Taylor's POV
'Call me as soon as you get there.'
'Uh huh.'
'Send your washing home every week.'
'Uh huh.'
'I mean it. I don't want you getting smelly.'
'Uh huh.'
'And eat well!'
'Uh huh.'
'Go to all your classes.'
'Uh huh.'
'And do your assignments.'
'Uh huh.'
'And put the toilet seat down when you're finished.'
'Mom!'
As if I wasn't already embarrassed enough by her mother-henning, Ryan practically choked on his own spit when she said that last bit. I blushed, glaring at her.
'And any time you want to bunk off sick and come home for family bonding time that's okay,' she added, then burst into tears.
I sighed and wrapped my arms around her; this was not helping. I was already terrified about moving the whole way across the country to go to Brown with Ryan, having her fall apart on me was not improving my outlook.
'Ignore your mother,' my dad said sternly, pushing us apart and putting his own arm around her. 'Don't even think about bunking off for a week. That place is costing us an arm and leg, you can stay for Christmas if you like.'
My mom elbowed him and tried to wriggle out of his grasp for one last hug, but my dad met Ryan's eye, who grabbed me firmly by the shoulders and manoeuvered me into the passenger seat of his convertible. He walked around to the other side, sat in, turned the key, and suddenly we were off. I resisted the urge to turn around and watch my parents disappear around the corner, but I did sneak a glance of them in the rear-view. My mom was punching my dad in the face screaming, 'He's my son!'
Good family image to be left with.
'You okay?' Ryan asked, glancing at me quickly before returning his attention to the road. It seemed like those were the only two words he said to me lately.
I sighed. 'Of course I'm okay.'
I could tell Ryan was biting back some remark, so I reached out and switched on the radio, then sat back and looked out my side window silently. Driving from California to Rhode Island was supposed to be an adventure, something to cheer me up and get me excited before we got to college. But if it was just gonna be Ryan and I giving each other the silent treatment for three days except for when he asked me if I was okay, then it wasn't exactly gonna be much fun, was it?
I sighed and turned to face him, putting my hand over his on the gear stick. He looked up at me, surprised. 'I'm sorry,' I muttered. 'I am fine though, really.'
Ryan gave me a broad smile and returned his attention to the road. 'Well that's all that matters,' he said softly, and I felt my tummy flip over guiltily.
I pinched myself surreptitiously on the inside of my wrist, turning to gaze out the window again. I felt the mental block I'd put up begin to break down, the twin chisels of Hope and Regret slowly but surely picking away at the concrete wall I thought I'd built around my past. I shook my head to try and think about something else; if I wasn't careful those liquid memories would start to flow through the cracks and that wasn't something anybody wanted.
I've never been the best at dealing with my emotions.
Ryan pulled onto the I-80, chattering on and on about where we could stop and whether we should take turns driving, and I pretended to listen, instead putting all my energy into the tricks I'd learnt for keeping myself... Well, sane. I wanted to turn the music up too loud and drown out my thoughts, but I didn't want to worry Ryan so I continued pinching myself in order to keep myself out of my own head, and smiled and nodded in all the right places. If I could convince them that I was fine, I could definitely convince him.
'Can't believe we're not roommates,' Ryan said suddenly, and I glanced up. It was true; after all the requests we'd put in, not to mention the closed letter that had been sent on my behalf, the fact that we weren't gonna be in the same dorm room was sitting heavily on my chest as well.
'I know,' I murmured, trying to put a positive spin on it. I was always desperately trying to get him to not worry about me, but it was like trying to save a snowflake in the palm of your hand. 'At least we'll be in the same building right?' And you'll be spending every waking moment with me in my room anyway, I mentally added. For the first few weeks at least, Ryan would be attached to my hip like a parasite. Thank god.
'Yeah, it'll be okay.' I could hear the doubt in his voice. 'You gonna see if you can get a place at the Daily Herald?' he asked, changing the subject and mentioning Brown's newspaper. I'd taken up writing as a coping mechanism when I'd been... Away, and it turned out I was actually pretty good. I was majoring in English, but everybody was expecting me to join the newspaper while I as at Brown.
I shrugged. 'I guess.'
Ryan was going into pre-med. He's scary smart and stuff, but has a serious inferiority complex when it comes to me, and in some sort of weird role-reversal, has taken it into his brain that all liberal arts students are going to turn up their noses at him for being a med-head. He's worried about any new friends I make from my classes not liking him. Whereas in reality, when he tells his classmates that he's dating an English major, they will probably laugh.
Jake's POV
I trailed along after Kelly, tugging my suitcase behind me and staring at the ground, keeping one eye on her black and green DCs so I wouldn't lose her. The airport was packed, and even though we'd just made it to the arrivals lounge, there were already people hugging and screaming all around us. I couldn't fathom their excitement. What was the big deal?
'Aunt Jessie!' Kelly shouted happily, and I saw her suitcase drop as her feet disappeared from my range of sight. I looked up wearily; my sister was throwing herself at our aunt, who grabbed her in a big hug and swung her around while Kelly squealed happily. Jessie was overweight but wore it well; her light brown hair was short and she was always smiling.
I picked up Kel's suitcase and walked over to where they were, stopping awkwardly once I reached them.
'Jake,' Aunt Jessie said warmly once she had put Kelly down, and opened her arms to hug me while I stood there uncomfortably, patting her back. She took a step back and smiled at me, but I could see the worry in her eyes. I knew my mom had talked to her about what had happened to me since he left, but I think she was still a little shocked at how much I'd changed. I tried to force a smile, but it felt like it would crack my face, so I stopped.
Kelly linked her arm though our aunt's and started pulling her towards the exit, chattering on and on about this and that, while I followed in grateful silence with the suitcases.
'You guys can stay with me tonight and we'll get you settled into the dorms tomorrow,' Jessie said as she pulled out of the airport parking lot and onto the road. I stared out the window from the back seat as we sped along towards Providence, where Jessie lived. Kelly was sitting in the passenger seat, giggling over the radio stations and basically doing her best to distract our concerned aunt from me.
'Is there anything you guys would like to do tonight, or just crash?' Jessie was saying, and I noticed we were pulling into the driveway of a semi-detached two-story with a neat lawn and flowers in window boxes on the sills. I felt like a dark cloud that had gotten somehow lost and ended up floating aimlessly around a bright sunny day.
'I think we'll just crash,' Kelly was saying, and I knew she was thinking of me. There would be plenty of time for Kel to go off and explore once we moved into our dorms and she wouldn't have to worry about me being plunged into a deeper depression by some little thing that reminded me of him. 'We're pretty tired from the flight.'
'I understand. That flight tires me out whenever I take it too. Is pizza okay for dinner?' Jessie unlocked the door of the house and we stepped into the cool, dark interior. Right in front of us was the stairs, and a hallway stretched back to what I assumed were the kitchen and living room.
Kelly nodded. 'Pizza's always good,' she grinned, answering for both of us, but Jessie looked pointedly at me.
'What about you, Jake? What would you like for dinner?'
I looked up – I have developed a habit of looking at the ground no matter what the situation – and blinked. 'I think I'll just go to bed,' I recited, then hesitated; I was a guest. 'If that's okay.'
Jessie pursed her lips; I could tell she was less than pleased with the new me. But she smiled sadly and pointed towards the stairs. 'You can take the third room on the right, honey,' she said indulgently, and I grabbed my suitcase, leaving Kelly's in the hallway, to make my way up the stairs.
By the time I had dropped my suitcase I was beginning to feel waves of lethargy and exhaustion wash over me, and I dropped onto the bed as blackness started to encroach on my vision. Grateful that I wouldn't have to lay in bed and think, but still dreading the nightmares, I let sleep take hold of me and fell backwards onto the pillows still fully dressed.
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'Um, Taylor?' I looked down at the duvet for a second and then back at him. I was nervous, and I could feel the butterflies dancing in my tummy. 'Is there, like... Is there anything you want to tell me?'
I hesitated, but he didn't say anything. He looked totally shocked, he looked sick.
'I mean, about why you were at Pressure,' I added, then lifted my gaze so I was looking him in the eye.
Taylor swallowed. He looked like he was having some sort of internal debate, berating himself for something he hadn't even done. He opened his mouth after a moment and managed to stutter, 'I'm... Um. Jake. I'm gay...'
I forced myself not to smile; I still didn't know anything for sure. I didn't want to react before I knew for a fact what was going on in his head. In his heart. 'Okay. Cool. And, is there anything else?'
Now he looked confused, and I realised I'd have to elaborate.
'It's just, Kelly said – well she didn't – didn't say anything outright – she sort of implied something...'
Taylor's eyes glossed over with tears of humiliation and his face heated up and turned red. His eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at my face.
'Taylor,' I said. 'Would you just look at me?'
He bit his lip in a effort to stop the tears from falling, and raised his eyes so he was looking at me. I was nervous but I could see that he was feeling completely tortured and I wished he'd just spit it out already so we could end this. Begin it. I hated seeing him in pain.
'Taylor, just tell me the truth,' I said, and my eyes locked on his so he couldn't look away again.
'I think,' he started, but stopped. My tummy was in my throat. 'I know... I'm in love with you,' he whispered.
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I woke up curled into a tight ball in the middle of the bed, covered in a sheen of cold sweat. Feeling the salty tears begin to fall, I bit my lip hard and squeezed my eyes tight shut, trying to block out the images and the memories.
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Posted early due to popular demand haha :)