The silence made my ears ring and the tension in the air could've been cut with my fingernail. I was walking beside Tomura in complete silence, mapping out the In-Between and making turns till we'd make it back to base, the whole time I didn't dare speak unless spoken to.
I knew I fucked up and I fucked up bad, I showed mercy for that wannabe hero because of a damn question. And hell if it wasn't for that I could tell that Tomura was mad at me because of how hard he was scratching his neck and resisting the urge to dust me on the spot. I knew I should've shot him, kicked him, hurt him, do something that showed my commitment!
And what did I fucking do!? ... I-I... I let him go.
I let that boy go because he asked me one question that made me hesitate and now I'm in more trouble than that over grown toucan who tried to tell Tomura what to do. And trust me, it didn't end well for him.
The only sounds I could focus on were the footsteps, those from my platform boots and Tomura's red sneakers against the concrete. Other noises I could manage to latch onto and focus on to branch out my thoughts was the distant bustling of the city, cars going by at the alley exits I walked past, the wind that blew through the hallow gaps of the buildings and Tomura's raspy breaths.
Anything to zone out as I concentrated on mapping out my path through the labyrinths on my watch, but I couldn't help but flinch when Tomura's voice growled out through his masked mouth, he couldn't finish his sentence before apologizing for scaring me. He knew why he scared me, he knew why I flinched.
"Sorry, but, why the fuck did you let him go!?" he yelled at me, rightfully.
I took a minute to take a deep breath, stopping in place, closing my hologram map from my watch and making my chest rise and fall slowly, my outward breath coming out in a tremble. I didn't notice it at first, but, my hands were shaking.
My trembling body turned to face away from Tomura, I didn't want to look him in the eye, it was that same feeling from the training simulation incident. If I dared to look and acknowledge how pissed off he was, I knew I'd start to crumble and break down right then and there like a pathetic little bitch. I took off my mask so I could catch my breath and breathe properly. I needed to take a few more deep breaths to calm my shakes before I could even respond.
My voice was breaking like shattered glass when I whimpered out my response, "I-I... I didn't think he deserved it... Not yet, he needs to prove if he's worth the kill."
That's when I could look back at him, my arms scrunched up, holding my chest together like my pounding heart was gonna burst right out of it and my arms were the only thing keeping it from making a jailbreak out of my rib cage onto the concrete floor. The pounding of my heart would at least create a sound louder than the ringing silence. My shoulders were tense and spiked up, my entire body tightly bound together like a tightly wrapped ticking time bomb.
Little did I know, I was more like a ticking time bomb than I should've assumed.
He looked down at me, a disappointed look in the crimson empty abyss of his eye. I felt myself sink into the concrete in embarrassment when he turned away from me and kept walking towards base. I followed behind him close, not even using my directions as a guide anymore because I had to trust Tomura no matter what in order for him to not kill me or consider me as some kind of weak link.
It didn't take much longer before we got to the entrance of our abandoned tavern we called our headquarters, and the whole time I managed to hold my tongue, half of my ashamed expression hidden from my bulky gas mask.
Kurogiri was manning the counter behind the bar as usual, Toga sitting on a nearby bar stool, swinging her legs and laying over the counter staring at a fresh vial of blood she'd been caressing.
"So how'd the heist go master Tomura?" asked Kurogiri, peaking Toga's attention to the two of us coming back and I was tearing off my bomber jacket to pitch it at the wall out of frustration.
"As well as it could've gone-"
I wasn't having it, I needed to breathe the stress was peaking.
I put my bag on the bar counter for Kurogiri to bring to me later when I needed it. I didn't have the time or patience to wait and bring it to my room, I just needed to be alone as soon as possible. I sprinted to my room at the end of the hallway, hanging a quick left, swinging into my room with my left hand and slammed the door shut, being left alone in the darkness and my dim green LED lights letting me see the outlines of the appliances in my room.
The pure screech of frustration that left my mouth after I tore off my gas mask could've been heard through the walls, I was sure. I always let out my rage in a less contained way but not this time, this was all my fucking fault and I knew it. DAMMIT WHY DIDN'T I DO ANYTHING TO STOP HIM!? I COULD'VE AT LEAST SHOT HIM IN THE LEG OR SOMETHING!?
I punched and wall and grabbed my hair, wishing I could pull the memories of what happened today out of my head just like that. I swayed and stumbled through my room, ending by landing face-first into my bed and screaming into my pillow.
It would've been over there, I would've just crashed and fallen asleep there on the spot to help me forget, but I was rudely interrupted by somebody opening my door and letting themselves in, shutting the door after they had made their way in and stood over me beside my bed.
I peeked an eye at the doorway to try and spot the silhouette of my visitor, only to be met with a 5'9" shadow of a slumped over, ashy, blue haired bastard who tells me what to do.
Tomura took a moment to change before coming to my room, I could tell. He was wearing a skin tight black turtleneck, artist's gloves that covered his thumb, ring, and pinkie finger on each hand. None of his decorative severed family members were on his body, and he was looking down on me like he said something he knew would hurt and wanted to take it back.
Seeing him made the guilt set in even more, so I sat up and looked up at him, my back against the wall as I sat on my bed, cross-legged and cross-armed and waited patiently for him to start this exchange.
But he just stood there, scratching away at his neck, staring down at me.
"... Well I'm waiting, you just gonna stand there and say nothing dumbass?"
I shouldn't have said something that bold, but, I couldn't help it, I was pissed.
"Alright fine, but that was completely your fault! You let him go! What's stopping him from reporting back to those fucking heroes saying he found a weak link in the League of villains?!"
God I hated the way he worded that, it just confirmed what I already knew, that I was just showing weakness. This year has not been mine, all I've done was just show all my weaknesses off to my comrades and done nothing to make up for them. I can't help being the weak link but this doesn't mean I can't train to get stronger.
I got up and pushed Tomura back, sending him stumbling a few steps and steadying himself from the sudden shove. I stood my ground, shaking inside from my slowly boiling levels of stress.
It didn't take long before the glitches started to bleed through my image in between my hallow and unsteady breaths.
((TW: VIOLENCE/YELLING/PANIC ATTACK))
((For added depression, listen to this song during this segment))
"You think I'm a weak link!? Well what was stopping you from getting there sooner!? What was stopping you from doing the dirty work yourself!? Wasn't my fault he got to me!"
My comeback wasn't as strong as I thought, I was just trying to pin a blame on him to make him feel as bad as I did, and the fact that I was struggling to hold my own in that moment did not help whatsoever. He took some steps closer to me, jabbing his finger at my head and pushing me back by poking my forehead hard with his finger like he was picking on me.
"You fucking idiot! You're not supposed to let them get to you! Shouldn't you know by now?! All heroes are scumbags and now you let one go because you couldn't hold your own against what? A UA BRAT!?"
"WELL AT LEAST I DIDN'T NEED THE WHOLE LEAGUE TO GET RID OF HIM LIKE THAT POMERANIAN!"
Oh he didn't like that, he didn't want to remember the fact that he got forcefully pulled out of that fight against Katsuki Bakugou a few months back. A hiss escaped from between his gritted teeth and he stared daggers through my being. I shouldn't have said that, now he's gonna start thinking I'm in this whole ordeal for myself and nothing else. When working with a group, it's okay to stick to your morals and reasons, but being selfish about it is what gets you killed and I knew I was going down that path.
He stepped forward, I stepped back-
N-No, wait, he was actually coming at me over this, was he gonna kill me or something?
"Oh so you wanna talk about past fuck-ups?! Okay fine! But at least I handled it! We all got pulled out of that fight we didn't even stand a damn chance!"
I couldn't stand his yelling, it was just making my head hurt even more and my breath come short from all the mile-a-minute thinking I was doing in that moment. I couldn't predict how he was going to react no matter which direction I tried to take with this scenario.
This could only end so many ways but what I want more than anything right now is to be left alone before this escalates too quick. I needed to push him away, besides, he walks away when he gets annoyed doesn't he? The only other things he does to things he doesn't like is just outright destroy them on the spot.
"Well you could've at least thought it through! Think about it Shigaraki! How many times have you gone head first into a plan you thought of on the spot expecting a 100% success rate!? I can name a few! It's human to screw up every now and then you're the one who just gets reckless too damn much!-"
Suddenly, it was twice as hard as before for me to breathe.
Tomura had clamped his hand around my neck and shoved me into my manga shelf beside my door, my head hitting the edge of a shelf and the pain washing over me as I stared fearfully into his eyes, overwhelmed by the thoughts as I counted.
One, two, three four fi- FIVE.
All five of his fingers were latched onto my neck and squeezing tight, making it so much harder for me to both breathe and think straight for even a moment. Only the fabric of his glove kept me from crumbling to ashes by his touch... But that's not what I was thinking in that moment.
"You wanna talk about reckless?! Look in the damn mirror! Trust me, you don't have a perfect track record either! How many times did one of your plans fail huh "strategist!?" I can name a few! I think you're just as-...A-As... Oh f*ck"
I could feel Tomura's grip loosen as his argument crumbled mid-shout when the realization of his actions washed over him. He stared at the hand clamped around my throat as I trembled and struggled to breathe, a small droplet of blood making it's way down the back of my neck from the injury on my head I got from having my head bashed against the shelf.
Tomura let go and watched me fall over, my hand holding me up by finding grip on a lower shelf. I could hear Tomura's footsteps get quieter, not from him stepping away from me, but just my hearing getting clouded from the distorted ringing and my vision going blurry.
I rubbed the bloody area of my scalp, bringing my finger into sight and seeing them stained red an feeling the sting. I was thinking way too much, the strain and tightness of my body returning and my heart pounding in my throat. I couldn't help it when the tears started to creep out of my eyes, and a mixture of some kind of twisted muffled laughter and sobbing left my quivering lips.
It hurt too much to stand, and just being there, thinking about how easily Tomura would've gotten rid of me without thinking twice... The feeling was painfully familiar.
"...You were gonna kill me... Heh, you w-wanted to- So that's it huh?" I said in a whisper.
Tomura was confused, panicked, and taken back from my words, "W-what? What are y-you talking about i-it was an impulse I didn't-"
The glitching made it harder for me to hear him, so I cut him off, "I'm just that expendable? That worthless!? THAT USELESS TO YOU THAT YOU'D WANT ME DEAD!? IS THAT WHAT I AM TO YOU SHIGARAKI!? A WORTHLESS BITCH!? YOU WANT ME DEAD DON'T YOU!?"
I could feel myself locking up, and my hand slipped, a glass portrait of some sort I kept on my shelf falling with me. I collapsed on my back, and the glass frame shattered and sent pieces of glass scattering across my floor and cutting the side of my face. My crash would soon claim me, and something that I couldn't control or think about left my mouth as my consciousness slipped away.
"R-Right... ? T-Tenko-Kun?"
hjl/assets/gear-wrist-watch/032/508/329/small/SCOUT-black-matrix-wrist-IWATCH-BMWWI-retro-09