The sun leaked through the arched windows like warm honey, the rays spilling through the white curtains and illuminating the room. Something you would assume one would find comfort in, within the early hours of a crisp autumn morning, but no, not at this hour.
I could see the sun peaking over the steep hills, situated just outside the window, something about the warmth of the morning didn't quite sit right with me, it reminded me too much of her I suppose, not that I had any memories to be reminded of.
Thankfully however, before I could allow myself to get too lost within this detrimental train of thought, a familiar voice sprang to life before resonating in the air.
"Poppet, Breakfast"
Remus.
His voice was somewhat like a warm blanket on a cold winter's night, the way it's safety and warmth encased you. I always found that regardless of what Remus was saying, something about his soft tone always brought me comfort, and today was no different.
"No, too early. Shush" I groaned as I lifted my head from the pillow momentarily to angle my voice towards the crack in the door.
I hated the mornings, something about a new day always felt uneasy, like each moment of life was so fleeting but yet within the first few hours of each morning everything felt so still. So perfect. Which wasn't true in the slightest, nor would it ever be.
"It wasn't a question, Ari" He quipped back playfully, chuckling to himself absentmindedly. I couldn't see his face but I could practically envision the smirky grin plastered across it.
In spite of this, I hauled myself out of bed, resenting every moment of it. The bitter draft hit my bare skin, erupting my body in goosebumps as a sharp shiver coursed down my spine. It was only September 1st and autumn was already here with a vengeance.
"Good morning idiot," I grinned as I pulled a chair out for myself from the small two seater kitchen table in which Remus had placed, on top, a stack of pancakes and a jug of apple juice.
"Always a pleasure my dear" Remus remarked, feigning a posh tone, before joining me at the table and starting to dig into the mound of pancakes towering over us, although even our best efforts barely made a dent.
He knew I was nervous. I could see it welling within his eyes, he was nervous too. Understandably so, considering I was starting Hogwarts today after sixteen years of my life, which consisted of fairly minimal contact with the outside world.
My mum, Marlene, died when I was one, and just weeks after my dad, Sirius Black, was sentenced to life in Azkaban. Remus was all I ever really had and all I had ever known, I suppose I didn't mind it that way, or at least I didn't think I did. I didn't let myself think about it.
Voldemort was defeated just four years ago, the order successfully supporting Dumbledore with his triumph over the evil wizard, but with no solid evidence that Sirius didn't sell James and Lily to Voldemort all those years ago or that he didn't murder Pettigrew, the ministry were still no further inclined to re-evaluate his sentence. I wasn't sure how I felt about Sirius, but again, I didn't let myself think about it.
"I have something for you" His voice was tender and soft as usual, but fell heavy as it snapped me from my thoughts, "Deciding to finally attend Hogwarts, especially after all we've been through seems pretty present worthy. Don't you think?"
He reached down, just under his chair and came back up seconds later, only to place two neatly wrapped parcels upon the table and a small envelope on top. One of the parcels was long and rectangular whilst the other was perfectly square.
"Go on then, Poppet" he smiled comfortingly and nudged the gifts in my direction, but not before hastily grabbing the envelope that sat on top of them and holding it in his lap.
The square parcel contained a vintage muggle polaroid camera. Remus noted, as I opened it, that he didn't want me to miss a second of the next two years and it seemed only sensible to document it. Remus was sentimental like that, and that opinion of him would only intensify as I opened the other package.
After tearing back the brown paper I was left stunned as a sleek black box lay restless in my hands, the words "PROPERTY OF MARLENE MCKINNON'' stuck on the top, the writing scribbled in what I can only assume was my mothers messy scrawl. I glanced at Remus cautiously before removing the lid and forcing myself to suppress the tears that welled within my eyes as I realised what it was.
"How did you?..When did you? I don't understand" I muttered incoherently, in utter disbelief, as I reached into the box and retracted my hand, along with my mothers wand. 10" Elm with a unicorn hair core, it vibrated momentarily in my fingertips before settling down. My emotions now fighting harder to reach the surface, as a single tear escaped my eyes and trickled down my cheek before I swiped it away, but I knew he saw.
"I went to Grimmauld place last weekend and came across it. I wasn't sure whether to tell you I'd been or not, I know how you get about that place" He said sincerely, rushing to add a loving smile.
And he was right. I hadn't been to many places in my life, but Grimmauld was ranked lowest by far. Remus and I used to attend every week to meet up with the members of the order to discuss things (mainly Sirius) and to simply just talk about "old times" as Alastor Moody often referred to it. I don't go anymore, I stopped around six months ago, it just got too hard.
I hated that unfamiliar atmosphere that never seemed to fade regardless of how many times you visited or how long you stayed. Being there, where he grew up, and where mum spent so much of her time felt wrong, like a twisted mockery of some kind.
The drawing room walls were plastered in many photographs, too many. I could recall each one by memory, each smile or pose, where they stood, where the others stood. It felt wrong to look at them, and to have them look back at me, each and every one of their faces so innocent and naive. So clueless to what the future held for them.
"This however, I wasn't sure about giving you" Again his deep voice shattered my thoughts and I looked up at him as he extended his arm out in front of me, holding that envelope in his palm. "But it's only fair I do" he added before gesturing to me to remove the letter from between his finger tips.
As I did so I felt my stomach instantly sink, each mouthful of pancake now churning within me and my heart suddenly beating possibly hundreds of miles per minute. The deep purple wax seal embellished with a large 'A' was unlike any other, it was unmistakable, I couldn't help but think that was on purpose.
The words "Previously Property Of Azkaban Prison" was scribbled pathetically in the corner and my breath hitched in my throat momentarily as I began opening the letter.
~~~~~
Dear Ardelle,
Remus wrote to me just a couple weeks ago telling me that you are due to start Hogwarts on the 1st and I am so proud you have decided you are finally ready. I hope this makes it to you by the 1st, I am sending it on the 23rd but they don't seem to care here when your daughter is making life changing strides in the outside world, that does not qualify as 'urgent' in their books.
Regardless, you are going to do so well Poppet, as long as you stay on Snape's good side (he was never a big fan of mine) But stay out of trouble and do your best kid. I love you and I miss you so much. It's hard to picture your beautiful face these days, having not seen it for so long, but I can only imagine it's just like your mothers.
I will see you soon Ardelle, that's a promise.
All my love
Dad x
~~~~~
The deep breath that followed was heavy, and it rested in the air for a moment. It felt wrong to hear him refer to himself as "dad" as though I didn't already have one sitting across the table from me. Speaking of which, Remus was now clearing away the plates, desperate not to connect his gaze to mine, not wanting to push me to talk, but I could see the worry rattling inside him.
He did that rather well, giving me my space until the inevitably of me needing him arose.
"Thanks Moony I love it all, I'm going to get changed" I smiled cheerfully, masking the gaping hole within me so well, and in response to my words I watched as the relief washed over him like a wave.
I was good at that I'd learnt, concealing my emotions for the convenience of others, or maybe for the convenience of myself, I wasn't entirely sure.
But the facade didn't last long, as upon entering my bedroom it was as though the walls had caved in around me. My nimble legs giving way below my weight as I crashed to the floor, letter still clutched firmly in hand. I didn't bother to try and suppress any emotion at this point, the tears were inevitably free falling down my cheeks, and I watched every few seconds as they fell into my lap.
I wanted the ground to consume me whole, for the world around me to shatter momentarily as I gathered myself. I wasn't entirely sure why, but I wanted it nonetheless. I suppose hearing from him is often overwhelming. Truthfully I didn't know this man, this man who held so much value upon my life and yet I've never even heard the sound of his voice. I missed him and yet never wanted to see him all at once. How do you miss someone you've never met?
I could never seem to process these emotions before it spilled into this shameless spiral of tears and feelings and quite frankly utter bullshit that I wished would go away. My sobs grew louder and my surroundings fizzled until they were nothing short of a numb blur. That gaping hole inside me always seemed to be chipped away at ever so slightly at the thought of Sirius, hence the whole 'I don't let myself think about it'. Although truth be told that only worked fifty percent of the time.
I continued to bawl, unaware of my gradually increasing sound. I barely even noticed I was wrapped securely in strong arms with my head pressed safely against someone's chest until I heard the light hum of Remus from above me. "Shh, It's ok Ari, it's all ok" His voice was the only familiarity at that moment, but I was ok with that. He sat on the floor and rocked me slowly, the way a father should, he was present and he always made me aware of that. Remus was here. He was always here.
"What's going on Poppet?" He was soft and gentle but not in the slightest condescending.
"It's just all too much sometimes" I pushed out between shaky breaths, my voice seeming to break every few words. "I don't know how I feel about him anymore, I just get scared that..scared if.." I trailed off, unsure whether I wanted to finish my sentence, or even knew how.
"What pup, what are you scared of?" The composure he held within his own voice was remarkable, not a croak nor a waver, as his soft humming continued to fill my ears.
"I just..what if he comes back and then he replaces you?" With this I let out an aggravated sob and burrowed my head further into Remus's chest as I felt his grip around me tighten. This fear had been eating away at me for forever. I suppose airing it made that overbearing weight ease slightly. Remus pulled me into him and sighed, chuckling softly.
"Pup, Sirius could walk through that door tomorrow, or in five years, but no matter when he does I will always be your dad, first and foremost, forever. You hear me?"
I nodded into him and found mild comfort in his reassurance. I shouldn't let the thoughts of an abandoner cloud my judgment or overshadow the relationship I had with Remus, no one was being replaced and I needed to remind myself of it. Obviously I knew Sirius had no choice in leaving me, but it still stung sometimes. Well, all the time.
Since then I had gathered my thoughts and got myself ready to leave. I had chosen out my favourite jeans, the ones with the frayed hems, and a white collared shirt paired with my black jumper. I wasn't entirely sure what to wear to be honest, I found myself suddenly overly conscious of my appearance and insecure, almost as though I was exposed.
I walked out into the living room, dragging my trunks behind me. My stomach sank as I realised the portkey was in fact ready and we had to leave relatively soon. Remus gripped my shoulder comfortingly and gave me one of those unintentionally encouraging grins.
"You're going to do brilliant" He reassured me before giving me a little nod indicating it was time to leave. I responded with a replicating smile and placed my hand on the portkey, albeit cautiously as I had never quite gotten used to this feeling that was soon to erupt inside me.
Before I could fixate too much on the reality of where were headed, I found myself standing there. A relatively empty platform that we had gotten to earlier than anticipated. Although I think Remus did that on purpose in case a sudden panic attack decided to pounce on me unannounced.
"Who did you say we were meeting again? Besides Harry Potter of course" I ask nervously, desperate to conceal the waver in my tone.
Remus had told me he spoke to some students of his and explained I would be joining and they seemed "All too happy to meet me" in Remus's own words. I wasn't so sure but I disregarded the skepticality of the situation, I needed to stop assuming everyone would leave me before they had even arrived.
"Well yes, Harry is meeting us on the train, along with his friends Ron and Hermione. They are good people Ardelle, they're starting 5th year too, I think you will really like them" He sounded convinced and content as he hauled the baggage behind us, allowing me to walk free handed.
I nodded shyly in response before stepping onto the train. The first step I took, and I was already convinced the legs would give way, and buckle under the pressure, but I held my composure and followed Remus to an empty carriage.
My head was really spinning now, the light nausea swirling in my stomach was now a full blown tsunami and my body was radiating so much heat I was convinced as my legs came into contact with the seat below, my thighs would burn it.
Remus must have observed the sudden increase in panic because he reached out from his seat opposite me and placed a hand on my knee, but not before taking a long deep breath and encouraging me to do the same. We muttered between ourselves momentarily before our conversation was broken by the voice of a young boy standing at the carriage door.
"So sorry we're late professor, I know we said we would meet you here at quarter too but Ron left his trunk in the car" The young boy, spitting image of James potter, stepped forward slightly and reached his hand out towards Remus.
Remus accepted it gladly and gave him a smile along with a pat on the shoulder, and suddenly, without warning, I was struck with a tinge of jealousy I rushed to stamp out. I'd never thought about having to "share" Remus as it were. It had only just dawned on me that his safe and reassuring smile and his comforting demeanour was not only reserved for me.
I'm sure plenty of students used Remus as a sounding board, somebody they trusted and someone they could vent too. I allowed this feeling to resonate momentarily before dismissing it completely. I was being stupid, of course other people turned to Remus for support, why wouldn't they?
"Not to worry Harry, you're only a couple minutes late, besides it's not like we have anywhere to go" He chuckled and Harry to did the same, as he gestured for Harry to sit down within the booth.
"Hi, I'm Harry, and this is.." he gestured his hands towards the door of the carriage and I followed his motion with my gaze. Now that Harry was sitting down, the reason he has said 'we' became a lot more apparent.
His friends were standing in the doorway momentarily before also sitting down, following Harry in suit. The boy sat down next to Harry, seemingly smiley but slightly reserved, however the girl placed herself next to me and projected a rather large grin in my direction. It was soft and friendly, something I managed to find instant comfort in.
"Hermione" she finished for him with a bubbly warm tone, a tone that slightly confused me considering nobody in my life had ever been in such a good mood to meet me. She reminded me of Tonks in a way, her cordial smile and honey brown eyes that couldn't help but find great amenity in. "And this is Ronald" she finished gesturing in the ginger boys direction.
"Ron is fine" he corrected her, looking rather embarrassed at the mention of his full name.
"I'm Ardelle" I smiled guardedly, as I so desperately attempted to gage the tone in the air, "But you can call me Ari, or Elle, whichever you prefer really"
"Lovely to meet you Ari" Hermione beamed at me and the two boys nodded in agreement. I'm still unsure if they realised or not, but that simple smile they all held so effortlessly, almost like they wanted to, was the most relieving thing I had felt in a long time.
"I'm going to leave you guys to get on with it, talk about whatever teenagers talk about and I'll see you at the platform, come and find me if you need me Elle, okay?" Remus started brushing down his robes and making his way out the carriage. I groaned quietly at his choice of words but couldn't help crack a smile.
"Sure Moony, see you soon"
As he made his way out of the carriage the others gaped at me in confusion but collectively chose not to probe me into explaining why I had just referred to Remus as Moony.
The train had been running smoothly for around twenty minutes and thankfully I could report that the conversation had been doing the same. The three of them all seemed to be so very interested in my life, careful not to mention mum or Sirius which I was very grateful for.
"So, you have had dinner with the actual order of the phoenix?" Ron exclaimed open mouthed, his jaw practically sat on the floor. It had only just registered in my head that these small things that I deemed normal were actually quite the opposite.
"Yeah, I mean-" I was cut of mid sentence by the sound of giggling as two large boys appeared in the doorway to the carriage, looming over us.
"Oi Ron, have you seen Percy's wand? He went ballistic-" the first boy spoke in a rapid sort of pants.
"Saying it was us that took it, when it really wasn't" The second boy finished.
"Yeah right" Hermione muttered under her breath and I couldn't bite back the giggle that got caught in my throat. This small sound that escaped me silenced the carriage and one of the two boys gaze locked with mine.
Holy Shit.
This boy was beautiful. Unlike any human being I'd ever seen in my entirety of existence. He looked at me with a sly smirk before his brother from behind spoke up.
"Hi there, sorry we didn't notice the fab three had a new member, I'm George, Ron's older brother, we're the year above" His tone was soft and careful, unlike the one I imagine to come from the almost identical boy standing next to him.
Somehow they both seemed so different whilst being practically identical. George seemed to radiate a gentle and friendly sense to his demeanor but held up a mild reserve. His brother however was something else entirely.
The curves of his jaw were perfect, and the soft daylight bounced through the large train window and settled in his copper eyes so beautifully. His lips were full and soft looking, I found my gaze breaking from his and fixating upon them for maybe a little too long. The light chuckle he let slip in response to his brother's comment melted my insides and I was confident that had I not been sitting down, my legs would have given way under me.
"I'm Fred, Fred Weasley" He stuck his hand out in front of me and I responded maybe slightly too eagerly gripping his hand and shaking it enthusiastically.
"Ardelle, Ardelle Lupin-Black" I responded quietly, partially due to the lack of air in my lungs at that precise moment and partly from fear of how he would react to my last name.
"No, I don't have Percy's wand gits" Ron snapped at them and broke me from my daydreams, most of which were different variations of me smashing my lips into the tall ginger in front of me.
"Okay, okay, just asking" George threw his hands up defensively before scoffing and starting to retreat out of the carriage.
"We will see you around Ardelle" Fred smirked and flashed me a wink before whipping his head in his brother's direction and following him out the carriage and out of my eyeline.
Fuck.
I took a deep looming breath to steady my thoughts before returning my attention back to the group.
If only I knew. If only I had realised, that in that very moment I had just met the person that would change my life. The person that would fix me, or rather teach me how to fix myself.