"Sic ego nec sine te nec tecum vivere possum." -Ovid
So I can't live either without you or with you.
"I wanna be your friend, Eddy. I really do, but don't you think that it wouldn't be awkward?" Brett added.
"Not at all! It's only awkward if we make it awkward... Brett, I just don't want to lose you... Fuck Brett, the week without you had been too much how will I keep on going?" Eddy said, with tears spilling out of his eyes.
"Eddy, you know I hate making you feel bad..." Brett started, words coming out almost like a threat or a warning.
"Then don't. Keep being my best friend... Please Brett, I can't live without you."
"But, I can't live with you..."
"So what if you can't? I know you can't lose me too."
The fire in Brett's chest is personified. It's walking around under his skin, burning a bit more than necessary for him to go through. Then there it was, the beast of emotions unleashed from his heart. Whether it was out of love, or agitation, Brett didn't know. Once he spoke up, he couldn't stop.
"How dare you say that to me, Eddy? You just don't know what it feels like, do you? What it's like to constantly long for something you can't get a hold of? What it's like to dream about us, sweet and loving but the moment you wake up the bitter realization seeps in through the sweetness? You don't know what it might feel like to just sit and watch your beloved love someone else..."
Something clicks inside Eddy. Years and years and years of knowing Brett, everything hit him harder. Why does he know what it all suddenly feels like? Why did it make sense after seeing the image of Brett and Jordon at the airport? Why does he know what it felt like?
"You might have felt that for a long time but that doesn't mean I never felt it, too... You don't know what I felt when I saw you and Jordon at the airport."
"Then spit it out, Eddy. Whatever cruel joke this might be, please just get it over with. Hurt me, please. Don't lie to me, just hit me hard with a truth... You don't have to do this."
There was a moment of silence between them. It was so nerve-racking, uncomfortable and vulnerable and it's persisting. Eddy doesn't know how to speak his truth and Brett had been nothing but truthful the entire time. It's a big contrast but when Eddy decides to be as transparent, maybe something could go right for once between them.
"I felt as though I loved you." Eddy said, simple words that could make Brett's world stop.
Brett's world did stop, alright. He felt everything that he ever wanted was right there. Though, something feels wrong. Something doesn't make sense. Brett's soul is rejoicing but his conscience isn't.
"I have nothing to say to that, Eddy... You're still with Toni and she loves you! I don't wanna ruin that..." Brett said, honesty spilling out.
"I know you don't... But now, I can't help but just feel like I love you. Like I want to hold you close to me and kiss you and sleep in the same bed with you..." Eddy said, looking directly at Brett.
Brett just cried right then and there. He doesn't care if Eddy is present and could see him. He needs to cry and he will do so without hesitation.
"Eddy please don't play with my feelings like this. I can't handle it... I'll lose my mind knowing you've said everything you just had and meant it sincerely." Brett replied, avoiding Eddy's burning stare.
"But I do mean it, Brett. I mean every single word I had just uttered. I meant it all." Eddy stated without hesitation nor regret.
Nearing Brett, his hands wanted to reach out and meet the side of Brett's waist. His hands wanted to caress the soft cheek of Brett's face. Somehow, these urges become stronger.
"But it'll be the best if you stay unavailable to me..." Brett started.
"I guess so, too... It'll be the best for our friendship. And Toni..." Eddy added.
Brett wiped his tears and pretended to be fine living like this. Who the hell tells their best friend all that just to come back to their significant other? Brett asked as he looked at his best friend. He already told himself nothing good would come out of a confession.
- - - - -
April 19, 2014
The fire behind his voice is nothing compared to the ice behind his stares. Who the fuck tells you they love you only to leave you alone afterwards? Who the hell tells you that you're the one they love then immediately come back to the love of their heart?
Why can't I let him go and let him be free with the one he loves?
Everything about him melts me, the fire from his voice and the heat from his love... Every single fiber of my body is incinerated but he cannot see the forest fire he had created out of me. He cannot reduce the fires because there is no amount of water that could burn me out.
Goddamn those brown eyes that I just can't resist. This is so infuriating... Why do I keep on playing with the fire of his soul? Mine sure as hell ain't freezing, rather my soul is in a drought from his love. His fire is in an intended and extended heat wave and his love is making me insane.
While you my lover? You have been nothing but the oceans of love pouring over me... You always try to lessen the damage of his drought but let me tell you something... Your ocean is not enough, it dries out too. You cannot heal this desert that I had crafted over the years.
You cannot make it to a beautiful shore or a wonderful beach that could be a honeymoon island. No, lover of mine. You deserve the moon and I know exactly who deserves you and will nourish you.
I know exactly who deserves you and I cannot believe I haven't done this earlier. I know who your moon is, my lover. You are his beloved and that's better than being a lover. Here I am, letting you be with your moon.
Honey, your ocean isn't necessary. The drought of me will never be cured, for I had carried it with me until now from my past life. Forgive me for wasting your efforts, I hope his love for you will help you. He needs you and you need him.
You don't need my drought. You need the moon.
Brett stopped writing and picked up the phone next to him. He knew exactly who to call and did why. His thumbs brush against the keys and typed a name. He should have done this before moving to Sydney.
"Hey, Dan..." Brett started over the phone, nervously fiddling with the pen in his right hand.
"Hey, what's up? You called in a bit too early... You okay?" Dan asked over the other side of the line.
"Yeah, it's just, something dawned on me this morning... I can't help but think of you..." Brett started honestly, no filter in his voice.
"Really? What is it?"
"You love him so much, don't you?"
There was a piercing silence between the line but Brett reassured him.
"Bro, nothing bad would come out of this phone call. It just, made sense that you were in love with him. Well, still in love..."
"But how?"
"Well, Davydov, it's been quite a while, isn't it?" Brett asked, no malice behind his voice. Just checking if he was correct or not.
"How did you know?" Dan asked, quite surprised.
"I've had my intuition tell me... But aren't you glad he isn't family now than before?" Brett asked.
"I am, but he still treats me as family..."
"It's because he doesn't know. Let him know, Dan. The past wasn't good to the both of you, you could make it better now... As Dan and Jordon, not Davydov and Tchaikovsky. Let him know..."
"But what about you?"
"I don't deserve him as much as you do, I assure you that. I still love Eddy, Dan. I don't want Jordon to be the second option, not when you have him as your first. He deserves to be first." Brett admitted, still fiddling with his pen.
"You sure you'll be fine?" Dan reassured.
"Yeah, I'm really sure. Go to him, Dan."
"I will..."
With that, Brett hung up with a smile on his face. He was happy that his friends get the love that they deserve. As for him? He'll think of himself eventually, just not now. For now, he could only be the best for his friends and maybe for himself too. He loves him, but he'll never be loved.