Faye Calinao
"This... is something we should talk about," Lei spoke softly after coming to the current room I slept in. Once arriving in Paris, Lei made sure to call a taxi to bring us to our rented apartment for the week. Lei allowed me to settle in first. I sat on the bed looking over my music piece waiting for when Lei and I would meet Jing for dinner.
Before boarding our flight, I received a call from Daoming Si from Ximen's phone. Thinking it was my best friend, I did not hesitate to answer. I shook my head slightly thinking back to what he said. I let out a shaky sigh and Lei took a seat beside me showing concern.
"Faye..."
"What if Ximen chooses Doaming Si over me?" I spoke lightly. The heartache thought of Daoming Si turning him against me has always been something I've feared the most. My self conscious was beginning to nag at the back of my mind of what was starting to happen towards the middle of our freshman year.
Wiping my tears away, I shakily reached for the knob towards the outside where I knew Ximen would be waiting for me. I hurriedly tried to make my way over to where Ximen, who usually lean against the wall by the gates. It was quite a distance away and I was on the other side of the school. It was our usual spot to meet when we were heading home together.
A hand grasped my wrist and pulled me back. I'm spun around to face an angry Doaming Si. I bit the side of my lip nervously, because I knew what this talk would be about. I noticed his other hand was balled into a fist as he heavily huffed out of breath since he was hunting me down after what I had done.
"You're always up to no good!" He shouted at me and I flinched backing against the wall of the building. We were in a part of the school where most of the students did not exit. It wasn't a main entrance. "You think you're brave telling Mei the type of person I am? You think I'm going to let you off the hook for this?"
"I-I had t-to b-be honest with her," I spoke quietly. I felt intimidated and small. I always felt this way around him. I couldn't keep quiet to Mei, because I couldn't lie to her. Mei, was a girl who was in the same class as Doaming Si. He has a crush on her and I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else getting hurt by Doaming Si.
"I barely tolerate you for Ximen's sake," he snapped at me. "You ruined my chances with Mei, because you couldn't keep your mouth shut!" I don't regret it, but that did not mean I feared for what was to come. "I can easily turn Ximen against you."
"Pl-please d-don't," my eyes watered once more from my tiredness of living in fear like this. I've had a difficult day like most days since we've entered senior high school. "Y-you s-see Ximen more th-than I do these days." Over the summer when Ximen came back with Doaming Si and his friends from a vacation trip, he seemed almost like a different person.
Ximen seemed like the person I knew, but at the same time he seemed... different. I noticed immediately and especially since summer break ended Ximen wasn't interested in doing our usual sleepovers or would frequently instead go to Daoming Si house to study there where I would never go. Ximen seemed more interested in hanging around Daoming Si more when he knew I wasn't comfortable around him.
When I did have the chance to be with just Ximen, I cherished those moments. Ximen would always ask about school or if anything new has happened since he last saw me. I never asked him why he decided to be around me less frequently, because I did not want to seem selfish in his eyes or cause a sour mood with the small time we had together. I always wanted to avoid bringing up problems.
"At least I did not tell him to forget about you. You're such an ungrateful girl. What would he think if I told him the lies you tell girls about me?"
"I-I won't d-do it again. I'm sorry." I bowed my head apologizing in fear. Tears were already flowing down my cheeks. His grip around my wrist tightened and I gasped slightly from the pain. "D-Doaming Si, you're hurting me."
"Tell Ximen you can't hangout with him today." I looked up and felt my heart tightening.
"B-but I haven't s-seen him in three weeks! He wanted to take me out today." I miss my best friend, I needed to be with him today. My tightening heart needed happiness and joy from the one person who can make me...content.
"It's a punishment for putting me in a bad mood," he snapped again.
"Doaming Si, please," I pleaded. "I want to be with Ximen today."
"Tell him you're busy today or I'll make sure he ends his friendship with you. Your worthless friendship with my best friend is an embarrassment." He let go of my wrist and took a step closer to me. Feeling frightened I nod. I could see his smirk through my tears as he backed away and began making his way down the stairs. A sob escaped my lips and my shaky hands reached for my jacket pocket for my phone.
Ximen, I'm not feeling too well today. I hope it's okay we reschedule our plans? Don't worry about me! I'll be alright and will let you know when I'm better :)
My sobs became painful for my chest. I placed my hand on my chest as I leaned against the school building and slid down against the wall. My body shook and my lips trembled as I squeezed my eyes shut. My breathing became uneven and soon after it became difficult to breathe. I frantically began looking for my inhaler in my bag.
I let out a gasp remembering the vivid memory and my eyes widened realizing I pulled myself out of my deep thoughts. I flinched feeling a soft touch grasping my hand and I blinked a few times to see Lei closer to me. His expression filled with concern and worry. My heart felt tightened like that day and noticed my eyes were burning slightly. I shut my eyes for a moment as the painful thoughts filled my head.
"Hey," Lei said softly. I opened my eyes feeling a bit embarrassed he has to continue to see this side of me. "Ximen won't abandon you. Don't listen to Ah Si's threats." I squeezed Lei's hand. "He did not have the right to talk to you that way. You should have let me talk to him."
"I did not want to make things worse Lei," I sighed feeling down whenever I had a conversation involving Daoming Si. My therapist knew this was how I felt every time I talked about this and it seemed Lei wanted to have this conversation with me now. Do I really want to have this conversation with him now?
"Does Ximen know?"
"What?" I was confused by what he was asking.
"Is Ximen completely in the dark about Doaming Si giving you a hard time and your... depression?" He hesitantly contemplated on whether to bring up two most personal things that wasn't lightly a spoken topic. Lei seemed to notice my body tense and he let out a nervous sigh wondering if this was the greatest idea to bring these two topics up at the same time. Lei seemed to have a better understanding of my mind compared to Ximen. Lei was a lot more observant.
"He doesn't know." I felt the lump in my throat and gulped. It's a bit disappointing that Lei noticed more about my struggles than Ximen, who I have known since we were younger. Lei seemed to understand I was going through a lot without telling him directly. "Y-You're the first to notice my habits..." I was referring to my depression. Ximen was clueless in this area.
"Are you okay?" Lei spoke gently and my eyes watered immediately. I sniffled and I shook my head. I took my free hand and tried to wipe my face feeling flustered. Lei gave me a reassuring squeeze before intertwining our hands. It did not help that I felt embarrassed and I felt many of my emotions clashing together. Lei's hand holding mine brought some comfort, but I needed a few minutes before I could speak.
"Ximen was the very first person who accepted me and took me in as his best friend when we were five. He has grown to be soft hearted around me, because I was always sensitive and quiet. Geng and I never got along. She was against having me around, because Ximen had always given me a lot of attention and affection. Geng had a crush towards Ximen and she thought he had liked me. She wanted to give me a hard time and Ximen fought with her for giving me a hard time. It was when Ximen wanted to introduce me to you guys..." I was referring to him, Doaming Si, and Meizuo. "He thought he'd introduce Daoming Si to me first and I was nervous, but excited to meet another close friend of Ximen's."
"You were five then, correct?" I hummed before continuing on.
"Doaming Si seemed nice the first time I met him. I remember going to Doaming Si's house for dinner. Ximen seemed really happy to have me there with him while we hung out with Doaming Si. I'm not really sure what happened the next day, but I slowly approached Doaming Si, because Ximen wasn't at school yet. I thought I could try to bond with him like I had Ximen. Doaming Si made it clear to me he did not want to be my friend. He dumped his yogurt on me and the people around him laughed at me. It just... it never became easy with him."
"He bullies you?"
"For as long as I can remember," I spoke painfully thinking of the awful events that had happened, because of him. "I always thought..." I sighed with defeat. "Ximen wouldn't hesitate to leave my side for Daoming Si. I knew they have been friends longer and I felt it wasn't right for me to cause trouble or any problems. I wanted to continue to be friends with Ximen, because he was all I had so I kept my mouth shut all of these years." I looked directly at Lei and it seemed he was frowning at himself as he was in thought. "He's the reason my stuttering worsened and why I faced depression." Lei looked up and I took my hand away from my hands telling him my secrets. It was easy to talk to Lei and say all of this out loud.
"Is he the reason you left Shanghai after our first year of senior high school?" He asked after a few minutes.
"Yes."
...
"It really is great to see you now Faye," Jing was saying as we start on our dessert for the night. Lei, Jing, and I sat at a table with a gorgeous window view of the city of Paris. The restaurant we met Jing wasn't too far from the apartment. The three of us enjoyed the beautiful evening having dinner and chatting around the table. The wine eased my mind from my conversation with Lei and what happened after.
"I'm glad to see you again," I smiled at the wonderful Teng Tang Jing. Her hair was now cut to the length of her shoulders. "I'm excited to hear you're studying law here. Congratulations!" Jing smiled and bowed her head slightly.
"Thank you. Enough about me for tonight," Jing laughed lightly before taking a sip of her drink. "Lets talk about you. I recently learned from locals here that you were deciding to attend Conservatoire de Paris to study abroad for your senior year. What changed your mind to study at Mingde?"
"I always told myself I wanted to come back to my home country to study at some point in my undergraduate. When my school knew of my interest in wanting to go back home for a year and Lei being the second person to be accepted into the masters program with me, the school asked if I could do an independent study performance with Lei. I also wanted to see Ximen again," I smiled faintly and looked down slightly attempting to hide my worry for when Lei and I get back to Shanghai.
"Ximen is very lucky to have a best friend like you. I wish we could have met when we were younger. I wish I could have gotten to know you more." I cut a piece of my cake and took a bite. I looked towards Lei and he seemed to be staring off in his own world. I felt my cheeks heating slightly before looking back at Jing. I nod agreeing with Jing trying to focus on our conversation. Jing seemed to notice Lei wasn't paying much attention to the conversation. "Lei?" Her gentle voice seemed to catch his attention and he looked towards her.
"S-sorry," He apologizes. "I'm going to use the restroom for a moment." Lei stood and apologized once more before leaving for the restroom. I turned my body to stare at his figure walking away from us before turning to Jing who had a small genuine smile.
"He's feeling a bit flustered around you. I assume you and Lei have made up since Sanya?"
"It's complicated," I spoke shyly now, because Jing is Lei's first love. I'm not completely sure how she seemed calm?
"And with Meizuo? How... are you two doing?"
"I... well that's also complicated. I think it's best if we stayed friends. I hope he is okay with that. Under the circumstances I was in Sanya and my friendship with Ximen, I take fault for agreeing to Meizuo's... request of dating him. I really shouldn't have," I spoke more to myself and felt guilty. I needed to speak to Meizuo. He did not seem thrilled back at the tea shop and I'm sure with me now in Paris would make him angry for going off with Lei. I should do a face call with him soon. "I really... like Lei." My mind felt like speaking out loud.
"Lei really likes you Faye," Jing spoke calmly.
"But Lei loves you." Her eyes widened slightly and she calmly reached for my hand.
"I had to let him go." Her smile was sad and I saw her eyes glossing slightly. "I want to live my dreams here in Paris. I had to be honest with him, yes, he is my best friend, and I love him, but seeing Lei look at you the first day we met after your class, I knew Lei was into you."
"B-but he sai-" Jing shakes her head, making me stop mid sentence.
"Lei has a different way of expressing his feelings and with you he was trying to push his feelings away. I was the only female friend that was a part of his life and we have history, but I can't have a future with him when I am here and he will be going to the States. Lei knows I have different viewpoints when it comes to a relationship. I don't want Lei to give up his dreams to be here with me. He will always have a special place in my heart, but I want him to be happy as well." I sighed, because Lei continued to confuse me. If I did not have my panic attack at the mall and asked Shancai to contact Lei, I probably would be in my room hugging my pillow on a friday night wondering if Ximen will talk to me or continue to feel embarrassed for my mistakes.
My other hand reached for our hands and she smiled at me. She placed her other hand on top and gave me a reassuring smile.
"I'm rooting for you both!" Hearing Jing say this made me feel reassured now. I felt reassured she approved of me possibly having a relationship with Lei. I thought this entire time she would eventually be with Lei, with everything I have heard between them both. Jing looked past me and slowly leaned back to her chair and we let go of each other returning to our dessert. I noticed Lei approaching his seat and he looked between Jing and I before breaking into a smile.
"What are you two discussing?" Lei questioned.
"We're just trying to figure out if you and Faye have anything special planned? Any special plans Lei?" Lei looked towards me.
"I was thinking Faye and I once we arrive back at the apartment to cuddle and start a k-drama?" I felt myself coughing my chocolate cake and tried to recover as I looked towards him surprised by his response. His expression was calm and gave nothing away of how he thought I would react. My face felt really hot all of a sudden and I think Jing was enjoying our little talk. He wants to cuddle and watch a k-drama with me? After taking a sip of my wine, I try to answer.
"Y-you want to start a korean drama with me?" I asked confusingly. Ximen never cared much for tv except for my request on our 'date' with Meizuo. "Even then they picked an American Show. I did not mind One Tree Hill, but they refused to watch any K-dramas or C-dramas with me. Lei nodded and finished the rest of his glass. "Okay," I smiled feeling the bubbly feeling returning to me. Does he really want to do that? Once I've started on a k-drama, there is no turning back.
"You two are cute for each other," Jing smiled. "Promise me we'll meet up once more before you both leave."
"We'll make sure you're at the airport to see us off," I smiled towards her. "We should have a girls day!" Jing seemed interested and nods.
"Yes, if Lei will allow me to steal you for half a day?" She turned to Lei and he shrugged.
"I'll let you know after I show Faye around Paris." I wasn't sure where this playful and smiling Lei has been hiding. I liked this side of him and my mind did not mind he was being open minded with both Jing and I.
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*Currently dying over my development biology lab questions due tomorrow* I can't answer these rediculousy hard questions I've been struggling on for the past 3hrs 😭🥺 I hope everyone is doing well and hopefully less stressful than my crazy school life.
Next update: Wednesday