"Cras amet qui nunquam amavit; quique amavit, cras amet." -Pervigilium Veneris
May he love tomorrow who has never loved before; and may he who has loved, love tomorrow as well.
The moment Eddy saw the bride walk down the aisle, he can't help but feel a pinch in his chest. Sure, he may never feel a love wherein he gets married in a church but he doesn't mind. He was never religious, anyway.
But there was something beautiful about wedding in churches. The rumble of an organ playing the infamous wedding march, the echo within the cathedral of words and the love that it naturally radiates. Yes, Eddy isn't spiritual too but there's something about being bound to each other in a church that no feeling can beat.
The father was walking the bride, leading her to the altar and give her off to Kevin, Eddy's cousin. He had already approved of him, but he was silently praying to the God in front of him. Silently praying that the next man he will pass his daughter to will love her as much as he ever did. If not as much, he was hoping more.
Eddy was somehow jealous, knowing that he will never get that type of approval by his own parents. He looked away to avoid the pain, but it was oh so beautiful. Everything about this wedding seemed so right.
His eyes wander back to her accidentally. The very first woman he had loved next to his mother and his sister. She was there, in a gorgeous golden gown with her teary eyes and wonderful lips. He knows he shouldn't.
He shouldn't look at her like this. He shouldn't look at her the same way he did years ago. He felt another pang in his chest the moment his mind drifts to Brett. The realization strikes and the guilt sinks in his stomach.
I'm still in love with Toni.
The feeling was so indescribable. He could still see himself in this setting with Toni. A future with Brett seemed unclear in his mind. He knows he shouldn't be thinking this way. He really shouldn't consider the possibility of marrying his ex.
Not when he had told Brett that he was ready to be with him.
Yet, as any human, the thought dances around his mind. It drifts to a color scheme of royal blue and silver. A white dress and a veil with her being walked by her dad. Brett, his best man, standing next to him looking at the beautiful couple and smiling.
This is the time that Eddy felt guilt. He wanted to go back to the time when he wasn't aware of Brett's love. To go back to the time where Brett was a supportive best friend instead of this wonderful in between best friend and boyfriend boundary. He clenched his fist and tears were almost streaming down his face.
He had controlled it but the guilt was there. He should really call Brett after this and apologize. Apologize for the past year, for letting him hold on, only to end up with nothing in return and to apologize for meaning what he had said yesterday but realizing he regrets it.
The wedding is finally finished and they were all headed to the reception. Eddy was glad he was alone for a moment so that he could call Brett. Nervously, he scrolled through his contacts and looked for Brett. With his shaking hands, he pressed call.
He was so nervous and he didn't know why. It's not like Brett will ever leave him or react so badly. Eddy's sure that Brett will understand.
"Hello?" Brett said in a warm tone, he was happy that Eddy called earlier than he had expected.
"Hey..." Eddy replied, trying to match Brett's tone.
"How's the wedding?" Brett asked.
"It was beautiful. It made me think of something, though." Eddy said with a sad tone.
"Are you okay? You sound sad..."
"Yeah, I'm okay. I just have to tell you something."
"Sure, what is it? You should tell me now, they're probably waiting for you."
Eddy took a deep breath and told Brett the truth.
"Brett, I think I still love Toni." Eddy said quietly.
Brett was silent for a while, trying to process what he had heard. The tears were already spilling out but he wiped them away.
"That's fine. I understand... Why do you think you're still in love with her, though?" Brett asked, no malice behind his voice. Just curiosity.
"When I saw my cousin getting married, I realized that I want something like that. A church wedding with a beautiful bride walking with her father down the aisle. I swear, Brett, if you would've seen. You would've wanted the same thing." Eddy explained, looking around in nervousness with tears in his eyes.
"I guess so... Yeah, I understand. I bet it made you cry." Brett joked, trying to lighten the mood.
He was trying to be a supportive best friend again. At this point, he knows that he couldn't be anything more in Eddy's life. So, he better stick to the role of a best friend instead of hurting himself trying to be more.
"It did..." Eddy said, pressing his lips together in a thin line and chuckling a little.
There was another moment of silence until Eddy spoke up.
"I'm really sorry, Brett... I didn't mean to break the news like this. I just didn't want you to feel so happy seeing me tomorrow. I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now." Eddy said apologetically.
"No, you shouldn't feel that way. I'm glad you told me the truth... I just have one question, though."
"Yeah?"
"Do you ever regret knowing that I love you?"
Eddy didn't answer immediately. Yet, he was here to tell the truth. He already spilled everything so he might as well just continue.
"Sometimes, yeah. Only because you've always been so kind and supportive. It sucks not being able to reciprocate that love you feel for me. I'm not pressured to do so or anything, you've been patient with me all the time that you've known me. It's just, I feel guilty making you wait a year and a half only for us to still end up as best friends."
"No, don't feel guilty... Thank you for telling me the truth, though. At least we know where we stand now, right?"
"Right."
"Anyway, get back to the wedding. You still have a speech to make."
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"I don't think so. My mom asked me to go to the mall with her tomorrow and I declined but I think I'll go with her. Sorry, Eddy..."
Eddy felt guilty there. He felt a tinge of pain in his chest. This was the first time Brett had rejected him. But, Eddy should understand the same way Brett did. He was heartbroken, of course he didn't want to see Eddy immediately.
"It's okay..."
"I'll just see you the day after tomorrow, okay?"
"Of course..."
With that, Eddy felt pain when the line disconnected. This was the first time his best friend had ever said no to him and it felt weird. Still, Eddy continued to go to the reception.
The moment he danced with Toni, something inside him just felt happy. He felt happy but something was missing.
"Hey Toni?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you ever regret falling in love with someone?" Eddy asked quietly as they swayed together.
"Sometimes, you." Toni said honestly.
"Me?" Eddy asked, very surprised at the honest answer.
"Yeah. Only because I saw how Brett loved you but I was in so much denial. I regret loving you that time because it felt so real. I knew I was really, really in love with you... But there was Brett, who loved you more. He loved you so unconditionally that I can't compete. Maybe it's part of the reason I sheltered you and kept you in a home." Toni said, smiling.
"Dude, it's been a year and a half and I'm still in love with you." Eddy replied honestly.
"You think you're still in love with me because of the expectations your mom put on you. You think you want this, a white wedding and my father to give me away at our wedding. Eddy, maybe you're just afraid of falling in love with Brett because you know that once you do, you might never love the same way again."
"I'm really not. I do want a traditional wedding but I can't do that with Brett now, can I?"
"Eddy, that's not the point. You don't always have to live by your parents' expectation for you. You have to think of what you want. After all, you can't stop the love if it's a soulmate." Toni said with a sigh. "Is this is about your past life? Will you really let him wait again until your parents die?" Toni added.
"It's still you. I still love you."