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Chapter 21: Torn
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My back was pressed firmly against Ebbe's chest, his body shielding me from the cold. It wasn't until I'd come back down from the high of our mating that I realised thunder and lightening had been filling the sky the entire time. I shuddered at the thought and Ebbe didn't miss it.
"It'll pass soon," he murmured, his fingers tracing a pattern known only to him on my abdomen. Sparks followed the path, heating my skin against the cold.
Nodding, I closed my eyes to block out the storm. It didn't help that my thoughts were a chaotic, tumbling mess too. I couldn't believe what we'd just done. What I'd initiated. But a part of me, the feral part, was far too sated to care. My nights with Theo had never been so intense, though I knew better than to say that to Ebbe. He didn't need a boost to his ego.
"You regret what we've done."
I frowned, twisting to face him as I shook my head. "No, I don't. I just don't know what we're meant to do now."
Or even what I wanted to do.
"I understand." Tucking me back against him, he let out a soft sigh.
"Just know this, I won't ever ask for your submission, I won't ever ask for a title in the pack that will be yours. The only thing I want is you."
And for once, I completely believed him. He had no ulterior motive. Why would he? Like I'd said myself, he didn't even know if he wanted to remain in a pack, so why would he make a claim for power?
Silence reigned between us. I couldn't think of anything to say about his statement that had my heart fluttering in my chest.
Instead of pushing me on the matter of what we were now, he asked something else that was equally unsettling. "Tell me why you're afraid of storms?"
Flashes of nightmares I'd had for as long as I could remember further darkened my thoughts. Only Ebbe's skin on mine anchored me to the here and now. My hand gripped his arm and I took a steadying breathe.
"When I was a baby, during a winter storm, I was stolen by a Wulver who was lost to its baser self. A twisted creature who's forms sometimes got stuck between skin and fur," I began, fighting past the imaginary hand that squeezed my throat.
Even though I knew my parents suspected the reason for my fear, I'd never told them. I'd never told anyone.
Ebbe's hand stilled and I felt the tension grow in him again. His hackles were rising and it made me smile despite myself. Smoothing my hand over his arm, I looked over my shoulder to offer a comforting smile. I was okay. At least, I'd grown out of the belief that the same thing would happen again. The fear I felt was simply a ghost of my childhood now.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea," he murmured, his arm tightening around me.
I shrugged. "How could you? But you never teased me for jumping at lightening, I'm grateful for that."
Placing a kiss to my shoulder, he hummed softly, a deep rumble from his wolf that helped calm me down again, and set me on edge all at once.
"I got the feeling making fun of your fear of thunder would cross a line and incur your true wrath." He was grinning. While I couldn't see his face, I knew that without looking. Was he teasing me now?
I decided to let him off this once, chewing my lip before continuing, "Obviously I don't remember being taken, I didn't even know about it until I was around three or four years old. I heard my mum and dad talking about it with Quillan and Oria one night. I got in so much trouble for sensing out of bed. . . I imagine I'd have been in more trouble if I hadn't gotten so upset about what I'd heard. I had bad dreams after that about being taken away in a flash of lightening with thunder to cover my screams. But I'm not afraid of the monster from my dreams anymore."
Silence followed that statement, and though Ebbe didn't move a muscle, I felt him pull away. Something had shifted it's way between us again.
"Is that why you're afraid of me?" he asked gruffly. "Do I remind you of the wolf that took you?"
I could have screamed, instead I just sighed. "I don't remember the wolf that took me, Ebbe. And for the last time, I'm not afraid of you."
"You are. One day you'll admit that to yourself, and to me. Along with the reason why."
Shoving Ebbe's arm from around my waist, I sat up to glare down at him. He stared up at me, resignation in his expression. Of course this could only end this way.
"Why do you always have to try and start a fight?" I demanded in exasperation.
"I'm not and I don't." Ebbe pushed himself up, shaking his head as he reached out but I pulled away. "You're just too used to having to defend yourself, so you're always on the offensive."
I rolled my eyes.
"Now you just sound like my father. Not a trait you want in a bedmate, Ebbe."
"A bedmate? Is that what I am to you?" He laughed. "If you're tired of fighting, you can stop, but I admire you for not giving up on what you want. You know. . .out in the wild, wolves would follow you. They wouldn't care that you were female, only that you're fierce, and a capable leader."
"Are you trying to convince me to run away with you?" I remarked dryly.
He laughed again, blue eyes cloudy with mischief as he appraised me for a moment before getting serious. "I'm trying to convince you that having me by your side won't hinder you."
My smiled slipped and I looked up at the sky. "Ebbe-"
"I'm not used to asking for what I want, but I'm asking now, Raeghan. I could help you; I'd stand as your second, I'd watch your back. What a name you'd make for yourself, taking packs against the wishes of your council and mating feral wolves."
It was meant to be a joke, I knew that, but I didn't laugh. How could I? He was offering something my very soul was screaming at me to take but I still didn't understand why. I'd leapt over the fact he'd earlier proclaimed to have chosen me as his mate already, that the instinctual part of myself had done the same.
It was echoing what happened with my parents and their own tumultuous mating, and that set off my every need to defend.
I didn't know what it was between Ebbe and I. I wasn't ready to know. He'd made me feel alive and free for a while, that was all I'd wanted, wasn't it? To feel close to someone when I felt so alone far away from home. Ebbe, whom I'd only known for a matter of months, somehow knew my weaknesses and fears better than anyone. He'd helped me and I'd felt understood on a deep level. . . then things simply went too far.
Torn and confused, and too exhausted to fight, I wanted to scream at the stars. Every doubt I had about myself and my life cane flooding back from where Ebbe had managed to hide me from them. New ones came unbidden as well.
He said he wanted me but for how long? What if he grew tired? He spoke of fate and mates but how could he be sure? What would it even take for him to prove that he wouldn't challenge my position?
And the truth was hard to swallow too, that I too much out of reach, too much on the defensive, to ever really trust him. Or anyone.
Fisting my hands against my eyes to try and stop them from stinging, my head began to pound.
"Are you crying?"
I shook my head, wiping my eyes quickly and rolling away from him. Warriors and Alphas definitely didn't cry over some male.
"I didn't mean to upset you. Why won't you just let me in?"
"Please just leave me alone. You're asking for too much," I begged, grabbing closest tree branch to try and haul myself up.
"Raeghan stop." He turned on his knees, holding out a hand for me. "Forget what I said for now. Let's just enjoy what we have right here right now. We were fine moments ago, I don't want to ruin that."
Still shaking my head, I managed to get to my feet and suck in a proper breath. I couldn't forget what he said and I knew he wouldn't either. Dealing with this now, with so much uncertainty, was far too overwhelming. I wasn't good with emotions.
I should have kept my distance.
"I have to go."
The words were barley out my lip before my shift took hold, body contorting
I shifted and ran, my legs trembling beneath me. I could hear him calling after me but he didn't give chase, and for some reason that had me feeling all the worse.
Barrelling through trees in the dark with blurred vision meant I took more than one small tumble down the sides of the mountain, and over tree roots that stuck out ready to grab me. I tore my fur free of their gnarled claws, splashed through puddles, ripped through brambles, and every sting as my skin was scraped took a little of the pain in my chest away.
I didn't realise I'd been heading somewhere specific until I was already shifting to skin outside Fenna and Orin's den.
Light from the fire flickered out from the gap beneath the door but I could hear no movement, nothing by gentle breathing. I didn't want to disturb them if they were asleep but the thought of being alone made me brave enough to face any tired wolf that might be angry at being awoken.
Attempting to stand straight, I wiped at my face again but my hand still trembled as I reached out and knocked. At first nothing changed in the now calm night, and I resigned myself to sleeping alone. But just before I turned to leave, I heard the shifting of furs and then the gentle creak of the door swinging open. A bleary eyed Fenna blinked down at me with a lazy smile that soon fell as she took in the state of me.
I looked down too, the fire inside their den lighting up the mud and blood that was smeared over every inch of me. At first I wondered if she might think Ebbe and I had found trouble but when I looked back up, there was no alarm in her expression. Only the softness of sympathy.
"You smell like you and Ebbe made up. . ."
I burst into tears at the mere mention of his name. Unable to hold back the dam any longer, my body swayed against the tsunami. Before I could collapse at her door, Fenna wrapped her arms tightly around me. She didn't care that I'd get her dirty, just held me up and stroked her fingers through my matted hair.
"Oh Raerae. Come inside," she crooned, tugging me gently through the door.
Perhaps she knew I wouldn't calm down any time soon, or maybe she knew sleep would help. Either way she didn't ask me anything, simply led me to her bed. A huge dark shadow took up most the room and Fenna nudged the hulking mass with her foot. Orin grumbled something that made her roll her eyes while I attempted to stop sniffling beside her.
I began to protest when I realised she was going to offer me a place to sleep beside them. It was bad enough I needed to be in their den without trespassing into their bed as well.
A firm look stopped me in my tracks and Fenna gave my arm a meaningful squeeze. She was still my pack. My relief at not being turned away and being offered a comfort I hadn't had since leaving home made it even harder to stop the tears.
With at least me put in my place, Fenna turned her attention to her half-asleep mate. "Move over, you oaf. We have a guest."
"Tell Hagan not tonight," Orin grumbled back, rolling over and pausing when he saw me standing there.
Hagan?
I looked up at my cousin who was now glaring daggers at her mate with a hint of red to her cheeks. She said nothing of the comment, just nudged him with her foot again before ushering me to lie down.
I hesitated once more.
Mismatched blue and green eyes looked suddenly more wary as he moved to give me room.
"Are you hurt?" he murmured, his eyes darting over my form.
I swallowed and shook my head, trying not to curl up in a tight ball on the warm furs. The mingled scents of wild heather and mountain air swirled around me as Fenna lay down on my other side. The pair cocooned me between them both, making sure I felt completely safe. A hand began to rub up and down my arm, the rumble of Fenna's wolf the only other sound apart from the noise I was making.
Still hiccupping through sobs, sniffling and gasping, I kept my chin tucked against my chest to hide myself from them both. I felt guilty for waking them both up to deal with whatever war Ebbe had created within me.
"Go to sleep, little one." Orin tucked me beneath his furs and blankets, not seeming to mind in the slightest.
Once he was happy I was properly wrapped up, he settled me against his chest, then leaned over to kiss Fenna goodnight.
I closed my eyes, my wolf eased by the touch of pack; fingers stroking through my hair, a rough thumb wiping stray tears away. The steady beat of Orin's heart and the soothing tones of Fenna's wolf soon had me breathing easily again.
But my chest still ached, even more in the knowledge that while Ebbe was probably upset right now too, he probably didn't have anyone he would go to seek comfort from.
***
I woke up warm and comfortable, pressed between two bodies with the soft murmur of their voices in the air. Rubbing crusted sleep from my eyes caught their attention and I felt almost shy as I looked up at them.
"Feel better?" Fenna asked, helping me sit up.
"A bit," I mumbled. Gods I'd made a fool of myself yet again, showing up in the middle of the night a sobbing mess. Looking down at myself, I cringed. I was still covered in mud and blood. "I'm sorry if I've made your bed dirty."
Orin snorted from my other side, smirking when my eyes met his. "Don't worry about it. Everything could probably do with a wash with what we get up to."
Fenna smacked his chest as my cheeks went red and I muttered. "Probably whatever you've been doing with Hagan."
"You really want to know?" Fenna lifted an eyebrow at me then chuckled and patted my shoulder as I quickly shook my head.
"Come on. Let's get you cleaned up and fed."
Standing with her, I allowed her to lead me over to the firepit. It was nothing bust smoldering ash now and I mechanically went about lighting it again even though the summer morning was a humid one. The storm didn't clear away the clouds last night.
Orin came to sit next to me and I could feel him watching my every move. Once the fire was lot, I slumped again, finding nothing else to keep my hands and mind occupied. Grabbing a light blanket, Orin draped it over my shoulders, making sure my hair was pulled out of the way. I still felt like I was intruding in his private space, but he seemed more concerned with prodding at the smeared blood on my neck. A growl rumbled out from him and I looked up in shock.
"I didn't realise you were in such a state last night. . .Who hurt you?"
"She's not hurt, Orin. Not physically at least so you can calm down," Fenna sighed, shaking her head and muttering as she sorted through what little food they kept in their den. "Males."
Maybe Orin cared about me more than he let on. I'd always thought he saw me as an nuisance. For some reason that had tears threatening to fall again.
I was blind to the things around me, Ebbe had proven that. Being here had proven that. Orin looked panicked for a moment when I was once more crying, looking for help from Fenna but she was busy raking around.
After a moment's hesitation, he put an awkward arm around me, urging me closer. Uncaring that this was Orinfaer I was sobbing into, I leaned against him. He relaxed a bit, offering his comfort more freely as his hand stroked my back.
"You're really not hurt? I could have hunters out to find whoever it was before dawn," he offered, still with a bite to his tone. He wasn't joking.
Fenna scoffed and glanced over at him. "Give her a proper sniff, my mate, that should tell you all you need to know about why she's upset."
My skin flamed with embarrassment yet again, and I stilled as Orin took her advice. Nose pressed to my hair, he breathed in and I squeezed my eyes shut. His arm became a vice around me and he growled again.
"Ebbe. . ." He pulled away to look down at me curiously. "You and Ebbe? Is it him I need to hunt down for you?"
I shook my head quickly, a small part of me pleased this male would do that for me. Nobody needed to chase Ebbe though; he hadn't done anything wrong. It was me that had made the mistake. A mistake I'd run away from and left in the rain.
Now who's running from something...
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I pushed those words aside.
Fenna sat across from me with a bowl of warm water and a few cloths, her expression giving nothing away. She took one and began to clear away the splatters of mud and blood from skin. I didn't argue as Orin began to help too, tipping my head towards him so he could wipe away my tears.
They teased me about the blood after I admitted that running straight through a thick patch of bushes was the cause of the cuts. Most of them. Ebbe had left his fair share of marks on my skin too.
It wasn't until I was clean and dressed in one of Orin's tunics, with a mug of Wulf's mead, did I feel calm enough to talk. Fenna tucked my now braided hair over my shoulder then placed a gentle hand on my leg.
"Start from the beginning, what happened last night?"
I took a deep breath that came out in a shallow laugh. The beginning. That would be before I even met Ebbe. The moment I caught his scent at my bedroom door and the sudden urge to hunt him down and. . .well. I felt myself blush even though I hadn't said any of that out loud.
"I felt drawn to Ebbe from the start. I don't know why, maybe it was just because he was something so different," I explained, before taking a heady gulp of mead to help me along. "He says he feels it to, whatever it is that keeps drawing us in. But it just be wrong. Ebbe and I. . .we just don't. . .He forever tries to piss me off. He gets under my skin, pushes and pushes, and sometimes I think I could kill him. Last night just. . .happened. It was like energy had built up between us and suddenly is snapped."
Orin scoffed and I narrowed my eyes over at him. Giving me a shrug in reply, he offered, "Just because you want to kill him sometimes, doesn't mean you don't like him."
"I'll say," Fenna muttered, a small smile tugging at her lips.
I frowned, feeling like there was something I was missing. Fenna tipped her head then, asking, "What do you mean by it just happened, how had it been building up? Don't think I haven't noticed something going on."
There was no escaping the truth now. Picking at a loose thread of the pale blue tunic I wore, I avoided meeting either wolf's gaze.
"He kissed me that day you showed me the pools," I mumbled, but they both heard loud and clear. Only Orin looked taken aback, blinking slowly.
"That was when it really started, I guess. I thought it was all part of our game. . .We had a good day yesterday. We ran for hours, we took down a reindeer, a young bull, I couldn't believe it." I smiled as I remembered that but schooled my features when the mated pair before me shared a quick but meaningful glance.
"We ate, we talked for a bit, he helped me. He showed me how to unleash myself, to find that balance between fur and skin and gods I'd never felt so exhilarated or powerful before... Then-"I swallowed, shifting on my spot as I rubbed my forehead.
Fenna rubbed my knee while Orin settled closer again, letting me lean against his arm.
"And then it just. . .happened?" she prompted gently.
"I don't know," I groaned, hiding my face behind my hands. "He said we were mates, or we could be mates, I didn't understand it. I'm not ready to think about mates, not yet, not with so much still uncertain. I thought maybe if we just got each other out of our system it might go away."
The pair were silent while I attempted to rub away the memories of yesterday.
"Maybe he's right," Fenna said. "I felt drawn to Orin the moment I met him, and he to me as much as he tried to fight it. Deep down, I think I knew after our first romp in the sheets that he would be my mate, maybe fate does play a hand in it sometimes."
I stared at her in disbelief. Of all the wolves I knew, the free spirited Fenna was the last one I thought would say something like that. She'd prided herself on being the master of her own life. Hell, she'd broken away from the expectations of home to live out in the wild.
"Or it could be nonsense," Orin added, bumping into me. "I'll agree that sometimes the wild in us can recognise a mate that would be well suited, but to say it's fate?" He smiled down at me. "Fate or not, it's still a choice. Your choice. Has he asked you to be his mate?"
"He asked me to give him a chance," I replied quietly.
"If you think you feel something for him, give him that chance. We may be wolves but like humans, we're still allowed to date. Though Ebbe probably doesn't know much about dating," Fenna offered with a chuckle before looking pointedly at her mate. "Orin might think it's nonsense but his mum is a wielder of pack magic and believes it's true. Either way he's right. It's up to you. If you truly don't want a mate, you don't ever have to have one."
"I won't be taken seriously in my want to be Alpha if I have a male by my side." Dejected and stuck, I hugged my knees to my chest. Did I even want to give Ebbe a chance? We were from different worlds. I still wasn't even sure I didn't hate him
Fenna scoffed. "What law of the wolf says that? Only an imaginary one in your head. Is an Alpha male seen as weak if he has a female at his side? No. If anything, he's seen as more powerful. But forget about being alpha for just a minute Raeghan."
Lifting my head, I met pleading coal eyes, and her voice was firm as she gripped my hand in hers. "You are allowed to want other things too. It doesn't mean you have to pick one over the other; being alpha, or someone's mate, or whatever else. Your time here is meant to be spent finding yourself. You're so young, you haven't nearly experienced everything life has to offer yet, so take what you can while you can. Once you're Alpha, you might miss out on chances to truly explore, and even if it ends badly, it's something you will have learned from."
Swallowing the lump in my throat, all I could do was give her a jerky nod. She would be a good Alpha Female, in fact I believed she'd have made a good Alpha in her own right. Perhaps Signy's wisdom was rubbing off on her. She was learning and growing.
Patting my hand once more, she sat back and dished out a little breakfast for us all. Orin stayed close to my side while I forced myself to eat but food tasted like ash in my mouth and the water my mead was replaced with did little to wash it away.
I should have come to Fenna weeks ago and told her what was happening. And maybe I should have done what Ebbe had said and forgot about the future for a while. Closing my eyes, I could feel the ghost of his arms around my waist, how warm he'd been curled around me.
"We should hurry, we slept in and my father won't appreciate it if you're tardy to your first day of training with him," Orin teased, jerking me from my reverie.
My stomach fell.
Gods, today was not going to give me a chance to catch my breath.
Good.