Toni was shaking with rage. The hurt from Shelby's comment had evolved into something bitter and ugly. The list of things that had happened in the last two weeks cycled around her head over and over. Carol, Dot finding out, Shelby, the broken microscope, being kicked off the basketball team, and the list went on and on. Every injustice, small and big culminating in a fiery ball of pure resentment.
And now this long fucking walk home in the snow, in the dark.
Against her will, angry tears sprung to her eyes but she wiped them away viciously, dragging the cuff of her sleeve across her face. She couldn't believe Shelby. She was trying so hard to just let all the little comments and transgressions roll off her back but God, everyone was making it so hard.
Her jaw was starting to ache from gritting her teeth. Or maybe it was big fucking bruise from where she'd been kicked in the face. She laughed at herself, feeling borderline hysterical. Toni needed to calm down before she lost control completely; so she called the only person she could.
"Hey, Toni. What's up?" Dot answered on the third ring.
"Dot," Toni practically whimpered down the phone. "Can you come pick me up?"
"Yes, I-" There was rustling and banging on the other line. "I'm on my way. What is it? Oh God, was it Carol? I never should have-"
"No, it's-"
"Are you hurt?"
"I'm not at Carol's. I don't know its just- It's stupid. I just feel like I'm losing it and I need someone." She took a deep shuddering breath. The anger was still there but an overwhelming feeling of panic and dread had risen to the surface, making it hard to grip the phone with her shaky hands. "Do you know where Shelby lives?"
"Yeah we used to carpool," Dot laughed. "Look, try and take deep slow breaths, maybe think about your new girlfriend."
Toni breathed out a laugh at Dot's attempt to take her mind off her anxiety. "So Martha told you huh?" She managed.
"I think Martha told Fatin, so... That was kind of that for your secret. Toni I'm heading out now do you need me to stay on the line?"
Toni felt like she had regained a small amount of control and Dot's car didn't have bluetooth. "It's fine. Thank you so much, I don't know what I'd do without you."
"I'm sure the other girls would do the same if you let them in."
Toni kicked a chunk of snow with her boot and sighed, "I can't, you know I can't. They don't deserve having to think about all this. I never should have told you, it was selfish."
"Let's talk about this later, for now just try and calm down I'll be there soon."
"Okay," She replied and hung up the phone.
She brushed the snow off of a log and sat down, bringing her chin to rest on her knees. Just as she sat, headlights came around the corner, momentarily blinding her. The car pulled up next to her. That was quick, She thought. But as her sight recovered she noticed that it wasn't Dot's car. Her heart jumped, her mind instantly going to the worst case scenario. Already on edge, she stood up and started running away, closer to the houses she had walked from.
"Wait, wait!" A voice yelled. A female voice. With a Texan accent.
Toni groaned and stopped in her tracks. "What the hell Shelby?" She yelled storming over to where Shelby had gotten out of the car. "You can't just pull up on a teenage girl, alone, in the dark."
Illuminated by the car's headlights, Shelby's eyebrows pulled together, "As a teenage girl, shouldn't you not be alone in the dark?"
"I didn't think you were about to offer a 'sinful homosexual' a lift," she shot back, copying Shelby's accent. "You do know that 'gay' isn't the only element of my personality? If you really hate me you could at least criticise my actual bad qualities, rather than the shit I can't change."
"I'm sorry, that house, it- I should never have forced my beliefs on you."
Toni bristled, "You know, I remember the night of the party. And yeah, as you so kindly put it, I embarrassed myself that night." Toni took a step closer to Shelby so they were just inches apart and said, "But so did you. I bet you haven't told your boyfriend about your whole 'I'm here for you' speech, right?"
Shelby's eyes flashed and she shoved Toni away by her shoulders, causing her to stumble back. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Don't try and gaslight me, I don't fall for that shit. I know what you said and I want to know why."
"Because I do care! Why do you look like you've been hit by a car? and you do you have this-" Shelby stepped towards Toni and reached out, brushing a thumb across the gash on her forehead. "-cut on your face?"
She must have wiped off some of the make-up when she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. Toni slapped her hand away and groaned in frustration, "Why are you so hot and cold all the time! One minute you're treating me like I'm contagious and the next you're like, caressing my face? Just pick one of your 50 personalities and stick with it!"
Breathing heavily, Toni waited for a reply; but Shelby just stared at her, emotions flying across her face a disappearing before Toni could discern them.
They were still only inches apart, Toni could feel Shelby's erratic breath on her face. "I-" Shelby whispered before her face was suddenly illuminated by Dot's headlights causing her eyes to go wide. She turned on her heel and ran towards her car.
Toni considered calling her back, but decided to let her go. She didn't actually want her to come back anyway.
As Shelby pulled her car out and sped off towards her house, Dot's car door slammed. "Hey, are you okay?" Dot asked hurriedly, running up to Toni.
Toni was still reeling from her bizarre encounter with Shelby. The argument had temporary distracted her from how awful she felt, and without that distraction it all came rushing back as Dot enveloped her in her arms.
Finally, feeling safe in the arms of someone that didn't hate her, Toni broke down. Her body shuddered with silent sobs as the weight of her past few days ultimately got too heavy to bear. She hated that she couldn't appreciate the good things in her life because they were being drowned out by all of the painful one's. Even with Regan, how were they ever going to get to be a normal couple? Regan would never be able to go to her house, never be able to know her personal life and Toni would never be able to give her a reason why.
They stood, holding each other in the snow, in the dark, until Toni was able to calm down. Dot didn't talk or let go, somehow she knew that all Toni needed was to be held until she was able to speak again.
As the heavy emotions lifted, embarrassment started to seep in. She pulled away from Dot and covered her face with her hands. "I'm so sorry," she murmured, shaking her head.
Cold hands grabbed her wrists and pried her hands away from her face. "Don't ever apologise for crying, especially given your situation." Dot looked physically pained as she said, "I really want to help you but you can't live with me, not with my dad how he is. Would any of the other girls be able?"
"I tried this with Martha a few years back. Her family was rejected from being able to foster me because they didn't have an extra room. And it's-" Toni sighed, defeated, "-similar with the rest of the girls. Either not enough room or, Fatin's parents' marriage is on the rocks, Leah couldn't with her mom's depression and Nora's family are still dealing with Rachel's eating disorder recovery. There's just... A lot of rules."
"Rules that somehow Carol has been able to bypass?"
"According to her records, she is a stable single woman with no history of substance abuse, her house meets the guidelines, she has honourable views on parenting and is physically able to raise a teenager."
"Toni, I feel like we need to tell your social worker-"
"No, no, come on please Dot, you promised you wouldn't tell anyone."
"That was before I knew what was going on! Maybe she would understand if you just showed her your injuries and explained your side of the story first."
Toni felt sick. She couldn't believe that her friend would do this. Dot didn't understand. "It won't work. For one, the woman hates me. She has been dealing with me for years and has seen my violent episodes. No one is going to believe that the scrappy, argumentative, disrespectful teenager with a history of violence is being abused by a well respected woman with a squeaky clean record. I'll be blamed"
"I can't just sit by and do nothing! Just look at yourself, you've got a big cut on your face and lump on your jaw which I can only assume is a huge ass bruise skilfully covered with make-up. You need to go to that group home, you can't carry on like this."
"I know what I can handle Dorothy," Toni growled.
"Well you just got done sobbing in my arms for 20 minutes which leads me to believe you don't. I'm telling your social worker."
Toni's mind raced, desperate to find an excuse for why she couldn't leave that wasn't the truth. She couldn't find one though. With blurry vision Toni looked right into Dot's passionate eyes. "I have lost everything that matters to me except for what I have here."
"But It would only be 2 years."
Unable to bury it anymore, Toni spoke the words she had been too scared to utter before, "If I go Dot, I won't have anything to live for."