"Oh my god, it was great, wasn't it, Lauren? You missed so much, Ash," Sophie said with a laugh as the three of us walked down the school hallway. Busy, yet no one appeared to be in the way.
"I know, you keep telling me," I mumbled, rolling my eyes. Despite my efforts to change the subject, Sophie kept bringing it up.
"I can't believe you kissed Max," Sophie said again.
It was only yesterday that I told Lauren I had a crush on him, but clearly, that didn't matter. What could I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
It wasn't even lunchtime, and like a CD on repeat, I had heard how Luke got with Sophie, Max kissed Lauren, and Tasha gave Theo a blow job. I was so envious of their weekend.
I had spent mine watching the parent trap with my little auburn-haired sister and playing games on Neopets. And Saturday consisted of being dragged around the shops by Mum and visiting the grandparents on Sunday.
When I heard the camping continued all weekend, I was livid. Green with envy. I lost count of how many photos I looked at, wishing I was there and that it was me who was asleep under a pile of jackets.
Sat around a bonfire, eating marshmallows, and drinking Smirnoff ice is where I dreamt of being. I wasn't asking for a lot, and it was pitiful thinking about it, but it would have made my weekend. I had never even tried alcohol or been to a real party.
The games of truth and dare and spin the bottle were what the weekends were for. So I was told anyway. Not only did they sound fun, but as a teenager born in the noughties, alcopops, flares, glitter, cheesy music, and boys were life. And I was the only one not doing any of it.
I couldn't imagine talking to a boy for longer than ten minutes, let alone sleeping next to one.
It's not that I was shy. I was invisible and had parents who made my social life a living hell. They had made me the dull Ashley no one expected to show up without even doing anything remotely embarrassing. After years of repeated "My parents said no," I'm surprised that they still bothered to invite me. But being best friends with Lauren was the only reason why. And despite being in with the popular crowd, I had always been the outcast. Different.
Lauren was pretty, blue-eyed, blonde, slim, and bright. Every girl wanted to be her, and the boys all wanted to date her.
You might think, why are you complaining if she's your best friend? But our mums being friends and the two of us being together through school since we were five was the only reason I had front-row tickets to Lauren's life.
She never picked me. And seeing our differences, I knew I didn't belong with Lauren. But there I was, receiving her morning texts and a part of the gossip. Not that it came without significant effort.
I did everything to fit alongside Lauren and listened to her every critique. I wore shorter skirts, put more makeup on, and dressed in lower-cut tops. I didn't even like that girly fashion and sparkly glitter, and it also didn't like me; I just spent every day of my life doing what Lauren told me to.
Why?
I wanted the boys to say hi to me and to fit in with the crowd. I wanted to be like everybody else, and listening to Lauren was the only way.
Regardless, missing out on every get-together and opportunity to gain teenage experiences took its toll. All I ever was, was the lemon, the third wheel, the one who tagged along.
*
After a morning of lame science and interrupted maths, I earned myself lunchtime detention for laughing at Ben mocking the teacher. I didn't even think I could get detention during the fresher weeks. But it went without saying that school had always been against me, and I was starting to think it always would be. I only had two more years to endure.
I may not have been popular with the boys that way, but a few had become accustomed to my company—the troublemakers. Lauren and everybody else often looked down on them, which stupidly even made me jealous, seeing as they were noticed.
"Ash, are you busy after school?" Joe said, leaning back onto the back two legs of his chair, tilting it on my desk. I lifted my head and looked at him, then behind me and back, making sure I heard him correctly.
Tapping my pen on the paper I had been doodling on for the past half hour, I found my words and said, "Erm, no."
"Good. Can I meet you outside the front gates?" Oh my god, the day a boy asked me to hang out had finally come. And so unexpectedly too. Was it because I was now sixteen? Was that the ticket to high school stardom?
Joe's scruffy hair, round face, dark blue eyes, and small frame may not have been as charming as Max or Lewis's, but he was a boy, a popular boy. Being seen with him was what I needed to get on the map.
My lungs pulled in tight as I nodded a nervous yes, and he smiled at me and then turned back around. I watched his chair fall back to the ground, unable to wipe the massive grin from my face. His rasping voice asking a straightforward question lifted my spirits and made the clock move faster, and I couldn't wait to tell Lauren.
*
As the bell rang at three fifteen, I couldn't find my feet quick enough. I piled my stuff into my bag and ran through the school to find her.
"Joe, one of the smokers? I didn't know he liked you," Lauren muttered, hooking her arm through mine as we neared the gates.
I blushed. "We only see each other in detention, but me neither." She shrugged her shoulders with a small smile.
My belly cartwheeled at the thought of him standing outside the school waiting for me. Would he have any friends with him? Was I going to be part of a social gathering out of school hours? Eeeek, I was so excited.
There he was, stamping out a cigarette against the rough bricks. I approached, clinging to Lauren for dear life, trying to keep my cool. My empty hand gripped my bag strap that fell across my chest after I brushed my long chestnut locks behind my pierced ears, hoping I looked all right. I prayed that my eyeliner hadn't rubbed into the corner of my eyes, forming that strange goo and took a deep breath, giving him a little wave. He gave me a nod and walked casually towards us.
"There you are," Joe said, looking at me, then at Lauren. I smiled, my cheeks already glowing.
"Lauren, I wondered if you wanted to hang out in the park for a bit?" The warmth in my face slithered all over my body. No longer nervous but embarrassed. Joe's words pierced my baby skin, burrowed through my chest, and punctured my heart. Erm, what, was what I wanted to shout out loud.
"Err, aren't you going with Ashley?" she tried.
I fought every urge not to seem bothered about how humiliated I was, him having used me to get to her and not having figured it out. He didn't have any classes with her, and she no doubt would have shunned him if he approached her in her usual crowd of sports lads.
"No," he snickered, and my god, it hurt. "I knew you walked home together, that's all." He nodded a minor I'm sorry at me and then acted as if I wasn't there.
"Sorry, Joe, no. I'm walking with Ashley," Lauren started as she looked down at me hesitantly, shuffling her feet into the gravel.
"It's fine, Lauren. You go," I muttered, trying to soften the blow. "I was going into town anyway."
"Are you sure?" Lauren half-heartedly said, twiddling with my straightened hair as the three of us stood in now awkward silence.
"Positive."
"Okay," Lauren nodded. "I'll come with you," she said to Joe, grinning.
I walked down the steep hill from the secondary school with them until we reached the crossing, where they crossed without me towards the park. "See you tomorrow," Lauren said. I reluctantly waved.
My stomach knotted as I watched them walk closely, laughing. Joe lit another cigarette, offered it to Lauren, and she took a drag. Her first by the cough leaving her lungs. I was jealous of another experience she could tick off her bucket list, and I hated the envy I constantly carried.
By the time I reached the bottom of the hill, I wasn't in the mood to go to the shops anymore. I went straight home, walking through the town's busy centre.
A district on the border of two cities and several small villages in the far southeast of England is where I have lived my entire life. It was okay, though it quickly became a vast town filled with snobbery. There was a decent choice of schools, sports facilities, and hordes of shops. As well as an extensive list of supermarkets, country parks and places to eat, I could see why it was upcoming. There was a direct London commute, where I planned to escape this place and live with the thousands of people who resided there. People who didn't know me, a place I could have a fresh start. But first, I had to get sixth form out of the way. That was another matter I kept hiding from.
I thought I would know what I would have wanted to do with my life by sixteen, but I didn't. The idea of another two years within the school's high walls was enough to put me off thinking about it. Bailey High was hell in my eyes.
Once I reached the main stretch home, my feet dragged despite my fast pace, stuck behind dawdling groups and couples of others my age. I was in a solemn mood with no one to talk to, and their slow steps wound me up further. Tears pinched my eyes, but I kept them in, making me sniffle.
Why couldn't I be like everyone else?
All I wanted was to be popular.
I didn't desire to be the most popular to the extent of queen bee Regina George, who all the girls resented, and the boys fancied. I wasn't beautiful, and I hated that my looks determined how high school panned out.
If it were down to me, I would have been skinnier and a little taller, with a bubblier personality making me more likeable, with better grades. But at the end of the day, it was high school and far from a fairy tale with fairy godmothers coming to the rescue. So all I could do was hope that I would miraculously turn from the ugly duckling into a swan during summer before A levels started.
All I wanted was to walk through the halls and have friends say hello to me, not just classmates but actual friends.