Art: Suitengu's Torch by Noah Bradley
The air was warm and dry, but the thin cotton was expertly made to combat this. I pulled at the sleeves of the top, finding the cuffs looser than I would have liked. It would have to work for now. Next, I pulled on a red vest that was a brighter hue than the top, finally finishing the ensemble by wrapping a sash around my waist.
The silky material of the sash was light and purely there for aesthetic purposes. After so much time in my Earth Kingdom clothes with belts upon belts wrapped around my waist, holding water pouches and weapons and bags for loose change, it felt strange to be so loose. One would assume being in the Fire Nation should mean I had more reason for those things. We weren't there for a fight, though, not yet. We had to blend in, and people on the mainland didn't have a reason to fight.
Nevertheless, I shoved a dagger – Jet's dagger – into my boot. If something did happen, at least I had something on me.
Before long, everyone was dressed in a new set of Fire Nation clothes. It was odd to see my siblings in red, but they didn't look half bad, if not mildly out of place. Once we all looked convincing enough, we set off to the nearby city to find some food.
When we entered, I found that they were nearly as bad as Iroh when there were was an opportunity to waste their money. Katara stopped almost instantly at a jewelry booth, eyeing the necklaces. The others acted nearly as fast to purchase their own accessories. I was close to passing it up but paused when I saw some red cuffs which could fix my loose sleeve problem. At least they could help me, and while I was buying them, I might as well get the gold accessory for my topknot.
Once we were all satisfied with our appearances, we moved on to find something to eat. We came across a slight problem when we found most of the restaurants in this town only sold meat which, as I'd forgotten, Aang didn't eat. He opted to hold back and find something else while we went in. I wasn't a big fan of the plan but went along with it nonetheless.
My concern faded momentarily as I watched my siblings try to eat spicy food. Toph and I had quite a bit of fun teasing them. When we were done, we paid then went out to collect Aang again.
My concern instantly returned. He wasn't outside the shop.
"He probably just went looking for some lettuce in the trash or something," Sokka attempted to be the voice of reason. He didn't fool me. I could hear his alarm growing as well. "Let's split up and look for him."
We agreed. It might not have been the best idea since splitting up the first time was what had gotten us into this mess, but I knew I could move faster on my own. The longer I went without seeing the familiar bald little head, the more I panicked. Then I remembered he didn't have a bald head anymore. He had hair, and he was in Fire Nation clothes. I could have passed him a dozen times already and not even realized it. I couldn't even call out his name; there was too great of a chance of it being recognized.
"Hey, you okay?"
I felt the hand on my shoulder before the words registered. My reaction was completely instinctual. The subsequent yelp and grunt were muffled in my ears until I felt the body crumple forward. I blinked twice, trying to understand what had happened. There was a male on his knees in front of me, his arm twisted in an unnatural state with his fist in my hand.
A curse jumped out of my lips, and I released him. The murmuring in the air caught my attention. Every passerby was staring. I tried to think of an explanation.
"I guess that answers my question," the man said as he got to his feet again. To my astonishment, he was chuckling and stretching out his arm. "You seem to be just fine."
Seeing the pleasant response of the man, the onlookers moved on and turned their heads away. There was nothing quite like the Fire Nation people's ability to mind their own damn business.
I, on the other hand, had more trouble taking my eyes off the man. He was young, not much older than me, if not the same age. He was Fire Nation, no doubt, with coal-black hair and the signature golden eyes. His skin was darker than most, brutality tanned by hard work in the sun. He also bore a kind smile, something I hadn't seen much of around here. At least, this was what I told myself. It was the reasoning behind why he felt so familiar. Kindness can be enamoring.
"I'm sorry, but you really shouldn't be grabbing strangers," I said, eyeing the way he rolled his shoulder, checking its rotation.
Another chuckle left his mouth. He looked at me through a quietly cautious gaze. "You aren't from around here, are you?"
"What?" I knew this was a bad idea. We didn't look Fire Nation. I could walk and talk the right way, but how many people in the mainland had blue eyes and dark skin. I hadn't expected to be picked out this quickly, though.
"I've seen your type before." His eyes flicked over my features. I held my breath, waiting for the accusation. It never came. "Colonial, huh?" he asked, finally dropping his arm.
"Colonial?" I repeated.
He nodded as his smile widened. "One of your parents must have been what? Water Tribe? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never seen or heard of anyone in the Earth Kingdom with blue eyes, but I've never met someone from the Water Tribe either."
I narrowed my gaze at him. "I'm not saying what you're saying is true, but if you haven't met anyone with Water Tribe heritage, then...what do you mean by seeing my type before?"
"Oh," he scrubbed at the back of his neck, cringing slightly at the ache in his bad shoulder. "I didn't mean anything by it. I, uh, just meant you look like a colonial. Kind of skittish, you know?"
I took a slow step forward. He had about two inches on me, but my height was not enough to cancel my threat. "Do I look 'skittish' to you?"
He raised a brow but did not cower as I would have expected. "No, not at all," he said with an air of warmth that did not at all fit this situation. "You look more like someone who'd pick a fight with an empty room. Colonials can be like that. I can't imagine having to live there, constantly feeling under threat. It must drive you insane."
A frown spread across my face. I tilted my head, taking in his features. His jaw was loose, not bitten hard by stress, and his eyes soft, like warm honey. He hadn't seen war before. "And who exactly are you?"
"Right, where are my manners," he chuckled at himself. He dragged his hand across his pants, dusting off any dirt before holding it out to me. "Takumi."
I stared down at his hand. It wasn't a proper Fire Nation greeting; they usually bowed. Was he trying to accommodate because he thought I was part Water Tribe? He said he'd never met someone from the Water Tribe though, how would he know our greetings?
There was another slew of laughter, this one louder and more genuine than all of the others. "It's okay. It's not a trick."
My eyes snapped back up to his. His kind eyes were throwing me off. He looked...honest. Using any sort of waterbending here seemed like a stupid idea, but I reached out nonetheless, feeling for his heartbeat. It was steady. He was either a pathological liar or incredibly truthful. Deciding to take the risk, I held out my hand to match his. I wasn't really sure what to do next.
He bit his lip, trying not to laugh again as he reached out and took my hand, giving it three solid shakes. "It's nice to meet you...whatever your name is."
"Oh! Uh-" My hand tore from his and instinctually went to my necklace. "Yin, my name is Yin."
He eyed my necklace, and suddenly it felt like a very personal thing to have sitting out in the open. "Yin, huh? Is there a Yang to that Yin?"
"What?" I snapped. It sounded like a horrible pickup line, and my mind instantly jumped to flickers of Zuko.
He rose his arms up in defense. "I mean like a twin brother or sister or something. I figured that's who you were looking for, why you looked so panicked a few minutes ago."
I again found myself reeling. I was so used to jumping to the worst-case scenario, although, in my defense, it had rarely led me astray. "No, I don't have a twin." My thoughts swirled past an image of Yue, but I pushed it aside. "I am looking for my little brother, though. He's about this tall, black hair, wearing a headband."
Takumi shook his head, his face falling as if he genuinely felt sorry. What game was he playing? "No, I haven't seen anyone like that around here. I can help you look, though. Thanks to the royals parading through here, my ferry home has been delayed."
I froze in my tracks. Seeing he had no information on Aang, I had been prepared to turn away and brush the stranger off. However, his words dug deep into my skull. "Royals?" I slowly turned back to him.
His face fell when he saw my expression. "You must have just gotten here, huh?" He gave a small shrug and nodded. "The Royal children just came through the other day on their way home. There was a big celebration over their win in Ba Sing Se. They were partying pretty hard too," he snorted and added offhandedly, "especially the prince."
My stomach dropped. "What do you mean?"
"Oh," Takumi straightened, his brow furrowing as he looked at me, "he was strutting around with his new girlfriend. They were everywhere together. It seems kind of quick if you ask me. I mean, he just got back from three years of banishment and already has a girlfriend? I guess that's nobles, though. They're always quick to pair off. And he's a prince. I'm sure there's a bunch of girls who were just waiting for his return."
I didn't hear much after 'new girlfriend.' The rest of his words were just buzzing in my ear. I think I interrupted whatever he was saying, my thoughts tumbling out of my mouth, "What- what girl?"
"Some noble's daughter. She looked really moody, but so did he – good pair, I guess. I don't remember what her name was." He gave a sheepish shrug. "I try not to pay too much attention to gossip."
Moody? It was Mai. It had to be.
A lump began to form in my throat that made it hard to breathe.
"We were childhood friends," he admitted. "She was my only friend, really." My memories were trying to torture me. "I did kiss her once, but," his cheeks flushed, "I ran away after."
He had that habit, didn't he? Kiss and run. It didn't sound like he was running away from her now, though. Now it was me, and he had done far more than kissing me. I trusted him with everything.
"I have to go." I turned away from the stranger and started to walk away. My head was still fuzzy and my limbs heavy. I stumbled slightly.
"Wait," said Takumi, reaching out towards me, "you don't look too good."
"I'm fine," I swatted him away. "I just- I just need to find my brother." I needed to focus on something else, anything else.
"Let me help you."
"No," I shook my head profusely, backing away. If this guy hadn't seen Aang, then I was just wasting my time with him. I wasn't about to lead someone from the Fire Nation right to the Avatar anyway. I had no idea who he was. He could be a spy for all I knew. He didn't look like he'd seen war, but I could be wrong. He could be lying. They were good at that here. "I can find him on my own."
"Seriously, I don't mind-"
This nice guy attitude was really getting on my nerves. "I said I don't need any help," I snapped.
He raised his hands once again, backing away slowly. "Okay, okay. Whatever you say."
I glared at him long and hard, making certain that he wouldn't attempt to follow me. Why did everyone around me think I needed help, even strangers?
When it seemed he'd finally listen, I turned away and continued swiftly through the crowd. I focused back on the task at hand. I had to. If I was nothing to Zuko, then he was nothing to me. I wouldn't waste another second thinking about him.
By the time I found Sokka, Katara, and Toph, I had a momentary lapse of regret for not accepting some help. Nevertheless, I shook it off and joined the others in their decision to return to the cave in hopes that Aang had gone back there.
He wasn't there when we arrived, and if it hadn't been for Sokka's soothing, I likely would have gone right back out to ransack the city for the Avatar. It also helped that Toph got annoyed with my pacing and locked my feet under mounds of rock. I glared at her for the rest of the evening, hoping she could still feel it even if she couldn't see.
I had assumed that when Aang did eventually return that night, all of our problems would vanish. I was wrong. I had forgotten what it was like living with the group. At the very least, Iroh and Zuko never threatened our safety because they wanted to know what it felt like to be a kid and go to school.
"I can't believe you actually agreed to this," I snapped at my brother. I had been silently hoping all night that somehow Aang would see what an idiotic idea going to a Fire Nation school was or that Sokka would find a way to stop him. Neither happened. I had woken up the next day to find that Aang had already left for class, and no one was bothered by it.
"I don't like it very much either, but I trust Aang," said Katara. "If there's any trouble, he can take care of it."
"That's what I'm scared of," I urged. "We aren't in the Earth Kingdom anymore. Being the Avatar isn't going to make him friends here. It's going to get him captured or killed."
"Maybe I would have agreed with you once, but Aang has a point too," Sokka spoke up. "This is the easiest way to get information. And I'm not too worried about Aang. He's grown up a lot. I trust him."
"I trust him, too." I threw my hands up in the air as I exclaimed, "It's everyone else in this spirit forsaken country that I don't trust!"
"Where are you going?" Sokka called after me.
I had spun on my heel and was already halfway to the mouth of the cave we were living in. "I'm going to go keep an eye on him."
"And how do you think that will protect him?" Sokka urged. "Don't you think people will notice you lingering outside his classroom window?"
I rolled my eyes as I pulled my hair back into a low tie at the name of my neck. "I'm not stupid. I won't be seen. I just want to be close enough that if he does need me, I'll be there."
"Kida, he's the Avatar! He doesn't need a babysitter."
I spun around. The chill laced over my heart as I glared daggers at my brother. "And we're in the Fire Nation. I'm not letting them kill him twice."
Sokka fell silent. I glanced towards the girls who still sat around the fire pit. Neither Toph nor Katara so much as looked in my direction. I took that as compliance and finally turned back around to head out.
It didn't take too long to find the school. The campus was quite large, spread out over several buildings, and located near the city center. It was a little startling. I'd been to schools before. The healing huts in the Northern Water Tribe and the palace courtyard where Pakku had trained us were all places I had considered school, but they were nothing like this. I was almost embarrassed to even think about the little igloo back home – which was actually a house of one of the elders – that we used to teach little one's basic arithmetic and reading.
Against the pit in my stomach, I remained there for most of the day. I had to avoid a few security guards patrolling outside the school, but nothing too extreme came up.
I was able to get close enough to see and hear a few things. There was the muffled sound of music from one building, and it brought me back to music nights on the ship with Iroh and the crew. I had always been so curious about how they played them, especially the stringed instruments. We only had drums and wooden flutes back home, and almost no one had enough time to play them, let alone teach. I also saw an art class through a window and was a bit more engrossed by it than I should have if I wanted to stay alert. I had never heard art talked about formally, nor had I considered any of the 'theories' mentioned. Then I overheard talk of history and language, and my head began to spin.
Was this really the life all Fire Nation children lived? They couldn't all be noble children; we weren't even in the capital. These were just average kids who wore clean uniforms and were taught more daily than I learned in my whole life. To these people, I was likely some uncultured, wild thing - a savage.
I couldn't take anymore after that. I had to walk away.
There was too much in my head. I couldn't concentrate on any one thing. The only thing I knew for certain was the chill in my chest was beginning to seep into my bones and make my body ache.
There were questions in the others' eyes when I came back to the cave early and absent of Aang. They didn't ask them, though. I had a feeling the expression on my face was fairly telling that I didn't want to be spoken to, and for once, I didn't try to hide it.
Without a word, I found a corner of the cave and slumped down onto the ground. I could only sit there for so long in my thoughts, so, eventually, I pulled out the dagger from my boot and found some driftwood near the mouth of the cave to begin whittling. At some point, Momo came over and curled at my side. The warmth of the animal was surprisingly comforting, so I let him be.
I hadn't made much more than several shivs by the time the Avatar returned. By now, I had assumed he'd come home the same as before, having had a normal day. It appeared, however, that I'd been wrong to leave so early.
"Did something happen?" Katara's voice caught my attention.
My head snapped up. I narrowed my eyes at the tentative look on Aang's face. He was already looking back at me. "Uh," he scrubbed the back of his neck. "Kida, do you think you could pretend to be my mom?"
The question flicked something on inside of me that I wasn't quite sure how to name. Nonetheless, I still felt some apprehension. "Why? What happened?"
"The headmaster wants to meet my parents." He dragged his eyes away from me to look at the others, likely where he thought he'd find a much kinder response. "I sort of got into a fight at school."
"What!" the word was chorused between Sokka, Katara, and me.
Toph only snorted. "Nice going, Twinkle Toes. I didn't know you had it in you."
"I don't!" Aang exclaimed. "I didn't do anything. Hide attacked me, but I didn't touch him. He fell on his own."
I was already on my feet. My body was trembling, fists white. "Who is this Hide? Where is he?"
"Yeah, no, you aren't going to play his mom," said Sokka, eyeing me. "You'll probably deck the headmaster than throttle this Hide kid."
I crossed my arms and glared at him. "You say that like it's the wrong way to handle it."
"It is!" Sokka exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. "If you go around punching every firebender you come across, then we're going to get noticed. Isn't that the whole reason you followed Aang to school, to make sure he wouldn't attract attention?"
Aang turned to me. "You followed me? I didn't see you."
I waved his concern away. "Not for the whole day, although it sounds like I should have. I would have dealt with this Hide and the headmaster."
"Okay," Aang looked back at the others, "can someone else be my parent, please?"
"What? No. I'm going!" I grabbed one of my homemade shanks off the ground and began to stomp towards the exit.
"Toph!" Sokka urged.
Without missing a beat, Toph stomped the ground, and the earth fell out from underneath me. I was swallowed up to the waist by mud before it hardened to dry dirt once again. "Toph!" I roared.
"What? I think I'm becoming deaf now, too."
"You little brat!"
"Hm, how sad for me," Toph hummed, not at all sounding disturbed. "Oh well." She kicked her feet up on a small perch of dirt she had made herself and leaned back.
My resentment only grew as I watched the others get dressed into horrible costumes. The blood in my veins was boiling so hot that I wouldn't have been surprised if I miraculously became a firebender just out of pure spite.
They weren't gone for long, and when they came back, Sokka looked heated enough that I thought they might have all learned some sense.
It was a dream which died quickly.
"A dance party?" I scoffed. "An actual dance party?" I kept repeating this over and over again. I couldn't fathom it, even as I helped light the candles.
Toph had released me from my muddy prison once the others returned, but she had nearly put me right back when I snapped at Aang for this ridiculous idea. It was even worse when the others, after some convincing, also played along. There was really no hope for me to talk them out of it after that.
"This time, I have to agree with you," Sokka spoke up. "It seems so ... silly."
"Don't think of it as a dance party," Aang said, overhearing us, "but as a cultural event celebrating the art of fancy footwork!" Aang hopped in place, showing a goofy move.
I groaned and smacked my hand to my forehead.
We were meant to be here to be getting intel, to be getting ready for war. If we were going to play into this childhood fantasy crap, we could at least deal with it more proactively, like putting this headmaster in a headlock and finding out if he could swim. Maybe that would teach him some manners. I might have gone out and done this on my own out of principle if it wasn't for my fear that it would somehow be traced back to us.
One thing did keep coming to mind as I watched this whole debacle unfold. It was something that Aang had said earlier when he was trying to convince us that this was a good idea. "Those kids at school are the future of the Fire Nation. If we want to change this place for the better, we need to show them a little taste of freedom."
For the better. I really hadn't been considering how I wanted to change this place lately. I knew I wanted someone to feel the same way I did. I wanted my mother's death to finally be avenged. I wanted the Fire Nation to know they made a mistake by ever going after anyone I loved.
Aang's words just kept running through my head even as the children arrived, and I watched them all dance and feel freedom for the first time. They were included in the Fire Nation, weren't they? Did I really want them to feel my pain?
I knew what my answer would have been a few months ago. "You already gave him enough, Kida. Don't give him your humanity, too. You aren't a hateful person."
I turned away from the display of Aang and Katara dancing, taking a long chug from my cup of juice. The children would be free. They had done nothing wrong, but their parents weren't all innocent. Ozai hadn't marched across the Earth Kingdom all by himself.
Just thinking about the Fire Lord churned my stomach. The cave felt impossibly hot, as if it were lit by molten lava instead of candles. I needed some air.
I walked out back where I found Appa lying among the tall cliff rocks. I gave the beast a pat on the head as I passed. "It's okay, buddy, they'll be done soon ... I hope." Appa gave a little groan, and I rubbed his head once more before moving on.
I broke past the little cove of rocks and onto the rocky shore. The brisk wind broke off the ocean waves and riffled through my hair. I shivered at the feel of the air on my bare neck, not even a tail of hair to block it. The weight of all of my hair on the top of my head suddenly felt monuments; I began to tug at the hairpiece and tie.
My fingers were trembling before I even touched my hair. They wouldn't work for me for some reason. I tugged and tugged and felt it strain against my skull. Finally, the tie broke loose, and my hair began to fall, but the gold headpiece remained tangled.
My frustration grew. I tugged harder and harder until I heard the strands tearing. The headpiece was loose. I looked down at it, strands of hair wrapped around the shiny gold. It seemed crude in some way, my hair sullying the beautiful piece. I knew it likely wasn't even real gold. I couldn't afford that. I wasn't a princess or some noble's daughter; I was a warrior whose only knowledge came from battle - a savage.
I tried to clean up the headpiece, and it shined once again. Even fake, it was beautiful. With a burst of heat in my muscles, I balled up my fist and threw it into the ocean.
The large waves swallowed up the gold like it was a speck of dirt.
I turned my face towards the sea. It was lively tonight. Several feet away from the edge, I could still feel the crash of the waves on the sand, the spray hitting my face. At least some things didn't change.
The sea was fickle, there was no doubt. It was calm one moment and a raging storm the next. The life inside was diverse and always evolving. But it never tried to be something it wasn't. It didn't lie, and it didn't leave.
There was moisture on my cheek, but it wasn't the spray of the waves. I blinked, reached up, and pushed it off with my thumb in one quick motion.
Thoughts began to come to mind, like sitting on the ferry talking about Mai. "We were childhood friends," he admitted. "She was my only friend, really."
I had returned my hand to my side for only a second when I felt my other cheek become damp. I repeated the same action as before, blinking twice now.
The memory of sitting out on the balcony came next. He shook his head slowly and turned his face up to the sky. His fingers twisted with mine. "I'm not going anywhere without you. I promise."
Then it happened again, this time on both sides. It was beginning to sting my eyes. I brought both hands up and dragged them carefully under both eyes, trying to wick away any moister that I could.
It wasn't enough. It kept happening until I couldn't keep up anymore. Frustration twisted my face. I locked my jaw, trying with all my might to will it all away, blinking rapidly now.
The next memory was a much earlier one just after we'd seen Bato and I had once again boarded Zuko's ship. The first time he saw me cry. "He just left me behind," the thoughts which had been tumbling around my skull fell out. "Why am I not good enough?"
There was no helping it anymore. The growing ache in my throat knocked my jaw loose, and sobs shook out. I put my hand over my mouth, trying to cover it, but it only made it harder to breathe.
My knees weakened. I slowly sunk to the rocky shore. The waves jumped and roared, covering the sound of my cries.
A kaleidoscope of memories flashed past my inner eye, as persistent as the pounding of the sea but far crueler. They began in the days arguing with Zuko on his ship, which turned into evenings sitting and talking on my bed. The night we promised to be friends and the day we both realized we couldn't be just that. The relief I felt in the North Pole when I saw him alive and well and the longing of searching for him in my dreams. Every single day in Ba Sing Se, from running away from guards because we skipped out on our bill to dancing in the streets. And the nights...when he kissed me and when he touched me and when he made me promises that I believed.
Was he lying that whole time?
I wrapped my arms around my body, holding on so tightly that my muscles ached. My whole body trembled. The sobs turned to wails.
Two weeks. That was all that it took. Two weeks and he had moved on. I was nothing to him anymore. Maybe I had never been anything at all.
It was exactly how Azula said, I was just a plaything to occupy him in his exile. I hadn't completely believed it before. I hoped that deep down, he actually thought he was doing the right thing and had just lost his way. Now...now I wasn't so sure. He had used me, and there was a chance, though I still believed it to be slight, that he allowed his uncle to be executed for treason. He was not the person I thought I knew, and all I could do to voice it was scream.