We arrived at the park on Barker street at 9.50am. It was my old neighbourhood. Of all the areas in San Diego Beau could have ended up, he was in the same neighbourhood I grew up in and potentially, he was living mere streets away from his mother and sister for the first five years of his life. That hurt.
"Are you sure you want me to come with you? I think this is something you should do on your own," Joey asked me for the hundredth time.
"Yes, I don't think I can do this without you there," I reassured him again.
"Carla will be with you though. Don't you think it's a bit much for him to have too many people?"
"Joey, please don't fight me on this. I need you," I begged.
"Ok, fine. I just don't want to scare him."
"This whole thing will already be surreal for him," I muttered, opening the car door and feeling the already warm morning California sun hit my skin.
Joey succumbing to my pressure, exited the car too and we walked hand in hand to a picnic bench. The playground was unusually quiet for a warm weekday morning. Despite not being the classiest neighbourhood, it was cheap enough for young couples to afford without being a bad area, so I would have expected a few more young families out.
My eyes landed on one young mom who looked to be only a few years older than me, she was rocking a pram while watching a toddler play on the slide. For just a moment I let myself imagine that as my future, smiling to myself.
"One day," Joey whispered to me, following my gaze and somehow reading my mind.
"In the very distant future," I laughed.
My attention was pulled from the young mom when I heard a couple of car doors slamming shut and looked up to see Carla exiting a car with a man who looked to be about 30, then watched her go to the back door of the car where she let out a little sandy haired boy.
He looked shy, eyes to the ground, so all I could make out from here was his hair colour and that he seemed slightly tall for his age. He took hold of Carla's hand as she crouched down to his level and pointed towards us. The little boy, my brother, looked towards us quickly before looking back to the ground again.
I'm nervous too buddy.
Joey and I both stood up in anticipation of this meeting as the three of them made their way across the gravel path toward us.
The man approached first, as he got closer I could tell he was a bit older than I first thought, maybe mid 30's. His dark hair and light brown eyes friendly and welcoming.
"You must be Morgan, I've heard quite a lot about you. I'm Daniel Green, Carla's colleague and your brothers social worker," he introduced, holding his hand out to shake.
"Hi Daniel, lovely to meet you. This is my boyfriend Joey," I introduced as the two men shook hands.
"Hi guys," Carla greeted next. "Beau, would you like to say hi?" She encouraged.
The little boy gripped her hand noticeably tighter, too shy to look up, instead moving to hide behind Carla's leg. Joey and Daniel moved away from us and took a seat at the bench in an effort to give Beau and I some space.
Following Carla's lead from near the car, I crouched down so that I would be at his level. As I did, he slowly looked up at me. I was slightly taken aback at just how green his eyes were. They reminded me so much of my own when I was his age. I could see some of myself in him and also so much of my mom.
"Hi Beau, my name is Morgan. It's really great to meet you," I said softly.
"Beau, would you like to say hi?" Carla tried again.
I watched as he looked up at Carla, then me, then glanced towards Joey and Daniel and back to me.
"Are you my sister?" He whispered.
"Yes buddy, I am."
"You have green eyes like me," he observed, slowly stepping away from Carla's leg.
"Yeah I do. We both have the same eyes as our mom," I explained as I moved from crouching on my knees to sitting on the ground cross legged.
"Did you know my mom?" He asked curiously.
"I did. She was my mom too. That's how I'm your sister."
"The kids at my house said my mom didn't want me. Did she want you and not me?" He asked, gaining the courage to come and sit in front of me now while he asked the heartbreaking questions.
"It's not like that at all buddy. Our mom was sick, she wasn't able to be a proper mommy to you. She didn't want me either," I comforted him as best as I could.
"Where is she now? Why are you here?" He asked, playing with a few small rocks he picked up from the ground as he spoke.
My heart ached for the little boy in front of me. He had so many questions and never had anyone to answer them for him. Until me, but even I don't have all the answers that he wants.
"She's gone with the angels now. I'm here because I only just found out I have a brother and I really, really wanted to meet you. Is that ok with you?"
He looked up at me frowning as he thought about my question, before his face broke out into a smile.
"Yeah, that's ok. I think I like having a real sister. What's your favourite colour?"
"I love the colour blue, like the ocean and the sky. What about you?"
"Blue is for boys! You should like pink. Pink is for girls. My favourite colour is green! I have a green blanket on my bed and the ninja turtles are green!" He exclaimed.
We asked each other basic questions like favourite food and tv shows, going back and forth for a little while so that he could warm up to me. Eventually he looked up the table and his eyes landed on Joey.
"Who's that?" He asked.
"That's Joey. He is my boyfriend and very important to me. He would like to get to know you too," I explained.
"He is really tall!" Beau observed.
"Yes, he plays basketball at College. Do you like basketball?"
Beau's eyes lit up at the mention of basketball and that warmed my heart because I knew it was something we could all have in common.
"Basketball is my favouritist sport ever!" He exclaimed.
"Well that's perfect because Joey and I both love to play basketball too!"
"I think I have a basketball in the car. Maybe you and Joey would like to go and play while I talk to your sister?" Daniel asks Beau, cutting into our conversation.
His little eyes lit up at the idea and he nodded eagerly. Daniel quickly ran off to the car while Beau jumped around excited. When Daniel came back with the ball Joey took it in one hand and Beau's hand in his other and led him to the basketball ring beside the playground area, giving me a reassuring smile as he walked away.
"He warmed up to you quickly," Daniel started the conversation.
"He seems like a good kid, but I understand this is all very new and strange to him and he may not fully understand what's happening," I watched Joey play with him while I spoke.
"I'm not sure he has put the fact you are his sister and that he has some family together just yet. We haven't told him much because we don't know where you stand. We don't want to get his hopes up for you to decide you can't take custody or the courts to not allow it."
"Right. So what happens now?" I ask the question that has been bothering me since I decided to meet him. I had thought about myself so much, I didn't even think about the legal side of things.
"Well, that's up to you. As his blood relative, gaining custody would be fairly simple. But we would need to make sure he has a stable home to go to, that you have an income and are able and willing to care for him. You're in college, correct?" Daniel asked as I suddenly realised the hurdles I would have to jump.
"Yeah, I am," I gulped. "But I don't exactly have a proper home. I lived on campus, now I'm staying with the Cameron's and next semester we are getting an apartment off campus. I have a summer job and one waiting for me back at college, but I'm a student first and foremost. I want to be able to care for him, but I'm not willing to give up my education and my future," I explain. "I mean I know there are plenty of care options, and he would be in school when I am too. It's all just so much," I buried my head in my hands.
"No one would expect you to give up your future Morgan," Carla placed her hand over mine. "He is able to stay in care and you have regular visits."
"But I live in Arizona, my life is there now. I'm not sure regular visits to San Diego is something I can afford," a tear escapes my eyes as I realise the daunting reality. "But I don't want to leave him behind," I whisper.
"I think this is something that you need to go and discuss with Joey and probably your mother in law too as you live with them," Daniel suggested. "Parenting a child, whether it's a sibling or your own is a full time role. If it won't be beneficial to you both then we don't want you putting yourself in this position."
As I let their words sink in, I noticed Joey and Beau making their way back to us. I wiped away my tears quickly and put the brightest smile I could on my face.
"Did you have fun?" I asked brightly.
"Yes!! Joey helped me get a slam dunk! Bradley is never going to believe me!" Beau said excitedly.
"Do you live with Bradley?"
"Yeah. He is 10 and acts like the boss of me. But he isn't the boss, Mrs Barnes is the boss!"
"Oh is that right? Do you like living there?" I asked, even though I knew I was treading on dangerous waters, especially going by the glare Daniel shot my way.
"It's ok. Sometimes I just wish I had a real mommy and daddy though and my own room," he said sadly. "Do you have your own room?"
"Not anymore, I have to share with Joey and sometimes he smells," I scrunched up my nose.
"You share with a boy!" He snickers, covering his mouth.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but it's nearly time to go Beau. Say goodbye to Morgan and Joey," Daniel says.
"Can't I stay with her? She's my sister!"
"Sorry buddy. You have to go back to Mrs Barnes for now. But I promise I will organise another visit with you really soon ok!"
"You mean it? Joey too?" He looks up at me with so much hope in his eyes.
"Absolutely! Joey too. Maybe even tomorrow we can go and get ice cream if Mrs Barnes and Daniel say it's ok. Would you like that?"
"Yes!! I think I really like having a sister," he said in such an honest way that only innocent children can achieve.
"I think I like having a brother, especially you!" I replied.
We said goodbye, Daniel promising to let me know if we can see Beau tomorrow knowing we need to go back to Arizona soon. I held back tears until they were driving away. But as soon as they were out of site, I felt myself break down into Joey's arms.
"I want to take him Joey, but I just can't. From what they said, I might not even be give custody. Being his sister isn't enough."
"Shhh. We will work something out babe. Mom and dad can help I'm sure. Let's just go back to the hotel and talk with mom," he said softly.
"He's a great kid though isn't he?"
"He is," Joey said.
We started walking towards the car when I stopped, realising just how close we were to my childhood home.
"Babe, can we go for a quick walk? I'd kinda like to see my old home just one more time. It's just the next street over," I asked Joey and watched as his eyes softened completely.
"Of course," he smiled, taking my hand once more.
As we walked I pointed to a few houses and explained who lived there when I was a kid. I forgot just how many memories I had from my childhood, most of the good ones had been replaced by bad ones dealing with my mother.
We rounded a corner and approached the second house on the left. What I didn't expect was to see a young family playing in the front yard, a swing set had been placed in the garden that was still mostly the same as we left it. A little girl was running around while her mom chased her. A guy, who looked to be mid twenties was by the fence, fixing the gate.
The house looked almost the way I left it, only this young family gave it a whole new lease on life that it hadn't had since I was a little girl.
"Morgan? Is that you?" The male by the fence asked.
I looked at him, I could vaguely recognise him, but I'm not sure where from. He was at least 5 or 6 years older than me, if not more.
"That's me. Do I know you?" I asked, gripping Joey's hand tighter.
"You probably don't remember me, but I remember you. Although you have grown up to a young woman now since I last saw you, except for the photos of course."
"I'm sorry?" I asked, incredibly confused.
"Sorry, let me start over. I'm Jake Atkins, your dad coached me on the high school basketball team and I remember you tagging along when you were a little girl," he explained.
Memories flooded back to sitting on the coaches bench acting as dad's assistant.
"I'm sorry, I was so young then. I don't really remember names and faces. You live here now though?"
"Yeah, my wife and I moved in just last week. I didn't realise it was Coach Walters old house until we moved in. The bank had it all boarded up. I was going to try to find you to be honest. I found an old box in the attic, that's how I remembered you to be honest, it's full of photos of you and coach."
My mouth went dry at the thought. This whole day, my old neighbourhood, the memories. This was why I never wanted to come back to San Diego. My heart hurt.
"Um, right.. well yeah. This was our home. Things... things got hard after he died," I stumbled over my words.
"Yeah, sorry to hear about that. I was a freshman in College when that happened. Did you want to come inside? I'll get you the box," he offered.
"No," I replied quickly. "I mean, no thank you, I'm happy to take the box but I don't want to go inside."
He nodded in understanding. Gosh knows what else he had found in the house left from my mom when they moved in.
"I'll be right back then," he said before rushing inside the house.
A few moments later he came back out with an old shoebox. I didn't recognise it at all, thinking my mom must have thrown it into the attic after my dad died.
"Here you are," he said handing it over.
"Thanks. We should be going now, it was nice to see you again. I hope you make as many happy memories in this house as I did with my dad," I smiled at him, glancing to his wife and daughter who were watching us.
As we walked back to the park to the car I opened the box, seeing a tonne of old photos, mostly of me and dad. There was even an old basketball medal from when dad coached and they won a premiership. I closed it back up, knowing we would have a good look through it later.
"That was crazy, right?" I asked Joey as we walked.
"This whole week has been crazy. But that was really nice of him," Joey replied.
"Yeah, what are the chances of that even happening! I always wondered where mom put these. I couldn't find them when I moved out, but now I'm so happy to have these memories of dad. Maybe things will end up working out."
"They will babe," he kissed the top of my head and somehow, despite all the uncertainty surrounding Beau, I just knew that things would end up ok. So far, I've climbed my way out of every shitty situation and this would be no different.