I — RETURN OF THE WITCH BITCH GANG !
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LEO JORDAN DOES NOT want to go back to fucking Hogwarts!
Mind you, she is in an incredibly shitty predicament, because she doesn't particularly want to stay at home, either, not with that fucking brother of hers. And not to mention her parents, who are so far up said brother's arse that they're basically licking it.
Let's get one thing straight (ha, Leo isn't): she doesn't hate him necessarily. After all, as Lena Karkaroff is so keen on reminding her, hate is a very strong word! No, Leo just despises, detests and resents Lee. How's that, Lena?
And spending all summer under the same roof as him is the most abhorrent abomination. Leo wants to punch someone, preferably him, every time she sees his pissing face, or his pissing tarantula, or any of his stupid ginger friends that seem hellbent on sending her to her own personal hell. (OK, never mind, she does hate him! Shocker.)
Ugh, summers are the worst, because Lena is always far too busy just being adorable to actually hang out with her, and as for PJ? Well. In the summertime you're more likely to hear from fucking Gilderoy Lockhart than PJ Kennedy, who is impossible to track down. Like, it drives Leo hippogriff-shit crazy. Last time she heard, PJ was on a fucking roadtrip with Benjamin. Who the fuck is Benjamin? Sounds suspiciously like a male to Leo, and a pathetic one at that!
Point is, Leo hates her brother. She also hates summertime (because of her brother), Hogwarts (because of her brother) and, well, men in general (because of her brother. Wow, who'd've thought?).
Yeah, sure, she hates all these other things - but she hates Lee the most.
So, basically, even though she doesn't want to go back to Hogwarts (because of all the relentless teasing, all the 'Baby Jordan' this and 'Baby Jordan' that), Leo guesses she'll take it. It is, after all, inexplicably better than the alternative: living with her cocky stinking arsehole wanker of a brother!
The same cocky stinking arsehole wanker of a brother who is deliberately dragging his trunk across the pavement because he just knows it makes her want to tear all his hair out and scream bloody murder. His idiotic tarantula crawls over his shoulder, uncomfortably close to hers, and it's taking everything Leo has not to seize it, toss it onto the pavement and squash it to death under the sole of her heavy boot. But what use would that do? He'd just get all weepy and mourny and then buy another one. The older Jordan twin is relentless.
They're approaching the barrier that leads to Platform 9 and 3/4, and Leo's teeth are gritted firmly in an ugly grimace. You do not have to look at his face for months, you do not have to even act like he exists, she forces herself to remember, and it's the only thing getting her through.
'See you in ten months, Baby Jordan,' Lee taunts, kicking her boot with his scruffy shitty trainer.
She wouldn't even mind that stupid nickname, maybe, if she actually was his younger sibling - and technically, she is, but in the eleven-minutes-younger way, not the whole-academic-year way. Although you wouldn't know it; Leo has always, always, always been the more sensible one. Which, to be fair, isn't exactly a difficult feat.
It's probably why everyone hates her. But it's not Leo's fault that she's not her brother, is it? Sue her!
'Yep, fuck you,' she mutters without even looking at his fucking face, storming determinedly through the barrier and onto the platform.
Merlin's tits, she's immediately done. People everywhere, milling about like viruses or pests, and she hates them all. (She does a quick check to see if Lena or PJ are there, and they're not, so yeah, Leo hates them all. Confirmed!) There's judgmental eyes crawling all over her, and the usual whispers of fear and borderline terror, which almost make her smug, because after all the effort she puts in throughout the school year to make sure nobody will ever bully her, it's nice to know that it's paid off every once in a while.
Well, when she says nobody, she excludes her stupid brother, and her stupid brother's friends. The fucking gingers.
They're waiting for him outside the train, like they're the clingiest people ever known to woman. Seriously, waiting for Lee? She doesn't want to be horrible - actually, she doesn't give a shit - but they need to get a life! The Weasley wankers in all their glory, and the Hufflepuff they hang around with, who's half their height and has twice their heart - not like that's hard, exactly.
Leo thinks the Weasley wankers are bullies, plain and simple, and she isn't afraid to admit it, either. She's seen them tyrannising innocent students and teachers far too often. Sure, most of them deserved it, either because they were junior Death Eaters or just fucking annoying, but still. And besides, Leo draws the line at insulting teachers.
She can't tell them apart (who the fuck do you think she is?), but the one who Leo hates the most leers at her, stupid pissing grin all over his stupid pissing face. Wand twirling idly in his pocket. Fred, maybe? 'Nice summer, Baby Jordan?'
Besides him, the tiny Hufflepuff, frowning, tugs at his sleeve, her own red hair bouncing playfully as she does so. The Weasley wanker takes no notice.
'Better than yours, dickhead, but I suppose it isn't your fault that you have to look in the mirror every morning and see your ugly face, knowing you're a twat,' Leo retorts coldly. She slaps her forehead in faux sarcasm. 'Oh! Wait! It is!'
The other Weasley wanker snickers, and even the Hufflepuff girl bites back a laugh. Leo can't remember her name - Johannah, is it? Something pretentious - then realises she actually doesn't give a shit, so stops bothering. In her very important opinion, remembering a Hufflepuff's name isn't something worth getting constipated over!
(Except Lena, of course. But because Lena is actually someone Leo cares about, shock horror, she doesn't count.)
Maybe-Fred's face hardens. 'Your brother was born with humour, Jordan, bit of a shame you weren't, isn't it?'
'Go shag him then,' Leo yawns. 'I was born with brains, anyway, so I think I'll probably be able to live with that.'
And with that, she leaves him nursing his fragile masculinity, kicking away the baggage trolley and boarding the train without looking back once.
Leo can literally feel kids cowering away into their compartments as she thunders down the corridor. It's kind of funny, because she honestly doesn't think she's that bad. It's just, compared to Lee... well, let's just say Hogwarts was not prepared for the storm of his twin sister.
It's not until she reaches their usual compartment at the very end of the train, slamming the door behind her so hard the glass almost shatters, before the whispers are finally drowned out. Leo collapses onto a window seat, exhausted already, indulging in solitude for the first time all summer. Blissful, blissful solitude. Only, it's not to last...
'Leona motherfucking Jordan,' PJ Kennedy says, grinning from pierced ear to pierced ear, as she attacks Leo in a bear hug.
PJ wins the honour of being the most obnoxious person Leo has ever met in her entire life - and yet, for some reason, it's fucking impossible to dislike her. Trust Leo, she tried. She tried helplessly all through first year, completely ignoring her stupid Gryffindor Potions partner, who only succeeded in being Shitty Snape's arch-nemesis. Only by second year did Leo actually realise that PJ, with her loud squawky laugh and horrible dad jokes and her colourful heart, might just be the exact type of person she needed to have around.
Fast forward four years and they're still Potions partners but practically inseparable, and although Leo would rather die before admitting it, she's embarrassingly grateful for Presley-Jade Kennedy.
Besides, both of them are named after - shudders - men, so at least they have one thing in common, even if it is utterly shitty!
'Fuck off. Where the fuck have you been all summer?' Leo demands, by way of greeting. 'And who the fuck is Benjamin?'
'Alright, calm your tits,' PJ laughs, splaying out entirely across the opposite seat, her black curls and umber skin glinting in the thin September sun. 'Benjamin, Benjamin, Benjamin... oh, yeah, he was just this Muggle guy I spent June with. Kinda ugly, actually, but he had a car, so...'
Leo's nose crinkles with disgust. 'But we have a pact, never to interact with men unless it's absolutely necessary!'
'Trust me, trust me, I was fucking horrified too.' PJ shrugs carelessly, kicking her knackered trainers onto the seat opposite. 'But I Saw him, Leo, so what am I meant to do, ya know? He could've been the love of my life!'
'He wasn't, though.'
PJ mimes vomiting. 'Ew, of course he fucking wasn't! Bitch, I'm not gonna spend forever with a man, especially not one called Benjamin!'
Leo rolls her eyes to hide her amusement. 'What's wrong with the name Benjamin?'
'I dunno, it's just fucking scary. Like, it gives me a bad vibe. Honestly, when I met him, and I saw he was a man, and he was called Benjamin, of all names, I seriously considered telling my Inner Eye to go get checked out at the optician's or some shit.' PJ pulls a face, reminding Leo of a toddler in a tantrum. 'I must be the most useless fucking Seer in history. Apart from old Trelawney, duh.'
The fact that PJ is a Seer makes Leo piss herself laughing, especially considering she's never Seen anything useful in her entire life - except predicting what food the poor house elves have had to slave over, or what score Leo's going to get in their next pointless tests. (She can't even predict the question, so what's the point!) That is, if you count these things as useful, which Leo absolutely does not.
'Don't insult Trelawney,' she scolds.
'Oh, how could I forget you're a stereotypical, goody-two shoes Ravenclaw?'
'Yes, how could you forget that?' Leo says sarcastically. 'I never forget that you're an obnoxious Gryffindor! Ooo, you're so courageous!'
'If old Godric Gryffers could hear you now...' PJ jokes, waggling her finger warningly.
'He'd probably show off about his fucking bravery in my face,' Leo snorts, rolling her eyes. 'Please. He's brave, we get it. What does that even fucking mean, anyway? He's a man, isn't he? So, he wouldn't know real bravery if it slapped him on the fucking arse.'
PJ laughs. 'Innit. Bet he fucking smelt as well.'
'Of course he smelt, Presley, they didn't exactly have deodorant in the Middle Ages...'
PJ doesn't respond (rude), instead, her face is scrunched up like it gets when she's Seeing something. Then, she grins, yells, 'Fucking epic!' and leans fully out of the compartment door, bellowing all the way down the corridor, 'OI, KARKY!'
And Lena Karkaroff arrives at the doorway, blushing and beaming, her gentle dark-cocoa eyes and soft hands embracing Leo, making her feel like she's gliding on a cloud, she's so warm with the never-ceasing love of her Hufflepuff best friend.
'Oh, PJ! Leo! How wonderful!' Lena giggles excitedly, nestling down onto the seat with her legs in their sweetpea-green skirt hugged towards her. Her short thick hair, its hue a muddy brown, glossy and gleaming, falls in delicate strands over chrysanthemum-pink cheeks. 'Leo, how was your summer, sugar?'
'Scuse me, do I not exist to you?' PJ demands, faking shock. Lena laughs, leaning apologetically against her side; Leo flips her middle finger up at her.
'Oh, you know, the usual,' she says, tone oozing contempt. 'Lee was being such a dick, but when is he not? How was yours, Lennie?'
Lena's brow creases with the hint of worry. 'Oh, lovey, I'm so sorry to hear that. And it was really lovely, thank you! Except - except Daddy didn't really want to see me, which is fine, obviously! He's busy, you know, I don't mind... honestly, I really don't mind spending summer all on my own whilst he tutors Viktor. I mean, I love my dad, sure, but - but Viktor is more important than me, so... He often says, actually, that he'd rather Viktor was his kid than me, so, um, isn't he funny!...'
Her voice trails away, her warm wide eyes blurring with tears. PJ and Leo exchange a horrified look.
Alright, Leo knew that Lena didn't exactly have the best relationship with her father, so she doesn't really know why she's surprised. Because, well, have you met her father? She didn't realise just how much of a dickhead he was, though. Like, seriously? Lovely sweet Lena is his daughter, and he'd rather spend all his summer - the only time of year he makes an effort to see her, might Leo add - with Viktor Krum, that stupid, testosterone-fuelled, brain-cell-less prick? Men. They're all as fucking bad as each other.
'Don't ya worry, Karky,' PJ is saying. 'If I ever meet that man, it's fucking over for him. I'll batter him within an inch of his fucking life, promise.'
Lena laughs feebly. Its gentle, heartbroken tinkle makes Leo's heartstrings tug. (Well. Obviously not her heartstrings, because she knows all emotions are controlled in the brain. Come on, she's not fucking stupid; she's not a Weasley wanker, is she?)
'Although it pains me to say it, PJ is right for once in her life,' Leo says, treating Lena to a rare smile. 'If I ever meet Ego Karkaroff, I'll make him wish he was never born.'
PJ grins wickedly. 'Except he had to be born, because if he hadn't, he'd've never shoved his spaghetti into your mum's bolognese-'
'Presley-Jade Kennedy!'
'- and then we'd've never had you, Len,' PJ finishes with triumph, winking at Lena and ignoring Leo's furious scowl. 'The sweetheart of the Witch Bitch gang.'
Ah, yes. How could Leo possibly forget the Witch Bitch gang? PJ had practically forced them to do an Unbreakable Vow, promising that they'd be best friends forever and ever and ever, but Lena (and Leo too, she's not going to lie) got too scared, so PJ, in her sulk, declared they were 'bitchy witches'. And, thus, a formidable sisterhood was christened.
Leo, still in shock from PJ's disgusting euphemism for heterosexuality, rolls her eyes and turns to the window. At some point when she'd been taking the piss out of PJ, the train must've set off, because now she's watching the industrialised deadlands of London melt into fields the colour of Lena's floaty skirt. And, admittedly, it feels good - to finally be leaving behind the summer, where she isn't herself, because she's always in her stupid wanker brother's shadow. (Literally, in his shadow: he's a bloody inch taller than her! Which is, quite honestly, outrageous.)
Hogwarts is so incredibly shit, with its abhorrent lack of heating, and its general old-fuddy-duddiness, and all its selfish, arrogant men, but Leo still can't help her childish excitement to get there. To get home. (And not just because she misses Professor McGonagall, like, a shit ton.)
'PJ, sugar?' Lena says softly, and it yanks Leo from her reverie, where she's daydreaming about being immersed in learning, and books, and the beautiful brilliant smell of the library...
'Yeah, babes?'
'Who on Saturn is Benjamin?'
Leo snorts against the window, overcome with violent laughter for the first time in months. Her nose flows with snot, but she doesn't even care - not much, anyway. So what if she looks disgusting? She glances across at a bemused but beaming Lena, her blushing cheeks like blossoming petals, and PJ, whose wide lazy smile reveals a heavily chipped tooth (it's a long story...), and knows one thing. And trust Leo Jordan when she says she knows a lot of things, but this, this is the most important of all:
PJ and Lena are her heart in her mouth, her blood in her veins, and the only two people she will ever need. Ever.
Or at least, that's what she thinks, anyway...
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a/n
sorry for the two month wait and following it w a bit of a boring one...
i hope u liked this !!! i'm anxious to hear what yous think ??? i love my women n am so eager for u lot to like them too !
also, sorry for all the random dialogue (but if quentin tarantino can get away w it, why not me...)
also. lena calls igor 'daddy' bc she didn't spend a lot of time w him as a kid so that's why she's still kinda childish around him??? PLS don't sexualise that shit
ok i love u all !!! hope ur all staying safe,
nolan xoxo