I open my eyes this morning and I look at the empty side of the bed next to me. I put my hand on his pillow and I close my eyes imaging Dean lying next to me. I could still hear his soft snoring which I can't believe that I actually miss right now. It's been 2 months since he died and today is his birthday. I couldn't wait for this day to come until November 19th came. That say he left for a vampire case with Sam and he didn't come back home.
One of the days that Dean and I were having a movie night, just chilling and cuddling after a very tiring case, we were talking and I made him a promise to bake him a birthday cake every year for as long as I'm around. Unfortunately, I made him this promise last March so he didn't live to live it. He never had an actual birthday celebration and I wanted to give one to him so bad but... It kills me inside to know that he never got to have that. He should be here to celebrate his 42nd birthday. That's really unfair.
I get up from my bed and I drag myself to the bathroom. I decided to take a quick morning shower and got dressed. I walked to the kitchen where I found Sam drinking coffee and browsing on his laptop. I walk past him and to the counter.
"Good morning" he says as he sees me
"Good morning" I say pouring myself some coffee. "I'm gonna go to the grocery store later to get some things. Do you need something?" I ask
"No, I don't think so. Do you want me to drop you off?" he offers
"No, thanks. Do you have the keys?" I ask
"You're gonna... take the Impala?" he asks hesitating a bit "Are you sure?" he asks again
"Yes Sam. Please" I say
"Ok" he says and tosses them to me
"I'll be back in an hour" I say.
I haven't been in the Impala since... Since we came back from his funeral. I couldn't bring myself to. But I thought today was the right day to take that step. I open the door and I immediately his scent took over. That scent that I miss so much hit me like a punch. My eyes got watery as I got inside the car. I put my hands on the steering wheel and I close my eyes for a second. "Hi baby" I say and I take a deep breath "I miss him too" I say and I put the key in.
I returned from the grocery store and started baking the cake that I had promised him. While I was mixing the batter, I couldn't stop thinking about him coming out of nowhere and hug me from behind, like he always did when he saw me cooking. I baked the cake part, I let it sit and cool for a few hours, I made the frosting and then I started putting it together. The design on the top was a bit hard but it was worth the effort. I chose a sky/galaxy effect since our first "date" was having beers under the stars in an empty and peaceful landscape. I finally write 'Happy Birthday Dean' on the top and I take a step back to look at it.
My eyes got watery again as I imagine how cute his reaction would be. I smile through the tears and take a deep breath. I pick it up and I put it in the fridge. I do the dishes and I clean the kitchen as fast as I can. I run to Sam's room "I'm leaving" I yell from outside his door and I leave the bunker before he could ask or say something.
I turned off my phone and started walking without a particular destination. I just wanted to enjoy the quiet and peace for a bit. The truth is that I was avoiding to deal with the fact that Dean is gone. I couldn't believe it yet. It's too much. The guy that stopped several apocalypses, fought the Leviathans, Michael, Lucifer and God was nailed by a vampire. A single vampire! He should be living his best life right now because he deserves the world. He has sacrificed so much and when finally he got the chance to live however he wanted, that chance got ripped away from him in a few minutes.
And the worst part is that I wasn't there. I could be there, I could have stopped it but I wasn't. I was coming back from a single case I worked the day he died. We had spoken on the phone earlier that day and he said 'You should go get some rest. We got it covered here. Can't wait to see you'. I can't stop thinking about it. I could for sure help prevent this but I wasn't there for him. And I know that blaming myself and second guessing doesn't do any good right now but I can't stop it.
A while later, I ended up walking around Lebanon alone. It started getting darker outside and that's when I realized how much time has passed since I left the bunker. But I wanted to do one more thing before I went home. I walked inside the church and sat down. I didn't do this like ever but something changed now.
I close my eyes "Hey Dean" was the first thing I said. Tears had already formed in my eyes. "I know that this might be stupid because I'm pretty sure that you can't be listening but I really need something that will make the slightest sense to me. I miss you so much baby. It's been two months but it hasn't gotten any easier and I don't it'll ever be" I say and I wipe my tears. "Anyway, I wanted to wish you happy birthday, wherever you are. I really wish you were here to celebrate like we promised. But for some reason it had to be this way. I love you. Happy birthday baby" I say and I lean back.
A few minutes later, I feel someone taking a seat next to me. I open my eyes and I see Sam "What are you doing here?" I ask
"I was worried about you so I came looking" he says and I nod. "Talking to God?" Sam asks
"No, I'm not talking to God or Jack. I'm talking to Dean" I say. "I just need something to believe in, Sam, because this world is so messed and unfair and I don't know who to blame. So I need to believe that something good can still happen" I say as tears roll down my eyes
"It's ok. I get it" he says running my back.
A little later, we returned home and I went straight into my room. Only a few minutes later Sam knocked on my door "I gotta go check out something" he says
"Ok" I say as I lay on the bed. But I couldn't sleep and I was hungry. I go to the kitchen and I open the fridge. "Happy birthday Dean" I whisper to myself and I grab a fork getting ready to dig into the cake.
"Oh hi, I was actually coming to find you" Sam says. I close the fridge and I turn.
"Ok, what do you need?" I ask
"It's about the reason I went out. Remember how you said that you need something good to happen?" he asks
"Yeah..." I say
"Not only Dean heard you but Jack did too" he says
"Woah, wait, what? How do you know?" I ask and he takes a step back.
Dean steps in and I freeze. "I'm not... hallucinating, right? This is real?" I ask Sam but without taking my eyes off of Dean
"It is" Dean says and I feel my legs get weak.
"I should leave you two. I'll be in my room" Sam says and walks away.
I walk slowly towards Dean. Every step closer to him brought a new tear rolling on my cheek. I place my hands on his shoulders gently because I was scared that I might break him. I cup his face and I look him in the eyes. "I love you so much" I say
"I love you even more" he says and I start crying. I hug him and he hugs me back immediately. I kept rubbing his back trying to realize that I'm holding him again.
My knees started to give up so Dean kneeled down with me without letting go of the hug. "I missed you so much" I say while crying
"Me too babygirl" he says and kisses my head causing me to cry even harder. I pull away a little bit and I look at him. He kisses my lips and I kiss him back without hesitation.
"I'm sorry that I wasn't there" I say
"It is not your fault. No one knew this would happen" he says rubbing my back.
"Happy birthday" I say and I kiss him. He laughs and looks at me. "I missed your smile and you're laugh so much. I even missed your snoring" I say and he chuckles
"I don't snore" he says
"Sometimes you do but it's ok" I say and he nods.
"I had a small talk with Jack before he send me down here. He says that he is sorry for being so late. He and Cas have a lot to do upstairs" he says
"I'm glad you're here. Wait, Cas?" I ask
"Yeah, I saw him too. They are rebuilding heaven together and they are doing a pretty good job at it. He said that he'll come here for a visit tomorrow" he says
"That's great. I missed him too" I say
"Yeah. I also remember being told about a birthday cake...?" he asks
"Oh yes" I say and I run to the fridge.
"Close your eyes" I say and he does. I put it on the counter and I place candles on it. I light them and I walk to him. I kiss his lips softly and he opens his eyes. He wraps his arm around me and kisses my head "Happy birthday baby" I say
"I love you so much" he says and kisses me
"I love you too. Now make a wish and blow the candle" I say. He closes his eyes and blows the candle.
"Thank you so much" he says
"Get used to it because it's gonna happen every year. We are gonna live every moment from now on however we want, no pressure" I say
"And that was my wish" he says and hugs me.
"Ok, now grab a fork and let's taste that cake" I say
"It looks amazing. Like our first official date" he says and hugs me from behind as I take the forks from the drawer.
"Yeah" I say and I give him one of them. He starts eating first.
"Wow, it's really good" he says
"Better than pie?" I ask
"Ok, you're stretching it too far right now. Nothing beats your pie" he says as he lets me sit on his lap. "Especially that cherry pie" he whispers rubbing my thigh
"Well, after we eat, I bet we can..." I say
"I bet we can right now" he says picking me up and I start laughing.