haha, not me starting another story on wattpad when I'm literally going through mid-terms that will decide half of my future... please don't let this go to waste lol I'm really feeling confident about this story- author
WARNING: THERE WILL BE A LOT OF MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, SELF HARM, BLOOD AND OTHER TRIGGERING TOPICS. KEEPT THAT IN MIND IF YOU CONTINUE READING.
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Chuuya's pov
The second I heard that Oda is dead, one thought rushed through my head.
Dazai.
- Boss!- I shouted after loudly banging the doors of Mori's office. Nobody was allowed to barge in like that, but this wasn't the moment that I would care about it.
- Chuuya? What brings you here?- Mori raised his eyebrows in surprise and met my terrified eyes.- oh, I see...
- What happened to Dazai?- I asked when I finally got to breathe normally.
- i just got a call from him,- Mori lowered his head.- he's not coming back.
Milions of thoughts suddenly hit me, my knees felt weak. why, why am I reacting like this? why am I so scared?!
- Chuuya? are you alright?- Mori stood up from his chair, confused by my slight shaking.- you know, I will assign you a new partner soon.
- it's fine,- I tried my best to let words out of my mouth.- in fact, I'm very good!
For some reason, I suddenly couldn't stop smiling. I raised my head and stared at Mori, while grinning like a psychopath. I could feel my eyes water, but I just smiled.
- you know what? this is a celebration!- I chuckled, and a single teardrop fell in my mouth, I felt the salty liquid burn on my scratched lip, that I couldn't stop picking.- yes, that's right! I'm going to open the best wine and drink till I can't walk! he's finally gone, that idiot! I always hated him and he's gone!
I laughed and closed my eyes for a moment. what is happening? why is my mind split into two different sides, why am I laughing, with tears falling down my face? how should I even feel about this?!
- oh? Well, that's good for you, Chuuya,- Mori sighed and sat back down, at first he thought something was wrong with me.- In fact, that's good to have some celebration to lift everyone's mood, we just lost a great executive after all.
- y-yes, I'll invite everybody,- I nodded, but my voice broke.
- Very good, Chuuya, now do you mind leaving me alone, I have to re-do my plans, since Dazai can't be in it anymore,- Mori creepily smiled and shoved me away with a hand gesture.
I just nodded again, and ran out, I didn't want to invite anyone, I just wanted to drink till I can't think anymore, but now I don't have a choice.
I slowly walked through the dark port mafia's halls, sinking into my head.
Oda was a good Dazai's friend. when we were on a mission, he wouldn't stop talking about him. Oda this, Oda that... no end. it seemed like Dazai really looked up to him, despite their morals being completely opposite.
For the past months, I didn't spend a lot of time with that idiot, after missions he would always go to his bar and talk to his real friends, Oda or Ango. I was always just there, someone he could annoy during our work. to be honest, we were never even friends. but, well, I guess I expected him to atleast say goodbye...
- oh, hi, Chuuya!- someone greeted me, but I didn't even notice them walking up to me.
- huh? oh, it's you, Higuchi,- I sighed at that blonde woman, but suddenly I saw an opportunity, that would free me off an order.- wait, Higuchi, i would like to ask you something.
- what?- she smirked, not trusting my wording.
- actually, there's gonna be a party today, kind of Mori's orders,- I tried to find the best way to explain.- well, uh, Dazai is gone from the Maf-
- Dazai is what?!- She shouted, interrupting me.
- you haven't heard? Oda died and Dazai is leaving because of him,- I could physically feel a stab in my heart when I said this, but I tried my best to keep it together.- and well, there's a party because everyone was done with his annoying personality and now we won't see him, e-ever again.
I hated myself for stumbling on those words. I hated to feel like this, it was like something was eating me from the inside.
I painfully bit my lip, to calm myself, but instead I felt warmth and steel-like taste. Shit, it's bleeding again.
- really?! what else did I miss?- she sighed, but the information sinked in swiftly.- so, what did you want me to do?
- oh, just can you inform like, everyone? this party will be this evening in the bar down the 4th avenue,- I didn't plan the place earlier, so I said what first got to my mind.
- isn't that the bar that Dazai would always go?- Higuchi raised her eyebrows.
- huh ? how should I know?- I shrugged my shoulders.- so, will you do it?
- Fine, it's not that big of a deal,- she nodded.- Later, Nakahara.
I weakly waved her goodbye and bit my lip even harder, the sudden pain spiked my body, causing my eyes to water again.
I lied about one thing. I know exactly what bar that is, the one that Dazai would always go to. In fact, I've never been there, because I was afraid to see Dazai with his friends, I thought they would all shove me away, I didn't want to feel unwanted, especially to Dazai. So, I avoided even being near it, I just didn't want to hurt myself.
You got a couple hours to pull yourself together...
I fell face first on my wrinkled bed and tightly gripped on of the pillows.
Fuck it, Dazai, I hate you! I hate you, hate you, hate you!
get lost, I don't want to see you, ever! why are you like this?! why are you always so stupid and so reckless?!
I hate you, I'll always hate you!
Without realising it, I was screaming into my pillow and the sheet was wet now. My whole face and hair was a mess, I cried my eyes out and my lip was still bleeding, but it felt so silent around me.
I couldn't stand the silence, it was more silent than ever, like a piece of me was just ripped off and I couldn't hear anything anymore.
However, I felt all out of energy. it took me a surprising amount of concentration to pick my phone up and press the home button.
No new messages.
you know, that's pretty cruel of you, Idiot,- I thought throwing my phone back on the ground.
Suddenly, my eyelids felt heavy and I lifelessly fell asleep on that messed up pillow.
Ding ding ding ding ding!
- what?!- I angrily shouted to my phone, after pressing that god damn accept the call button.
- you'll miss your party if you don't come now, Nakahara,- I heard muffled Higuchi's voice.
- oh, right, I'm on my way,- I sighed and swiftly got up from bed. even if I didn't want to go anywhere past these doors, I had to show myself, I was the biggest Dazai's hater, after all.
I looked at the mirror and my eyes widened at my own reflection.
My lips were scattered and bloody, my whole chin and cheeks were covered in a dark shade of red. My eyes were puffy and instead of white, it was grey and pink. My usually decent hair was a complete mess and looked like they didn't shine anymore.
fuck, that's gonna be a lot of work,- I sighed and went to the bathroom.
I cleaned myself up as much as I could, brushed out and styled my hair, even though they did seemed dull.
My lips were so bad that I didn't even tried to fix it. However, I did take out my powder to hide my puffy eyes.
I didn't use it much, but I had some basic makeup products. I knew I usually dressed in a more feminine way, also I kept my hair longer, so it shouldn't be a surprise for me to own makeup. I felt more powerful and confident while looking more feminine, so what's wrong with that?
***
when I got to the bar, the party was already in the second half of it. I walked in too fast to think about all the times I would be afraid of this place, but looking around still gave me goosebumps.
- Chuuya, finally, you're here!- I saw Higuchi greeting me, she was obviously already too drunk, so I just brushed her away.
most of the members were like Higuchi, drunk and happy, majority not because of Dazai, they just finally had a reason to celebrate something and get drunk. But a few like Akutagawa sat in the back, observing the place and slowly sipping from the glass.
After a few greetings, I finally got some peace and walked to one of the furthest seats on the bar. I didn't go to the darkest corner, that would be too suspicious, I just sat a little away from everyone and their drunken laughs.
I ordered a glass after a glass, soon noticing that there were lesser people with each sip. My thoughts became foggy and I lost my senses.
I heard my head slamming on the bar counter, but I didn't feel any pain. I just got peacefully carried to my dreams.
- Dazai! promise to stop me after I'm done!- I shouted, ready to face the enemy with my strongest power, corruption.
- no need to worry, buddy,- Dazai smiled at me and nodded.
I trusted him with this, so I confidently activated my power and went crazy.
***
- Dazai! are you alright?!- I shouted, running to his lifeless body, leaning against the wall.
- huh?- the brunette weakly raised his head, meeting my eyes for a moment, then falling deep asleep.
- Dazai! Fuck! I'm gonna get you to the doctor right now!- I anxiously shouted and picked him up.
***
- I'm bored,- Dazai sighed and turned to me. both of us were waiting in a hotel room, the enemy had to show up in a couple hours.
- well, what do you want me to do about that?- I rolled my eyes.
- i don't know, Chu Chu,- Dazai pouted and got weirdly close to me.
- what the fuck, dont call me that ! - I frowned at him and weakly punched his shoulder.
- Why tho, Chu Chu ?- Hé continued to stare at me with those annoying eyes.
- because it's annoying, you bandage waste,- I shouted at him, I knew I always get angry too easily.
- well, at least my bandages are useful!
- yeah, as if!- I rolled my eyes again, it seems I do that a lot while with him.
- don't be mad, Chu Chu,- Dazai put his hand on my head and messed my red hair.
- Stop!- I shouted and my face went as red as my hair.- you know I hate that!
- yeah, that's exactly why I did it,- Dazai smiled and tugged one of my loose curls behind my ear.
- ugh, get off!- I shouted and turned around, still weirdly blushing from embarrassment. I always kept my hair neat, because it looked stupid otherwise and I hated when people saw me with it messed up, even worse if someone messed it up themselves.
I snuggled my knees closer to me and leaned against the wall to my right side. we were sitting on a hotel bed, me on the left and Dazai on the right.
After a few silent minutes, I felt Dazai leaning his back against mine, but I didn't protest, it felt more comfortable this way.
***
- Chuuya, you idiot!- Dazai shouted when he saw my arm deeply cut, I didn't notice a hidden attack.
- Go after him, I'm fine!- I shouted back, trying to hold my arm hard enough to stop the bleeding.
- I knew you were an idiot, but not that idiotic!- Dazai ran to me.- I'm staying here, we'll get them later.
- it's already morning, wake up, bastard!- I heard someone shout, this time it wasn't from my dream.
- huh?- I raised my head and immediately felt someone stab me in it. I didn't remember how much I drank, but it for sure was more than I could handle, this was the worst hangover ever.
- i said, get out of the bar, it's not a homeless shelter!- the bartender shouted at me again, trying to wipe the counter that I blocked with my body.
- yeah, of course,- I mumbled ignoring his kind of offensive remarks, my whole body and mind were too sore to care about that now.
I got up from a third attempt, my knees hardly kept me up, but I felt something slide off my shoulders as I stood up.
I looked around and my eyes suddenly widened. A thin, light brown coat with a belt in the middle, the same color as the coat.
I swiftly grabbed it from the ground and brought it to my face. it smells like him. Fuck!
I didn't know whether to be angry or glad that I fell asleep and didn't see him. Maybe he just left? or maybe he walked in while the mafia was still here? what was he doing here? why did he decided to give me his coat?
did you do this to hurt me more, Dazai? so you even know, that you hurt me? Or do you think I'm genuinely happy that you're gone?!
wait, maybe I should be happy! After years of your hot and cold treatment, after all your manipulation, I'm free of this! you know what, yes, I should be happy! you were the worst person in my life!
fuck it, I'm going to cry again. but no, this time it's different. I'm done with your shit, Dazai! you can't just leave one day and then give me hope the other! just vanish, once and for all!!
I noticed that I'm gripping his coat so hard that my fingers were hurting. I calmed myself and gently placed his coat on the same seat that I just sat on.
I'm done, Dazai.
With sudden peace and relief I walked out of the bar and met the sun shining in my eyes. my body was still sore and my head hurted from all the alcohol, but my mind was clear. I sorted out the most unpredictable part of my life, I'm way better now. it will be better.
Dazai's pov
this is the first time I'm going to this bar without expecting Oda to be here... I sighed and pulled the doorknob. I never was the type to grief over death, rather it always followed me, but never got to me.
with each loss I felt a part of me going dark, but it was always just a part and I could ignore it. maybe it was wrong to be like this, but as a murderer it made it easer.
Be on the side that saves people.
I'm trying, Oda. See, I'm taking the first step!
I never thought I would leave the port mafia, but here I am. In fact, it was way easier than I thought. I just called Mori and that's it. Now I'm just a nobody rushing through the streets.
I sat on in my usual place and ordered the same drink as always. I wonder, what will I do now? How can I be better?..
I swore to him that I'll be better, and that's the first promise that I'm not going to break. Oda was the first person to declare me as a friend, such an unusual way to describe me. I was never someone's friend, I was too indecisive, too reckless, too manipulative to have a strong bond with anyone. But Oda said I was his friend. He put up with all my bullshit and didn't leave me.
I tapped my glass for a few times, enjoying the sound that it made. it was already past midnight, but this bar was always open and it was the only place I could visit that reminded me of my whole life.
I took out a photo from my pocket. it was a small one that could easily fit in my hand, but for me it was more precious than anything. Oda and me were sitting on these same seats and smiling, meanwhile Ango looked irritated at us for deciding to take this photo. I smiled remembering this day, but suddenly a drop ruined a corner of it.
what? I'm crying? that's weird...
I wiped my eyes unnaturally, it was strange for me. Wow, Oda, you made me cry.
I sat there for a good hour. I didn't drink much, I just had a lot to think about. on my way back to the door, I noticed something red from the corner of my eyes.
I quickly walked over to a passed out man, sleeping on the counter.
you never know when to stop drinking, Chuuya,- I thought.
it's good that he's asleep. if he was up, we would start a fight and I would say some nasty things to him. I guess that's the first time that I care. I already know what he would say.
,, why did you leave the port mafia?! "
Chuuya wouldn't understand it. and I'm not up to fight him anyway. In the port mafia he was my partner and I loved to annoy him, but we never got close, like me and Oda.
When I think about it, I don't feel bad for leaving him or anyone in there. I just don't care about it, not that I ever did.
However, maybe I'll leave something for him, so he could remember me.
I removed my thin coat and put it around Chuuya's shoulders.
you know, you were fun to be around, Chu Chu. Sweet dreams!
I smiled at him for the last time and couldn't stop myself from touching his hair. I gently caressed it and then turned around, with a rather cold expression.
I won't feel sorry for doing this.
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I'll check my grammar later, it's already 5am, I just really want to publish this now, I swear I'll correct everything tommorow, the thing is that I was thinking about this plot for like a week and I couldn't stop writing till I was done so let me sleep in peace now.✌️- author