The flight from Phoenix to San Diego was quick. I hadn't flown much in my life, in fact this was only my third time ever flying. It was certainly a different experience with Sophia and Joey in premium economy rather than the cheap seats at the back of the plane. We had enjoyed the business lounge before the flight with massage chairs and an all you can eat buffet. It was a far cry from the over priced airport food court.
When I was 9 my dad took me to Miami for a weekend. He had an old college friend that lived there and took us to a Miami Heat vs LA Lakers game. It was one of the best weekends I ever had with Dad. Just the two of us enjoying the beach, basketball and each other. Mom was too sick, apparently, to join us. She hadn't acknowledged me for a week before or two weeks after we returned. Even at 9 years old, I understood she was jealous that I had taken dad away from her for a weekend. The guilt she made me feel, I now understand was emotional abuse.
The second time I flew anywhere, Helen and Craig took us on a small family vacation to Boston while Grace was doing college tours. We spent most of the time touring campuses or in the hotel room because it was cold and rainy. But it felt like we were a happy, normal family on vacation.
All of those flights were happy times in my life. Now though, I was a nervous wreck. I tried to distract myself by watching other people and families and trying to imagine what their story would be. Why were they here in the airport today? I bet none of them just had their derelict mother die and found out they had a half brother all in one day.
It was 4pm by the time we landed in San Diego, too late to go to the prison today. So instead Sophia hired a car and we head to our hotel. I called Ali that morning and she said she would meet us at the hotel lobby. Helen and Craig were also meeting us later for dinner. Although they no longer fostered children, they still had plenty of connections in San Diego that could help me.
We pulled up to the valet parking of our hotel. I wasn't even surprised to see she had picked one of the most luxurious 5 star resorts right on the beach. If you can afford it, then why not! Everything looked expensive, from the impeccably manicured garden beds by the front doors to the plush couches in the lobby and the perfectly polished counter at reception. Even the bell boys luggage trolleys were polished perfectly.
"Morgan!" I heard my name the moment we entered the foyer to check in.
"Ali! I didn't expect you to be here already," I exclaimed as my best friend enveloped me in a hug.
"Of course I'm here," she said pulling away and taking my face in her hands to inspect me. "Are you ok? And don't you dare tell me what you think I want to hear!"
"Honestly, I wish people would stop asking me that. I'm fine, or as fine as I can be in this situation! I'm dealing with it."
"You'll forgive me for not quite trusting you. I know you, you tell everyone you are ok because you think you need to fight every battle on your own. But you aren't on your own Morgan," she says hugging me again.
"I know I'm not alone," I mutter into her shoulder, feeling defeated.
Ali let me go and gave Joey a hug hello as well. I noticed them muttering to each other, just as everyone else had been around me since hearing the news. It was like they all thought I was made of glass and at any moment I could shatter.
I turned to pick up my handbag again to join Sophia while they discussed my well-being when I jumped at Ali's voice again.
"Morgan! You didn't mention that you had a panic attack!" She scolded.
I glared at Joey who looked only slightly apologetic, "Because it's not a big deal. It was just a little one and Joey helped me calm down. It was a natural reaction to the situation I think!" I defended myself.
"Ok kids, this is your room key, I have the room next to you," Sophia said handing Joey a little pack with two cards in it for our room.
"Kids? I don't think you can call us kids and then give us our own hotel room Mom," Joey retorts.
"You will always be my kid Jonathon," Sophia snips back at him and I stifle a laugh at the use of his full name.
"You coming up?" I asked Ali.
"Is it safe to enter a hotel room with you two?" She jokes while Sophia sighs loudly and Joey wiggles his eyebrows, encouraging her.
"Yes, Alianna," I gave her a deadpan look while hitting Joey up the back of his head.
Entering our hotel room, my jaw dropped. This place is amazing. Our room wasn't just a room. It was a suite. There was a sitting area with couch and tv, then a bedroom with ensuite. The ensuite had the most beautiful bathtub that looked out over the view of the beach. Off the sitting room was a balcony too, big enough to have two chairs and a small table in between for enjoying a beverage and view.
"Wow, being rich sure has it's perks!" Ali exclaimed as she followed us into the room. "Can I stay too? This is better than my whole house!"
"Too bad we won't even be able to enjoy it that much," I replied.
"How long do you think you will be here?" Ali asked, while checking out the mini bar.
"No idea. David organised for me to pick up my moms things at the prison tomorrow, then I believe we have a meeting with a social worker tomorrow afternoon. We go from there," I explained while looking out the large glass doors that led to the balcony.
"We will stay as long as we need to, to figure out what comes next," Joey confirmed as he stepped up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his chin on my shoulder. I nodded in agreement while staring to the ocean.
"I still can't believe you have a brother. This is wild," Ali sighs, collapsing onto the sofa.
"Are you actually surprised? Maybe it was naive of me to not expect something like this. She was absent from my life for three years, then suddenly turned up again. I just hate the fact that she not only screwed my childhood, she brought another baby into this world just to dump him. She never even tried to be a real mother."
"She was sick Morgan. Nothing you could do would ever change that. You tried, I watched you and it nearly broke you some days. But you're better off now."
"Better off she is dead. For everyone," I sigh, both Joey and Ali sending me looks of pity.
After settling in to our rooms, showering and changing, we met Sophia in the lobby before heading to the hotel restaurant. Helen and Craig were meant to be meeting us here for dinner.
"Booking for six under Cameron," Sophia said to the college age hostess.
"Right this way Mrs Cameron," she smiled and gestures for us to follow.
I spotted them immediately. They had hardly changed since I saw them last, Craig's hair a little more salt and pepper these days, but otherwise the same two friendly faces I said goodbye to a year ago.
As they saw us approaching they stood up from the table and I let go of Joey's hand, not caring I was in a fancy restaurant at this fancy hotel and ran into Helen's arms, her familiar scent instantly comforting me.
Helen held onto me like a mother should as I wept into her shoulder. Patting my hair down and gently cooing in my ear that everything would be ok. Eventually I let go of her and gave Craig an equally large hug.
"I've missed you two. I thought phone calls were enough, but now seeing you in front of me..." I trailed off, wiping my eyes.
"Oh darling girl, we know. I just wish we were catching up in better circumstances," Helen said.
"Can you really say you are surprised anymore? This is a classic move by her. Always leaving me to pick up the pieces of her shitty life!"
Helen gave me a pitying look that, one I was getting used to seeing by now, as Joey cleared his throat behind me, my cheeks instantly blushing as I remembered where I was and who I was with.
I smiled sheepishly at him. "Helen, Craig, this is my boyfriend Joey and his mom Sophia. Sophia and Joey, these are my foster parents. I'm sure you remember Ali too," I introduced.
"It's so lovely to meet you, Morgan has told us a lot about you and how important you were in her teenage years," Sophia greeted as elegantly as always.
"Likewise," Helen said. "We are thrilled to especially meet the boy who has captured our girls heart. She was always so determined that she would be doing everything on her own and she didn't need anyone in her life!"
"Trust me, I know," Joey laughed. "It took some convincing."
"I'm right here you know! Can we sit down, people are starting to stare."
Dinner was surprisingly comfortable. Helen and Sophia got along as though they had known each other forever. When they started discussing the foster care system though I tuned out of the conversation, not quite ready to face the reality that I could be meeting my brother. Ali, Joey and Craig were deep in conversation about their studies and what they planned for their futures.
"Hey, you alright there? You've totally zoned out," Joey asks me softly, placing a kiss on my temple and wrapping his arm around my waist.
I smile at him, "Yeah. Just thinking," I reassured. "Actually, I'm just going to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"Ok babe," he says, pecking me on the lips and giving my waist a small squeeze, but looking in his eyes I see the torment, he wants to be here for me but he doesn't know how. He doesn't know what I need, how can he when I don't know just what I need either.
As I exit the bathroom stall I'm not even surprised to see Helen standing and waiting for me. I had heard the door open and expected her, it's just how she is.
"That boy of yours very clearly loves you. You've done well, plus he is easy on the eye,"
She says, as I watch her in the mirror while I wash my hands.
I know what she is doing. She is starting out with the easy topics, the one she knows makes me happiest, easing me into what she really wants to talk about. I'll play.
"He is amazing," I agree. "And I love him too. I think dad would have loved him."
"Good. You deserve it Morgan. Now talk to me, just us."
"Here?" I gesture around me, "In the bathroom?"
"We're alone so why not." She says, gesturing to the small chaise lounge that is in the bathroom. Because of course a 5 star hotel restaurant bathroom has a sitting area.
"Ok, just tell me, do you really want to find your brother? Once you do, there's no going back. Unless he has been adopted and is with a happy family, we both know that you won't leave him behind. You need to decide before you meet him if that's something you want. You know the damage it could cause him knowing he has a family member, a sister, but she doesn't want him either."
"I... I don't know. I know what's right, I know what I should do. But I don't know if I'm strong enough."
"You are strong enough to take on anything, but there is no right or wrong Morgan, there isn't anything that you should be doing or not doing. I think need to decide if you want to be selfish for possibly the first time in your life, and Morgan. Sometimes it's ok to be selfish, to do what is best for you, especially when you've worked so hard. You didn't ask for this."
"I don't know if I can take on parental responsibilities Helen. It's not fair to Joey and I know I can't afford it both financially and the impact on my education. What if he left me? He didn't sign up for a child. But, I'm the only family Beau has. I'm not sure I can live with that knowledge, that I could give him a family, but I chose not to. What good is being selfish if I'll always feel guilty? I don't think I can live with that guilt. Actually, I know I can't. I would always be wondering if he is ok, if I could make his life better and I think that would tear me apart," I tried explaining the inner turmoil that I have been feeling. The game of tug of war that I've been playing in my head for the last 24hours.
"I think you just answered your own questions. We will see what tomorrow brings, we still don't even know where he is," she said as she stood again and held out her hand. "Come on, dessert will be served shortly."