while she smiled at me, the feeling she had on my heart still lingered after how many years. Just as strong, no, much stronger as that yearning to be there broke me apart and made me feel like I was being split in two. "Y/n!" I cried out to the telephone, wanting to hold her and figure out what the hell happened. But just as I heard her heartline fall flat I was sure mine stopped as well as her eyes shimmered for just a moment before going... I wasn't even sure.
[ Son! My god, thank the lord you picked up. - Mom? Where are you? Are you in the hospital, are you okay...? ]
The life in her eyes just vanished, before my eyes went in a flash. I was speechless, while my Mother tried snapping her out of it. "¿Nuera? ¡Nuera, por favor, es Alex, díselo!" She cried out, doing her best to wake her up trying to ignore the flat note that was telling her what she didn't want to hear. Even going as far to call her daughter-in-law, nuera, because she really was like unofficial family to us and there truly wasn't anything else in the world Mamá loved more than to tease at my crush on her. Only hearing her use it now made my chest palpitate and sting that much more, my breathing unsteady as this wasn't processing. My anxiety became unhinged when Mamá dropped her phone to the floor and all I could hear were her desperate cries and the sound of people rushing in. My body was numb, cold, was this even real life? I didn't want it to be... Was she..?
[ Daughter-in-law? Daughter-in-law, please it's Alex he's here, tell him! ]
And even if I knew I had over a hundred and fifty thousand people in right now that just heard everything, I gripped the guitar in my lap, so many tender memories flowed by me that turned so bitterly cold. Breathing hurt as I tried to fight back the tsunami of tears that spilled out of my eyes every time I blinked to try and fight them off. A happy day huh? What today was supposed to be... And kneeling over, everything hitting me at once, I choked out a sob... And began to cry. Ugly sobs that started small but then became loud wails as I grabbed onto my instrument tighter. The same one, the very same one I sang to her with every day, after school, when she was anxious or when I was unhappy... She held onto this very same one, and sung her favourite songs to me, making me smile no matter what. Making the blues leave for as long as she smiled back at me, putting her classic spin on songs we knew by heart and even now never forgotten.
I remember, hah... When I dated this girl for two days, cried a lot after and was seriously distraught. If I could remember correctly I was what... Six, seven? No real comprehension of what love was, I probably wasn't entirely sure why I was sad, every piece of media said I had to be when getting out of a relationship so I was. Even if the entire thing was this girl telling me she loved me and then breaking up with me a little later because I 'wasn't what she was looking for'. Y/n, I remember that day when finding out about this picked up this guitar, hopping up on my bed while I sulked not even bothering to look at her. And though she wasn't entirely sure how to play, scratch that at that time she was entirely unsure with her only experience being watching me, she tried her best. Making up random cords as she went along she strummed while flinching at how bad she was doing, and even still I remember not sitting up to even look at her until I heard her voice. "When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me..." I think that was one of the first times I'd heard her sing in a not joking matter, genuinely pour her heart out to try and make me feel better. And when I heard her, that voice unlike anything I had heard before, or more precisely, unlike anything as gorgeous. "Speaking words of wisdom, let it be..." I remember looking up from where I laid, seeing her toothy smile with both her front teeth at that time missing. She was a much higher pitch at that time, but not that unrecognizable from when she would be older.
"And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me... Speaking words of wisdom, let it be."
I could swear when I closed my eyes I was still there, it was 2007, I was still short and she was too. She was there before my eyes singing the song she heard Mamá play earlier that day, her eyes slightly squinted as she smiled to try and get him to cheer up. My cries got louder as they trickled down to my jaw to fall freely all over me. My head was light and heavy at the same time, I felt like collapsing to the ground but at the same time, I couldn't move at all. Time moved so slowly, and my stream moderators ended it for me knowing this wasn't scripted, I genuinely lost... The most important person to ever touch my world. No... Who was my world for so many years, even if I've gone so long without her I found hope and solace knowing I would see her again. Visit her when I could finally come home with full hands, make her so proud of me like I always hoped. But she was gone. I never... I never even got to say goodbye. And from my phone that was still on call with Mamá, I could still hear her cries and people trying to resuscitate her to no use. As I still hear the flatline going until... They stop trying. And a heartbeat doesn't start again.
The pounding of my own heart making me reminisce about those times as kids when we'd cuddle up beside each other during films, I would sometimes find my head against her chest as I'd listen to her beating heart. A personal metronome, one that I never thought would... Ever stop. I would be so embarrassed always trying to hype myself up enough to ask her out, it never worked and now I wondered what if... What if she knew? Would she have rejected me? Would she have... Felt the same? I wondered now if she just disappeared. A joyful, lively person just... Vanishing before thin air never to be seen again as they evaporate alongside their final breath. All those memories, experiences and feelings... Gone. I was praying through my tears that there was some sort of afterlife, that's everything she's ever deserved. I wasn't an avid frequenter of any church or religion for that matter, but I hoped that she was okay. Happy and not just completely gone... What would have anything meant if it all just went away? What if I died too, as well as Mamá and she became forgotten... Her kindness and generosity never being remembered in anyone's beating heart.
I never wanted that to happen, she was too good for that, hell if I could give my heart, literally and figuratively to her I would. Tell her everything I didn't, share a last hug, song, moment... And let her live on. I wished, just wished... I clutched the guitar, so many notes it's played for her, she's played for me. She's sung along with and danced to, smiled and grimaced. Through pain, happiness, boredom and through life she was there. I saw her when I closed my eyes, so vividly to the point, I felt somewhere else. Somewhere where time never passed, where we were young and old at the same time. Rolling around in freshly cut grass and slow dancing at an elegant party. This was the reality I wanted to live in, I didn't want to open my eyes and let my eyes be clouded with tears to return to the hellish warzone on Earth. Where the one perfection it had just... Disappeared. No longer to do all the special things that made this world a special place, leaving it to rot as humanity itself burned itself to ash. I didn't want to wake up, I begged silently to myself to never open my eyes but even my own dreams turned on me. I tried hugging her, telling her anything but I couldn't feel her soft skin against my own, I couldn't bury my face into the crevice of her neck for comfort. And her words being only memories, memories that still loud and clear were slightly faded, and it was like she was disappearing before my very eyes even in my dream state.
She was like a hologram, perfectly there, I could hear I could see... I couldn't feel her though, no longer could she feel me either. Have her soothing finger run through my mosey chocolate locks and whisper into my ear the most comforting words I'd ever hear. Warm breath hitting against my left lobe, water particles making it slightly damp and slightly tickle. My arms around her waist while at our side, we'd watch Cars and laugh like children again remembering when we would fight over our Shrek blanket that she managed to find at a garage sale however many years ago... She wasn't... Real. But I still felt like she was there, a ginger feeling inside of me told me she was here and watching over me but... I dared to open my eyes, seeing circles soaked into my pants, puddles on my guitar but mostly soaked along my arms and face from trying to wipe that pain away. Trying so desperately to get it out of my system but it kept coming, tears kept flowing and my pain never ceased or got any better. Maybe got worse the more I thought, remembered, cried...
And as I looked at my hands, made fists in them just trying to make sure I wasn't just in a dream... I cried again, again and again... I didn't want to be in this real-life... Because a real-life without her wasn't life, most certainly it was a fate worse than death.
Ten million Youtube subscribers, seven million twitch followers, my happy day... Was it worth leaving her behind? Working to end up drifting away from family and friends to my work friends? Was it worth it? I open my eyes to my real world, my painful reality and looked around and questioned myself, was it worth it? People I thought would have lived so long, much longer than me, dying as I am left with all the regrets. All the memories, laughs and good times left for me to replay like a constant cinema showing of everything I wanted to return to. Things I could never return to.
My work, my dreams achieved so now what? The whole purpose was to return home with handfuls of everything, make them proud, make her fall for me since I didn't believe I could do it on my own as a geeky teenager. But what was the point if the people I was to return home to weren't home anymore... Left without me noticing for me to return to an empty house, no longer a home. Because a home is where your family is, it wasn't a place, there wasn't an address. And now, a part of my home was ripped from me, taking a piece of me with it and now that lingering emptiness was too much to handle. I tried catching my breath, I was sobbing so much I wouldn't even take in air anymore.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be...
Her voice sang, but I couldn't listen, her advice from when we were young clearly being said but I just couldn't take it. Because the biggest mistake of my life just flashed me, and that's what made this evermore excruciating. For what I hadn't done I regretted and what I should've done can no longer be said.
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06/02/21 - 12:41 AM
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