It had been one month and seven days since the Met Gala. Taylor was still staying in L.A, and she was feeling happier than she had in months. She had spent nearly every day with Adam, and he'd been so kind. Yesterday she woke up to flowers on her doorstep from him, and they were now sitting by her piano. She spent a lot of the time that she wasn't with him, looking at his flowers.
It was a relief to her when Joe's face began to fade into the foreground of her mind, when she could sleep without dreaming of him. When she could close her eyes without picturing him standing there in front of her. Today, she was going out for dinner with Adam. It was going to be the first time that the two of them were being seen out in public together. She was trying not to be too stressed about that, about what they were going to say. She was always terrified of what they'd release about her, it was probably going to be a list of all her past boyfriends and what exactly she'd done to scare them off. It was a waiting game, those articles hanging over her head. Adam had reassured her several times that he didn't care what the media had to say about her, that they didn't really know what was going on in her life. Oh, how right he'd become.
Adam was picking her up at six o'clock, and the day dragged on. She walked around the house with Olivia following along behind her, every step of the way. She didn't even know what to do to occupy herself, because all she could think about was Adam. How he'd treated her so kindly and how he'd kiss her cheek whenever he said goodbye. How he'd text her in the middle of the night just to let her know that he couldn't stop thinking about her. She hadn't felt like this in such a long time, and she couldn't help but ask Karlie if she was free this afternoon. She had tried hard to keep in contact with her friends even though she felt as if she didn't deserve any of them. She'd caught up with Selena earlier in the week, which had been so lovely considering that they'd both been so busy over the last few months.
Selena was always the friend she went to when life got too much, when the cameras and the paparazzi became too overwhelming. She understood exactly how Taylor felt, understood the pressure to be perfect and just how bad words could hurt. Sometimes when things got really bad, the two of them would meet at Taylor's house and they would spend the entire day baking, drinking wine and swimming in the pool.
Taylor was so grateful to have friends like Selena, like Karlie and Blake. She was so glad that they all knew what it was like to live in the spotlight. She couldn't wait to talk to Karlie, it felt like they hadn't seen each other for too long, they had so many things to discuss. She couldn't wait to talk about Adam, about how nice he was and how he always seemed to know what to say. That they'd spent practically every single day together, relaxing by the pool, baking cupcakes, watching Netflix and laughing. She'd even played some of that song she'd written after he'd first come around to her apartment. Of course, she didn't mention the fact that she hadn't written it with him in mind. She didn't mention the fact that she had written it thinking of another. He had loved it, and he said that some day they'd release it together.
"So you mean to tell me that he walked up to you, taking your hand and kissing it?" Karlie exclaimed as the two of them lay by the pool. "How romantic!" Taylor laughed at how excited she was, at the way she couldn't keep it in. "He sounds really nice! And I bet those flowers must have been super expensive- and the fact that the two of you have been spending all day every day together? Wow. I just can't believe that - it all just sounds so fucking romantic!" And she knew that it was romantic, and she'd never experienced anything like it before. She'd never had anyone buy her flowers like that, or offer to write a song with her. She could tell that he genuinely wanted to be with her, and that was nice, because she hadn't felt that way in any of her past relationships. She'd always felt as if they didn't truly want to be with her, that they felt pressure to be with her. She understood it, because realistically there was just so much pressure when they were with her. And the media certainly didn't help that, with all their stories about her being a psycho serial dater. But Adam seemed to ignore all of that, constantly telling her that he didn't ever pay attention to what they said, that it was all bullshit. It was reassuring to hear him say stuff like that, because sometimes the headlines and their stories could be so convincing that Taylor couldn't help but believe a lot of them herself.
"We're going out for dinner tonight, which is kind of scary because it's going to be the first time we've been seen out in public together," Taylor smiled. "But I think that's it's going to be so nice, and he told me that it's a surprise, but to wear something a little formal." Taylor couldn't help but feel really excited. She really liked spending time with him, loved to talk to him and laugh with him.
She always found herself thinking about why he had chosen to come up to her, why he'd chosen to kiss her hand out of all the other women that he could have. And he could have had any number of people in that room. But he'd chosen to walk up to her, and greet her with that irresistible smile.
She sat in the sun with Karlie, excited to see what the future held between her and Adam. She was nervous, but she also found herself feeling rather excited - which was a feeling she hadn't felt in months.
He'd done it. He'd tried so hard not to give in to the temptation of it, but he couldn't help it. He just couldn't see another way to make the pain go away, to get that numbness to leave him. He'd recently realised that feeling something... feeling anything, was better than feeling nothing at all. To feel that pain of those scars was easier than to sit in his bedroom feeling as if he was the only person in the world. He wished that he didn't know what it felt like, feeling that sharp edge against his skin, feeling his mind become quiet as the physical pain took over. He hated to feel numb. It was a feeling that scared him... that feeling of watching the world go by but not being able to play a part in it. Watching it fall out of your grasp but you're frozen and can't hold onto it. A train moving too fast that you can't follow.
He cursed when he looked at himself in the mirror, cursed at what he saw. Those dark grey circles under his eyes, the way his cheeks had begun to look gaunt because most of the time he wasn't in the right frame of mind to eat. Sometimes even the most simple tasks took the life out of him. Some days he'd feel fine, other days he'd wish for it all to stop. Wish for his life and his name to slip into oblivion. Wish for the pain to end, the suffering to cease. He knew how to soothe them, knew how to wash them, dry them and bandage them in a way that would mean minimal scarring. He'd done it too many times and he wasn't proud of it, but he'd remind himself that it was better than making it all stop. He tried so hard to be kind to himself, so hard to find the light in him, but sometimes the darkness was too overbearing that there was just no way he could. But he tried. And that was the thing he clung to.
He managed to convince himself to get up and go to the gym, which he was proud of himself for doing. He liked to go to the gym because it helped to distract him from his mind, helped him to sweat away the pain. Taylor's face still burned as bright in his mind as it did the night after they'd met. He had even been out on a date with a girl he'd known in high school that was in NYC for a couple of weeks, but the whole time he was talking to her, he couldn't stop thinking about Taylor.
He'd seen the photos that she'd begun to post of hanging out with her friends by the pool, and he'd even seen a photo that Adam had posted of her a few days ago. At first it had annoyed him and he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it for two entire days, but he had looked at it again and he'd seen that smile on her face and he couldn't deny how happy she looked. Perhaps it wasn't meant to be.
Joe got onto the treadmill, headphones on and began to run. He couldn't stop thinking about the fact that Taylor didn't even need someone like him in her life anyway. She didn't need someone who couldn't keep it together. She didn't need someone who wasn't happy. She needed someone who could make her smile, make her laugh. And it seemed to him, that Adam did just that. It began to hurt too much to think about her. To think about the way he'd know her lips, the sorts of jokes that really made her smile, all of her favourite places in the world or the words she mumbled in her sleep. He'd fucked up and now he'd never get to know all of those things. He'd never fucking get to know why she had looked so sad that night or why she'd not stood with her friends. Thinking about her only made him run faster.
He was so tired of feeling too much. It was exhausting.
"Hey, Mum," Joe said softly on the phone as he sat in his car. He didn't want to be alone anymore. It was honestly doing his head in. "I was just wondering if it would suit you... if I came home for a while?"
"Of course it is, Joseph! Is everything alright? You sound sad," His mother said and he sighed. Why did everyone insist on asking the very questions that he dreaded? Why did they all ask him if he was okay? He was an actor. He knew how to be okay better than anyone.
"I'm fine! I'm just missing home a little bit, so I just thought I'd ask you if I could come home. I'll book the flights as soon as I get home. How's dad? How's Patrick? And Thomas?"
He heard his Mum yelling to his father about the fact he was coming home. He didn't hear his father's reply. "That is so exciting! We all can't wait to see you! It's been much too long, Joe! But I'll make sure to clear out the guest bedroom for you. Patrick can't wait to see you - I know that he has been missing all the jokes that the two of you share!"
Joe couldn't help but smile. He loved Patrick, and if he needed a laugh, then he would generally always go to him. Patrick had the best sense of humour he knew. He also liked to ask Joe if he could ever move to New York with him, staying in his apartment and being 'flat mates' as Patrick had called it. Now, Joe loved being with his brother, but he couldn't imagine living alone with him. Even though he didn't want to be alone anymore - he also didn't want Patrick talking to him about plants twenty four hours a day.
"Well... I will let you know what time my plane gets in."
"We'll come and pick up! Oh, Joe. I hope that you haven't been too lonely over there. We've missed you lots." He could hear the worry in his mother's voice and felt bad. So he did what he always did, and made his voice happier. He smiled even though he wasn't happy, and he answered as if he was the happiest person alive.
"I've got lots of friends in New York, Mum! In fact, I'm hardly ever alone, I've always got one of them staying over." He hated how quickly he could lie. "I'm doing good, I just need to come home for a while and get away from everything." He wished that he didn't feel like he had to lie, and was disappointed in himself for doing it. But lying was better than hearing the worry in his mother's voice. He knew she was always worried about him, and he didn't want her to see how close he was to falling apart. He didn't want anyone to see that side of him; so he suffered in silence with a smile on his face.