You scuff your feet across the ground again and pace back and forth across the vacant lot. Pony was supposed to meet you here almost twenty minutes ago. In the year and half you'd been together the boy had never been on time for anything. Why did you think today would be different? You figure he probably got lost looking at the clouds or reading a book or something and smile a little as you remember the things you love most about him. Then your smile fades.
Seventeen. You guys are only seventeen years old. He still looks at sunsets and does homework and has a curfew. How was this ever going to work? You give up trying to be optimistic and sit down on the abandoned bench seat that someone pulled out of a Chevy and dumped there years ago. It was Johnny's makeshift bed, and more than once it had been a place for you and Pony to have romantic moments alone in front of a fire so you could get away from Darry for a little while.
Darry wasn't crazy about you. He liked you at first but then he saw the way you and Pony couldn't keep your hands off of each other and he set up all kinds of rules about no PDA and the two of you not being alone together...ever...But, where there's a will there's a way you think to yourself. And you guys definitely found a way. Seven days a week you found a way.
As sweet and innocent as Pony could seem he had another side of him that only you knew. He was sweet and romantic and was always doing thoughtful things to make your heart melt. But you also made him absolutely crazy with desire and when he was overtaken by you he'd stop at nothing to have you. Since you were pretty much banished from the house you had to get creative. You couldn't count how many times he had suddenly pulled you into a closet or an empty room in whatever building you were in and dove straight for that spot on your neck that he knew made you crazy. Even in school, his favorite thing to do was pull you under the bleachers before a track meet or duck into an empty classroom with you during lunch. It was insanely hot and sometimes you secretly made a game out of seeing how long you could tease him for before you got a tug on your wrist and another door closed behind you. He even pulled you out a side door of the museum on your class field trip last month and the two of you snuck back onto the empty bus. You put a hand near your belly button and sigh. Maybe you should have just stuck with the class like you were supposed to.
A pair of hands slip around your waist from behind and suddenly his breath is in your ear.
"Sorry I'm late" he whispers kissing the back of your shoulder and making his way up the side of your neck with little nibbles. You smile and hold on to his hands as they wrap around you a little tighter.
"Wouldn't be you if you weren't late" you say with a small grin. He moves his hands to your hips and spins you around towards him, resting his forehead against yours and peppering your lips with small, sweet kisses.
"Darry wouldn't let me.... out of the house...until I finished...my term paper" he says between slow kisses. You hold in a breath and feel your heart drop a little. It just makes you sound so young and unprepared. Not that you were expecting him to show up and talk about his stock portfolio all of the sudden or anything. But still. You imagine Pony being late picking your child up from daycare because Darry was making him do the dishes or something and it doesn't sit well.
He notices that you seem distracted and backs his head away a little, taking you in.
"I'm really sorry" he says again, his eyes filling with concern. "Honest, Darry wouldn't let me leave." You shake your head.
"I know. I believe you." You suddenly find yourself angry with Darry for making you tell Ponyboy this news in a vacant lot full of newspapers and garbage.
"Then what is it?" he asks rubbing his hand up and down your arm. "What's wrong?" You feel a rush of hormones wash over you for the tenth time today and suddenly your chest fills with anger.
"I'm just sick of having to meet in places like this" you complain, turning your eyes away from him. "I mean, seriously, we've been together for over a year. It would be nice if I could actually go to your front door at some point instead of..." You motion over towards the tattered chair beside you and he follows your eyes and then looks back at you. He's taken off guard with this sudden complaint and for a second he doesn't know what to say. He stumbles over his words for a second.
"I'm sorry, I just...It's just easier than having to..."
"I know" you finish for him. "Your brother hates me and it's easier if you don't have to deal with him. I get it." He shakes his head. His eyes are heavy with regret.
"No. That ain't it at all" he says softly, dipping down a little to try and meet your eyes." He puts a finger under your chin and lifts your gaze towards him. "Hey" he says gently, coaxing you to look at him. "That ain't why I meet you out at places. I just..." His smile has an undercurrent of shyness to it. "I just like to be able to touch you and..." He looks you up and down and rubs your arm again. "Kiss you" he says leaning forward hesitantly. He watches your eyes for a second as if he's looking for permission and then leans in, kissing you gently before he runs a hand down the side of your profile. "I can't do that stuff around Darry" he breathes against your lips. Your legs feel a little weak and your defenses start to crumble again. "But if you want to go back to the house we can go" he says taking your hand. You think about it for a second but then shake your head.
"No. That's ok" you say staring down at the ground. Your stomach tightens. "It's probably better that we're alone right now anyway." You take a breath and let it out slowly and you can see the worried look forming out of the corner of your eye. "Pony, we need to talk." You feel his hand tense as his body freezes and your eyes flicker towards him for a second. He's staring at you and not breathing.
"Ok" he says cautiously. You know from his tone and the anxious look in his eyes that he thinks you're breaking up with him now and you want to fix it quickly but you can't rush this conversation. It's too hard for you to get through. You take another slow breath to steady your nerves and he lets go of your fingers, dropping his hand on the back of his neck instead. His voice is weak. "Do you want to sit?" You glance at the seat again and nod.
"Yeah. Sure."
He sits down next to you and before you've even said anything he's leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his mouth resting against his knuckles, looking nervously at the horizon in the distance.
"I don't really know how to tell you this" you say anxiously. The pit in your stomach is starting to grow. Pony takes a breath and drops his forehead onto his hands. He shakes his head back and forth dismally.
"Just say it" he pleads quietly. Suddenly he draws in a breath and sits up straight again, turning towards you. "No, on second thought don't say it" he asks you taking your hand again. "Look, I'm sorry. I know I'm always late and I've been real distracted with school work this year. I know Darry makes things tough. But I promise you, I can fix this. Whatever is wrong." he says with a smile that breaks your heart. "I promise you. I'll fix it." You shake your head.
"You can't fix this, Pony" you say, fully expecting to be able to say it now but he cuts you off.
"Don't say that" he pleads again. "Please." You see his body drop and it breaks your heart. "Please don't do this. I love you." You take his hand and hold it to your chest.
"I love you too" you reassure him. His eyes jump to you and dance between relief and confusion for a moment. You know you need to just drop it on him now before this goes any further. "I'm not breaking up with you" you sigh. "Pony...I'm pregnant."
His eyes widen and freeze, just like you knew they would, and his hand suddenly relaxes off of yours. It drops down onto his lap and he turns slowly and stares straight ahead for a moment.
"You're pr...." He lets out a breath and drops back against the seat. "Pregnant? How did..." The thought trails off for a moment and seems to circle back again. "How did...How?" You drop your head to the side a little impatiently.
"I mean, do you really need me to answer that?"
"But I used a condom" he insisted. "Every time!" You nod.
"Yeah, but they're not one hundred percent effective, Pony." His eyes dart over to you.
"What?!" You know you shouldn't roll your eyes but you can't help it. Why were guys always so clueless about stuff like this?
"They don't work all the time" you explain again to his stunned expression. His eyebrows are frozen in a confused pinch and he watches you for another second and then stares straight ahead again.
"Then what the hell is the point?" he chokes out in frustration. You shake your head, not exactly feeling like getting into a conversation he should have absorbed in sex ed, and lean back with him.
"I don't know. I guess because we'd have about twenty kids by now without them."
He glances at you and then stares straight ahead again as his breath starts to pick up pace. You're not sure what's about to happen but you're starting to get nervous now. He shakes his head, mumbling something to himself under his breath and then drops his head in his hands, raking his fingers through his hair until they rest at the top of his head.
"I'm doing okay by the way" you say pointedly, feeling his anxiety getting yours going. You can't handle more anxiety right now. You're struggling to handle your own as it is. "I mean, I feel sick a hundred times a day and my boobs hurt and I can't eat meat all of the sudden or smell coffee without wanting to vomit but..." He tilts his head to the side to look at you and you see his eyes drop to your stomach. He takes a breath and drops his head again.
"I just...I just need a second" he says slightly out of breath. You feel yourself soften again as you look at him, realizing that you've already had two days to let this sink in. And honestly, you had broken out into an ugly cry that lasted almost an hour when you found out so, comparatively, he was doing pretty well. Although you were pretty sure his ugly cry was on its way.
"Have you been to a doctor?" he asks, finally holding his head up again.
"No, not yet" you say nervously. You haven't even been to a gynecologist yet. You can't stomach the thought of putting your feet in those stirrups.
"Then how do you..."
"Four tests" you finish before he can ask. "Four different brands." He nods slowly and faces front again and you wait, not knowing what else to say at this point. For a long while you're both sitting quietly, too many things running through your minds at once. Finally, he shakes his head and drops his hands on his lap.
"Sorry. I just..." he lets out a breath "I don't think I can do this."
Your brain stutters for a second as you try to process what he just said.
"Excuse me?" He immediately picks up on your tone and tries to back pedal.
"No, I don't mean it like that."
"You don't think you can do this?!" He puts a hand to his head and closes his eyes.
"Shit."
"Well, it's great that you have that choice, Pony, because I sure as hell don't."
"No, that's not what I meant" he insists, his tone getting desperate. You can't hear the pleading quality to his voice though. You only hear the words that he can't take back now. It was exactly the wrong thing to say to you.
He tries to reach out for your hand but you yank it away and stand up. Tears are starting to fill your eyes and you're too mad at him to let him see you're hurt.
"I'm gonna go" you say avoiding eye contact. He stands up and reaches for you again, holding on to your arm.
"No, don't go. I didn't mean...."
"Pony" you look at his hand with heavy warning and he sighs and drops it.
"I want to be alone for a little while" you say, cursing your voice as it cracks a little. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt and drops his head back in frustration.
"Dammit. No. I'm not letting you walk away. I'm sorry" he says picking up volume. "Ok? I'm sorry. I really am. But, Jesus, how did you expect me to react? This wasn't..." He takes a breath and looks around at the lot. His voice softens. "This wasn't supposed to happen."
You stare at the ground, absorbing the pain in your chest. How did you expect him to react? Judging from the let-down you were feeling right now it seemed like you were hoping for him to be happy. Were you? At seventeen? Still, it felt a lot like everything was about him right now and you couldn't handle that. You really did need to be alone. You sigh and hold your hands up.
"Pony, I just can't do this right now" you mutter. "I'm sorry that I sprung this on you and I don't know how I expected you to react" you admit. "But I need to sort my own shit out too right now and I just...I need to be alone. Please." He stares at you blankly and you wait a second and then turn away from him and head out into the street. He calls after you but you don't respond. Part of you is surprised that he's not following you. It's not like him to ever let you walk away and it starts to feed your insecurity about what's going to happen between you two now. Your heart feels empty.
Three hours later you're at home lying in bed listening to the phone ring for the tenth time in the last hour. Your father's voice hums softly from the other room and you hear him tell the caller that you're not feeling well and not able to come to the phone. He ends with "you need to stop calling, son." You sigh and roll over, pulling the covers up to your neck. You haven't told your father yet and the thought of doing that now seems worse somehow. You had the distinct feeling that you were letting down everyone around you in some way and it was the worst kind of lonely you'd ever felt.
The next morning you wake up the same way you've woken up every morning for the last week. With your head in the toilet. Your father is making eggs downstairs and it's making the nausea so much worse today. You cover your mouth and nose with your hand and try taking a slow breath. You can't be late for school again. You're one tardy away from another detention. You stubbornly try to overcome the morning sickness with sheer will power and push yourself up off the floor, heading for the closet full of clothes that you know won't fit you soon. It takes you longer to get ready for school again but you make it this time. You're out the door on time and when you get to school you even have time to get to your locker today. Finally, you're doing something right. As you pull your locker door open, a note slips to the floor at your feet. You look around you and then stoop down to pick it up.
I know I was a jerk last night. I just want you to know that I'm sorry and I love you with everything I have. Forgive me?
You sigh and push your locker shut and Pony is suddenly beside you. He's holding a flower that still has some roots and dirt at the bottom from whatever garden bed he pulled it out of and you hold back a smile. He hands the flower to you with a hopeful look in his eye and then pulls a second, smaller one out from behind his back. It's a miniature version of the first flower and you instantly get it.
"One for you, one for the..."
"Baby" you finish for him, nodding your head and letting the smile grow this time. "I get it." He smiles back at you and leans against the locker with his hands in pockets.
"I figure I owe you both an apology" he says with a tone so heavy in remorse that you find yourself wanting to comfort him. You look down at the flowers in your hand knowing you should say something but nothing comes out.
"How are you feeling?" he asks, cutting through the silence. You shrug.
"Only threw up three times today" you say trying for a grin but coming up short. It was still too scary to joke about even though you tried. He watches you quietly for a second and then reaches an arm over and pulls you into his chest, wrapping his strong arms around you. You didn't realize how badly you needed this but as he pulls you in close and kisses the top of your head you settle in to him and close your eyes, feeling some of the noose around your chest ease up a little. Somehow, when he put his arms around you protectively like this, Pony could always make everything ok.
"I'm going to take care of you" he whispers into your hair. You squeeze him tighter and he nuzzles in closer to your ear. "I'm sorry if I made you think I wasn't."
The bell rings and the bodies around you start moving faster as they make their way into the classrooms. Pony lifts his head off of you and brushes some hair away from your eyes, looking at you with a soft expression that melts your heart. He kisses you gently and then rests his forehead against yours.
"I love you" he breathes. "We're gonna be ok. I promise."
-To be continued...