"Alitur vitium, vivitque tegendo." -Virgil
Vice thrives and lives by concealment.
"You don't have time? For what exactly?" Eddy asked.
"All that dating thingy. I already suck at time management as a student alone, the person I would date would just feel awful." Brett said, laughing a little.
Eddy laughed with Brett as they walked down the corridor.
"You have time, man?" Eddy asked as they were about to exit the gates.
"Nah man, Jordon said he wanted to hang out." Brett said, smiling at Eddy.
"You're replacing me with Jordon now, huh?" Eddy asked jokingly, ruffling with Brett's hair.
Brett looked up at him with a soft, soft look on his face. It was bright today and the sun was hitting Eddy's cheek, it makes him look like he's glowing. All those years, Brett had learned how to not blush around Eddy anymore. There's just days where it seemed that his entirety wanted to give in to Eddy.
"It's not like that, bro. I like hanging out with Jordon and Dan. Especially when they're both composing." Brett said, eyes drifting away from Eddy's eyesight.
"They're childhood best friends, right? They met when we were the same age, right? Like us before..." Eddy said, smiling at Brett again.
"Yeah, but I was older than you by a year, dumbass." Brett joked, looking at the pavement in front of them.
"I was better at maths, though." Eddy said proudly, still laughing.
There was a comfortable silence after the laughing as died out. These are all the moments that Brett live for. Hearing his heartbeat slow when the quiet enters, seeing everything about him become less tense. This reminds him of how dangerous it really is around Eddy.
Eddy is so unaware of what he felt and somehow, Brett's longing grows. It expands in size, stretching and blooming. It feels like a tacenda of chaos, a quiet storm, a silent river. They are all unspoken but you know.
Even if the pain is gone at these types of moments where it's only the two of them, he has to feel the pain a little. A pinch on the heart just to remind himself of the reality of all this. Sometimes, affliction is the greatest memorabilia of an unrequited love.
To ground himself back in on the reality of his lovelorn state, he had to ask.
"How're things with you Toni?" Brett asked.
He had to ask before he forgets about her name and her place in Eddy's life. A place he could never take. A place that he could never cross on his life-
"It's going great... Man, I am so happy with her." Eddy said, a smile creeping up his face. This was a different type of smile than he gave Brett.
This one is special, reserved for his lover. The golden look, with his eyes crinkled on the edges and his lips stretched at it's maximum. Goddamn, Brett Yang would be lying if he said he didn't want that smile to be just for him.
That's the shock of pain Brett was waiting for. The one to bring him back up and remind him of his place. Remind him of the place that he should be taking.
"Well, I'm glad... I'm so fucking happy for you, Eddy. You wouldn't even know." Brett said genuinely, no jokes nor hesitation in his voice.
It almost made him believe the lie, too. Only, it was more of a half-truth.
"Thanks, Brett. Thank you for everything."
"Of course..."
- - - - -
August 7, 2012
There comes a certain point where I would consider this unrequited love of mine as a vice. It's like gambling but with no chance of winning. Smoking when I'm already struggling to breathe. Drinking when my liver already is at a maximum damaged state.
Of all the vices in the world, loving has got to be the one that has no cure. They say that stopping is the cure but like other vices, you simply cannot stop. Especially if you conceal and hide, these habits thrive. They grow stronger as they are sheltered.
Even if we say we hate martyrdom, there's something about loving someone. Something so painful but oh so euphoric at the same time. The elation is unlike any other and the anticipation? The anticipation is always boiling and waiting to be tipped over but it stays in that very state. It stays still but it's almost there.
Almost pouring out, and I would consider my confession to be that. Almost pouring out.
Still, I know that this is wrong. This is painful and hopeless. There is nothing great that will come my way at this stage. I know. I know oh so well but I cannot stop. I do not want to stop.
- - - - -
"Yo, Brett, could you play this for me?" Dan requested, pointing out at the melody that came out of his mind.
"Sure, let me just..." Brett said, looking for the right fingerings.
After making sure, he played the melody. Jordon's eyes suddenly was magnetic to the metal that is Brett's presence. The way he carried himself was ordinary and nothing about Brett was so unique. And yet, Jordon felt too captivated.
As though Brett's force is so strong, so magnetic and encompassing... Jordon could only see for himself quite well. He was not your typical attractive, but he was so captivating. He was his own charm. He was too beautiful and Jordon has the urge to reach out and beg.
Ask Brett to let him be the love of his heart. Heal his broken heart and give him a love greater than he deserves. But Jordon knew all too well that nothing could compete with the man living on Brett's heart.
What makes the whole situation worse is the fact that Eddy was not a bad man. He was great and Jordon saw why Brett would be in love. He is not someone who takes advantage of Brett's infatuation. Eddy even tells Brett that it's too much and returns it with no hesitation.
Maybe it's the reason why Jordon would beg to be with Brett.
To give him the love, to compensate for the drought of affection Brett was missing because his love was far from requital. To show Brett that he could be the same in terms of giving love. To be with Brett with no intention other than to love him.
Still, at the end of the day, he could only be at this distance. On the piano stool, tinkling away an accompaniment. On the second violin chair, supporting his melody. On Brett's side but never next to him in bed. Jordon could only be a supporting act.
Somehow, he both can and cannot accept the fact that he's only going to be a supporting act. Jordon isn't asking for Brett to take Eddy's place. No, he was just asking for one wherein he stood in a similar pedestal as Eddy's. He knows he could never live up to that spot.
It was the same with Dan. Dan is in a higher spot than Brett. Even if he might seem hopelessly in love with Brett, Dan is still in a different place. Dan is still his childhood best friend. That doesn't change no matter what happens.
Still, Jordon held on to whatever he could. It was still better than nothing. Even with the knowledge of knowing that they could never be together. It was normal to feel this way, after all.
There's something about pining that makes the love stronger. Something about keeping it a secret makes it grow bigger. That's why people who are publicly exclusive seem to fall apart easier than ones who hide their love. Maybe there's a correlation there, somewhere.
Or maybe just the external factors of it? Either way, Jordon is fucked. He won't be able to stand it, but he's glad he has support. He was happy with where he stands, even though it's painful.
"That's a beautiful melody." Jordon said, smiling at them.
"Were you even listening? He played horribly." Dan said, laughing with Brett.
"Yeah man, you okay? That was pretty shit." Brett said, laughing hard.
"Oh." Jordon said, laughing. "Anyway, let's do something else." He added.
"You're too distracted. You need to stop worrying and thinking too much." Brett suggested.
"Yeah, I agree." Dan said, setting his cello back to its case properly.
They all walked out of the practice room, heading towards the bubble tea shop. The sun was shining and Jordon was happy. He was with two people that he held so close to his heart was with him and concerned about his well-being.
He was happy to have these people in his life and he couldn't be any better than he was. He is contented even if he knows that Brett's attention will immediately divert to Eddy's once he's needed. He doesn't have to think about that, for now he could enjoy this.