CHAPTER 1
PRESENT
"You waste time existing." His lips twist as his mouth curls as if he's aiming to throw the hurt and puke out the venom he's feeling.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I'm taken aback. I've known that his feelings had been a mess. But not what this mess spirals into.
"What I mean to say is that you're just existing with Cassiel!" He takes a deep breath, his voice is chilling when he looks at me. "You live with me, Ange."
I'm speechless, but all I can do is inhale. The way he's looking at me right now makes me know no bounds when it comes to him. To us. About us. I need to throw this out there before I listen to what I should feel. Before I forget what I really feel.
But, I know it's wrong. It's against my modus operandi. I have to do the right thing even in my sleep. All I want right now is to kiss him. Hard.
Daniel Miles is looking at me in a way that every girl wants to be looked at. His gaze is erupting goosebumps on the exposed skin of my thighs. Suddenly, he closes the distance between us. As his hands lie on my left shoulder, I feel electricity-like shocks that shoot up through my entire arm. The sensation makes me retract a step.
"This is not good." My hands are limp and in an electric flux frenzy. I need to remember how to breathe.
"I know," he rests his forehead against mine. "I wish this wasn't so hard. That you were mine. And," his fingers lace under the very thin material of my cami dress, "...so many other things."
I'm dizzy and I need a minute. I take a step back but he places his hand on my waist and flips me around. He rests his chin on my shoulder, hugging my stomach from behind. "Don't go," he said.
But, I don't listen to him. It is time to go.
***
It's usual for Cass. He's busy. He's working. It's the weekend. We've had plans that are not looking up. I miss him.
"Where are you?" I text him.
I don't hold my breath because it has become a constant with him. Him working late hours doesn't help me in any way. I feel ignored, neglected, and it's nothing new. This scares me. This scares the hell out of me.
When did things come to this?
After ten minutes, the phone buzzes and the wooden desk vibrates, disturbing the silence. I scoot forward to check it. Do I want this? Do I really want this? Do I want to live like this?
I deserve so much more. For better or for worse.
I wipe a silent tear as I unlock the front screen to read a message from a guy who means the world to me.
"Sorry love. Can't make it," the message reads. "Work calling. I'll be over your place as soon as I can sort this crap up. Love you. X"
I let the screen die as the words reverberate in my head. Okay, so it has come to this. I need to accept it. It's not too late. Or is it? What I do in the next few minutes, is something I'll regret for the rest of my life. I know I will.
I pick up my phone and look for Daniel Miles' number. I hit the dial button. Miles calling. Miles ringing. Miles picks up.
His voice drawls into a low whisper through the static, "Why are you still awake?"
"I never sleep this early," I said.
"You called in sick today, remember?" He's stating the obvious. He's stating what he shouldn't state, that there's no hope, no volition, no sanity if I'm embarking on what I think I'm embarking.
"Uh, umm, yeah. But I feel like eating something. But not alone," I gulp.
"Cass is still working out late?" His fingers are drumming on a table, and it hums in the background pulling me into calmness.
"Yep," I sigh.
"Want me to pick up Chinese and come over?" He's treading the waters.
"Yeah... no," I can't bring him here. To our place. "Let's go somewhere. I feel like taking a walk."
"Okay then. Be there in fifteen. Wear something warm. It's cold outside," He sounds happier now, I can feel his happiness seeping through this small electronic device.
"Yes."
The call ends.
"What have I done?" My inner conscience or voice, whatever, asks. "You've done what's right for you. You deserve the best. Remember?"
I walk dazed in my thoughts to my closet to pick out a warm sweater and a coat. I run a brush through my hair to escape the dilemma in my head. I need a distraction so, I start putting makeup on my face.
After I get ready, I slip on my boots and walk to the living room's sofa and plop myself down. New York gets awfully cold this time of the year. It's cold, sticky, and dull. The combination I hate the most.
I check my phone's screen again. Five minutes and he'll be here. Five minutes before I lose all control. Over my life and my train of thoughts. And, probably over me. You can fully commit. Can't you?
There's a knock on the front door. Sadly, I've lost all control on my thoughts a long time ago. I walk and wrap my hands around my slim waist.
The door clicks as I open it. He's wearing his brown leather jacket and black boots, somehow matching me. His forest green, somber eyes are a whole different story.
He pulls out his iPhone from his jeans pocket when he's slowly checking me out from top to bottom. He doesn't hide. He lets me know he's watching, observing me. I kind of like it.
"How many points?" I ask him.
"Huh?" He licks his lips, as he puckers the top of the one he's now biting on.
Daniel Miles is a fine man. There's no denying that. He smells of fresh peppermint after wash and a woody essence which makes me slightly weak in my knees. He's standing really close to me, his back meeting the back of the door frame and his right foot propped on the walls. He's doing a lot of leaning. Sexy leaning. "Danger, it's red!" my inner voice screams.
"You're checking me out. How. Many. Points?" I curl my mouth in pantomime distaste.
"Three," He smirks.
I slap his shoulder, rolling my eyes. "Whatever."
He laughs. "Six," I step closer to him. He inhales harshly, lowering his head to mine and basking in the brownness of my eyes.
I lose my balance, and his long arms wrap themselves on my waist. The first moment his hands meet my body, electricity jolts in my stomach. So I keep my head up and slightly stand more upright to match his tall frame, whispering calmly in his right ear, "Now?"
"Six."
"You're an asshole," I said. His grip tightens around me as a bubble of laughter erupts from both of our chests and envelops us.
"Ready to go?" He brings my body closer to his.
"Where?" I watch his eyes closely, his body posture towards mine. He's close but still far away from me. He's keeping his distance as I asked.
"It's a surprise." He mumbles on my ear lobe.
"I hate surprises." I throttle.
"Nah, you love them." And he's right, I do love them. It's just a thing I say to everyone to not get disappointed or to build up expectations.
"You're a jerk," I give him a look, trying to get away from him slightly.
"Nine."
"What?" I look at him crazy.
"Nine tops. You're getting hotter by the minute," he chuckles, closing the distance I put forth, again.
"Why not ten?" I scoff.
"Lose your top. I'll give you a hundred." He sneers with a laugh.
I nudge him in the stomach. "You're an egocentric, devious asshole."
I'm now locking the front door of my house. As I slip the keys in my purse, he slips his fingers in mine. We start walking to the basement of the building where the parking space is.
As we're heading out to the outside area, our breaths are short and icy, but I feel warm. Fuzzy. Exhilarated.
He walks ahead of me. His fingers suddenly leave mine and I'm now mourning the sudden loss of them. He clicks the front doors of the car open, and he opens the passenger door for me. I slide in as he takes the driver seat. As he's driving the car out of the parking space, his fingers find mine again in my coat pocket. He holds them tightly inside the pocket and continues driving as it's the most casual thing in the world. As if he does this every day with everyone he meets.
At the moment, I'm warm again.
A message beeps my coat pocket in the left and this time, guilt jolts panic and nausea in my stomach.
I don't unlock the phone this time as the notification has Cassiel's name on top of it. I shove it back down to where it belongs. Deep in the intricacies of my life where it's trembling for existence.
Danny stops the car near a gas station and he says that he'll be back in five. I watch him go and pay on the cash register. I watch his back disappear in an aisle inside the small shop inside the gas station. I fight the urge to check Cassiel's messages. But then again, how am I supposed to let it go?
I find my phone again and watch the message lighten up the darkness in my life.
CASS: Sorry I missed our date. I'm thinking about you. Love you. Be back before two. X
A ball of cotton gets stuck in my throat and I don't know how to feel in this moment. I watch Danny talk with the cashier and head back to our car as the gas is filled up in the back. The cashier gets the job done and then he waves in the front mirror, signaling we can move.
Danny gets in the car quietly, and his fingers try to find mine again, but I make myself busy on my phone, checking my notifications. He drives with a slight, treacherous smile on his face.
And when I look outside my frosty, dew covered window, I see the sadness in my eyes reflected back in the window pane. The irony is that treachery is the last thing on my mind.
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© Anjali Sinha, 2021.
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