(A/N) TW: Hey there, I just wanted to iterate that this chapter contains description and details of a panic attack and may be triggering for some readers.
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Nervous was no longer an appropriate description to reflect the sheer terror washing over me, pummeling like a suffocating ocean wave, it's bitter intensity burning and raw. If I thought the train ride was going to be bad, it was a walk in the park compared to the feeling of getting off that train and being hit with the reality of the schools presence impending nearer.
My body racked with fear, the only mild relief from this sickening sensation was when I momentarily allowed my mind to wander and fixate upon the idea of a certain redhead. Holy fuck was he attractive. There must have been a considerable number of times throughout the rest of the journey I convinced myself I was magnifying his beauty inside my mind, because no one can look that good.
"It's just through here" Her voice was mellow and calm, as though perhaps she could see the harsh terror creeping onto my features, the nauseating fear ebbing away at me. I followed Hermione through the Gryffindor common room and up one of two spiral staircases situated towards the back.
"You'll be staying with me, just you and I. I hope that's ok, if you're not happy we could-" Hermione began rambling breathlessly, although I felt slightly guilty for making her so nervous, I found slight comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one who was prepared to break down at the drop of a hat.
"It's perfect Hermione" I interjected before her speech grew too excessive.
I was already warming to Hermione. Her scatty yet somehow perfectly organised brain and her light sarcasm that she concealed so well with her strong intellect, she seemed like the type of person who I would take a liking to from a young age, had I ever had the opportunity to make friends earlier than the age of sixteen.
She didn't feel the need to press me into answering the thousands of questions, although I could sense them on the tip of her tongue. I didn't blame her for it, it's not everyday you meet the daughter of a convicted murderer. It was briefly silent before Hermione perked up once again.
"How come you're already in Gryffindor? I didn't think anyone was allowed to skip the sorting ceremony" Her tone was delicate and she spoke slowly, almost as though her words were being processed through a vigorous filter, like I was a china doll, one wrong move and I'd crack.
"I spoke to Remus about not wanting to face the entire school on my first day. The thought of it made me sick" I noticed how intently she listened, as if she didn't want to miss a single word. "So he spoke to Dumbledore and I got sorted at Grimmauld Place a few months ago" I involuntarily shuddered at the memory of being there.
She didn't respond after that. Not from a place of insult, there was just simply nothing more to say.
And so we spent the next hour emptying our bags and chatting absentmindedly about school, and by we I mean I allowed Hermione to nervously ramble whilst I took in what she had to say.
I noted that the mixture of advice from Sirius and Hermione didn't leave Snape coming out particularly strong in anyone's books.
We got changed into our robes and made our way to the great hall for the introduction feast, stopping on the way through the common room and rejoining Harry and Ron.
"Ardelle, we have to take you there sometime, we can go this weekend. Honeydukes is wicked" Ron was smiling at me like a giddy child, with a grin plastered across his freckled face. Never in all my life had I ever seen someone so excited about sweets, but I would soon learn that was Ronald Weasley to a tee.
I nodded along with what he was saying absentmindedly as we made our way into the great hall, and holy shit did it live up to its name.
The room was enchanting. Hundreds, if not thousands of candles sprawled across the beautiful arched ceiling, although it didn't take long before my eyes broke past the candles and were fixated upon the gorgeous night sky above.
I followed Hermione to the Gryffindor table and sat myself down next to her, the boys seating themselves opposite, my gaze wandering from person to person as people packed their way into the hall.
The limit of the rooms capacity was tested as the number of students piling in increased along with my heart rate, I scoured the space with my eyes desperately until they fell to the front of the room and my gaze locked with Remus's.
'Deep breaths, pup' he mouthed through the hussle of people making their way to their assigned tables. Instant relief washed over me as it often did in the presence of Remus's reassurance. I gave him a thankful nod and he flashed a sympathetic smile before resuming his conversation with the man to his left.
The crowd inevitably died down and the room fell eerily silent as Dumbledore stepped up to greet the room. He welcomed back the school before gesturing to an older looking witch who proceeded with the sorting ceremony.
It looked like social suicide, a kind of torture you would look back on in years to come and squirm at the thought of your younger self, faced with all those people, thousands of eyes fixated upon you. Thank fuck I got myself out of that, I really didn't need everybody knowing who I was before classes had even started.
The ceremony had since finished, relatively quickly I noticed, or maybe it just felt quick as I had spent the duration discreetly staring at Fred, who had sat himself next to me. His scent was intoxicating and overpowered my senses. Why did he have to sit so bloody close?
"And now for the announcement of the 4th year Prefects" Dumbledore's voice boomed through the hall and knocked me from my gaze, disrupting the vision of beauty before me.
Hermione was squirming beside me, looking visibly uncomfortable. I turned my head to Harry and raised my eyebrow at him questioningly, then gestured to Hermione.
"Hermione put her name in the ballot for prefect before we broke up from school in the summer. You become prefect from age sixteen and then next year she can go for head girl" Harry responded and before I could say a thing Hermione snapped her head in our direction.
"I can only go for head girl if I become prefect this year" She practically spat at him, clearly frustrated and overwhelmed with anxiety.
I responded to her increasing levels of frustration, in the only way I knew how, the way Remus responded to mine. I placed my hand on her shoulder and demonstrated a deep breath before encouraging her to replicate it, which she did, before smiling gratefully and then turning her attention back to Dumbledore.
"Thank you for all the candidates that applied, myself and Mcgonagall have sorted through all the applications and have chosen the four prefects that we believe will represent what Hogwarts best stands for" He spoke in a informative manner but buried beneath his stern facade, a softer and gentler man shone through.
"So please give a round of applause for the following students"
I could practically hear Hermione's heart beat from beside me. Her leg was bouncing furiously under the table with no intention of slowing down. Until suddenly, it did. I glanced down momentarily to see Ron's leg interlinked with Hermione's, seemingly calming her down. I flashed him a warm grin and my heart warmed slightly at the idea of the two of them, a possibility I hadn't considered until this small gesture, although once I did, their connection was painfully obvious.
"Hannah Abbott, Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy"
My heart sank. Initially I wasn't sure why I could feel impending panic washing over me, but slowly my brain comprehend what I had just heard. Immediately the room around me started spinning, the cheers and shouts of encouraging peers all morphing into hazy clouds of incoherent sound. I tried desperately to calm my breathing as my eyes searched for Remus, but I was unsuccessful.
My heart was thumping so loud it slowly became the only sound I was sure of. "Ardelle? You ok?" Harry asked, although it was faint and I could barely hear him and I was in no frame of mind to respond to his concern without bursting into child like sobs.
The heated burn in my heart was rising, filling my chest and making its way into my head. The pain so numbing I couldn't help but choke slightly from the lack of ventilation.
I swung my legs over the bench and desperately tried to fix my gaze upon the door, I just needed to get outside. I slowly started walking towards the entrance of the great hall. I wasn't entirely sure if anyone even noticed, or if everyone noticed, but I didn't care, I just needed to leave.
Once I had stepped out of the hall I threw myself against the wall just outside, my legs were far too weak to hold me up any longer. As my body came crashing down and my back made contact with the wall, I let out a fairly audible sob as I fought for air.
My cries increased considerably in volume as my body convulsed rapidly and my chest was rising and falling as I so desperately tried to catch my breath. I brought my knees up to my chest and placed my forehead into them shielding myself from the world.
I waited, waited for Remus's grip. I waited to feel my head fall into his chest and for his sweet humming and the subtle yet ever so comforting scent of tea to pull me back into reality.
This panic had been going on so long that the nerves had started converting into nothing but pain and fear, intense fear that my remaining breath was slowly fleeting and I could not pull myself back together. And there it was, the final straw, the last of my compurse slipping through my fingers, as the walls crumbling down and the floor no longer apparent beneath me.
Nothing was clear except the sound of the doors to the great hall in front of me swinging open and a tall figure threw himself down to reach my level.
Fred.
He took my hands and gripped them within his own, but not before lifting my chin slightly with the tips of his fingers so that my gaze locked with his. He took a large and full breath, gesturing for me to replicate it but it was no use. My body continued to shake and my sobs only became more violent as the embarssent sunk in.
"Ardelle. Ardelle look at me. You're safe, I promise you are safe. I'm here and I am not going to let anything bad happen. I need you to try and breathe with me" His tone was so collected, warm like Remus's but something about it was uniquely his own.
I nodded slowly and watched him take another deep and heavy breath, squeezing my hands tighter within his own as he did so. I managed to replicate the inhale before choking and sputtering from lack of air.
"You did so well, again for me. In and hold it" I copied his movements. "Good, now release" and I did. This continued for what felt like hours before he had successfully brought me back to a reasonable state.
"George is going to get Lupin ok?" He spoke clearly and reassuringly as he gently eased the strength of his grip on my hands. I shot my head to look at him and gripped his hands tighter, I wasn't ready to let go.
"Woah woah it's ok, I won't let go, I've got you, I'm right here" Fred chuckled softly as he tightened his grip on mine and repositioned himself on the floor looking even more uncomfortable than I must have. His long limbs crushed under his heavy torso, although the look on his face didn't display that he minded.
Before long the doors swung open again and this time that initial embarrassment had evaporated and I was left drained and hollow, longing for Remus's embrace.
"Pup? You're ok, I'm here" He was quiet and close as he pulled himself onto the floor next to Fred.
His tone was consoling but reserved. He knew what had gotten me into this state, he knew, although he still acted as though he didn't. In that moment I couldn't help but allow the tears to free fall once again.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I said sharply, I tried so desperately to not let my tone creep up but I was clearly failing by the expression on the twins faces.
"I know Poppet, I really should have, I was just so happy when you finally decided to come here, I didn't want to say anything that would change your mind. Dad seemed to be ok with it" I could sense his guilt but I couldn't seem to sympathise with him, not now.
"That wasn't your call to make, and he is not my dad" I spat bitterly, irate and breathless, so much so my grip on Freds hand was turning both our knuckles white and I tried to release from fear of hurting him but he wouldn't let me. Instead he gave me a small smile and the look in his eyes said 'Its ok, I'm here'.
"Did you not think I would find out? That I have to go to school with him. He is going to be in my fucking classes. How could you not think to warn me?" My tone was escalating now, my body seething with raw and hot anger.
"Oh yeah of course, that's right because the only thing on your mind, ever, is Sirius. Not once have you asked me how I would feel if he was back" The tears burnt my cheeks and impaired my vision but I didn't seem to care. "You just want him here so you can have the real thing back. I'm not good enough as his replacement anymore, I filled that void for a little while but it seems it's no longer enough"
"Ardelle, let's not do this he-" He tried to interject and bring my attention to the fact that students had since started pouring out of the great hall but I swiftly picked back up my sentence and raised my tone.
"I am not finished. And now I have to attend school, in the same year as Draco Malfoy?" The words tasted bitter in my mouth. How could he think this was ok? I felt sick at that thought of what I was about to say next, the tears still shamelessly streaming down my face, leaving violent streams of crimson in their wake, and dampening my clothes. "Draco Malfoy?!.. The son of the man who killed my mum?" I practically screamed those last three words. I wanted Remus to feel every last piece of pain, every last thread of sanity within me break. And he did.
The space around us fell dreadfully silent. I hadn't noticed in my adrenaline fueled rage the crowd of people gathered around us, one of which being Malfoy who stood astonished at my words.
I used my grip on Fred to haul my body from the ground and barged my way through the crowds of people, pushing unapologetically. I wasn't even entirely sure I knew how to make it back to the common room myself but I didn't care, I needed to be as far away from Remus as I could, and I definitely needed to be away from him.
I threw my body down on the couch of the common room, sinking into the deep burgundy cushions and allowing the soft crackle of the fire to immerse my senses.
The anger boiling inside me was unlike any other pain I had ever experienced. I wasn't sure why it hurt so bad. Perhaps because a perfect lie hurts more than an honest truth?
Remus had never lied to me, never given me a reason not to trust him, never. Well at least not until today. When everybody you have ever known walks away, for one reason or another, it is hard to not believe the rest of the world plans to do the same. But it was never like that with Remus, it was always honest and trusting, but maybe he's just like the rest of them after all.
The very notion of losing Remus in the vast sea of people, those who are ultimately only out there to break you, made my stomach churn. I allowed myself to dwell for a while, ponder upon how on earth this situation was going to unravel further, until my train of thought was brought to halt by the shuffle of feet entering the common room.
"Mind if we join you?" The voice was soft and tender, not pushy but concerned.
I lifted my head off the couch and directed my attention towards the voice. Hermione stood over me, a sympathetic smile pulling at her lips, behind her stood Harry, Ron, George, Fred and a redheaded girl who I didn't recognise.
I responded with a gentle nod and the group responded by gathering themselves around me. Ron, Hermione and George taking the couch to my right, Harry sitting in the armchair to my left, with the redhead girl sitting comfortably on his lap, and Fred making his way over to sit beside me.
Fred placed his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him, allowing me to rest my head into his warm chest. He slowly dipped his head down behind me until his mouth was level with my ear. "Feeling calmer now?" he questioned, his warm breath on my ear causing my whole body to erupt in goosebumps and my stomach to practically melt.
I could only nodded response, the ability to form any kind of coherent sentence seemed to be something I no longer possessed.
"I'm Ginny by the way, these three gits.." she motioned to the ginger boys scattered across the room. "..Sister" she finished.
"We wanted to make sure you were ok, that was quite a show" Ron spoke up.
"Yeah, I mean you don't have to talk to us but we're here. All of us" George added, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt a small sense of belonging. It was only small, but it was there nonetheless.
"Thanks guys, I don't really have much to say, I said it all back there, I'm just sorry that you were any part of that". I really meant it. It was sickening to think that that image of me screaming and crying on the floor will forever be burnt into their brains.
"Don't be stupid" Ginny perked up from her seat upon Harry. "We all have our baggage" Her tone was sincere although I placed no belief within her words.
I practically scoffed. "Yeah sure, because you all have problems like that" I wasn't sure why I didn't want to except that I wasn't alone but something in me told me it was easier that way, not dragging anybody into my insufferable mess.
I glanced around the room to gage everybody's responses. They all looked dreadfully uneasy, when suddenly an almost visible idea shot to Ron's head. He took a deep sigh before speaking.
"Sometimes I wonder if my mum is ever going to see me for who I am, rather than the shadow of my brothers" Ron's voice wavered slightly but he held his composure well, his eyes looked so honest and pure.
A small smile tugged at my lips and my heart began to swell slightly when I had realised what Ron was trying to do. Although after he had spoken, the room fell silent, and nobody was entirely sure what to make of his statement. Until Ginny spoke up.
"I don't think I'll ever have what it takes to be a professional quidditch player" She chuckled at herself slightly but her words still felt heavy nonetheless.
"I only went for prefect because I'm worried nothing I do is good enough" Hermione was barely audible but she knew we heard her.
"I'm fairly confident I'm a huge disappointment to my parents in comparison to my siblings" Fred tone broke slightly as he spoke, his iridescent honey eyes staring deep into the fire, I watched as the harsh flames reflected within them.
"I think I love somebody who doesn't love me" George's words rested heavy on my ears for a moment before I absorbed them. His face seemed as though he had been battling with that thought for a while and only now had he chosen to voice it.
"I don't feel deserving of my parents brave name" Harry too was quiet, as he purposefully muffled his voice into Ginny's shoulder.
I sat there, astounded for a moment. The honesty in the air was palpable and somehow my problems seemed so insignificant, in the best possible way.
"See Ardelle, we all have baggage. Things that we are embarrassed of, or scared to admit. But that doesn't make us love each other any less. We would never turn out back on one another, and I think I speak for us all when I say no one is going to walk away from you if you let us in" Fred's deep voice was gravelly and gruff as it echoed in my ears slightly. He was so sincere, like he meant every word. And somehow I seemed to believe him.
I looked around the rest of the group who all held the same earnest expression. I had known these people barely a day and somehow in that moment I had never felt more at home.
"Thank you all, so much" and I truly meant it. "I am exhausted, but do you think I could do something before I go to bed?"
They surveyed my expression before all responding with cautious nods. I sprinted up to my dorm and returned seconds later with the polaroid Remus had given me earlier that day. I practically laughed when Harry and Hermione seemed to be the only ones who had a clue what I was holding.
"It's a camera, look just come and stand around me" I gestured for the others to make their way around me and they did. We shuffled in close and I could feel my breath hitch as Fred knelt down beside me and unconsciously snaked his arm around my waist, or at least I told myself it was unconsciously.
"One, two, three" I gave the button two sharp clicks and watched as the flash blinked twice and George groaned from the intensity of the light.
The two almost identical photographs shot out of the camera and I held them up to display to the group. They were perfect, everyone looked so happy, like real genuine happiness.
"Wicked"
"Bloody brilliant"
"Why did you print two?"
I turned my head towards Harry at the sound of his question, smiling at him as I took a second, asking my brain if I was really going to do this. Yes, I was.
"There is something I have to do, I'll see you guys tomorrow" I smiled at their confused expressions but continued to make my way back upstairs.
Once I had locked the door to the entryway of my dorm, I sat down and pulled out a piece of parchment from next to my bed. I took a long and deep inhale and closed my eyes tired eyes for a moment. I was really doing this.
I began writing.
You're wrong you know, about me looking like mum, everybody tells me I look like you.
-Ardelle
I folded up the paper and shakily placed it within an envelope and sealed it, but not before slipping one of the photographs inside. I addressed the back as neatly as I could.
To: Sirius Black
Resident of Azkaban Prison
Cell A72