Some people go through life feeling nothing, while most people go through life feeling something. I go through life feeling everything.
Tilting her head to the side, Ava wonders if perhaps she should have used more shades of blue. Although it is a mural saluting the variety of military, the vast about of red in the background gives it the feeling of honoring war and death. She had been trying to give it a calming effect to those who look at it, but now she fears that it will make them angry or prideful. She does not like war, but she honors those who chose to fight, regardless. After all, her brother is a soldier, and with it comes the pride of knowing he chose to follow his dreams. However, she also knows the horrors of reality as she has had to help her brother with terrors that plague him every minute of the day. When Dylan was sent home, he was angry at the world for losing not only a part of his left arm but also his dream. He lived with Ava while he recovered, and even though it has been three years since he moved out, she can still hear him screaming from night-terrors. He is not the only one she has helped, and even though everyone experiences PTSS and depression differently, somehow, their screams are always the same. Everyone always wonders why she has headphones on. Music is the only thing that drowns out those screams, just as painting is the only thing that keeps her mind clear of the horrors of seeing people suffer.
"Forget about it!" Jessica yells into her ear and thumps her padded headphone back against her ear. Ava fights a loud curse, knowing she is in a crowded room, and just stares at her best friends in horror.
"It is too late to change anything now." Hazel shrugs with a deadpan glance at Ava. "It is done, get over it." She chugs the last of whatever is in her drink.
"Don't you think it is too...war?" Ava questions, while shaking her head and studying the mural again. The town hall holds several exhibitions in a year, but this is the first time a permanent entry will be left. The mural, honoring no specific residents of the town, will be a reminder of the sacrifices people made. With the main exhibit hall housing photos and artistry from local and state military, Ava's recent masterpiece runs the length of the hallway leading to the exhibit.
"Is it just me..." Hazel starts with an odd, studying sort of expression at her mural. "Or does that portrait look strikingly similar to your brother? You know the mayor didn't want anyone specifically painted, as to not cause an argument of who should be in the painting." Hazel's dark eyes slide to Ava with a smirk.
Ava takes a drink from her bottle of water and then shrugs while putting the cap back on. "Now, Hazel. I am not one to go against authority." Ava remarks in sarcasm with a fake pride holding her chin up. "This figure here has blonde hair and blue eyes, and we all know my brother has brown hair and brown eyes."
"Still..." Jessica stares at the same figure as well. There were many people painted into the mural, and not just from the branches of the military, but also police, doctors, and even a teacher. Ava tries hard not to smile at her friends. She knows exactly what she did, but she will defend it to the grave to avoid getting into trouble for it.
"How is wedding planning going?" Ava averts the subject and turns away from the mural. There is only so long she can stare at it before she finds more mistakes. She pulls off her headphones, and stuffs them into her shoulder bag, knowing that for the moment, she might be able to bear not wearing them.
Hazel makes a frustrated sound with her head tilted back. If she had not finished her drink a moment ago, she would have now. "Why does your brother does not have any opinions about the wedding?" Hazel questions with a glare at Ava, as though she convinced her brother to be quiet.
"You know Dylan..." Ava tries, but she also knows that they do not know her brother as she does. It is still strange to Ava that her childhood friend is marrying her brother, but she knows that people cannot help who they love. She is only glad that Dylan has someone else to calm his nightmares. There was only so long Ava could sit beside his bed and hear him scream. He moved out when they became aware that her usual calmness was wearing off. Now he has Hazel. "He is quiet and simple. The wedding is a week away. All he cares about is that you are the person standing beside him at the altar."
Hazel lets out a deep sigh, knowing Ava speaks the truth. "Is your brother still planning to be the best man?" She turns to Jessica with a narrow gaze. "I suppose Dylan knows, but I have heard nothing confirmed."
"I think so." Jessica quips with her ever-present sweet smile. "He got in last night, but I haven't seen him since he walked in my front door." Ava has never met Max, but she has heard about him from Jessica and knows the siblings have not seen each other in a few years.
Their conversation falls away as the crowded hallway starts to fill her ears. If her two friends were not here, she would have her headphones on and be able to block the noise out. All three had been waiting in the entryway for Ryan, Jessica's husband, to arrive. Ava is itching for baby snuggles from her two-month-old godson. Ava closes her eyes while hiding her face a bit with her hair, trying to block out the noise. She did not know which was worse, the noise or the crowd. They are either talking in groups or looking at her mural, and she would rather not hear their remarks.
"There is my baby!" Jessica's voice is a high-pitched coo, causing Ava to flinch. Ryan has walked through the doors, carrying baby Aiden with the diaper bag slung over his shoulder.
"Me first!" Hazel claps and makes a move to her brother.
Ava catches Hazel's arm with a grin. "But I am the god-mother."
"I am the aunt." Hazel returns with a mock glare. Anytime the two of them were around Aiden, this is the fake argument that always ensued.
"And I am the mother!" Jessica parts them like the Red Sea and gently grabs baby Aiden from her husband, who looks relieved to be off duty. Well, neither one of them is going to steal the baby now that Jessica has him.
"Brother." Hazel moves to stand beside Ryan with a forced serious expression.
Ryan Sawyer does the same while standing a whole head taller than her. "Sister." They are all going to be related now in some way. Jessica married Ryan, whose sister, Hazel, is marrying Ava's brother Dylan. They did not bother with titles anymore. It is just confusing.
"Sister." Ava practically jumps from her skin at hearing her brother's voice so close behind her. She turns to face him with a glare, but he looks quite pleased with himself. He is putting on a show in public, Ava realizes.
"Why must you always do that?" Ava questions with vile as she motions to strangle him.
Dylan shrugs, and moves to Hazel's side, and takes her hand with his good arm. "The parents are looking for us." He announces. They do not bother with saying whose parents. It is just The Parents now. "Jessica you are wanted at the podium, to start your speech." Jessica frowns and reluctantly hands over baby Aiden to Hazel. Jessica places her arm around Ryan's and leads their group into the Exhibit Hall.
Ava casts a glare at Hazel who is smirking at her. "I was wide open." She mocks with a shake of her head. The group moves to stand towards the front of the crowd, close to the parents. Ava's only joy is watching Hazel then try to fend off the greedy hands of the grandmothers.
"Good evening, everyone!" Jessica announces over a mic, and Ava's ears ring. She feels the slow steady rise of anxiety bubbling in her, threatening to pull her under if she does not get a hold of it. Putting on her headphones now would be rude, even though Jessica would understand. "On behalf of our mayor, I would like to thank you all for coming tonight to honor our military this Veteran's Day. The silent auction will be closing at midnight, and I would like to remind everyone that the proceeds to go help our local community members who are retired or currently serving. The donations for tonight will go to families who have lost their loved ones this year, and I think we all feel the weight of those losses. I hope you all enjoy yourselves this evening. Now, it is my pleasure to introduce our guest speaking, my father, General John Huxley." Applause erupts through the room and Ava has to force herself not to cringe.
Everyone in the town knows the General, and no one calls him John except his wife, Grace. There are many service members in attendance in uniform, but none hold quite the air of the General. He has always been like that, for as long as Ava can remember. As the General takes the podium and hugs Jessica, Hazel starts to panic at Aiden's sudden crying. It is partly masked by the applause, but Hazel, the least experienced with crying babies out of the three women, happily hands the baby off to Ava. Motioning to Jessica that she has got him, Ava departs from the crowded Exhibit Hall as fast as she can. She is grateful for the excuse to get out of there. Finding an empty room that is being used for storage, Ava ducks inside while feeling the panic of a crying baby as well as her own. She finds a spot to sit in a folding chair and places Aiden in her lap just long enough to pull out her headphones and hit play on whatever song she hand paused it on. It takes a second, but she feels the wave of anxiety ebb away, like the receding of a wave on the beach. The music is not loud, but it is loud enough, and she only has her ears partially covered.
She has Aiden pulled up to her collarbone and places his blanket around him, running her fingers across his back while she rocks back in forth. When it does not seem to be working she stands up and paces while bouncing softly. That is when she notices she is not alone in the semi-dark room. Against the far wall, facing away from her is a man, hunched slightly with his forehead against the cold cinderblock wall. His fists are balled up beside his head and pushed to the wall as though he might have been hitting it before she walked in. It does not take her long to realize what he is doing. She has seen it before, and she has the patched holes in her guest bedroom to prove it.
Her heart gives a tug, and she lets out a shaky breath, knowing a hundred percent what she is going to do. Here I go again, her inner voice cries. If this man is like her brother, or even like Ryan, she knows he will not accept help outright. She does not want to anger him or make him feel embarrassed. The best thing she can do is not acknowledge his presence and focus just enough on the baby still screaming. Maybe what they each need is her soothing voice, like Dylan and Ryan liked. Deciding that is what she is going to do, she starts to talk and returns to pacing at the other end of the room. She keeps her voice soothing and quiet, but loud enough that he can hear if he wants to. Sometimes that is all it takes to keep a person tethered to reality. She knows how easy it is to slip into the pain and darkness, and she knows that anyone willing will grab ahold of that rope she is offering.
Ava does not have much she particularly wants to say, and it is not like either of them is going to reply. So, she simply talks to herself about her day. She talks about painting and her lack of sleep. She talks about the song playing through the headphones and the color choices of the mural she had been debating on earlier. She does not know how long she talks but eventually, Aiden stops crying and wiggling around. She also knows, due to a brief hidden glance towards the tortured soul that she has his attention as well. She sits back in the folding chair and places the blanket in her lap, and then Aiden on it. She is still awake, but barely, and while talking, runs a gentle hand over his head. She moves from the back of his head to his forehead and down the bridge of his nose and then moves back to his head, continuing a few times before Aiden's eyes close at the soothing feeling. She cannot help but marvel over such an adorable little thing. She had thought she might have a bushel of her babies by now, but she has not had the chance. Not that she has had chances, but none were willing to take that leap with her. Usually, they just used her and moved on, and eventually, she found herself feeling better alone than with anyone else.
Aiden is now fully asleep, and she has stopped talking, but rather than address the stranger, she keeps still. However, keeping still is dangerous, as is the quiet surrounding her, other than the half-on headphones, playing something quiet. The screams flood back into her mind, and she starts breathing heavily as she quickly flips through the songs on her phone until she finds a loud one. She drops her phone back into her bag and clamps her hands over each ear, forcing the noise to drown out what haunts her. It is always like this after it is quiet. It always hits her as she ran into a wall. She bends over slightly and tries to focus on keeping herself from trembling hard enough to wake Aiden. After a few minutes, she realizes she is not clenched so tight and drops her hands. She bundles up Aiden and picks him up as she stands. Without looking to the stranger, who must think her insane, she exits the room. Jessica will be looking for her son, and Ava needs to leave. There is only so long she can keep the screams away before she needs to fight them off alone. She briefly thinks she hears the stranger call after her, asking if she is alright. It must be her imagination, willing her to think someone can see her pain. She keeps walking. Ava always is there for everyone else, helping them conquer their emotions, pain, and personal or professional problems, but no one can know how much it takes from her. Sometimes, she wishes she were not born with such vast amounts of empathy, but then people like Dylan and Ryan would still be in the dark and she would be in the light. It took her a long time to realize that some people are in the light, most people are in the grey, and she is in the dark.