I. REFLECTION
"Are you willing to become a monster yourself?"
Kim Min Jae's blunt honesty without prejudice, — how ever innocent it was questioning the remnants of my sanity, — was a stab at my heart, where it hurts the most.
All my life I held onto the belief that Monos and Probes should never meet one another, for a Mono's obsession was a terrifying thing. The obsession they have for their Probes, the addiction to the newfound colours, — drove Monos to become the worst versions of themselves; maddened to the point of no return, unstoppable until laws were broken and lives were taken, — without so much a care.
Essentially becoming the accursed monster everyone feared.
That was something I swore never to let myself become.
Until Go Yoo Han came crashing into my life.
Like a high speed freight train without brakes, there was no holding him back from making his mark in my life. No matter how much I resisted, I could never rid myself of him.
And I repeatedly wondered, if I really wanted to...
In the short time we've known each other, he had become a constant in my life.
Subconsciously, I would seek out the warmth of his body next to mine.
I would crave for the molten caramel of his eyes to stare at me, — and me alone.
It was alarming how effortless it was for him to integrate his presence in my life.
How deeply he has now embedded his soul with mine.
To think of living a life without him now, was no better than trying to live futilely without air to breathe.
Therefore, I hid.
I hid all the emotions I have for him.
The anticipation to see him at school the next day.
The joy when he taught me colours.
The excitement...
The happiness...
And, love...
— Every feeling I never had before Yoo Han, I hid them all.
With that, I hid as well the fear.
The fear of losing him.
The fear of how desperate my feelings were for him.
The fear of how much I yearned for him.
The fear of being completely obsessed with him.
And more importantly, — the fear of the impulsion to imprison him to me for life.
I don't think I would survive his rejection, his abhorrence, — should he ever come to know of the thoughts I had for him.
I agonised every moment worrying if my obsession has finally made me the monster I swore I would never become. The very thought of willingly causing him any harm, scared me more than I have ever been in life.
Therefore, I hid.
Therefore, I fear.
Therefore I am, — nothing more than a coward.
-.-.-.-///-.-.-.-
Looking at the assortment of paraphernalia before me, for a person who had gone stark raving mad, there was a strange calmness washed over me at this moment.
Have I finally lost it?
Picking up the hammer on my right,
'What on earth am I doing?' — a question I asked myself time and time again.
But this time, I had the answers.
'The monster is here for you, Go Yoo Han.
But there's no need to worry...'
As the noose tightened painfully around my wrist with every tug, it only served to reinforce my determinations further.
'Because I'll take the monster with me...'
Irony isn't it not? — That for a coward who wasn't willing to own up to my own feelings for you, was willing to lay down my life for you, instead.
'I am not willing to be like any other Monos.
You have taught me about colours, brought me joy and then experience the loss...
So, Go Yoo Han, — I won't make you miserable...
Never.'
As the noose that slipped over my head weightily rests itself around my neck, there was an indescribable tranquility that settled within me. As though the invisible weight of fear that I was carrying, was finally getting lifted. All that I feared was finally laying to rest.
And with the fall of a single tear, I was resolute to see this till the end.
'Goodbye, Go Yoo Han...'
-.-.-.-///-.-.-.-
Drifting aimlessly in the never-ending abyss, I was accompanied by the kaleidoscope of all the colours Yoo Han taught me.
But for something so beautiful, it was dismally heart wrenching.
— For it painfully reminded me of the one who now held my heart in his hands.
I never wanted to wake to the all-familiar world of grey again. Now that I have come know of colours, the greyscale was as devastating as the colour itself, — bleak and without life.
Not too dissimilar to my life right now.
When Aunt said that no one else but us knew that I was here, there was a rush of relief that washed over me. But in its wake, left a gaping hole where my heart should be.
— The kind that neither saddens nor evokes any sort of emotions for that matter.
Just hollow emptiness.
If my life was void of colours before, now it was devoid of emotions as well.
I went on with life, day in day out with little concept of time.
Time was a meaningless measurement to a dead soul amongst the living.
I couldn't care less for sustenance, either.
Only the pills prescribed to me.
That was my only mean of 'gauge', — 'for when needed' as prescribed on it.
Which was pretty much every minute of my waking hours; —
For when I think of Go Yoo Han.
For when I remember the colours he had shown me.
For when I recall his number that was engraved deeply in my head.
For when I feel the wind caress my cheeks the same way as he did before.
... And for when I look in the mirror and wonder, — why he wasn't here by my side...
— I would reach out for the inconspicuous bottle of white pills, and throw back a few.
Whether I was subconsciously depending on drugs to forget Go Yoo Han, or intentionally overdosing myself in hope to fall into an eternal sleep, — I couldn't tell.
All I knew was that being alive right now was a torture.
As it is, I am nothing but a shell of my former self.
Therefore, — I could't really decide if I should thank my aunt for saving my life;
— Or not.
The night Go Yoo Han came through the hospital window, I was both elated and afraid;
I was as desperate as much as I despaired.
"You shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be with you..."
— I didn't know whether I was repeating this mantra for his benefit or for the sake of my sanity.
"Of course, you can, silly..." he confidently affirmed without even a sliver of hesitation.
When I said that, — "If this was a dream, I will never wake from it then,"
— I meant every word in every sense.
However, when colours came rushing back into my life, I wondered if this dream was truly a nightmare in disguise.
The liberating feeling of running away with Yoo Han was a fantasy that I dared not even allow myself to dream. But as we traveled miles away on the bus to the beach, reality seemed so far-fetched, — it was surreal.
And all this, — just because he wanted to show me the colour of the sea;
— The first colour he ever taught me.
Sharing a room with Go Yoo Han was a test of my forbearance.
And his candid confession wasn't helping either.
"Just so you know, I like seeing the colours moving in your eyes...
I also like how you reach for the colours with innocence on your face...
When I teach you about colours, your mouth will fall slightly ajar...
And I absolutely love the excitement on your face...
I like how you get defensive when you are teased...
And sigh as you let things be...
I also like how easy it is to provoke you...
But I couldn't tell you any of this...
Because I was afraid that it might drive you away.
Each time I see the longing expression on your face...
It was no different from the expressions I see on trainees when they leave their agencies...
Trying not to fall in love
And desperately trying to hide that thought from others...
— I bet that is what's written on my face right now..."
I was at loss for words
— Maybe because he took the exact words right out of my mouth.
To think that we shared the same thoughts about each other only threatened my resolve to keep my distance from him.
The resolution I adamantly held unto;
The steadfast conviction that dying was the only way Yoo Han would be safe from the monster I was becoming,
— Was crumbling away into nothingness, with the sincerity of his every word.
-.-.-.-///-.-.-.-
Sat next to him on the pavilion overlooking the beach, every word he said only served to further disintegrate the walls I carefully erected around my fragile heart. With dread weighing heavily in my heart, I knew that there was only so much I could take before I was forced to succumb.
Melancholy was far insufficient in meaning to describe his forlornness as he recounted, —
"You couldn't be reached...
And you weren't in school.
So I asked.
Your aunt said that you'd be transferring schools...
to lessen your obsession with me.
And my mom, — the assemblywoman,
Forbids you from approaching me...
Fearing that you would kidnap me,"
Although keeping silent, I wasn't disagreeing with our families' train of thoughts.
Everything they feared was no less a trepidation of mine.
As Yoo Han continued, —
"I weighed my options,
but there was only one answer..."
"To find me and run away together?"
— A relatively stupid conclusion but not one that never crossed my own mind.
"Yes, that's what brought us here today..."
How simply Yoo Han thought of the matter.
How very much like him.
"But it's dangerous for a Probe to be with a Mono.
Your mom is right, and so is my aunt.
I should stay away from you...
That's the right thing to do."
"A restraining order is only issued with both parties still alive.
What good is it when you are willing to die for me?" — There was anger and exasperation in his voice when reminded of my 'attempt'.
I couldn't tell if he was infuriated with me?
Himself?
— Or the world?
But at this juncture in time, there was only one thing certain in my life;
— And that was my feelings for Go Yoo Han.
"I like you...
But my obsession for you will only grow with time.
I will doubt you...
And possibly end up killing you...
Therefore, you should stay away from me..."
There, — I have said it.
My feelings,
My fears,
— My everything.
Baring my soul naked to him, I was prepared to part with him; — although dying for the second time would presumably be easier after the first experience.
I had the worst in mind.
Yet, of everything I expected, least of all was the frank admission of his own shortcomings.
"Yeon Woo-yah...
You want to know a secret?
— I can't identify people's faces.
Despite having been friends with Jung Joo Haeng since elementary,
I don't even know what he looks like due to face blindness...
That is me.
I was smart enough to learn to distinguish people
... with their voices,
... the way they walk,
.... the clothes they wear,
... and their usual habits.
But you,
I can tell apart.
For the first time, I could finally distinguish a person's face.
When our eyes lock, ...
And I can see the colours moving in your eyes, ...
It is you, I recognise."
So that was why Yoo Han was obsessed with the colour moving in my eyes...
He added on, —
"When you see me,
When you face me,
it is as though your eyes whisper to me...
They whisper words to me.
When that happens,
I am able to picture your face,
And that face is what I see.
When you are not around, I would picture you as well.
Hundreds of times,
Thousands of times,
Ten thousands of times...
But your face was never clear in the picture in my head.
Only when I see you,
I can verify...
— that you are Choi Yeon Woo..."
Hundreds and thousands of thoughts raced through my head, all at the same time.
'That my face is the only one he can distinguish.
That he can't picture my face when we are apart.
He's telling me why not to run from him.
Why I can't run from him, either.
It explains everything.'
"I can't picture colours without you, either...
Also, to me...
You are one and only..."
I still had my misgivings.
But I couldn't stop myself from desiring; —
For the fingers that was caressing my check affectionately, never to stop.
For the caramel eyes that darkens with desire, never to look at anywhere else but only me.
'Should I still leave your side though?
Is it okay if I don't?'
As he approached tentatively, I made no move to reject.
Not this time;
— When I wanted it just as much.
My eyes closed in anticipation as distance closed in between us. With one arm around the back of my neck, cupping the back of my head, angling it to my left for easier access, — the other arm snaked around my midriff, pulling me closer to the warmth of his body.
On first contact reaffirmed what I had always thought of his lips; the perfectly formed cupid's bow was incredibly soft, — leaving feathery kisses in its wake.
When he pulled away, I couldn't say I wasn't disappointed.
But such thought must have manifested itself on my face, which the darkened caramel eyes could read.
In return, I could see the equal longing in his.
And this time, there was no stopping what we both wanted.
No delicacy.
No finesse.
Just pure carnal desire.
As our lips met again, this time more daring than before, — passion grew with every fervent meeting. I just realised that I will never have enough of his kisses, as his lips continued to mould itself to mine.
With every kiss, he robbed me breathless until I was forced to part my lips for air.
Unceremoniously, he stole the opportunity to slip a tongue into mine, urging to meet in a sensual twist and mangle dance.
The hand I had on his arm subconsciously grabbed a fistful of his sleeves.
Even dizzy from his ministrations, I still couldn't stop myself from wanting more as I leaned in to better accommodate him. But before long, he was pressuring back, compelling me to submit as he drew on his height to tower over me.
As I threw out my back for him, the front of our clothes met in a crumpled heap, where I could feel his heart racing as rapidly as mine.
When he finally took pity on my oxygen deprived state, Yoo Han broke the kiss with a resounding smack. He rested his forehead on mine as we both caught up on refilling our lungs with air in hurried pants.
"We've got to stop here, Yeon Woo-yah...
Otherwise, there wouldn't be stopping me from ravishing you, here and now..."
In the depth of his heated gaze, I could tell that he meant every word he said.
So, I nodded meekly in accordance.
This was neither the time nor place, to kindle the fire of our emotions for one another.
We took the bus back to Seoul later the same day, as agreed.
But throughout the entire journey, Yoo Han never let go of my hand.
And I couldn't care what others thought of it anymore.
If he couldn't care less as a Probe being in potential danger with a Mono,
Then why should I care how others thought of us being a pair of gay couple?
-.-.-.-///-.-.-.-