Louis
It's been two weeks since Harry and I shared our first kiss and things have been going smoothly ever since. We are almost in a routine of who goes to which house to spend the night or who cooks dinner for whom. It feels like we have grown a lot closer in such a short amount of time but I wouldn't ask for anything different.
We didn't end up staying the night at each other's homes last night because I had a meeting/dinner with someone from my record label and Harry had a lot of assignments that needed to be graded. We did end up on FaceTime with one another though. Which didn't get steamy like I had hoped but Harry ended the call by falling asleep while I was mid sentence. I forgave him quickly though and got an adorable screenshot of his sleeping face out of it.
Today is a day that I have been dreading for a while now. I have to take Oli to his audiologist for a routine check up. I know it doesn't sound like very much but every time Oli has visited, more and more of his hearing is diminishing.
I told myself whenever Oli was younger that I wouldn't show my sadness in front of him but it's been hard to keep that promise. I know that I should be grateful that Oli's overall health is outstanding but he's my little brother, I can't help but feel for him.
I just finished dressing for the day and galloped down the stairs, hoping I could psych myself up for this doctors visit. I turned the corner that lead to the kitchen and heard Oli speaking on FaceTime.
"I know Uncle Chris. There's no need to worry about me, I'll be fine no matter what." I decided to show myself to Oli and he was sitting on the counter, swinging his legs like a little kid.
"Oh thank god! Here is Louis, Uncle Chris. He can save me from your endless lectures!" Oli groaned and tossed the phone over to me. I laughed lightly at his theatrics and told him to finish getting ready.
"How are you Lou?" I focused on Chris who looked to be holding back some emotions. I sighed softly.
"I could be better, not going to lie. I always feel like I'm drowning whenever we make these visits." I made my way to the living room and plopped myself on the leather couch. I heard Uncle Chris hum in agreement.
"I know it must be hard for you to stay strong for your brother Lou. You've been doing it for so long now and I can understand if you feel overwhelmed." I'm not sure why it happened but I could feel my eyes getting watery as Chris spoke. The lump in my throat impossible to choke down.
"It's not even that, Chris. I'm used to being the strong one for Oli. I'm used to choking back my emotions so I don't upset him anymore. I'm used to being there for him whenever he gets depressed about his hearing. I'm used to all of it. I just-" I had to take a deep breath because my voice was coming out shaky. I decided to move outside just in case Oli came down suddenly.
"I just don't understand why this is happening to him. Why can't his hearing just stay stagnant? Why couldn't he have just been born without his hearing? I know he feels like he can't show it in front of me but I can see it Chris. I can see him lose a little bit of that sparkle in his eyes every time we go to this doctor. Every time the doctor tells us the percentage of hearing he has left and how it's gone down significantly since the last visit. I see it Chris! And it hurts me every time because I cant do anything about it!" My voice broke at the end but I didn't care. I had tears running down my face like Niagara Falls but I didn't do anything to stop them.
I could hear Chris sniffling on the phone but he was waiting patiently for me to calm myself so he could speak again. I took deep breaths and wiped my face mercilessly in order to make the tears stop.
"Louis. No one expects you to put all of this on your shoulders. Oli knows that his hearing can't be fixed and he knows that none of this is anyone's fault. He told me this morning almost the exact same thing you just told me. He knows how much you hate that you can't help anymore than you already have. He knows that you do your best to support him in everything he does. He knows that you are a fantastic brother that has been there his entire life. He knows all of that Louis." Chris's words weren't helping my emotional state at all but I did feel a tiny bit better after his explanation.
"Oli is old enough now that he can see everything you've done for him, Louis. He has told me many times that he has always looked up to you and has seen how much you care for him. So don't put all of this stress on your shoulders Lou. All you have to do is support Oli through this, like you always have, and let him in on your emotions. He's ready for that now." I nodded along to Chris.
"I've always seen Oli as the little five year old that needed my help with everything and failed to see that he is almost an adult now." Chris and I laughed at my statement. I was finally calming down from my breakdown and thanked Chris for everything.
We spoke for a few more minutes about his life and everything going on with his little family. I heard Oli calling my name from inside the house so I told Chris that we would let him know the results after the appointment before hanging up.
I walked inside, feeling more refreshed than earlier this morning and told Oli it was time to leave. Grabbing everything I need and tossing Oli his jacket, we both jumped in my car.
"So, when are you going to start teaching me how to drive?" Oli spoke up once we were already on the road. I glanced over at him and smiled at his relaxed sitting position. One leg curled under him and one hugged into his chest.
"I'm just now coming to terms with you being older, now you want to spring driving lessons on me?" I said slowly while angling my face enough for him to read my lips. He laughed at my exasperated expression.
"Well if you are too emotionally unstable to do it, I'll just get Harry to teach me!" He stated casually while my heart did backflips. I'm so glad Oli and Harry have become close over the span of time they've known each other. I also can't contain my smile at the fact that Harry was the first person Oli thought of after myself.
"We'll have to see about that." I smirked at him. He rolled his eyes and turned the music almost all the way up. I had gotten used to this from years of Oli blasting music and now Harry doing the same around me.
I didn't take us long to make it to the office where Oli's audiologist was located. We both jumped out of the car and walked into the sterile looking building. I was a little more nervous acting than Oli, who was constantly talking about Valerie and what they were going to do on their date tonight.
Once we checked in and waited for a few minutes, Dr. Crawford came to greet us and take us back for Oli's appointment. Walking back, I was a mess. I was trying to make conversation with the doctor and Oli but I couldn't help but feel anxiety washing over me.
"Okay so this is just your routine evaluation. You've had plenty of these so you know the drill. Let's do this so you can get your results, shall we?" Dr. Crawford signed and spoke for Oli which received a thumbs up from the latter.
I twiddled my thumbs and smiled every time Oli's eyes met mine. The exam didn't take but a few minutes and the doctor was already walking out to inspect the results. I heard Oli clear his throat after a silence washed over us.
"Louis." I snapped my head up to look at Oli.
"Remember when we went to my first appointment here and you had to hold my hand while Dr. Crawford was examining me because I wouldn't stop crying?" We both laughed at the memory. I shook my head lightly.
"You were only just five years old. You hated anything that was new!" Oli laughed and nodded along. There was another beat of silence before he spoke again.
"I know that I don't tell you as much as I need to but thank you for being there for me." I sniffed back my oncoming tears.
"There's no need to thank me, O." Oli interrupted me by shaking his head forcefully.
"No! I need you to know that I'm grateful for everything you've given me my whole life, Lou. You could've been like any other teenager and not cared about your younger sibling but instead you did the complete opposite. Hell, you were my age whenever you started looking after me! I don't know what I would've done if the roles had been reversed." I just stared at Oli while he ranted.
"It's been hard hearing the slow decline of my hearing, sure. But I need to know that you don't blame yourself for anything Louis. You have been my constant my whole life and I wouldn't trade anything, not even parents, for you. Please promise me that you will stop putting all of this on your shoulders and realise that you were the best parent I could've ever had." I stood up and wrapped Oli in the tightest hug I could manage. My eyes were tearing up at his confession and my breathing was erratic. Oli pulled me back, looking into my tear filled eyes.
"Damn, I thought I was the over emotional teenager." I rolled my eyes at him and pushed him lightly. We both laughed again, feeling the tension in the room disappear.
"Just so you know, you were never a burden or a nuisance to me. I always considered myself lucky to have an amazing little brother." Oli grinned at me. The door then opened, showing Dr. Crawford.
"I have your results back and I'm afraid it's the same news." Oli and I glanced at each other. I nodded at the doctor telling him to proceed.
"Oliver, after evaluating your condition and running the numbers specific to your case. I would like to give you a timeline of how you will be interpreting your hearing from now on." I saw Oli take in a deep breath.
"It seems to me that you will lose all of your ability to hear in the next 9 months." I put a comforting arm around Oli and squeezed his shoulders tightly.
"The progression has sped up in the past two years, which I've told you in past visits. The last 6 months, though, it has taken an aggressive approach and you only have the ability to hear about 5% of what the average hearing person can. Now, since you've already been taught sign language by your guardian and can sign fluently, you will not have much change there. But don't be surprised if you suddenly are not able to hear small things that you normally would have a year ago. Once it gets to that point, you will lose it completely." The room was silent for a moment before Oli said anything else.
"After I lose it all, do I still come in for regular exams?" The doctor shook his head softly.
"After the loss of your hearing, we will have you fitted and tested with new hearing aids that will accommodate your new hearing level. We will also be discussing any further treatments such as cochlear implants." Oli shook his head instantly.
"I don't want cochlear implants." Dr. Crawford and I looked at him and agreed with his wishes.
"That's perfectly fine but just know that is an option for you." After a couple more questions from Oli and myself, we were out the door and in my car once again. I paused before looking at Oli.
"Are you okay?" I signed once I got his attention. He nodded lightly and stared out the front windshield blankly. I watched him for a second and turned the car on, heading home.
———
Harry:
I have takeaway Thai food and a pint of ice cream waiting at your front door! xx
I smiled at the text Harry just sent me and hopped up from my place on the couch. It has been a few hours since Oli and I got home from his appointment. He spoke to me some before retreating to his room and I decided that he probably just needed a little bit of space to absorb all the information he received today.
Once I opened the front door, I was greeted with a giant smile and a mop of brown curls that belonged to Harry. I gestured for him to come inside, which he quickly did with a large smooch on my lips. I followed him back to the living room where he was setting up dinner.
"Is Oli on his date with Valerie?" Harry asked after everything was spread out on the coffee table. I shook my head softly.
"No. He cancelled it a little while ago. I think he's just upset about his results today." Harry was slightly confused so I explained everything that went down today. He patiently waited for me to explain and hugged me tightly afterward.
"Do you mind if I go talk to him?" He asked me politely which I responded with an encouraging smile and thankful kiss on the lips.
Whilst Harry was talking to Oli upstairs, I sat thinking of everything we've been through. First, no good parents that I hated with every fibre of my being. Second, O's hearing degeneration and years of different doctors and check ups. Third, having to deal with the fact that Oli will never be able to hear again.
I tried not to get emotional again because I felt as though I had already been on an emotional rollercoaster ride today. My little brother has always been so strong and so brave with everything that has been thrown at him. He is nothing but a kind human being that doesn't deserve what he's been through.
I know, being deaf isn't the end of the world and he can carry on with a relatively normal life. Harry is living proof of that. I just can't help my negative thoughts that cloud my mind. I guess that's just the parental side of me coming out.
It was about 30 minutes later when I heard two sets of footsteps clambering down the stairs. I turned my attention to the two men, well man and boy, walking into the living room. They both made themselves comfortable around the food and conversed as if I wasn't in the room. I waved my hands around to get their attention.
"Is anyone going to tell me what just happened?" I asked them curiously and they just looked at each other and giggled. Giggled like little school girls.
"I was just welcoming Oli to the deaf community!" Harry told me excitedly which I quickly worried about Oli's reaction. I stared at Oli quizzically until he beamed back at me.
"Harry and I will be the baddest and most handsome deaf men in all of California! And you will be honoured to know both of us!" He signed proudly. I couldn't hold back my grin as I watched the two sign animatedly to one another.
Thank you, whoever sent Harry Styles to my brother and I.
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