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Song recommendations: Paralyzed- NF
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They sat together in Namjoon's little garage.
Jin and Namjoon had perched together on the little sofa, Hoseok with a little space to their left. Jungkook was displayed on the iPad, face timing them since he wasn't allowed to go out.
Just seeing the other boy made the memory of last night shoot into his head, causing him blush and grin like a fool.
There were no words to describe how Jungkook made him feel.
It had never been like that with anyone- this sense of falling and loss of control when he was with him. Or the fact how much he enjoyed Jungkook taking control.
He shook his head, trying not to think of it, or else he feared what might happen down in his pants. He looked around again. They were all here.
All his friends....
...Taehyung included.
He had insisted on meeting his friends, especially since Jimin had told him about the mysterious Suga. He hadn't told him about all of their secrets though, for one because it wasn't his place to tell, and the other, because he didn't want to ruin Tae's innocent impression of the world.
And the Hyungs couldn't have agreed more.
It didn't take more than five minutes before Tae had wrapped them around his finger.
He could already see their easy smiles and growing adoration for the blond.
Taehyung brought a joy with him no one could ever put into words.
His boxy smile and carefree nature wrapped around them like blanket and offered a nice escape from their struggles and worries.
He was like a new, fresh breeze, lightning up the mood and brightening their day.
Even now he saw all his Hyungs smile down at him with shimmering eyes.
Without a word spoken, they had decided to include him into their middle, willing to protect his innocence to the last.
Jimin couldn't be happier about it. Or more relieved they felt the same.
"So, you are saying he's been watching you all this time, but none of you have ever heard him or seen him before?"
They all nodded at Taehyung's observation. They had met for this exact reason. To finally find out who Suga really was. But even after three hours of brainstorming and research, they had come up with nothing.
Nada.
Niente.
Nichts.
"And we can't even call him anymore. No matter how many times I've tried, he wont pick up."
Taehyung immediately reached out to pat Hoseok's leg, comforting the sad boy.
Yes. Hoseok had finally decided to call him, but Suga wasn't answering anymore.
Nor Jungkook's calls either.
"Maybe this was his plan all along? To get us to..." Namjoon glanced at Tae and then only added: "Meet and become closer again? He certainly managed that."
To make them reveal the secrets that were eating them up- that's what Namjoon was trying to say but couldn't with Taehyung present. And he was right. They had.
"So," Jungkook murmured, laying on his bed in his room with his head resting on his arms.
"How can we get him to reveal himself?"
A long silence followed. Then Jin murmured: "Maybe we shouldn't. I mean, clearly he doesn't want to be revealed. And he helped us so much... shouldn't we respect his wishes?"
They all looked down. Jin was probably right and yet....
Hoseok sighed deeply.
"I just want to thank him. Personally. And to apologize for being so mean last time we spoke. I was hurt and felt betrayed and I didn't see how much he only wanted to help. I feel terrible about it now."
"Ohh, Hoseok-Hyung. Don't beat yourself up about it," sweet Taehyung told him, looking up at him with those big, child-like eyes that could comfort everyone.
"I'm sure that if Suga is still watching, he knows that."
"But we don't know that for sure."
Jimin caught sight of Jungkook as his head perched up, his brows narrowing in concentration.
"What? What are you thinking off, Jungkook-ie?"
They all turned to the iPad at Jimin's question.
Jungkook took a long breath, shook his head but then turned his attention to them again.
"It's just what Tae said... that Suga might still be watching us. What if we do something that will draw him out?"
Namjoon snorted. "Like what? Fake a fight? He's never interfered with that before. You and Jimin had been at it since the get go and Suga never showed up."
"Maybe something more drastic?" Jin suggested and at that, Hoseok's face lit up.
"Yeah. Like fainting or something. Can't be so hard, right Jimin-ah?"
"Ha Ha, very funny, but I didn't fake it and it wasn't fun."
"Are you sure, guys?" Tae said from his place on the floor, his lips drawn into a pout.
"It seems a little mean, don't you think? What if he gets really worried?"
"That's the point!" Jimin let out, speaking his mind freely. "Maybe he'll finally be brave enough to reveal himself."
"But bab-"Tae glanced to the left where he met Jungkook's narrowed eyes through the screen, then turned red and gulped hard.
"Sorry. I mean Jimin. What if Suga doesn't want to be revealed? We should leave the decision up to him."
"No."
All their heads snapped to Hoseok, who looked deep in thoughts. When he became aware of the attention on him, he blushed a little, then leaned back and let out:
"I wont tell you everything he told me and entrusted me with, but I'm sure about one thing. Suga might think he wants to be alone- that he's better of that way, but I know he's lonely."
He sighed and lowered his head, his shoulders dropping with sadness- but not for himself.
"He barely every laughed when we started talking. And his voice was always rough, like he didn't use it much at all. His stories were always heartwarming and full of hope, but I heard the despair when he told them- almost like he longed for someone to care and look after him. I don't know why he's so reluctant to show himself. Maybe he really is shy. But he's also lonely. And I think the least we can do for him is show him that he no longer has to be."
Even Tae started nodding. "Well, maybe then it's all right... No one should feel lonely. And we can all be friends together!"
He beamed up at them and immediately, all their worries fell away. Taehyung just had that effect on people.
"Okay!" Hoseok yelled excitedly, jumping up from the sofa,
"I'll do it then. And you all have to play along, all right?"
They all agreed, hatching their plan.
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Yoongi dragged his way to school.
He didn't know why he even bothered anymore. He glanced down at his phone for the millionth time today. Hoseok had been calling all week and another anonymous number as well. He guessed it was one of the boys, trying their luck.
But Yoongi had let them ring, his heart aching every time and then even more so as the silence fell in his tiny apartment. Always this silence since he no longer got to talk to Hoseok.
They didn't need him anymore.
It was better this way.
He did it.
He made them open up to each other and now everything would fall into place.
Without him.
And yet why was he hurting when he saw no missed calls? No texts either.
And worst of all, he had to see them today, happy, smiling again.
It's what he wanted, but it still pained him nonetheless.
He walked through the halls, unseen as usual.
People rushed past him, bumping into him without apologizing.
He heard his laugh before he saw him.
"Yah! Jungkook-ah. Stop being such a wuss. Everything will be fine. "
That voice.
He lowered his head as he passed them- all of them gathered around the youngest's locker.
They didn't see him.
They didn't turn and no one called out his name.
But his sunshine's laugh followed him all the way to the classroom.
Of course he was- they were in the same class after all.
So close yet worlds apart.
Quietly he took his place in the far right corner, opposite to the corner of where Jimin sat.
Despite him and Jungkook's evolving relationship, the two were cautious, only sneaking away during breaks and keeping up the pretense of not liking each other in front of everyone but their Hyung's.
He listened to their conversation as he usually did, keeping his head lowered and glancing up from under his eyelashes.
"Taehyung wants to go to the lake this afternoon, you in?" Jin announced, and all of the friends turned around.
"I'm in Hyung!" Jimin called from the back, not caring about who heard.
It was no longer a mask he was wearing.
He simply cared about his Hyungs and Jungkook more than he did others.
"Me too!" Hoseok yelled and the simple joy in his eyes made his heart flutter and his cheeks heat.
He had to forget him.
He had to keep on doing what he promised himself on that graveyard: Live for others.
It was the only reason he still walked this earth, even if he was just a ghost.
He'd accepted it. This was and always would be his life.
"Let's meet after school then," Namjoon agreed, then turned to Jungkook. "Do you think you can make it?"
The younger sighed deeply, but then nodded. "I'll think of an excuse for my parents. I can't promise it, but I'll try."
No one of the other classmates saw the big, wide grin forming on Jimin's lips at hearing that.
The teacher entered and everyone fell silent.
Then Mr.Chow went over the attendance list.
Everyone shouted a loud yes, but when his name fell he only, as usual, lifted his hand.
The teacher didn't even look his direction as he marked his name with a check.
He didn't even listen to the class, dwindling in his own thoughts and too many times he caught himself staring at the brown-haired boy.
In took forever for the bell to ring.
Mr. Chow seemed even more relieved than the pupils, running out the classroom first.
Some students hurried out after him, some stayed to chat.
He rose slowly, looking after the Hyung's and the two lovebirds leaving the room.
He trailed after them into the hall, keeping his space as he always did.
His confusion set in when he saw Jungkook and Jimin staying with them.
They were usually long gone by now, hiding in the auditorium.
He had only followed them once, and when he found out what they were doing there, quickly left and decided there was fine line between keeping an eye on them and stalking them- or becoming a pervert...
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hoseok stumble.
Maybe he tripped?
They reached the lunch hall, the five of them keeping close together as they lined up at the buffet.
They were chatting, Yoongi a couple of people behind them, just out of reach to hear what they were saying.
There was nothing out of the ordinary...
...until Hoseok stumbled again.
This time there was no chance he tripped, having stood still in one place.
A hand flew to his head, his forehead squeezing together like he was in pain.
Fear gripped him.
Was it the medication?
More than once Hoseok complained about getting headaches and dizzy spells from them, so his doctor had prescribed him different ones. But he often had to change them again because the effects wore off after time or his needs changed with his disorder.
He took another step back, lowering his head.
By now the other's had noticed, coming around him in a half circle, their voices growing in worry and now loud enough for him to catch what they were saying.
"Hey, are you okay?"
"Do you need to sit down? You look pale."
"Maybe you should-"
Namjoon never finished his sentence when Yoongi watched in utter horror as Hoseok's feet gave out and he sank to the floor.
His own feet were moving before he knew what he was doing, pushing past the people in front and hurrying to the fallen boy. Hoseok. His sunshine. His hope.
He saw his closed eyes, his body lying on the floor, so still. Oh God. He was so still. What was wrong? What happened? His sunshine.
"Hoseok!" He called out, his voice rough from misuse, not having spoken in days as he dropped next to the unconscious boy, tears filling his eyes.
No. It couldn't be. He had to be fine.
He finally made it.
He finally got them together and saw him happy again.
"Hoseok! J-Hope! Wake up. Please."
I didn't see anything but the blurry vision of his sunshine on the floor. No. NO!
For the first time in his life, he touched him.
His hands were shaking violently as he stroked his cheek.
He would give anything for him.
He would swear to live alone and unseen for the rest of his life if only his sunshine was okay.
He had to be.
"Please. Please wake up."
And then his eyes flew open, staring up at him, his brown eyes meeting his black one's.
His world stopped.
Hoseok was looking at him.
Seeing him.
Noticing him, his hands still on the other boy's cheek.
A sob escaped him.
"Are you Okay? Talk to me! Are you in pain? What's wrong?"
Hoseok only stared up, his eyes wide and his mouth open.
Was he still in pain?
Why was his expression like that?
Then a single word left his lips, the sound traveling down his spine, shaking him to the core.
"Yoongi?"
He froze, his body turning rigid as he realized what was going on.
He pulled back his hand so fast, his ass landed on the floor, his hands catching his weight on instinct as he gaped at Hoseok.
He knew. Oh God. Hoseok knew now.
And he was looking right at him.
And so was everyone else.
The Hyung's and Jimin were gaping down at him, their jaws hanging wide open.
And Jungkook- Jungkook who he had talked down from jumping that day- the one he had been closest to, was equally surprised and flabbergasted.
They knew.
They all knew.
More eyes fell on him, people in the entire cafeteria turning their heads to see what the fuss was about.
So many eyes.
Seeing him.
He'd gotten so used to being invisible.
So comfortable with the quiet and air of stillness surrounding him.
His heart was racing, his breath coming faster and faster.
They were all looking.
Their eyes bored into him, his thoughts tumbling over one another.
Too much.
Too many eyes.
Too much attention.
He couldn't- He couldn't- He couldn't breath.
Why was no air filling his lungs when he was breathing so hard?
"Shit, I think he's having a panic attack." He heard someone say close to him.
He knew the voice- Namjoon? But he couldn't see, everything blurring together until he only saw eyes.
Eyes everywhere- watching him.
He felt himself being lifted, but didn't know who.
His vision was dimming. Too many eyes.
Too little breath. Was he finally dying?
Someone was cursing as his world bounced up and down.
Was he hallucinating? Or was he carried?
"Yoongi. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know this would happen. I'm so, so sorry."
His sunshine. He would recognize that voice anywhere.
But it sounded so far away.
He wanted it to be closer, but he had no control over his muscles- over anything.
Too many eyes.
Minutes or hours passed, he couldn't tell.
"Here, breath into this."
Something was pushed against his mouth.
He tried to fight it, but wasn't strong enough.
Too many eyes.
They swarmed together, accusation in them, hateful eyes watching him.
Seeing him.
"Breath. Slowly. In and out. It's going to be Okay, Yoongi."
His name. Someone was calling his name.
No one did.
He was no one.
He was a ghost who didn't really exist.
Why was someone calling his name?
"Please forgive me, Suga. I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm so sorry," his sunshine cried.
He was crying.
He had to help him.
That thought gave him focus.
Breath in.
Hoseok.
Breath out.
Sunshine.
The world turned slower again, his vision finally returning to normal. The room they were in was quiet and dim, the windows covered with curtains.
The art-room?
Canvases, brushes and other painting tools lay around, the floor covered with a kind of plastic to protect it from paint. He was on the floor too, leaning against a cold wall and breathing into a bag which Namjoon was pressing to his lips.
Namjoon.
He looked up.
They were all here.
Jin, Jimin, Jungkook, Namjoon and- his eyes met Hoseok's, tears streaming down his face as the boy knelt in front of him, hands hanging helplessly at his side, not sure what to do.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean- I didn't know this would happen."
He wanted to reach out- to stroke away the tears and comfort him, but the shock sat too deep.
They knew. They were all here, looking at him.
He'd watched for so long, but to have them look back...
He knocked away Namjoon's hand which was still pressing the bag to his mouth and scrambled back, the fear of being seen so unexpected and scary.
He never knew that when eyes landed directly on you, it felt like they could see everything. You're deepest secret. You're worst nightmare. Your greatest shame.
He buried his hands in his black hair, trying to get the thoughts out.
"Don't look at me. I'm no one."
He pulled up his knees to his chest, cowering in the corner, trying to make himself invisible again.
"I'm no one. I don't exist. No one sees me. I'm invisible."
His hands went from his hair to his head, shutting out the light- the world, everything.
He rocked back and forth as it all overwhelmed him, the sensations crashing in on him.
He heard ruffling, whispering and then silence fell.
He let out a relieved breath.
Silence. Nothingness. He was nothing again.
A hand gently touched his shoulders and he jerked up.
Hoseok looked back at him, his eyes wide and afraid, his lower lip trembling.
Looking around the room, he saw they were alone. It was just the two of them.
He relaxed a little, but the pressure of even one pair of eyes on him was crushing, especially when they meant so much to him.
"Yoongi, I'm sorry. I faked it. I thought this way I would find out who you are. I feel so terrible now. Please believe me. I would have never done it if I knew this would happen. I'm so sorry. I'm the worst human being ever. Please forgive me."
The weight of the eyes on him was terribly uncomfortable, but Hoseok's crying and begging-
He reached out before he even knew what he was doing.
He couldn't remember ever feeling anyone's embrace or even warmth.
He'd grown up in an orphanage were all they did was preach fake morals and serve him bland food to keep his belly fed. He moved out when he was fifteen, working after and before school, just to be able to eat twice a day and sleep under a roof.
But it had never been warm.
He had never felt so safe as Hoseok's arm care around him, holding him close enough for him to hear the other's fluttering heartbeat.
Hands were stroking his head, brushing through his hair and he couldn't help the little sigh slip over his mouth.
It felt so ... comforting.
"Shh, it's gonna be Okay. I promise I'll make it Okay again. I'm so sorry."
He let the words give him courage, give him hope to speak.
To finally, after all these years, speak to him face to face.
"You... you're not mad anymore?" He heard himself ask, his voice so frail and unsure, he didn't know if Hoseok understood.
"No. And I'm sorry I got so angry. I know you only waned to help. Our little guardian angle. My Suga, who was always there for me when I needed him."
Slowly, fear clutching his heart again, he drew away but kept his eyes closed.
He could feel Hoseok's breath close to his and knew they were face to face.
Hands gently caressed his cheek, wiping away the rest of the tears.
"You can look at me, Yoongi. It's just me. Nothing is going to happen. It's my turn to help now. Open your eyes."
And like a sailor drawn to the singing of a siren, he obeyed, slowly lifting his eyes.
Then let out a long breath as he met his.
And then lost himself in their color- in their beauty of what was not only on the outside, but the inside too.
Hoseok was so damn beautiful.
All of him, inside and out.
"There you are," the other boy breathed and a smile formed on his face.
His sunshine, smiling again.
And it changed something in him.
Because for the first time, that smile was for him. Only him.
He couldn't go back. He could never go back now, knowing what if was like.
The brunet leaned forward, making their foreheads touch as they still gazed into each other's eyes.
Hoseok's smile grew and grew until he was beaming, his world being lit up by sunshine.
"Now I see you," the boy whispered, and the hope that grew in Yoongi's heart could not be stopped.
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Keep loving, be kind and find your own way.
사랑해!!
-your Talia