port townsend, washington
new year's eve.
elowen rises from the couch, her blanket falling off her body in the process, and moves towards the other side of the living room where the thermostat is.
the floorboards creak distinctly as she steps across, the only other noise sounding through the house being the faint voices from the television as full house reruns played in the background. even as she wasn't fully paying attention to the show, it comforts her to hear it on while she was alone in the house.
after turning the thermostat up a few degrees, she returns to the comfort of the cushions and wraps herself in the blanket once again. this winter has been an abnormally cold one in washington. she checks her phone for the third time again.
mason should be here in twenty minutes.
elowen had been suddenly nervous for their date when she woke up this morning. she found herself trying to keep her mind occupied to ease the queasy stir in her stomach, starting her day with taking a shower and then cooking scrambled eggs with hot dog for her and her dad. tommy had left a little after noon, and she spent the rest of the day cleaning the house on and off while watching tv in between.
an hour ago, she finally brought herself to get dressed. she settled on comfort over appearance, choosing a pair of beige, slightly worn, mom jeans that she'd rolled the hems of, and paired it with a fitted pale blue long sleeve. overtop, she'd wear one of her father's oversized army jackets, pine green, that he'd let her have and dingy white sneakers to finish.
sitting on the couch dressed and waiting for his arrival was making her more anxious by the minute.
she's provided a welcome distraction when she hears the front door unlock and open, peering over the back of the couch to see her father shuffling in with grocery bags.
tommy kicks off his boots at the door before heading into the kitchen to put down the two bags on the table. he then takes off the knit brown beanie on his head, setting it next to the groceries, then ruffles a hand through his black hair.
"did you drive all the way to the harbor to get these groceries?" elowen inquires as she stalks in with her arms crossed. she glances at what he purchased curiously.
"you're half right," he mumbles with tired eyes while grabbing a cup to fill with water at the sink. "every grocery store in town was already closed for new years, what do you know. I drove to the next city over and found some luck. took me an hour drive, but..."
he pauses, reaching into one of the plastic bags to present a small ham canned in a metal container and a bottle of sparkling cider wrapped in brown bag. in another bag, ingredients to make homemade pizzas. a smile forms across elowen's lips but it doesn't meet her eyes.
"also... got some hats," he throws in with a light shrug of his shoulders and gestures to the bag they must be in. "you seemed a little bummed you didn't have any plans with your friends this year, so I thought we could do something special just you and I. make a night out of it."
she holds her dad's stare, at a loss for words for a moment. her heart tangibly clenches in her chest, and she has a sudden urge to hug him. he had gone out of his way to cheer her up and make their home celebration special. she knows money is delicate for them, and they try not to spend on non-necessities but he deemed this important enough.
the guilt is eating away at her.
how was she supposed to tell him now that she had made plans? that she would be leaving him in less than twenty minutes to go celebrate with her boyfriend instead?
she wouldn't have made the plans if she would've realized he'd do this. holidays and celebrations are never really a big deal to either of them, save for elowen loving new year's eve. today was just like any other day in his book. she didn't think he'd do this.
"dad..." elowen takes a step deeper into the kitchen, letting her finger trail along the tin of the ham. she was at a loss for how to break it to him, how to say it without hurting his feelings or causing a misunderstanding.
it wasn't that she didn't want to spend new year's eve with him.
tommy finds her gaze again. a frown etches itself onto his face as he again seems to fail in reigniting the light in his daughter's eyes. he thought this would make her happy. he thought this would get a genuine smile out of her for the first time in weeks. the last thing he wanted was to bring her down even further.
she can't do it. his expression is too sad—she'd caused that, and she couldn't make it worse.
she was going to text mason that something had come up, she decides then. maybe she'd say her dad got into trouble and it was an emergency. he'd have to understand that, right?
she only hopes this won't make him shut her out again.
"you didn't have to do this, but thank you. I appreciate it so much, dad, but give me one second." she's already retreating to the living room and reaching into her back pocket for her phone when an abrupt knock sounds through the house.
she stops in her tracks and turns to meet her father's confused glance. "you expecting company?" he murmurs as he heads to the front door to see who it is.
mason is early, elowen realizes with a fret and hurries after to greet him first.
tommy opens the door, but elowen is the one that's visible in the doorway after she manages to cut in front of him. she offers mason a warm, albeit shocked, smile, her heart racing in her chest both at the situation and the sight of him in person again.
he's wearing a navy blue sweater that brings out the blue in his eyes delightfully and hugs to his abdomen in just the right way. his golden brown hair is artfully tousled and she wants nothing more than to run her fingers through it. and his pretty lips are reddened, like he'd been biting them before getting here.
mason's stare meets hers briefly before flicking to her dad's vacant face.
"mason! you're... early. not that that's a problem, I'm already ready." she tries not to think too hard about her dad's expression after she said that. it feels as if blood is rushing to her head at how overwhelming this is. "before that, though, um, this is my dad. dad, my boyfriend."
she steps aside and waves her hand for mason to step over the threshold. as he's entering, she brushes her hand comfortingly along his arm but his expression is already resigned.
"uh, hi. I'm mason. greene," he adds as an afterthought. he outstretches his hand in the air between them like he knows that's what he's supposed to do, but her dad doesn't immediately take it. elowen finishes closing the door and awkwardly stands behind her boyfriend.
tommy glances at his daughter a second, sensing her wariness at the clearly unexpected situation in front of her, and then returns to tunneling the young man in front of him. definition of a pretty boy. he has trouble keeping eye contact with him, he notices instantly, and seems uninterested overall.
he doesn't like him, tommy decides.
but he wouldn't make his daughter unhappy.
tommy takes the boy's hand and gives it a firm shake. "you can call me sir." he'd give a little, not a lot.
mason drops his hand limply. "...okay."
elowen takes this as her cue to intervene. "I need to speak to mason really quick. one minute, dad." she takes initiative and grabs his hand, she never does this, and tugs him down the hallway into the laundry room. they would be out of earshot here.
"you could have given me some warning, elowen." he tells her as soon as they're behind walls.
"I assumed you knew my father lives in the same house as me." she's being sarcastic, she knows what he means, but doesn't like his tone.
"what's this about?" he moves on impatiently. she's upset him.
she chews the inside of her lip briefly, a weary look in her eyes. "can we, maybe, cancel?" it physically hurts her to get the words out. she doesn't want to cancel their date, not in the slightest, but she doesn't want to disappoint her dad, either. her morals are struggling.
mason gives her a heavy stare. "el, I was really looking forward to this. you said you didn't have plans?"
"something came up." her voice is impossibly small. "with my dad."
mason does this thing with his eyes, it pins her down every time, and looks at her darkly. "I went out of my way to do something special for you. you understand that, don't you?"
"I appreciate it so much. but..." she isn't sure where she's going with this.
"you're reminding me of sofia, and I don't need that right now." he sounds so drained.
the mention of his ex puts it all into perspective for her. he's right, she thinks shamefully to herself. she's doing it again, she's being terrible for him. making things harder rather than easier.
she would have to make it right. "I only have plans with you," she decides then. "I'm just not thinking straight. tired, I guess. you drove all the way over here for me, I owe you a date." her smile is not reciprocated. "let me tell my dad."
as she leaves the room, she feels the weight of his stare on her back, flooding her with guilt. he lingers behind a few seconds before following her out to the foyer.
her dad is standing by the entrance to the kitchen. he seems to have caught on to the change of plans.
"mason would like to take me out tonight," elowen rips off the bandaid. "we made the plans last minute, but I'm sorry for not letting you know sooner, dad. you bought all those things..." her expression grows somber.
tommy doesn't hesitate to shake his head. "don't worry about that, it won't go to waste. we could have ham for dinner tomorrow." his daughter gives him an unsure look, but he allows the corner of his mouth to turn up. he has to.
he tells himself they technically made their plans first. and he can tell she feels guilty after seeing everything in the kitchen. he wouldn't let her feel sorry for him.
"so. where do you plan on taking her?" her father asks mason in a hard voice, but tries his best to make it come across conversational.
mason lifts his head and swallows before answering. "um, the fireworks show. down in seattle. there should also be a parade, I think."
"no dinner?" tommy questions with a furrow between his eyebrows.
her boyfriend stiffens. "she didn't mention it." elowen catches his eyes as he spares her a curt glance. "there's time for that, though, if she wants to ask."
her dad nods, no doubt sensing mason's snippiness, then develops a skeptical expression. it may not sound right to him, but she knows it's merely because mason doesn't like to assume things. not because he wouldn't treat her to dinner.
tommy forces himself to move on. "all the way in seattle, huh? have a car?"
"yes."
"are you sober?"
"yeah."
"good." keep it that way, she hears his unspoken warning. her dad scratches the side of his neck the way he does when he's tired. "my shows about to start. I won't keep you guys any longer. you two, er, have a good time."
she lets out a huff of breath. "thanks."
he gives elowen the most subtle of nods, then reaches for the door and opens it for them. she grabs her dad's pine green coat that he let her have—he has plenty to spare—from the coat hanger on her way out and hesitates before following mason to give her dad a hug goodbye. she knows it'll only make the pang of remorse in her gut worse for ditching him like this, no matter how good an act he put up to look unbothered, but she wants to whisper another apology to him and promise they can celebrate just them two tomorrow while she's at it.
she never gets the chance when mason's hand interlocks with hers unexpectedly and takes her down the front steps of the porch.
"be safe, winnie," she hears her dad call out from the doorway. her heart aches as she waves at his figure from the sidewalk.
———
"I didn't like that at all, elowen."
the car jerks to a start as mason steps on the gas pedal a bit too assertively, taking off down her street. he had waited until the doors of the car were shut and tommy had left back inside the house to say anything.
elowen is barely buckling her seat belt when he's coming to a rolling stop at the next intersection. "I'm sorry, I know how uncomfortable that must've made you. but, to be fair, I didn't expect you so early. you're always running late. and my dad happened to be by the door and I couldn't have him see you and blatantly avoid introducing you."
that would've been a red flag.
her original plan had been that her father would've already been in the living room by the time mason arrived, so she could easily slip out without him needing to even get up from the couch. unfortunately for her, her dad had arrived late and mason early.
"what even was that? he was basically interrogating me." mason's grip on the steering wheel tightens, and it makes her tense.
she resorts to humor. "did his mustache intimidate you?"
"I'm being serious, elowen."
"I know you are, but you're being a little dramatic. he asked you like three teensy questions." she gives more thought to his words. in her opinion, he was nicer than she had expected. "I think he likes you, if that's any consolation. trust me, he was being nice."
"that was being nice?" mason scoffs, icy blue eyes landing on her challengingly. "he told me to call him 'sir.' what the fuck is this, the middle ages?"
she ignores the underlying insult to her dad. "he's in the national guard, you should've expected that," she deadpans. It's a respect thing nonetheless. "you just have to humor him. he'll warm up to you. but believe me, it could've gone way worse." he hadn't even shown him the rifle on the wall.
"so it's a, what, superiority complex thing?" he inquires.
she wonders if this was the first time he's ever met a girlfriend's father. had his sofia, his ex's, dad instantly been on a first name basis with him and called him 'son'?
"don't overthink it, mason."
his voice is barely audible when he mutters, "you're impossible to talk to sometimes." ouch. and then he fixes his gaze on the road in front of them and remains silent. she can tell from his hardened features that he isn't any less upset about the whole interaction, but what worries her more is the emptiness she's beginning to see darken his eyes.
he's beginning to withdraw from her.
"you did really good. thank you for that." she reaches across the center console and gently touches his thigh. she almost worries that he'll flinch away from her hand, but he remains surprisingly still. she decides it might be best to change the subject. "so, are you still planning on taking me somewhere to eat first? because food sounds really good right now."
his adam's apple bobs as he swallows before replying. "where to?"
she doesn't expect for him to give her the choice. it takes her a minute to think of something, but her eyes nearly light up when she decides the place. "shiro's sushi? I've never been and since we'll already be in the city—"
"we have a long drive ahead of us, el. I was thinking something fast."
she doesn't let the disappointment translate into her voice. "right, I forgot. that makes sense. we wouldn't want to... miss the show..." she sinks deeper back into her seat and scolds herself, deciding it was silly to be upset over a restaurant that would always be there. she was just happy to be going on a date together.
"you pick," she concedes.
———
seattle, washington
the closer they got to seattle, the more uneasy elowen began to feel.
the car jolts to another stop, making her jerk slightly against her seat. traffic is bumper to bumper, the outskirt streets of the city crowded with vehicles all trying to get to the same place. it begins giving her a headache, the incessant start and stop of the car.
the greasy mexican food in her stomach felt three more stops away from turning back up.
her eyes fall on the digital clock on the dashboard, taking note that it was about an hour until midnight at this point. the lines were insanely long for every fast food chain in the area, which is why they sat down at a secluded mexican restaurant. it still took a little long. though, she didn't care for worrying too much about them being potentially late. she figured they could always still enjoy the fireworks from the warmth of mason's car anyhow.
she could tell her boyfriend was trying his best to get them there in time, anyway. it's endearing he's trying so hard to make this memory for them.
she's in the midst of sneaking a look at his side profile, taking in how absolutely handsome he looks tonight, when his blue eyes find hers. he offers her a curious grin that makes her heart flutter. "what're you thinking about?" he wonders.
she nibbles on the corner of her bottom lip bashfully. "I'm just really happy we're doing this."
he hesitates, but eventually settles on, "I knew you'd be." his eyes train back in front of him.
there's more idle chat as the car ride drones on. mason plays music from the radio on low while they speak about their plans for the new year. or moreso, elowen shares and mason listens silently. they're in the city before she knows it.
they eventually find a parking spot along a residential street a little far from the parade but that's expected when in the city. "pink buggy," mason notes the car they're parked in front of and offers a playful punch to her arm.
elowen looks down at her arm, then at him. "you didn't say shields." he slightly quickens his pace but she doesn't bother punching him back, anyway.
elowen can hear the parade faintly in the distance as they make their way to the viewing of the fireworks. the noise of the city never fails to surprise her, the sheer magnitude of voices and car horns and people in one area at once hard to believe considering the small town she grew up in.
It's until they find themselves in the middle of the crowd, surrounded by bodies, that her unease settles back in. stay away from big cities. she'd done the complete opposite. what had he meant by that? did he mean because of all the people? to be careful of getting mugged or something? or maybe the drive here would be dangerous with all the traffic and drunks? mason has made sure they were fine so far.
elowen reaches for mason's hand. it's cold in hers, but she doesn't mind it. she simply felt the need to hold onto something.
she's able to get some view of the ending of the parade up ahead. dozens of heads that are taller than her are blocking her vision but she could see on top of the floats, at least. it was all dazzling and eccentric, feather hats and glittery clothing, confetti of all colors littering every inch of the concrete and swaying in the wind.
you'd think those dancers would be freezing their asses off in so little clothing.
"wow," when she looks up, she feels nearly at awe at the sight of the space needle so close above her. "It's so pretty." It soars in the sky, lit magnificently, and she wonders for a moment why she doesn't come down here more often.
because mason doesn't like me too far, she sulks before remembering that it would be inconvenient, and she would worry for him, anyway. he doesn't like when she wanders off on her own. he had gotten so worked up over her simply finishing errands for a few hours; she hates to make him worry. he is the last person who deserves more trouble in his life, least of all from his girlfriend. It's her job to make him feel good.
suddenly, mason's grip on her hand grows exponentially tighter. his strength nearly hurts her palm, and she looks up to see him tense, shadows behind his eyes.
"are you pleased?" he asks her, looking down at her intensely.
elowen tries to soften her concern into a smile, for him, but doesn't manage. "yes, I am. It's amazing."
"what part?" he inquires again, not breaking eye contact. It makes her palm start to sweat.
"the lights, the floats, the city," she answers, pausing as she rubs her thumb along his hand gripping hers. "you."
her words don't have the effect she anticipated. his expressions hardens, a somber furrow forming between his eyebrows as he says, "you should smile more."
elowen stills in confusion. "what?"
mason explains. "If you are pleased, you should smile. you'll scare guys away looking so serious all the time. are you so miserable with me that it pains you to smile?"
her breath feels caught in her throat, pulse racing at the clear misunderstanding. It isn't him that's making her frown, it's the unrelenting dread in the pit of her stomach at the man from the gas station's words—his warning about big cities. her fear is tainting the whole night and making it impossible to enjoy her date. It has nothing to do with her boyfriend, who's only trying to do something nice for her.
"mason, I'm not miserable, not at all. I'm happy, I'm so happy. you make me so happy. this night is just what I wanted. you're so good to me," she coos praise to him, knowing him well enough to understand what he needs to hear, which she will generously grant. he wants to feel appreciated, wants her reassurance. something in his eyes shifts at her words, making them gentler, and elowen suddenly feels overwhelmed with yearning. she feels starved for him after not having him for so long. he looks so vulnerable, all of a sudden, and she has the urge to protect it.
she's blurting, "I love you," when he cuts her off by yanking his hand from hers.
mason looks everywhere but at her. they feel miles apart though they are only apart by a foot of space between them, and it's so abrupt and unexpected—yet expected at the same time—that she almost wants to cry.
why won't he want me?
mason's chest is beginning to rise and fall in quick, unrhythmic movements, like he's panting though she can't hear it over the roar of voices around them at the excitement of midnight getting closer. his eyes widen, like a deer caught in headlights, and he looks overwhelmed.
"mason, hey," elowen tries to yell over the noise, even pushing up on her tip toes to get nearer to his ear but before she knows it, he's pushing her body away. not roughly, but enough to make her stumble into the person behind her's back.
her boyfriend's dark eyes snap to her. "my good girl is a liar. lie after lie lie lie. you don't want to be here. just say it." he's raising his voice through his clenched teeth, nostrils flaring, and nothing comes out of her mouth. nothing to help mend this.
she's never seen him so emotional before. not since his ex died. never with her.
mason runs his hands through his perfectly messy hair, ruffling it further and tugging on the strands before he covers his palms over his ears. when he shakes his head roughly, she wonders if it's all the noise that's bothering him and putting him so on edge.
but then he looks at her, piercing in his gaze, and she knows it's her. "neither do I," he sneers spitefully, trying to wound her with his words the way he's done so many times in the past, consciously or not. she watches, baffled, as he starts to push through the crowd away from her. It's like he couldn't get out of there fast enough. It's as if he was running away from something—from her. she scared him away.
no, elowen forces herself to reject the conclusion. she realizes the issue: his anxiety. the crowds and voices must've triggered it. he's easily overwhelmed. It was the crowds. the crowds, the crowds, the crowds.
quickly, she pools all of her focus on trailing after him. maybe they can watch the fireworks from the sidelines, she decides. they'd still be able to see them just fine. they could work this out. once he's in a quieter area and she coaxes him into a better headspace, helps him relax, they would fix things. he would apologize for snapping at her, and she would apologize for being so somber on their date. It's a terrible habit of hers the way she gets stuck in her own head.
of course he felt offended; she's been frowning most of the night, and after all the effort he put.
It doesn't take long at all before she's lost sight of him completely. her body is being pushed and shoved from every direction as she tries to get out, and she can't believe mason managed to get through so quickly but he seems long gone at this point.
she wishes he would've talked to her rather than storm off. then again, she knows he's prone to shutting himself out when he's overwhelmed. her patience is her strongest virtue with him.
It isn't even anger she feels. she's worried.
In the distance, a white semi-truck suddenly rolls up and blocks off the far end of the street.
It makes her hesitate, her eyes narrowing in speculation of what it's doing there. she flips her body around curiously, checking if anyone else has noticed, and instantly sees the other end of the street has also just been blocked off by a white semi-truck. it doesn't take much guessing to realize the entire intersection they were currently in has just been closed off.
she wonders if maybe it's a safety precaution, or part of the parade. maybe there's more backup dancers in those trucks. but the pit in her stomach seems to think otherwise.
as she's refocusing on finding mason, still getting pushed and prodded by moving in the general direction he ran off in, the crowd engulfing her begins to countdown.
ten... nine... eight...
a wave of disappointment saddens her that they're missing the big moment together and her wish to kiss him at midnight until she decides what's more important right now is making sure he's okay.
though, she feels slightly irritated he'd left her alone to navigate through this chaos. It's intimidating. had he intended to leave her to find her own way home?
seven... six... five... four...
a man appears standing on top of the cargo trailer of the semi-truck down the street. he has a thick rope in his hands that he pulls up, and it must be attached to the the sliding door's handle at the back of the truck because suddenly, it's open.
three... two... one...
something comes sprinting straight towards them, animalistic in nature and inhumane in speed, and her breath catches in her throat.
happy new year!
the screams that follow after are deafening.
______
AHHHHHHHHH.