Under a hazy Onderon sky, Adhara tilted her head back and let her eyes flutter closed. Obi-Wan stood beside her, Rex and Anakin and Ahsoka not too far away, and for a moment she tried to forget all the pain and confusion that had infiltrated her life lately. She ignored that fact that deep down inside of her, she knew nothing could ever be the same again.
Instead, she reveled in the feeling of being back on a mission with her people, as if none of it had ever happened. Just like the old days.
"Do we have any idea where these rebels are?" Anakin asked, his voice an irritated growl.
Adhara squinted through the trees around them, reaching out with the force, but she couldn't feel anything. Although Master Windu had sent them here to train the rebels against the separatists who controlled the country, no one had told them where to find the rebels. Now, they all wandered aimlessly through the trees, hoping their enemies wouldn't find them first.
But sometimes things just work out, and Adhara was grateful when a rebel found them, leading them to their camp.
That feeling faded when Ahsoka's face lit up, a smile cracking across her face at the sight of a boy.
"Lux!" She exclaimed, running over to him.
Adhara stopped in her tracks, watching Ahsoka embrace the boy and laugh with him. He was human, slightly taller than her with shaggy brown hair and brown eyes like stones, softened by the steady caress of a river.
Adhara's lips formed his name. Lux. She'd never heard it before - much less from Ahsoka - but now she was talking to him like he was an old friend.
It should have meant nothing. Ahsoka wasn't Adhara's anything.
But the feeling still settled in Adhara's stomach, heavy as rocks.
***
Adhara tried to keep to herself as they trained the rebels, but for some reason she couldn't. She felt like she was trapped in a cube, with Steela and Lux and Ahsoka and herself.
It was a never-ending cycle she'd never wished to be part of.
Adhara stalked through the group, watching as Lux failed again and again to get the thermal detonator that would take the Droideka's shield down. His face twisted in frustration. Across from her, Adhara could see Ahsoka scrutinizing him, and she darted over to him first.
"Having trouble?" she asked, taking the sphere out of Lux's hand.
He scowled. "It's impossible to throw it right."
"Not impossible. Just challenging." She lobbed the detonator at the Droideka, with just enough arc and speed to roll through the shield and take it down. "You just have to learn how to master the strength of your throw, to get it just right."
Adhara looked around. Across from them, Steela threw the sphere, so it rolled just perfectly through the shield and took it down.
Adhara beamed, handing the ball back to Lux. "Hey, Steela," she called. "Want to help Lux? He's having trouble and I've noticed you have your technique down perfectly."
Steela grinned like a cat, sly and feral. When she walked over to them it was with a swagger Adhara couldn't ignore - it reminded her so much of the confident way Ahsoka walked. No wonder Lux was drawn to her.
"I'd love to," Steela said, barely glancing at Adhara - all she had eyes for was Lux.
Slowly, Adhara backed away. She didn't know where Ahsoka was, but she could feel her gaze on her - hot and searing as twin Tatooine suns.
"You're in good hands," she said to Lux.
He grinned. "Oh, I know."
She turned her back on them, just to come face to face with Ahsoka.
Ahsoka's eyes blazed in a way blue never should - like the hottest of fires, where it peaks azure against a smoky sky.
Adhara didn't want to admit to herself how burnt she felt by that gaze. How it scarred her soul, to see Ahsoka look at Lux that way, when it should be Adhara.
Ha, she thought bitterly. As if I have any right.
"What are you doing?" Ahsoka asked, her voice low.
Adhara pushed her detonator into Ahsoka's hands, brushing past her. "My job. How about you?"
Her skin felt scalded in every place Ahsoka's gaze landed as she walked away.
***
The rebels stood in front of them in a semi-circle, discussing their plans, while Ahsoka and Adhara stood off to the side, the holograms of Anakin and Obi-Wan hovering beside them. They had only been gone for a few days, but already Adhara missed the buffer they provided between her and Ahsoka.
She tuned the rebels out, turning to look at Ahsoka. Her friend didn't even look at her - instead she focused on Lux, who sat beside Steela, their shoulders touching.
Once, Ahsoka would have known as soon as Adhara's eyes landed on her, just by the thread that seemed to tie them. Adhara had always taken that for granted, how Ahsoka seemed to know exactly what she would do.
She'd taken a lot for granted, like Ahsoka's friendship and steadiness and by the Force, how their lips had felt together, like an undiscovered galaxy.
She swallowed hard, turning back to the conversation at hand. Her ears perked at Anakin's low murmur.
"Ahsoka, remember what I told you about staying focused."
"I can't help it, Master," Ahsoka whispered back.
"I understand."
"You do?"
"I do. But try to remember, always put purpose ahead of your feelings."
Adhara exhaled, letting his words sink into her skin like rain soaking into her pores. She tried to internalize it. Wasn't it exactly what she had told herself over and over again for years as a youngling, and now as a padawan?
Purpose over passion.
Purpose over everything.
Including Ahsoka.
So why did it feel impossible? Why did that train of thought now feel like a betrayal?
"Everything okay, Adhara?" Obi-Wan asked from beside her, looking at her with his ever-knowing eyes.
Adhara set her jaw. Gritted her teeth. And tried to push the persistent hurt out of her heart.
"Yes, Master."
***
Over the next days and week, Adhara did everything in her power to focus on the task at hand as the rebels tried to overthrow the king in Iziz. She didn't flinch when Ahsoka rode with Lux into Iziz, or when they laughed together, or when she caught Ahsoka staring longingly at him. She tried to convince herself it hurt less, and on some days she was almost convinced she was right.
Yet, somehow, she knew that was a lie. Knew that Ahsoka didn't mean anything was a lie in cold blood.
But what hurt the most was the cold shoulder she fought off from Ahsoka, her back always turned to Adhara. The ice in her gaze.
Adhara didn't know how many times they could do this, go through this back and forth of love and hate, before something gave.
Now, in the dark of their hiding place in Iziz, rebels sleeping near them, Adhara stepped up beside Ahsoka, her heart in her throat as they gazed out across the city. It loosened with Ahsoka didn't move away from her.
"Hi," she said weakly.
Ahsoka didn't even look at her. "Hey."
"I...feel like we haven't been able to talk much lately."
"We've been busy." Ahsoka's replies were cutting, like a slash of a knife across Adhara's heart.
"I know that." Steel laced her words. "But that's not everything and you know it."
Ahsoka cut her a glare. In the gloom of the night, stars seemed to pool in her eyes, a grey glow slanting across her face that illuminated the curve of her jaw and the fullness of her lips. Adhara looked away.
"What are you saying?" Ahsoka asked.
"Lux, is what I'm saying."
"What about him?"
"There's something between you two."
Even in the scarce light of the moon, Adhara could see Ahsoka roll her eyes. "Yeah, well, he kissed me once. Then treated me like I was nothing at all. It's very confusing."
Adhara gaped. Something cold rushed through her, turning the blood in her veins sluggish. She was certain frost crept along her bones. "You...kissed?"
"Yes." Ahsoka's gaze was dagger sharp. "Sound familar?"
And that, to Adhara, was uncalled for, because hadn't they had this conversation before? Hadn't Ahsoka's own master tried to tell her the importance of their purpose?
Couldn't she see how Adhara struggled with it all?
"Why are you fawning over him, then?" Adhara snapped, rage boiling inside of her.
Ahsoka gritted her teeth. "What is this, Adhara? What do you want from me?"
Adhara scoffed. "What do I want from you? I think I've made my wants very clear."
Ahsoka stepped closer, so they were closer than they had been in weeks. This close up, Adhara could see all the different textures in her eyes, like waves lapping against the shore.
"No you haven't. Kissing me when you're breaking down doesn't mean anything. If you want something from me then say it."
"I want you!" Adhara said, fighting a scream as she paced away from her. Her ears roared. "Is that too much to ask? To want?"
Ahsoka looked at her with a furrowed brow, her chest heaving. Silence rang between them. When she spoke, her voice was low. "You told me we had a purpose. A duty."
"I know." Adhara's voice was raw; tears stung at her eyes. "But I can't listen my purpose when you're all I think about. When I'm in love with you, Ash."
Ahsoka gaped at her, colour running out of her face. "You love me? Truly?"
Adhara felt like her heart was breaking, falling to pieces inside of her. Ahsoka looked at her like she didn't know her.
For Adhara, Ahsoka was all that was familiar in a sightless, loveless world.
"Is that really so hard to believe?" She asked, her voice cracking.
Ahsoka snapped her mouth shut, pacing closer to Adhara, so there was only a breath between them. Adhara could feel her breath on her skin. Her heartbeat, pulsing on the force that tethered them.
"Addie, what else am I supposed to think when all you've done is push me away?" Her voice was little more than a whisper, and the pain in her eyes cracked something wide open in Adhara.
"I am afraid of what this is," she breathed.
"Why?"
"Because I should not feel this way about you. We are Jedi, Ash. There's supposed to be no attachments." Her eyelids fluttered closed. Something pricked the back of them. "But I can't deny you feel like everything to me."
Though her eyes were closed, she could feel Ahsoka move closer. Could feel her breath on her cheeks, and the way she fought the urge to touch Adhara.
"Tell me you can't have me, then," Ahsoka said, and this time it was a whisper, her hand reaching up to push Adhara's padawan braid out of her face. Her touch trailed fire. "Tell me this is wrong, and I won't mention it again. I'll respect that."
Adhara exhaled shakily, meeting Ahsoka's gaze. In the dim light of Onderon, Ahsoka's eyes glowed like blue moons in the dark. If the force was just energy, then the way Ahsoka looked at Adhara was magic, and Adhara couldn't imagine it - her - going away forever. She couldn't imagine a world without Ahsoka in it, and maybe it was time to stop fighting it, to stop fighting who she was - a person with feelings and emotions and love so deep it filled her whole. Maybe when something felt like that, you didn't fight it.
So she reached out and hooked her pinky finger with Ahsoka's, watching as her breath caught.
"All I've ever tried to do is follow the ways of the Jedi. To be the best Padawan I could be. But..." She inhaled shakily, meeting Ahsoka's gaze again, and let her irises pull her into their depths. "I think I'd break any code for you. Does that make it wrong?"
"No," Ahsoka said vehemently. "No, it can't be wrong. Because...I love you too."
Adhara inhaled sharply, stepping back from Ahsoka. "Ash. Don't play with me."
She could see Ahsoka's jaw lock. "I do."
"No." The word broke, and Adhara turned away from her, blinking back tears. A she could see was how Ahsoka looked at Lux and how they laughed together, and gods, somewhere at sometime they had kissed and had it been as perfect as her kiss with Ahsoka? Had it felt just as right?
Now she glanced at the girl she loved, fighting back tears. "You clearly love him." She couldn't even say his name aloud.
Ahsoka shook her head, holding Adhara's head in her hands. Adhara couldn't look away.
"It was just an infatuation," Ahsoka said. "Anything I felt for him... it was because I wanted a distraction from you. Because I have always been so hopelessly in love with you but I never thought we could be possible. I just needed to feel like there was someone else out there for me who wasn't you."
"And is there?" Adhara asked, her voice barely a breath. "Someone else?"
Ahsoka pulled her closer, so their lips hovered over each other, and Adhara was haunted by the memory of their last kiss, and how it had made her come undone.
She wanted to be pulled apart like that again, if it was by Ahsoka. By the hands she trusted most in the world.
"No there isn't," Ahsoka whispered. "By the Force, it's only you, until the end of time."
Then Ahsoka was kissing her, and stars were exploding across Adhara's mind as their mouths parted and their lips tangled. She wanted to imprint Ahsoka's touch into her skin so she would always feels her, even when they were apart. She wondered if there was a Mirialan tattoo for love, because if there was, she wanted it scrawled across her face, just for Ahsoka.
She wanted to shake the past version of herself who had ever thought it was a good idea to pretend she was anything else but Ahsoka's girl.
Slowly, they broke apart, exhaling warm breath on each other's face.
"Tell me this is for real this time," Ahsoka breathed. "Tell me you're not going to pull away and break my heart again."
Adhara laughed, and something pricked her eyes, like pent up emotion she hadn't let herself feel because she was supposed to have no attachments.
She'd always had attachments - she just hadn't let herself see it. Now, she refused to think of them as a weakness. Ahsoka could never be a weakness - not to her.
So she smiled at Ahsoka. "I'm done fighting it. Done fighting you. I don't want to be away from you anymore. It just isn't worth it."
Ahsoka snorted out a laugh. "Addie, that might be the smartest thing you've said since I've known you."
"Jerk," Adhara replied, and kissed Ahsoka.
***
At Steela's funeral, Adhara twined her hand with Ahsoka's.
It was risky, of course. But as she stood there dressed in black, watching Lux mourn for the girl he had come to love, she couldn't help it.
Adhara and Ahsoka had been a bubble ever since the night they'd let themselves finally be together, but now reality crashed in. Adhara glanced over to find Ahsoka already looking at her, her expression solemn.
Steela's death showed them all they had gained.
And all they stood to lose.