when i got home, the house was all eerily fucked up and quiet. after my younger sister answered the door i went straight up to my room and took off my shoes and coat, before emptying my pockets. m had managed to slip me some free cigs she had also stolen from her dad, just in time for school tomorrow, when she knew i'd need them the most. she used to come to school, but now she just kind of.. appears when and wherever she wanted to, meaning i was left with just myself in that toxic ass environment, most of the time.
i wiped my make up off weakly and climbed into bed. i opened up my macbook and went onto my spotify, to reorganise my trashy playlists and prepare myself for the week ahead.
i noticed that i had a new follower, under the name 'j2003b' huh. i had no clue who they were, but after some obvious stalking i saw that they listened to similar shit to me, like colson, dom, and even some blackbear. maybe they followed me because of my playlists..? anyway. i didn't care. a new follower, meh sick cool whatever.
i slipped into a deep sleep and woke up 3 hours later to my mum towering over me, complaining about how i missed dinner. i blame the nic.
'mum it's like 10:40pm please let me go back to sleep' i moaned, looking up at her.
'pack it in anastasia, you've got exams soon. buckle the fuck up.'
she slammed the door and left. i fucking hated when she called me anastasia. my dad used to call me that when i was younger and actually had a relationship with him. anyway, fuck that soppy shit. i grunted over to my wardrobe, threw my uniform onto the floor for tomorrow and got right back into bed, pulling the covers over me until it all went dark.
when i woke up, my alarm was blaring, and i struggled to slam my phone with my fingers to get it to stop. i sat up in bed and stared at all the shit i'd scribbled on my wardrobe before i managed to muster up the energy to stand up. i turned a light on in the hallway and smeared my eyes in an attempt to feel more awake.
the shower water hit me like a ton of bricks, irrationally. i washed my hair, shaved as much leg as i could be bothered to, and got right out again.
it was too early to blast music - i didn't feel like being shouted at - so i stared lifelessly into the mirror as i brushed my teeth. i left the bathroom and slipped back into my room, to actually make a start on my appearance.
i went for some simple black lacey undies and a black bralet. i pulled on my tights, and added a few rips around the thigh area, then zipped up my achingly short skirt. i pulled my school shirt over my head, tied my tie thickly and swapped the normal school jumper for my go to trampled nike crewneck. i popped my collar through and reorganised my necklaces so you could see them. i swapped my stud earrings for a few dangling chains and some random hoops i could find. i winced when i brushed my wet tangled hair, and towel dried it as much as i could. i couldn't be bothered to dry it properly.
i made an abrupt start on my make up, i only had 40 minutes until i had to be in registration. i filled in my brows and concealed them so they were sleek and sharp. i did my eyeliner and thickened it up as much as i could. i didn't bother with falsies, i had nobody to impress. i primed my face quickly for my base, put on mascara, then finished with some light coverage foundation, powder, and highlight. i sighed as i looked in the mirror, nothing new. i still had no clue what i looked like to other people, it daunted over me. body dysmorphia eats you up inside out.
i grabbed my bag and threw in some gum, a portable charger because my phone battery was shit, my earphones, a hairbrush, some carmex, my cigs, my lighter, some body spray, a biro, and some notebook to doodle on in lesson.
just before i flew out my bedroom door, i sprayed my go - to perfume all over my neck and wrists. i ran downstairs, put on my airforces, threw a cornish pasty and a wagon wheel in my bag, and shouted at my family that i was leaving.
'see you later!' i shouted unenthusiastically, making my way down the road to my school. i stuck my earphones into my phone and put on tickets to my downfall, which was literally free therapy in an album. i popped a bit of gum in my mouth and drowned out the noise of all the preppy fuckers walking in front and behind me.
i wanted to stop at my local petrol station to grab a monster or a lucozade but i really didn't have time. i figured i'd just get one after school, i had the cigs to get me through break and lunch.
i had history first. i actually considered going before i remembered the cigs in my bag, and then almost automatically steered myself into
the toilet block furthest away from my history room. i went into my preferred cubicle, locked the door, closed the toilet lid, and sat down.
i dropped my bag onto the floor then looked up and remembered the smoke alarms. shit, i can't smoke in here. oh well, even without cigs i can just sit and listen to music. i put on one of my playlists and started writing on my section of the wall.
i scribbled '505' and sat back and looked at everything i had written, over the months that i'd adapted to this cubicle. i pulled out my wagon wheel and ate it quickly, i was hungry as fuck as i accidentally slept through dinner the night before.
eventually the lesson ended and i began striding towards the drama block. drama was lesson 2, and it was my favourite out of anything else on my timetable. it had the most bearable classmates in and my teacher was surprisingly kind.
i drew a skeleton on my hand for 90% of the hour though, don't get it twisted. even though it was my favourite lesson i didn't really give a shit about theory, or doing any work which wasn't practical. the bell sounded and i grabbed my bag and flew out the double doors.
break had finally rolled around and i was fucking ecstatic for my cigs. i walked all the way to the empty sports hall and slid round the blind side of it, to make sure i was out of sight. i leant against the wall, covered my clipper with my hand, and lit my cig.
the pain was all gone again. i unlocked my phone and dropped m a little thank you text before i locked it again and lost myself in the smoke. i was just about to pull out another when i heard swift footsteps approaching.
god save me, my mornings about to be fucking ruined.