When we go through something so bad our brain can't process it properly, some get angry, some deny anything happened and some grow quiet.
I froze.
After Joakim had left, I ran to the bathroom and threw up everything I had in my stomach. Maybe it was because of the shock or all the alcohol I had had. Either way, it made me feel a little better. Then I trembled and cried on the bathroom floor for god knows how long.
Eventually I got up, washed my teeth to get rid of the acid taste in my mouth and went back to bed. That was when I froze: unable to think, move or speak. Not that anyone wanted to talk with me anyway.
Sunday noon Kuisma came back to the flat, still ignoring me altogether. He cooked something in the kitchen, listened to his music and didn't bother to clean any of the mess he made.
I turned my back to him and lay under the thick blanket, still wearing the same clothes I did at the party. Was I feeling hot or cold, I had no idea. I was numb. Paralyzed by the heaviness of my mind, paralyzed by the feelings I couldn't feel.
I only got up to go to the bathroom, and I continued that for the entire Sunday until it was already night. I couldn't sleep, no matter how tired I was of everything.
I didn't get up on Monday morning. I missed school again, and I didn't think I was ever going to go back there. Fortunately I didn't have shifts at the library, because I needed to give my hand some time to heal.
When the worst shock was over, it turned to anger. I was so angry at myself, feeling like everything that had happened was own my fault. I felt so deeply humiliated and defiled it was unbearable. So instead of being paralyzed by the shock and the numbness, I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe because of those feelings.
At some point, probably after school, Kuisma came back to the flat. He didn't turn the music on or make coffee, like he normally did. I was still facing the wall, but I could hear his footsteps when he walked to my side of the room.
"I wasn't going to talk to you ever again, but seriously, are you even alive?" he demanded.
"Fuck off", I muttered.
"Are you sick again?" Kuisma's voice turned softer.
"Just go away", I moaned.
"Did something happen with Joakim?" he wouldn't budge.
I wasn't going to give him the pleasure to say "what did I tell you?". Of course he was right and I was a fool, but I didn't need another reminder of it.
"Nothing happened and I'm not going to cry about it to you, just like you wanted. So just leave me alone", I told him, still staring at the wall. I wasn't angry or even sad, I just wanted to be left alone.
"Okay, if you say so", Kuisma sighed.
When I finally fell asleep, I dreamt about that night. I woke up in the middle of the night, my shirt drenched with sweat and my heart hammering.
I think a part of me knew all along that Joakim didn't want to date me, so I never asked him about it. Somewhere deep down I believed the things Kuisma said about him, but refused to listen. I wanted things to work out between me and Joakim so badly I was willing to take the risk. I thought he might break my heart, but I didn't think he would do anything like he ended up doing. But I did know the risks, so blame on me.
I tried to tell myself what happened wasn't that bad, but it was. At least it was to me. I tried to tell myself to stop acting the way I was, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't just get up and continue living my life like nothing happened. I wasn't sure if I ever could.
***
"It's about time to get up." I opened my eyes to see Kuisma standing next to my bed. The sun was up, so I must have fallen back asleep. I just grunted and pressed my eyes shut.
"No, I'm serious. Get up", Kuisma demanded. When I still didn't move, he lifted me up firmly. The next thing I knew I was sitting on my bed looking at anything but him.
"Good. Now drink this", Kuisma said and handed me a cup of coffee from the table. "And eat this." He set a plate on the bed in front of me. I stared at the bread slices feeling nauseated.
"I'm not hungry", I mumbled.
"Well, too bad, you're still eating." I could tell from the tone Kuisma used that he wasn't going to back off until I did what he asked. I let out a heavy sigh and gulped down some of the coffee. Then I set the mug on the table and nibbled some of the bread.
"Why are you being nice to me?"
I thought he would say something like: "I don't want to have to clean your corpse when you die from dehydration." Instead he said: "Because I care, you idiot."
"Aren't you supposed to be at school?" I asked then. I couldn't look him in the eye, so I just busied myself with the bread.
"Aren't you?" Kuisma pointed out. I glimpsed at him, trying to see if he was making fun of me, but he seemed sincere.
"Want to talk about it?" he asked cautiously. I saw his eyes lingering on my wrist, but he didn't say anything about the bruises around it, which I was grateful for.
These two weeks clearly hadn't been my weeks and I felt like a weakling, always needing someone's help. First I got sick, then I broke my finger and now this. No grown-up needed help to get up from bed or to eat and drink..
I needed to do better.
"There's nothing to talk about. I'm fine", I assured Kuisma and gave him a brief, apparently not convincing, smile.
"Yeah right", he narrowed his eyes, but at least he didn't sound irritated.
"I'll take a shower", I decided, put the plate on the table and stood up promptly. I didn't want to give him time to ask any more questions.
It felt good to take off the clothes, like I was moulting and getting rid of an unwanted memory. I glimpsed at my reflection from the mirror and I wasn't surprised to see there were bruises all over my body. I took a scalding shower, staying under the water a lot longer than was necessary.
I promised myself I would get over what had happened and to go back to school. Eventually. I still needed more time before I could even think of facing Joakim again.
Once I was done with the shower, Kuisma was still in the flat. It didn't seem like he was planning to leave anytime soon either. I appreciated his help, but I really just wanted to be alone.
"You should go to school", I admonished, while drying my hair with a towel.
"I'm not going today. Want to watch something?" What was up with him?
"I don't, I'm tired", I refused.
"There's this new horror movie I'd really want to see." Why did I feel like I was muted? "Do you like horror movies?"
I shrugged, sitting on my bed and looking down. I did like horror movies, I just didn't like the idea of watching them, or any other kind of movie, right then.
"You're going to like it for sure", Kuisma announced. We ended up watching the movie from his laptop sitting on my bed again. I had to admit it was a good movie, and I did like it for sure.
It was about some sinister doppelgangers in red overalls, who started slaughtering people. Then we watched another one. That was a Korean thriller where two girls lived in a same house and talked by the phone, even though the other had lived and died there twenty years ago.
Watching those movies actually made me feel better, and it wasn't such a bad thing to have company as long as I didn't have to talk. Kuisma ordered pizza and made sure I ate some of mine. He didn't try to chitchat with me, he just kept me company.
I skipped school the next day as well, and Kuisma did the same. I tried to make him go there, but he refused, and we spend the day watching more horror movies.
We didn't fight and Kuisma even cleaned the flat a bit. He seemed reluctant to leave me alone, and a part of me was grateful for it. It was almost like he was holding me together, but I had no intention to say it out loud.
The next day I really tried to go to school, but I just couldn't get myself out of the door. Kuisma stayed with me, again, and I was starting to get bothered by it.
"You know, I can take care of myself."
"I'm not saying you can't", Kuisma answered promptly.
His brown hair was all mixed up, like he had just got up from bed. He looked so sweet and comely, just like he had behaved these few days. I was baffled: which one was the real Kuisma? The one who blew up in every small argument and had a foul mouth, or the one who kept me company and made me feel better when I was unwell?
"But?" There was definitely a but coming.
"I don't think you should be alone right now", Kuisma mumbled and I could see he was feeling awkward like he rather didn't say anything further.
"Why?" I demanded and I was starting to feel vexed for some reason. Kuisma didn't say anything for a long while. So long I didn't think he was going to answer.
"Because you're clearly not okay and I think something happened to you", he admitted eventually.
"I'm fine. Nothing happened", I scowled. "Besides, aren't you supposed to scoff at me? You were right all along. I'm just a naive idiot, so go ahead and laugh."
"I won't." Kuisma shook his head. I wanted him to get angry at me, for some enigmatic reason, but he wouldn't do that. I wanted him to yell at me and I wanted to yell back.
For a moment I was so angry I wanted to throw things around, but I knew I wasn't really angry at him. There was just so much anger inside me, that I felt like I could explode any moment. I almost took it all out on Kuisma. I didn't want to, because he was just trying to help, but..
I was a mess.
My feelings were all over the place like I was some negative aged child. One moment I was calm, the next I was raging. Sometimes I was sad and drowning in shame and self-hatred, sometimes I felt nothing at all.
Most of the time, though, I had no idea what I was feeling. I had no idea what was happening to me and why I was feeling all these emotions. Truth to be told, it was starting to scare me. Who could I trust if I couldn't trust myself?