My leg bounced more as my anxiousness grew, a sickening feeling started to grow in my stomach as time passed minute by slow minute.
I kept glancing down at my phone, waiting for a message or a call to delay the plan or cancel it altogether.
I was torn on whether I wanted that to happen or not.
On one hand, I really wanted to see him again, on the other, however, I wanted any reason to come up that could stop my nerves from eating me from inside out.
There was only so much cream that could be stirred into my now lukewarm hot chocolate and that had blended in long ago, the drink sitting there to be forgotten after a couple of sips as my stomach turned uncomfortably.
People wandered past the window, going about their lives as I stewed in my growing anxiousness.
Just five more minutes, that's all he'd have.
Five minutes and then I'd-
"Judging by the way you're bouncing your leg, I'd say that you're pretty nervous and I wouldn't recommend drinking coffee until you've settled down."
Turning to my left, I slowly tilted my head up to meet Spencer's smile as he loomed over me, like Dahl's BFG with a purple scarf and a satchel.
"Both elevates cortisol levels and can lead to negative, long term and sometimes permanent health issues if they're too high for extended periods of time," he continued, pulling out the chair opposite me to sit down.
"Oh really?" I smiled, tapping my nail to my cup to make the ceramic ting, "lucky that it's hot chocolate then, hm?"
"Very, it's said that chocolate has the opposite effect to what caffeine would have, so you're balancing yourself out perfectly."
"What can I say? I'm a master of coincidences."
He smiled as I laughed, resting his hands on top of the table with his fingers linked as he looked at me with an expression I couldn't read beyond 'pleased to see you'.
"You're looking good," I said as a means to break the sudden silence that felt chokingly thick to me and only me, so it seemed.
Not that that made it any less true.
His hair was a little longer and wilder than the last time I saw him, though he didn't look like he'd slept since that night either, not that that was anything new either.
"Thank you," he smiled wider, giving a small nod, "for inviting me," he added quickly onto the end.
Rolling my eyes a little, I couldn't help but snicker just a bit.
"Still can't accept compliments, hm?"
"It's quite common for people to be unable to accept a compliment, especially someone with low self-esteem, they typically can't believe why anyone would think that way and will find any reason to disbelieve it, often choosing to think that the one complimenting them is being patronising which results in reactions of embarrassment rather than flattery."
"Thank you for confirming my suspicions, doctor."
I smiled at him while picking up my cup and bringing it to my lips, hoping that I was hiding my still jittery nerves better than I felt I was.
Being in front of a profiler in a casual setting was surprisingly nerve-wracking, like when an office would pull up behind your perfectly innocent car.
"Sorry, I'm being rude," I said as my cup tapped against the table once again, "I invited you and didn't even offer you something, would you like a drink?"
"It's okay, I can get my own."
He doesn't wait for me to react, he simply pushes his chair back and gets up, dashing off to the counter.
If I were to hazard a guess, and it would probably be a very very wrong guess, I would say that he was also feeling a little anxious about this catch up.
Once I was certain he would out of eyeshot, I dropped my head back and let out a quiet groan.
Why did I have to make things so awkward?
We were just two potential friends meeting up for coffee and a chat and here I was, awkwarding it up like a damn fool in front of a cute man my best friend wanted me to hook up with.
"What even is life anyway?" I grumbled, slouching forward again, resting my chin in my palm.
Terrible radio music did nothing to lift my worries, the nasally voice droning on about some weary lost love was only driving home my hopelessness in the situation and I hated that kind of music at the best of times.
Time seemed to stretch on for eternity before Spencer emerged again, returning to his place opposite me with a steaming cup of coffee which he proceeded to fill with sugar once he was settled in.
The amount he put in made my teeth tingle, though I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't been guilty of that myself at times, a habit I had worked to control for the sake of my blood pressure.
"So," I finally drawl out, lifting my cup delicately in both hands, "how are you? Life treating you well? Any updates?"
I look at him over my cup with raised eyebrows of curiosity and hinting while taking a slow sip, hoping that the intention behind my question was obvious but not too obvious.
He looks up from his sugar avalanche and merely gives a little shrug.
"I'm not sure there is much to tell you honestly, it's the same old, work is stressful but rewarding, I've been reading, the therapy sessions have been helping"
"Good," I smiled, "I'm really glad it's helping you."
"Thank you, it's going well for only three sessions," he nodded, stirring the coffee into his sugar.
"No statistics to blurt out about that?" I asked, tilting my head a little with an expression of amusement.
"Yes, but I'm trying to hold it back, just about this particular subject."
With a slow nod, I give an agreeing hum and finish off the last of my drink.
"That's fair."
"And what about you?"
"Me? Honestly, I'm as boring as I've ever been, just worked, slept, eaten and worked again."
"That sounds thrilling."
"As thrilling as ever," I laughed softly, "though I've been thinking of getting a pet, someone to cuddle with as the winter settles in, to snuggle with as I watch things or read, especially as it's so quiet now the bestie is off being married."
Spencer gave me a soft smile and looked down at his cup, his fingers tapping against it as he admired the contents that steamed inside.
"A pet for companionship is a good idea, not only do they help with loneliness, anxiety, stress and depression but it releases a hormone that increases relaxation and lowers stress levels, it's also mutually beneficial for the animal, given the right one."
"All the more reason to get one," I hummed, noticing the way he seemed to be avoiding my eye, "would you consider getting a pet?"
"Animals, especially dogs, don't seem to like me," he chuckled wryly.
"I see, so an SO is the better option for you, hm?"
Spencer finally lifted his head to look at me again with the most adorable frown, though I couldn't tell if it was confusion, sadness or just a thoughtful one.
"I'm happy by myself."
"I wasn't saying you weren't, I'm also quite happy in singledom, though sometimes the thought of romantic company is nice."
"It is, are there people lining up at your door for a date?"
I scoffed a laugh and looked away, shaking my head.
"I have people who think that offering me ramen after talking to me for five minutes for the first time since college will get them into my bed," I rolled my eyes and looked to Spencer, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. "What about you?" I added on quickly, "I heard you were talking to someone recently."
The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them and I instantly wanted to take them back, but it seemed as though this was where my mind wanted to go and it was tired of waiting for me to breach the subject.
"Oh, yes, you heard about that?"
"Kind of hard not to when your best friend is married to the best friend of the guy they're trying to set you up with."
He laughed and smiled down at his cup.
"You have a point, they weren't very subtle that night...or any time after, actually"
"Not as slick as you'd think an FBI agent would be and she's just terrible at keeping things from me."
"I don't know why she bothered telling you," he shrugged a little, "we spoke for a few weeks, went for one coffee and haven't talked since."
"I see...now I feel bad for bringing it up."
"No, don't, it was a genuine question, don't feel bad, I'm not broken up about it seeing as I barely knew her in the grand scheme of things."
"That doesn't make it less disappointing if you had hope for something."
"It's not too bad, I'm used to it."
If Spencer had heard my heart shatter over the music, I wouldn't have been any less surprised.
My entire being deflated at the saddened smile that didn't give off the impression he most likely wanted it to, instead all I could see was a broken man trying to smile through the pain and only minorly succeeding.
A silence fell over us both, neither of us seeming to know what to say.
The fact that this lovely man was filled with so much sorrow hurt to know, the fact that there was no magic or finger snap that could make it all go away was tormenting.
With a weighted sigh, I looked out the window and chewed on my lip.
From my peripheral vision, I saw Spencer raise his cup, the silence still lingering.
A browning leaf fell past the window and the branches of the tree outside started to blow wildly as autumn continued to rage on.
Suddenly, I sat up straighter in my seat and slammed my hand onto the table, harder than I intended, when an idea came to mind.
"What is it?"
I looked to Spencer and smiled, clasping my hands together.
Granted, it was only a temporary distraction from everything, but it was better than nothing.
"So, a little birdie told me that you like Halloween."
"Yes," he said cautiously.
"And I happen to like Halloween, so why don't we ditch the boring coffee catch-up, because I'm really not that interesting, and go do something Halloweeny?"
A genuine smile replaced that previous saddened one.
"What do you have in mind?"
"I don't know," I shrugged, "we could frolic in some fields, dance with a scarecrow, I think you'd look fetching in the cliché white dress."
"Aww, you think so?"
"I truly, truly do," I grinned at him.