"I'm bored, they're taking too long." I pout, leaning back onto the hood of the car that Calum and I are leaning on.
It's been a week, maybe two, since I killed my dad and Calum is trying his best to make me feel normal again.
The Mitchy guy and his friend thats built like a tree, who's name I learned is Jordan, decided to take the guys and myself out for the day. I thought they meant we would go on a walk or something, but oh boy was I wrong.
Calum and I have been standing here for around an hour as the five other guys decided to go off and race cars. I wish I could explain further, but I was too distracted by Calum to listen to the explanation they gave us.
We've been throwing small sticks at each other and borderline bullying each other as if we're children. Its a nice break from everything.
"Oh come on, this isn't that bad." He pulls me in front of him, my back facing him, and rests his head on top of mine as he wraps his arms around me. "We finally get some alone time."
"That's a shame, I just so happened to like Ashton always being around us." I let out a sigh filled with false disappointment causing him to dip his face down into my neck.
"If he was here I wouldn't be able to do this." The deep rasp in his voice causes me to freeze. He begins planting small, gentle, affectionate kisses on my skin when a car engine can be heard from a distance. He pulls away and I mentally curse at whoever decided that now was a good time to come back.
The car speeds up to us, it's tires screeching as it halts to a stop beside us. Mitchy, Jordan and Mikey climb out of the car as Ashton opens the driver door with a grin. "That was sick, huh?"
"You're an asshole." I smack him on the back of the head, causing him to flinch before Mitchy speaks up.
"We're throwing a party tonight, if the two do you want to come." He smiles and I immediately get a bad feeling about the whole situation.
Not just about the party though. I get this feeling every time we're around these guys. The same feeling I got when I was around my mother and those men. A feeling that I have to protect Calum the way I would try to protect my siblings.
"No thank you." I shake my head quickly before looking to Calum for backup. "We have other plans."
"Yeah, I was just going to spend time with Margo tonight." Calum nods, picking up on my sudden mood change.
"Your loss, it was going to be one for the books." Mitchy laughs and I feel my pulse begin to quicken, my fists clenching subconsciously.
Calum gently places his hands over mine in a reassuring way. I open my hands, allowing him to laces his fingers through mine.
"That's okay," He shrugs swiftly, a smile on his face. "As long as Margo's happy I'll miss anything."
"Oh, you're whipped." Ashton rolls his eyes, a grin appearing on his face.
He's definitely the captain of this ship and he takes it so seriously that he pushed the god damn ship out to sea. Now it's just a waiting game.
"Remind me, what are we even here for?" I rub my eyes gently and I hear Mitchy let out a loud groan. "What?"
I pull my hands away from my eyes to see everyone looking irritated because of my question.
"Margo, we've reminded you like sixteen times in the past hour." Mikey looks at me and I feel a sharp pain go through my chest.
"I'm sorry, I forgot." I mumble, feeling guilty for annoying them. Ashton grabs my wrist and gently pulls me off to the side.
"Are you okay? Your memory is getting worse than usual." He whispers so the others can't hear him and I shake my head.
"I'm fine, you don't have to worry. I just wasn't paying attention, it won't happen again." I attempt to reassure him and he lets out a sigh.
"Tell me if you need anyone to talk to, okay? I'm always here for you." He rubs my arm gently and I nod.
"I'll always be here for you too."
———
"How are you feeling?" Calum's voice can be heard from the inside of his closet as I lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. I don't answer immediately, causing him to exit the closet and approach the bed. "Margo, are you alright?"
"Yeah, sorry. I'm just thinking." I finally respond, turning my head slightly so I can see him. "Nothing to worry about."
"I'm still going to worry." He sits on the bed next to me, sliding down so he's lying beside me.
"I know, and I thank you for that, but I'm okay. I just keep getting lost in my own head." I whisper and he rolls over so he's facing me.
Ever since I was a kid, I always thought that if my dad was dead then everything would be easier. I was wrong though, because it's only made me feel the same way I did when I was a kid.
"Tell me what you're thinking about." He whispers and I shrug, not able to find the exact words.
"Have I ever told you anything about what happened to me as a kid?" I keep my eyes on the ceiling and he shakes his head.
"Not much." He answers me and I nod.
"Well, are you okay with me telling you about it?"
I roll over to look at him and he nods. "Only if you're comfortable."
"I am, I just want you to know." I reassure him and his glances shifts between my eyes. "When I was a kid my dad left, and I would say that I had my mom, but she left years before him."
"She was there physically, of course, but she wasn't there mentally and emotionally. Its like she was a zombie in her body. I would have to bring her inside most nights and tuck her into bed the same way I did with the kids." I begin chewing on my lip nervously, looking down at his chest. "She would let these men take advantage of her, then she would let them take advantage of me as well. One of them was Chase, he would hurt me physically more than anything."
"I'm so sorry, I didn't know. If I had known I would've-" He begins to apologize before I stop him.
"No, please don't apologize. Just let me talk." I shake my head and he closes his mouth. "He would throw me around and my mom would manipulate me into thinking it was all my fault. It wasn't though, I don't think, but it still hurt to hear those words. So, when I moved here I wanted to become a new person, but that was hard with my problems I brought from Australia."
I look up to meet his eyes and their glassy state. "I have so many problems that no one talks about because it'll mess with my image. I have anxiety, depression, bpd, adhd, ptsd, and dozens of other things wrong with me that no one knows about. They're results from my trauma and my genetics."
"They cause your memory loss." He whispers as if he's piecing it all together I nod.
"Yeah, they do. I just need you to know this in case something happens. I'm scared that I'll lose myself the same way my mom did and I don't want you to be confused if that happens. I thought that what I did to my dad would help bring me a sense of peace, but I feel like I'm seven years old all over again." My bottom lip begins to tremble and he brings his hand up to my face in a soothing manner.
"You're nothing like her." He shakes his head and I smile softly.
"I just don't want you to be upset if it gets to the point that I forget you, okay? It got to the point sometimes that my mom would forget who I was and it just- it scared me." I place my hand on top of his and he watches me intently. "You're the first person to show me what real, genuine love feels like and I'll never be able to thank you enough for that."
"I have a question that may or may not be offensive or triggering." His statement causes me to meet his eyes with a quizzical look. "Is all of this why you obsess over the number three? Like, you always do certain things three times or you count in threes, does that have anything to do with this?"
"My therapist tells me that I do that because if I do things a certain number of times then it helps me feel in control. I don't know why my brain chose the number three, or when it happened, but it's been happening since I was younger." I shrug, trying to find any way to explain this to him.
"I'll try to help you, if you'll allow me to. I don't know how to help with everything, but I can start by distracting you when it gets bad." He offers and I let out a sigh.
"You've already helped by just being here. Like that time you came into the bathroom at the restaurant while I was on the verge of a panic attack because of my overstimulation, you helped me without hesitation. You help me feel normal." I explain my perspective to him, causing him to smile softly. "I'm just terrible at explaining my feelings because I'm not used to them, but I'm trying."
"I am too. I couldn't be more proud of you, I hope you know that. I don't have a full understanding of what it was like in Australia for you, but I'm so proud of you for making it to today." He whispers and I smile softly, pressing my lips to his.
"You're my escape." I blurt out, shocked at my own words. He furrows his eyebrows, smiling at my sudden bluntness and a rose colour washes over my cheeks. "I mean, I used to tour a lot and push albums out nearly every year at an attempt to distract myself, but I don't need to do that now."
"I thought you said Jeff didn't let you tour?"
"He doesn't anymore, but he did before. I would tour so much that I didn't have time for a lot of things when my career first took off. That is, until it took away from my time that I could've used for other things." I let out a sigh. "He would drill things into my brain that caused me to be anxious about touring. Or anxious about performing live at all."
He sits up quickly, looking at me with a grin. I don't know why he's grinning after what I just told him, but it's kind of making my heart break.
"I have a plan that you might not like, but I promise I mean it in the best way possible." He stands up from the bed and grabs my hand, pulling me out of the room and towards Ashton's room. "Ashton open the door I'm with Margo!"
Ashton pulls the door open almost immediately, a confused expression on his face. "What do you want?"
"I have an amazing idea." Calum beams and Ashton looks at me, as if I'll give him an answer.
"I'm just as confused as you are." I shrug and he looks back at Calum who pushes past him, entering the room and dragging me along.
"You know how we're releasing Sounds Good Feels Good soon?" Calum asks, dropping my hand as Ashton turns to face us.
"Yeah, I'm in the band in case you forgot." Ashton rolls his eyes and I purse my lips, suppressing my smile.
"When we go on tour, we should take Margo."
I snap my head to look at Calum with wide eyes as Ashton does the same thing.
"What?" We both say at the same time causing Calum to flinch.
"Yeah, it's an amazing idea if I do say so myself."